wasntlooking Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Ive been doinv a lot of soul searching during my four month Nc period with XMM that i broke it off with due to me falling hard for an unavailible man. We only saw each othrr for three months but make there be no mistake, i fell for him. So i have a great H at home who im trying very hard to improvd our M with. My question is why can my husband say nice flattering things to me and they mean nothing but when I heard it from XMM it felt great and iloved it. Ive never been great at taking compliments but am trying. I am really trying to work on this issue and take what my H says and be grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Because romantically and emotionally you detached from your husband and invested in your MM. Your heart feels deeper emotions for your MM than your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Married people are plagued with boredom. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Ha! I just made a similar post yesterday on MissTakes "if you could have what you wished for" thread. See my last paragraph on my first post in her thread. So, sorry, no help but I am wondering the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Because at this point, you don't want to hear it from your H, you want to hear it from OM. Until you truly CHOOSE to rebuild your marriage...your H will mean less to you than OM. That's one of the sidebar reasons I'm an advocate for telling. Most people can't make that choice unless i's forced on them in some fashion...they can't choose their spouse, their marriage until they're truly faced with losing them, and forced to take on the effort needed to rebuild and save the relationship. If they're not put in a position where they're forced to choose...forced to change, in effect...then nothing will change. They'll continue to pine after the OM/OW, and they'll put in no true effort towards rebuilding their marriage. Their 'efforts' are wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 I think it's because you "have" your H. He's proven his love for you, so to you the words hold less weight IMO. Compliments from a person you're not completely comfortable with are new and unexpected. But just know that after a while, the same will be true with the OM. If you left your H for him, you'd be in the same boat eventually. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 If I tell my kids how smart and beautiful they are, they say, "well of course you think that! You're my Mom." When they hear the same thing from someone they WANT Affirmation from, suddenly they're over the moon with the compliment. .. Same thing I suspect or similar* 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Because you have already checked out of your marriage. You've replaced your husband as your priority into your fall back position emotionally. Which would you take more seriously if they said "Were done." Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 I stopped communication with my XMM months ago. So ive been focusing on M, or trying to. I thought i was already chevking out of the M before A started anyways. The A did nit help at ALL. My fault. I guess i just wonder why i hear so many nice things about myself from my H and it doesnt mean the same. Some replies ive heard so far seem right on. I guess im just hoping in time my thoughts change Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 I stopped communication with my XMM months ago. So ive been focusing on M, or trying to. I thought i was already chevking out of the M before A started anyways. The A did nit help at ALL. My fault. I guess i just wonder why i hear so many nice things about myself from my H and it doesnt mean the same. Some replies ive heard so far seem right on. I guess im just hoping in time my thoughts change Are you and your husband in marriage counseling? Just a thought, but maybe you two need to separate and see how you feel then. With no man to rely on or have in your life. Using that time apart could either bring up the feelings inside you for your husband, or maybe you'll feel the marriage is over, since you seem to imply you were checked out of your marriage before the A. It is also possible that you don't want to be married to your husband anymore and are scared to make that decision to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Yes we were in MC immediately before my A. One of my hangups is i come from a briken home with multiple marriages and divorces so i know first hand whats it like and never wanted that for myself or my kids. Id try anything not to have that hapen but obviously ive already done damage and not sure if my feelings can come back. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Hi wasnt, I find this really interesting. I was the BS recently - that was what brought me to LS. H had always SAID all the right things but somehow I wanted to hear them from another source. I can't really tell you why. Maybe because we have both only ever had one long-term relationship so in a way we both missed out. I was also very lacking in self-esteem. I have always worked in male environments and kept up a jokey blokey front, I found being 'one of the lads' in a sense was a good protective front. Only a handful of colleagues have broken through that and found the really rather vulnerable woman behind it. One of these became an EA partner. When HE told me I was intelligent, funny, that he was proud to be allowed to get close to me, that I was beautiful etc I felt on cloud nine. When H told me I took it as my due and mentally shrugged. Nothing serious happened with him - I ended it abruptly and finally when he wanted to 'follow through' on all the flirting and emoting we had been doing. When H had his affair it brought me up short. I guess it made me look at him through new eyes. It also made me realise that this man I had been treating as a bit ordinary was someone I COULD NOT lose. Despite his faults (and beleive me he has many, to the extent that over the years I have wanted to leave more than once, much as I love him). Now we are reassessing each other and ourselves - it is an interesting and exhilirating journey but one that has the pleasure of familiarity too. Now when he tells me I am beautiful/funny/clever/a wonderful mum, I rejoice in it. Sometimes it takes an extraordinary event and external influences to force you to look clearly and honestly at what you have. Does your H know about the A? If not I guess telling him might be that catalyst. Up to you if you think it's worth the risk. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confusion_Reigns Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 I guess i just wonder why i hear so many nice things about myself from my H and it doesnt mean the same. Just from my own perspective in my own marriage... When my H says nice things to me 1) I don't really believe him (because of all the bad things he's said to me) and 2) I think 'what does he want?' When my friend says nice things to me 1) I believe him (because based on some hard convo's we've had where many a man would pretty up the topic or out right lie) and 2) he doesn't want anything with that nice comment except to pay me a nice compliment. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Well in the intention behind the compliment sincere? That is the question. Maybe this is why you are feeling like it doesn't mean as much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Yes i believe my H is sincere, ive always had issues taking compliments from anyone especiallh him and i do know thats my issue and how i percieve things. My H is trying really hard to make things better, he really is. Ive had issues with his maturity in the past and thats the biggest issud I have. He deserves thd best and im coming to terms with the fact that i may not be the best for him cause i think i lost some feelings. But im not ready to give up yet. Havd no intention of going back to A. But it def opened my eyes up to a bunch of things. And just like what was mentioned, i do wonder if i was faced with him being wanted my someone would that change my thoughys? Ive thought of that a lot Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Ive been doinv a lot of soul searching during my four month Nc period with XMM that i broke it off with due to me falling hard for an unavailible man. We only saw each othrr for three months but make there be no mistake, i fell for him. So i have a great H at home who im trying very hard to improvd our M with. My question is why can my husband say nice flattering things to me and they mean nothing but when I heard it from XMM it felt great and iloved it. Ive never been great at taking compliments but am trying. I am really trying to work on this issue and take what my H says and be grateful. Twenty different friends, ten diff friends, even five different friends could say the same exact words to you and it would mean something different to you coming from each one of them. The meaning of the words would be dependent upon the history of your R with each person, the connection you had with them, the timing of the words, and a list of other variables. The measure of your reparation as a couple is not as simplistic as your H saying the exact same words as MM and you expecting of yourself to feel the same and react the same as you would with MM. As you realize this, possibly you won't be concerned if you don't feel from H what you want to feel when he says certain words. Your journey to happiness with H will be to discover who he is by allowing him the freedom to open up to you in the unique way that is himself. If you listen to him, observe how he interacts with the world around him and allow yourself to wonder who he is it will begin to awaken your interest in him and will feed your desire for him. Take time to study him instead of focusing on yourself and how you feel when he compliments you. Don't expect your interest in him to grow because of the nice things he says to you. Your interest in him will grow when you begin to see the special things about him. Everyone has noteworthy facets of their personality. Discovering your H's will be part of what fuels the chemistry between the two of you. Edited February 12, 2014 by Speakingofwhich clarity 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confusion_Reigns Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Your journey to happiness with H will be to discover who he is by allowing him the freedom to open up to you in the unique way that is himself. If you listen to him, observe how he interacts with the world around him and allow yourself to wonder who he is it will begin to awaken your interest in him and will feed your desire for him. Take time to study him instead of focusing on yourself and how you feel when he compliments you. Don't expect your interest in him to grow because of the nice things he says to you. Your interest in him will grow when you begin to see the special things about him. Everyone has noteworthy facets of their personality. Discovering your H's will be part of what fuels the chemistry between the two of you. This is really great, and I think the right way....it is what I have done after my H's last affair and during the work to reconcile...and beyond to now, and simply living our lives. What this has done for me is to really see him as a person...and for me it has allowed me to open my eyes and stop sugar coating everything. It's allowed me to see myself and *US* as a couple. For me this has confirmed, in a way I hadn't been able to conceive before, that he and I are not good together. No matter how everything has played out in the past, fundamentally we are just not compatible. From our choices of movie/music to our childrearing philosophies and many other things. It's like square pegs in round holes. We just don't fit well together. I hope that doing this will help you gain clarity of what you want in your life. I hope that you're marriage survives and thrives to the benefit of your family, and most especially for yourself and your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I think at their core, relationships are about validating ourselves. It's not as much that we love the other person, as much as we love how they make us feel about ourselves. Unfortunately, we don't get a lot of validation from a spouse. They are quite literally stuck with us. They're not allowed to have sex with anyone else. They're supposed to say nice things and yeah, they might just be wanting some sex. Doesn't really do much for the ego, does it? But that new guy that started check you out from nowhere. Hmm. You must really look good today. When you add in what a huge risk he's taking to be with you (risking his marriage, his kids, his whole life), well by golly, you must really be something for him to do all that. This is very validating to your ego. As others have said, given time you would reach the same stage with your MM. And the attention of someone new would be flattering. The question gets down to why you need validation so much. Why is the love of one man not enough? Why did you need more so much that you made decisions you don't even agree with to get it? Link to post Share on other sites
Confusion_Reigns Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I hope this isn't a tj...or too much of one anyway if it is...but.... Why does this seem to turn into 'validation' and 'ego' and 'you have to find that within yourself first...' etc, etc, etc... Relationships are about two people sharing a life together. If one of those people isn't interested in the life that is on offer then they just aren't interested for their own reasons. Maybe it's not about being broken but about them starting to realize that this life is not what they want. For their own reasons. IMO, two people in a relationship should have a partnership, an equal partnership. Where they can freely share themselves and be accepted or at least understood. It shouldn't be about forcing oneself into 'acceptance' of what they simply are not interested in. In my own situation, my husband is not interested in the things I want...like travel....he's not interested and he's not going, period. I can suck it up and go alone or not go at all. Why is it me that has to compromise my very valid wants? and if he chose to suck it up and go, why should he have to do that when he really doesn't' want to? Either way it's a standoff and we are NOT making any positive memories together. sorry, just one of those days.... Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I hope this isn't a tj...or too much of one anyway if it is...but.... Why does this seem to turn into 'validation' and 'ego' and 'you have to find that within yourself first...' etc, etc, etc... Relationships are about two people sharing a life together. If one of those people isn't interested in the life that is on offer then they just aren't interested for their own reasons. Maybe it's not about being broken but about them starting to realize that this life is not what they want. For their own reasons. IMO, two people in a relationship should have a partnership, an equal partnership. Where they can freely share themselves and be accepted or at least understood. It shouldn't be about forcing oneself into 'acceptance' of what they simply are not interested in. In my own situation, my husband is not interested in the things I want...like travel....he's not interested and he's not going, period. I can suck it up and go alone or not go at all. Why is it me that has to compromise my very valid wants? and if he chose to suck it up and go, why should he have to do that when he really doesn't' want to? Either way it's a standoff and we are NOT making any positive memories together. sorry, just one of those days.... I think marriage is a commitment to find compromise, for life. It's no small thing. And too many people take the plunge without really knowing what they're getting into. So in your example, neither person sounds like they're willing to compromise anymore. It's a sad story. But, having an affair isn't a solution to that problem. It's not logical. It's also not ethical to keep someone committed to their end of a contract while you violate your own. It's also not healthy; it reigns destruction. And in the vast majority of examples I've seen, it violates the person's own value system and beliefs. The logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices are to fix the marriage or divorce. So why would someone make the illogical, unethical, and unhealthy choice to have an affair when it violates their own moral standards? It stems from a broken place. Some people have an excessive need for external validation. Some are severely conflict-avoidant. Others have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Some have a combination of these challenges. I don't mean to be insulting about it but having and affair is either being so emotionally challenged that one person isn't enough, or it's avoidance of the right (and perhaps more difficult) choices, or it's about feeling intellectually entitled to do so (pretty rare). But if you're doing something that you don't even believe in, I think that's broken. A person that's truly healthy wouldn't violate their own standards; they'd fix the marriage or they would divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
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