Emilia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I do limit myself a lot though. I'm kind of routine based. I need to fix this immediately. You absolutely have to learn to get out of your comfort zone and to keep pushing your own boundaries. This is why I found OLD awful and only did it during a brief period when I didn't go out to socialise as much (I was unemployed after travelling and was careful with my spending), I found a lot of the guys just didn't get out all that much as a general lifestyle. They barely knew how to maintain a conversation about anything that wasn't technology related. I used OKC and would chat with all sorts of guys but many had very little skill with people. That's the main setback, OLD isn't some magic wand, just another channel to meet people. If you aren't good at socialising and lack confidence, that will still show. The way you look, you shouldn't have problems talking to women, you are good looking. It's your skills. 2
Author Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 You absolutely have to learn to get out of your comfort zone and to keep pushing your own boundaries. This is why I found OLD awful and only did it during a brief period when I didn't go out to socialise as much (I was unemployed after travelling and was careful with my spending), I found a lot of the guys just didn't get out all that much as a general lifestyle. They barely knew how to maintain a conversation about anything that wasn't technology related. I used OKC and would chat with all sorts of guys but many had very little skill with people. That's the main setback, OLD isn't some magic wand, just another channel to meet people. If you aren't good at socialising and lack confidence, that will still show. The way you look, you shouldn't have problems talking to women, you are good looking. It's your skills. My skills are good , I just need to get over the shy and nervousness. I'm only extremely shy on the first interaction
Emilia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 My skills are good , I just need to get over the shy and nervousness. I'm only extremely shy on the first interaction Then it's a matter of practice. Shyness doesn't go away fully but you learn to disguise it.
Anela Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 If you're on okcupid, then it's possible to hide yourself, so that you don't show up as a visitor to profiles. Women could have that activated, so you just won't see them. Sounds kind of creepy, now that I think about it, but I have that setting on when I'm on there. You are good-looking, and I understand you on the shyness. I keep thinking this should be so much easier, that I can do much better in all parts of my life. 1
soccerrprp Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Met plenty of very nice women online. If they're interested, they engage. If not, of course you get little or nothing. Are they lazy? I don't think so. You're getting girls who are not interested for the most part.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 When I was on OLD I often perused profiles and sent first messages. All of the time! I would see who was in the area, see who I liked the look of, check their profile out and get in touch. Just like with dudes messaging women, sometimes I wouldn't get a reply. Sometimes I'd get a reply but it would go back and forth for ages and he would never ask me out, so I moved on. If one party has put the effort in to make contact, write a thoughtful first e-mail and there has been some discussion then I'm pretty sure the second party would initiate wanting to hang out if they were interested in more than just killing time (applies to both men and women). I met my last ex on POF because I messaged him first. I think I went on maybe three or four dates with guys that I initiated contact with inbetween my last relationship and this one. I like initiating, because it opens up communication with somebody I'm genuinely interested in from the start, rather than just passively receiving communication from hundreds of men I have nothing in common with and no interest in. I always went for guys that shared similar interests to me and who I already found attractive. But yes, the majority of women are lazy I feel. The majority of men are, too, unless you think that sending a copy and paste generic 'hi babe how's u?' message to every single online female is putting any effort in
BikerAccnt Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 How old are you Keenly, mid 20's? You are limiting yourself severely. Honestly bro I wonder if you're not the lazy one. Why is he limiting himself? Because he doesn't like to go to bars? As a non drinker, I don't go to them very often myself. It only limits you to non-drunks is all it does
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Well then, it sounds like you need to make some new friends, or bite the bullet and go out by yourself. I go to concerts by myself all the time. It's easy to strike up a conversation whilst you're standing in line waiting for the doors to open. Change it up, or stick with OLD, but don't complain... I love this! I go to rock concerts alone sometimes if it's somebody I would kill to see and none of my friends are free/interested (usually when it's in a different city, although I'm lucky to have built up a network of gig buddies in different cities through simply attending gigs and meeting other musicians). You wouldn't believe the ridiculously specific discussions you can suddenly find yourself in in line to a gig, a lot of people show up alone in the queue and you all just end up talking quickly about the artist, which your favourite album is, how many times you've seen them before, what you think of the production on their latest CD, which songs you're hoping to hear, where you're staying that night, where you've travelled from, etc. Keenly, you play guitar right? Are you in a band or anything? Or would you ever go to an open mic night? Nothing gets chicks faster than being a guitarist. You have the golden key right there in your hand, use it Any time I am forced to interact with a girl I find cute (checkout, food ordering, etc) I always try and be funny or something to make her smile (I'll be honest actually, if its fast food and its a girl, I usually always compliment her on SOMEthing, because that job sucks and I know it will make her whole day, so even if she is morbidly obese I'll usually say I like her hair or eyes or something) but I remember I used to always get super embarrassed when my dad would flirt with girls that were working. Now I see what he was doing. It's easy as hell. No need to ever be embarrassed about that kind of thing, keep it up. If a random stranger compliments me it makes my day, whether it's a male or female, young or old, hot or not so hot. I used to work as a bank clerk and I did it all the time to my customers, usually female. Only ever if it was genuine, but I'm quite into makeup/jewellery (amongst other um, more intellectual pursuits of course) so if a woman had clearly gone to an effort to do something with her appearance and it looked awesome, I'd tell her. It might be that her eyeliner flicks were perfect that day, or her eyeshadow was blended beautifully, or I loved her lipstick, where's it from? Or her nails looked awesome, which salon did you go to? Nice necklace, that colour t shirt really suits you... I mean maybe only once or twice a day most days, not every person and definitely not phoney, but I made a point if I saw something that made someone look awesome to point it out. I think I made a lot of people's days by their responses. And customers used to do it back to me too, which always made me happy. Not the same ones I'd complimented, but random ones. On my eyeshadow, or my bracelet, or my earrings, or my new hairstyle (they saw me a lot). Always really cheered me up and was almost always women, although a few of the older gents used to tell me my eyeliner looked 'smart' if I was wearing a bright colour or something Compliments and making other people feel good about themselves makes the world go round. Get used to doing it so that it isn't awkward and doesn't make you feel self-conscious, and it'll just roll of your tongue naturally. The most charming people have a way of making everyone around them feel great about themselves.
kodakgirl Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I'm not at all lazy online. I look at tons of guy's profiles and if I really like one I will definitely message first. Sometimes I don't get replies. Sometimes I get a nice reply but he's just met someone else. Sometimes we really hit it off-- all the men I've really liked that I met online were men I messaged first, in fact. It is worthwhile, though, to note wha someone else here said-- on okcupid you can 'turn off visitors' so you can't see who's visited you and the people you visit can't see you did. I almost always use this, so if I did visit your profile you wouldn't know unless I messaged. And by the way, what you said about how you always try to compliment girls working in fast food because the job sucks-- that is so, so sweet!! Makes me melt 1
verhrzn Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I believe they are. I say this because they don't even seem to look. I NEVER get "profile visitors", ever. This is not counting women I have messaged first. Of course they will look.... sometimes . But usually it seems a woman just puts up one to four pictures, writes "ask me anything you want to know " and then quite lazily sits back and does absolutely nothing. The searching is non existent. The analyzing profiles doesn't happen. Even the messages themselves just reek of laziness. I'm seriously tempted to throw away another 40 or so dollars to use a paid site again, one that I know for a fact won't work because they have the same problem. Ladies, please tell me I'm wrong. When I did OLD, I turned off Visitors. Which meant guys couldn't see when I visited their profiles. My profile was also extremely detailed. I did put the "ask if you want to know" statement in my profile, but it was not laziness-it was just letting the guy know I didn't have strict requirements for a first message. You are making some pretty wide assumptions. Seems to me you're searching for a reason to blame women because you aren't having particular luck with OLD. 1
Author Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 When I did OLD, I turned off Visitors. Which meant guys couldn't see when I visited their profiles. My profile was also extremely detailed. I did put the "ask if you want to know" statement in my profile, but it was not laziness-it was just letting the guy know I didn't have strict requirements for a first message. You are making some pretty wide assumptions. Seems to me you're searching for a reason to blame women because you aren't having particular luck with OLD. That's because In this case, it actually is the women's fault. If I trusted you enough to give you access to my account, to look st the amount and quality of my sent messages, compared to the amount and quality of received messages, yeah... its their fault. All I can do is describe myself in my profile, find girls I like, send them witty, charming, funny messages., and wait. The rest is on them. After that binging on OK Cupid I did two weeks ago where I sent 162 different women messages, I'm down to one girl that I'm having a conversation with. Thats less than 1 percent. If we use this forum as a control, apparently I'm attractive. I know I'm both intelligent and funny, and I know a certain percentage of women really like nerdy guys. So yeah... I'm going to say my lack of responses is due to the women being lazy. Especially the one , two, three word response to that whole paragraph I typed out. Not asking questions or giving me anything to work with for a counter reply.
GoreSP Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 That's because In this case, it actually is the women's fault. If I trusted you enough to give you access to my account, to look st the amount and quality of my sent messages, compared to the amount and quality of received messages, yeah... its their fault. All I can do is describe myself in my profile, find girls I like, send them witty, charming, funny messages., and wait. The rest is on them. After that binging on OK Cupid I did two weeks ago where I sent 162 different women messages, I'm down to one girl that I'm having a conversation with. Thats less than 1 percent. If we use this forum as a control, apparently I'm attractive. I know I'm both intelligent and funny, and I know a certain percentage of women really like nerdy guys. So yeah... I'm going to say my lack of responses is due to the women being lazy. Especially the one , two, three word response to that whole paragraph I typed out. Not asking questions or giving me anything to work with for a counter reply. I don't see how it's women's fault. It's not even your fault. If you were to point out the next 162 women you think are attractive in real life, you would probably end up with very similar result. The vast majority of the 162 women would just not be interested in you. That's just how it is.
Author Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I don't see how it's women's fault. It's not even your fault. If you were to point out the next 162 women you think are attractive in real life, you would probably end up with very similar result. The vast majority of the 162 women would just not be interested in you. That's just how it is. I'm going to go ahead and disagree. People are much more open and receptive in person. If these ladies put in half... hell... a QUARTER of the effort I put into this crap, they'd have no problem finding a decent guy. This brings me to the only conclusion left. They are on a dating site but they aren't really looking for anyone or anything. They just like the attention.
GoreSP Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I'm going to go ahead and disagree. People are much more open and receptive in person. If these ladies put in half... hell... a QUARTER of the effort I put into this crap, they'd have no problem finding a decent guy. This brings me to the only conclusion left. They are on a dating site but they aren't really looking for anyone or anything. They just like the attention. Whatever floats your boat hun.
Author Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Whatever floats your boat hun. The ship has run aground, and I'm alone on a deserted island. There Is internet though, so I should be oka for about 12 more years
verhrzn Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I'm going to go ahead and disagree. People are much more open and receptive in person. If these ladies put in half... hell... a QUARTER of the effort I put into this crap, they'd have no problem finding a decent guy. This brings me to the only conclusion left. They are on a dating site but they aren't really looking for anyone or anything. They just like the attention. I put in that amount of effort and never found a decent guy. Would it be fair or accurate for me to claim that men are just lazy, just because of my own personal experience?
Hornylildevil Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Boy, have you struck a raw nerve with me and OLD! Yes, women are not only lazy (message from EVERY women: "hey there :-)") but they're are just plain RUDE! My biggest pet peeve is chatting online with a woman for a while, then I ask a question (like, "So, what's your favorite color?", just as a stupid example) and NOTHING! It'd be like meeting for coffee, asking a question and having her up and walk out without saying a word! I've even put that in my profile, DON'T leave me sitting there like a dummy waiting for your response, if it's late and you have to go to bed, SAY SO! I quit dealing with a woman after that shiite. The one I've been dating now I met on POF and I've come to realize that she is using ME for sex. I know that sounds funny coming from a guy but I made it perfectly clear that I was looking for a LTR. Face it, OLD SUCKS! Men and women lie thru their teeth online because they can. Oh, and I love all the bi-polar, in recovery, can't drive for ten years because of so many DUI's winners I've met. At this point I use OLD as a baited hook left dangling in the water. Problem is, I've been on and off for 3 years and it's always the same women online, and they're always online! This year, now that I'm pushing 50, I am going to take chances and flirt like a fiend, ask out women where I would ordinarily be too shy, just put myself out there. OK, rant off...
Author Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I put in that amount of effort and never found a decent guy. Would it be fair or accurate for me to claim that men are just lazy, just because of my own personal experience? So you browse through hundreds of profiles? You send first messages? You spend time thinking and writing out these messages custom tailored to each man? You take the time to include responses that will continue a conversation ?
GoreSP Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 The ship has run aground, and I'm alone on a deserted island. There Is internet though, so I should be oka for about 12 more years lol You do realize women find this behaviour a huge turn off, right?
verhrzn Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 So you browse through hundreds of profiles? You send first messages? You spend time thinking and writing out these messages custom tailored to each man? You take the time to include responses that will continue a conversation ? Yep. And I'd say only 10% of them wrote back, and when they did, they were never actually interested. They'd write back, but would never actually ask me out-and if I asked them out, they'd dodge it. (Oh I have a cold, oh work is crazy right now.) I'd say maybe about 1% of the guys agreed to a first date. One guy didn't respond, and then 3 months later I get a message from him: "Hmm, don't know why I didn't respond. Anyway how are you?" So, yeah, I've done the same work you have. Do I now get to claim all men are lazy on OLD? 1
Author Keenly Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 lol You do realize women find this behaviour a huge turn off, right? I wasn't aware that women find keeping a thread alive a turn off. I'll keep that in mind though. If you are referring to me discussing my experiences on a random internet forum and women are turned off by that, that would be on them. It's not like I message them and say "LOVE ME!!!!!" I'm merely relaying frustration and awareness of a lack of effort or even desire to use the site for what it was intended for. Most girls these days use these sites as a way to get more instagram followers. "Hey I'm marie, IG : ButterfliesNUnicorns88" That's the entire profile. Don't get me wrong now, I'm not complaining about being alone, because that has quite a few perks really. I'm complaining about what a Piece of Shiz the community of these sites are. Complete garbage. If I could moderate a dating site, I would delete any and all empty profiles, or profiles that just said "message me" or "just ask" or "heres my instagram" and the site would be a much better place for it. Yep. And I'd say only 10% of them wrote back, and when they did, they were never actually interested. They'd write back, but would never actually ask me out-and if I asked them out, they'd dodge it. (Oh I have a cold, oh work is crazy right now.) I'd say maybe about 1% of the guys agreed to a first date. One guy didn't respond, and then 3 months later I get a message from him: "Hmm, don't know why I didn't respond. Anyway how are you?" So, yeah, I've done the same work you have. Do I now get to claim all men are lazy on OLD? Yes I would definitely say that the guys you are messaging are extremely lazy then. Especially if they wouldn't even meet up with you to give you a chance. They aren't really looking, and its frustrating as hell. WHY DID YOU SIGN UP FOR A DATING SITE IF YOU WERE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO USE IT FOR WHAT IT'S FOR. This goes to men AND women.
Anela Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I'm going to go ahead and disagree. People are much more open and receptive in person. If these ladies put in half... hell... a QUARTER of the effort I put into this crap, they'd have no problem finding a decent guy. This brings me to the only conclusion left. They are on a dating site but they aren't really looking for anyone or anything. They just like the attention. I've messaged guys, and hardly ever had them show interest. There are women who can sit back and not do a thing, but a lot of us can't, or don't.
tlegend Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I have yet to do online dating....and this thread scares the crap out of me.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Boy, have you struck a raw nerve with me and OLD! Yes, women are not only lazy (message from EVERY women: "hey there :-)") but they're are just plain RUDE! My biggest pet peeve is chatting online with a woman for a while, then I ask a question (like, "So, what's your favorite color?", just as a stupid example) and NOTHING! It'd be like meeting for coffee, asking a question and having her up and walk out without saying a word! I've even put that in my profile, DON'T leave me sitting there like a dummy waiting for your response, if it's late and you have to go to bed, SAY SO! Wow! I would never consider replying to somebody who before they had even established an interaction started thinking they had the right to make demands on what I do and don't do in our interactions. The notion that you are sat waiting 'like a dummy' for a response is INCREDIBLY unattractive. You should be sending messages and then going out and living your life, speaking to other women, hanging with your friends, going to work, watching TV, doing some of your hobbies, not sat fixated on the screen waiting for a random stranger who you don't have any investment in to send you a message back or not. That's just crazy. As soon as I see the 'if I send you a message, please reply' thing, I turn off. It's the internet. We're strangers. I don't owe you anything and you don't owe me anything. It's actually kinda rude to start bossing people about when you've barely spoken to them. What if they fell asleep? What if they have a big day tomorrow? What if they got busy speaking to someone else? What if, simply, they don't feel like they need to babysit the guy on the other end of the exchange in case he gets his panties in a twist because they don't reply? I would never consider it rude for someone to stop replying to my messages. It's the internet. It's how it works. At any stage, either of you are well within your rights to cease contact, and you do not owe the other person an explanation. I guarantee by acting this way towards women you are turning far far more off from ever speaking to you than you are guaranteed enforced continued interaction with the ones you're speaking to. Besides, don't you want a woman that WANTS to keep batting messages back and forth, rather than one that feels obliged to? 2
BreakOnThrough Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Who, what types, are you messaging? Are they the type of girl that would get a ton of messages? If so, your response rate is not going to be very good. A Guy has to aim a few points lower on OLD than he would in real life, just the way it is. Unless they are messaging you first, go for the plain Janes picture wise and message them, usually they turn out to be attractive in real life and can actually hold a conversation. Also message profiles without pics, there are a lot of gems there too.
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