LilGirlandOW Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 so for those who know of my story and the 3am breakup, etc. Well.. I got the rundown from an insider (her brother) what caused their D, the real issue on the table that night.. its WAS a dday, although not mine and MM's.. Turns out BS was having an A with a MM with kids, a co-worker.. a complete parallel to our situation only for longer, guess thats why she wasnt looking for the red flags? MM was tipped off, and found solid evidence in his snooping, MM was embarassed to share this with, which i was not thrilled about since we're generally very close and open, but we have since discussed it Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 It doesn't surprise me. The emotional distance in a M that leads someone to cheat can quite easily be the result of the other partner having checked out of the M because of their own A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) so for those who know of my story and the 3am breakup, etc. Well.. I got the rundown from an insider (her brother) what caused their D, the real issue on the table that night.. its WAS a dday, although not mine and MM's.. Turns out BS was having an A with a MM with kids, a co-worker.. a complete parallel to our situation only for longer, guess thats why she wasnt looking for the red flags? MM was tipped off, and found solid evidence in his snooping, MM was embarassed to share this with, which i was not thrilled about since we're generally very close and open, but we have since discussed it I similarly discovered xMM was not as honest and open with me as I had thought. While I didn't end it with this discovery, I eventually decided that honesty and openness were important to me and there weren't any signs that xMM was doing the hard work to really change, so I ended it. For me, it was the right decision because xMM didn't change. Good for the brother for tipping you off as it gives you more insight into MM and how he behaves. The story he made up at the time (nothing really happened, just the bickering got to him, which under more intense questioning, then evolved into his love for you, yadda, yadda) didn't make sense for a 3am departure. Edited February 12, 2014 by woinlove Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 I think it was very obvious from her actions that the M on her part had been over. Atleast you know that there won't be any regrets or waffling on either of their parts. I don't blame him for being a little embarrassed. Had he manned up and left first, it would have seemed like his idea. I think for the three of you it was a happy ending, I guess that wouldn't include her AP's family though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 It doesn't surprise me. The emotional distance in a M that leads someone to cheat can quite easily be the result of the other partner having checked out of the M because of their own A. It can be cause, or it can be effect The emotional distance created by one affair can indeed trigger one by the other party. I'm not sure you can get into a case of "well, he/she cheated first, so that makes mine ok", especially if you weren't consciously aware of their cheating to begin with. Two wrongs don't make a right, and two rights won't always get you to Albequerque. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 so for those who know of my story and the 3am breakup, etc. Well.. I got the rundown from an insider (her brother) what caused their D, the real issue on the table that night.. its WAS a dday, although not mine and MM's.. Turns out BS was having an A with a MM with kids, a co-worker.. a complete parallel to our situation only for longer, guess thats why she wasnt looking for the red flags? MM was tipped off, and found solid evidence in his snooping, MM was embarassed to share this with, which i was not thrilled about since we're generally very close and open, but we have since discussed it Damn it! From a voyeuristic, soap opera watching point of view, that's just not very rewarding and juicy. Couldn't her AP also be her long lost brother or something? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 So how'd he get tipped off/find out if he no longer lives with her? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Well that makes a lot more sense now about how it all went down! That's a lot that your MM was keeping secret as he was apparently doing his own digging & confronting without you knowing. Does she know about you two being together now? Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 A great example of what is good for the goose, is NOT good for the gander. He choose to divorce his wife because she was screwing someone else. HA..HA..HA. LMAO. I would make sure I wasn't there to pick up the slack from him. He didn't make the choice to leave her for you. His ego just took a major kick. He was trying to stick it to his BW by screwing someone younger...and got kicked because she busy screwing someone else too. Run while you have the chance. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 ]A great example of what is good for the goose' date=' is NOT good for the gander. He choose to divorce his wife because she was screwing someone else.[/b'] HA..HA..HA. LMAO. I would make sure I wasn't there to pick up the slack from him. He didn't make the choice to leave her for you. His ego just took a major kick. He was trying to stick it to his BW by screwing someone younger...and got kicked because she busy screwing someone else too. Run while you have the chance. I wonder if the truth had come out about his affair, how it would have affected the divorce. Is there alimony and stuff involved? He found out her affair and never came clean about his own affair. And, he never told you about any of this - You found out through someone else gossiping about it. Enough said. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 hey LiL... Weren't we just hashing this a bit on your other thread? whattashock huh? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Once again, your candor is noted and appreciated, LGOW! Your choice to post without agenda is inspiring and lends credence to your threads. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 we love eachother dearly, make an amazing team, are the couple I would see when I was unhappily M and out and think I wish I had that. That being said, relationships built on a scandalous and suspicious foundation dont make the best R no matter what direction they're going. I was the OW, I let myself to fall in love with a proven liar, as the OW we encourage our MM to be sociopaths or compulsive liars..... how do we know if once we end up with these MM the game just doesnt switch onto us? A Sociopath A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way). Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways (see, lovefraud, for more on sociopaths). Compulsive Liar A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship (see, how to cope with a compulsive liar). The terms Pathological Liar, Habitual Liar and Chronic Liar are often used to refer to a Compulsive Liar Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Damn it! From a voyeuristic, soap opera watching point of view, that's just not very rewarding and juicy. Couldn't her AP also be her long lost brother or something? lol the ways things seem to be going, anything is possible, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 So how'd he get tipped off/find out if he no longer lives with her? BS's brother told me personally, well step brother or something. I wanna post the circumstance by which he told me, but damn i hate being to specific sometimes, now the BS is an OW lol she could find herself into the loveshack at some point, lol. MM was tipped off online Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Does she know about you two being together now? No she doesnt, unless possibly she did but was in love with her MM:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 A great example of what is good for the goose, is NOT good for the gander. He choose to divorce his wife because she was screwing someone else. HA..HA..HA. LMAO. Oh I KNOW, the irony and hypocracy Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 hey LiL... Weren't we just hashing this a bit on your other thread? whattashock huh? lol yes, i was still shocked though, oddly Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Oh my! How do you feel about these evemts, lil? Are you okay that he didnt flat choose you and that he and his wife ended for other reasons? I just wonder why he would hide this from you, aside from his reason of embarrassment? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 we love eachother dearly, make an amazing team, are the couple I would see when I was unhappily M and out and think I wish I had that. That being said, relationships built on a scandalous and suspicious foundation dont make the best R no matter what direction they're going. I was the OW, I let myself to fall in love with a proven liar, as the OW we encourage our MM to be sociopaths or compulsive liars..... how do we know if once we end up with these MM the game just doesnt switch onto us? A Sociopath A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way). Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways (see, lovefraud, for more on sociopaths). Compulsive Liar A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship (see, how to cope with a compulsive liar). The terms Pathological Liar, Habitual Liar and Chronic Liar are often used to refer to a Compulsive Liar OK...you're with him now? And yet you see your own relationship with him as that of "one with a proven liar"??? NON SEQUITER How can you have a great relationship with someone that you view as a "proven liar"??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 How can you have a great relationship with someone that you view as a "proven liar"??? arnt all MM having affairs proven liars? I dont know, guesss I'll revert to the old cop out "theres just something about him"... I think I need some serious IC, for being an OW to begin with, figure out why I accepted that as acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 arnt all MM having affairs proven liars? I dont know, guesss I'll revert to the old cop out "theres just something about him"... I think I need some serious IC, for being an OW to begin with, figure out why I accepted that as acceptable. Well...I have to say that EVERYONE is a 'proven liar' in some aspect. I'd also have to say that you're going to have to work through the concern that folks often raise with the old adage "If they'll cheat with you...". My honest suggestion for you...both of you should START with some marriage counseling, to work through the trust/security issues that the start of your relationship may cause. Have some serious discussions on boundaries with others, how to maintain trust given your history, and how to lay a solid foundation of communication. If you think you need IC...it isn't a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 So who ended the marriage? Again, a 3am separation is not something mutual. If MM discovered her affair and left, I doubt she'd be so laid back and accommodating. She'd be blowing up his phone wanting him to come back and talk. It's rare that a BS makes the discovery, wants to leave, and the WS agrees that's best. And as I say, not at 3am. The more likely scenario is that he discovered, and she said "well now you know, I'm not giving him up, there's the door" In which case, no wonder he kept it from you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 It can be cause, or it can be effect The emotional distance created by one affair can indeed trigger one by the other party. I'm not sure you can get into a case of "well, he/she cheated first, so that makes mine ok", especially if you weren't consciously aware of their cheating to begin with. Two wrongs don't make a right, and two rights won't always get you to Albequerque. I did not see the OP doing that, at least, not in this thread, so I'm not sure why the bolded was claimed? Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 So who ended the marriage? Again, a 3am separation is not something mutual. If MM discovered her affair and left, I doubt she'd be so laid back and accommodating. She'd be blowing up his phone wanting him to come back and talk. It's rare that a BS makes the discovery, wants to leave, and the WS agrees that's best. And as I say, not at 3am. The more likely scenario is that he discovered, and she said "well now you know, I'm not giving him up, there's the door" In which case, no wonder he kept it from you. Or, even more likely, he made the discovery, saw that it provided him with the perfect cover for his own indiscretion, and seized the "moral high ground" which required him to make a grand exit to prove his bona fides. There are many possibilities, of which the MM being shown the door seems among the least credible. If WS typically had that kind of chutzpah, all the claims on these boards of the BS kicking the WS out would instead read the WS kicking the BS out on DDay... Link to post Share on other sites
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