dumpee needs advice on how to proceed from "being friends and having fun"

[Oriental]

dear all need your advice!!!

 

background info:

were together for 2 years and a half, lived together in the last year. am 23 y/o, he 25. broke up with me 5 months ago becoz he was under big work pressure and felt suffocated by dependent me and not clear bout what he wants in general. since then have kept in touch as neither of us could stand the thought of not having the other party in life. both have been weak and asked to meet for chat. have slept together a few times.

 

 

after he came back from Xmas holiday he confessed that he still loves me and misses me a lot lately. he admitted having thought about getting back together but "not really sure about what he wants out of a relationship"so dont want to gimme hope and hurt me again. but of course i got hope from that conversation and have been feeling much better about myself since. had dinner with him 2 days ago, relaxed and fun, talked about likes dislikes what i want in life.... he seemed to be impressed with how mature i have got over the past few months. he was obviously happy to be with me and touched my hand and hair quite a few times (didnt respond strongly as i would crash and feel weak again). kissed me good bye on the cheek and hugged me really tight. called me the next morning to say hi, sounded very happy and had a short chat about non-personal things. havent received any email or call today. dont know if he's just busy or having a second thought about "what he wants".

 

 

am confused about how to proceed next. should i wait for him to contact me first and keep playing cool?

i think the difficult bit is "not sure about what he wants out of a relationship". somehow i feel that's not the real reason on his mind. i know he felt that the relationship in the last few months was not the way he likes and i wasnt being very understanding and mature about things. do you think he just needs time and space?

 

 

looking forward to your views! many thanks!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Oriental

do you think he just needs time and space?

 

Yes, and he isn't going to be able to sort out how he feels when he is having this type of relationship with you. He probably is confused. He likes you, he likes hanging out with you, he likes having sex with you - but he doesn't like having an actual relationship with you. So, he is calling it 'friends', because he has no better word for "continuing the sexual and emotional benefits of the relationship while giving no commitment".

 

Do a search in these forums for the "Lost Guide to No Contact" and give it a read. You may find answers there on what to do next.

[Urban Rubble01]

I disagree with the person above me. No contact at this point would be beyond counter productive, it'd be downright idiotic !

 

She IS right about one thing, your guy is confused, he doesn't know what he wants for himself. He doesn't want to end it and lose you for good, but he doesn't want to get back together and risk changing his mind and hurting you again.

 

I think the only thing you can do right now is to keep doing what you're doing. If you stop contacting him he MIGHT get worried and come back, but then again he might just be done with it. If he DID come back as a result of NC it would be for the wrong reasons. If you push too hard, he might just say he isn't ready. If you're able to, I'd suggest you keep being there for him, keep being his friend and letting him know you love him. If you aren't comfortable with sex, tell him you WANT to do it, but it's too hard on you at the moment. If he reacts like a jerk, that says alot. Either way, the ball is in his court. Don't freak out on him, just chill and wait for him to show his cards.

[Oriental]

hi guys thanks very much for your views. honestly i think both of you make really good sense. here's the latest update:

 

called him this morning to say hi, he was getting ready to go to work so he insisted on calling back when he's got into a taxi. when he called back we had a 8 minute chilled out conversation, turned out that the whole day yesterday he was at a expo of his company which explains why he didnt email me as usual.

 

agree with Lucrezia on "liking you but not liking having a relationship with you" and "Lost guide to no contact" was the thing that drew me to this forum; but am more comfortable with Urban Rubble's suggestion of "keep being there for him". as for sex, i think it will just further confuse both of us esp me. so when we do meet up will try to meet somewhere far from his flat.

 

one other thing that bugs me is that after we broke up he's slept with women he met randomly in bars or online. have talked to him about this in the early stage he said he was not sorry about doing that (as he's single now) but he was sorry that i found out and got hurt. later he said sex with random women was not nice and he usually felt upset afterwards. when we met before xmas, some whiny woman called him up and he said "im having dinner with a friend tonight and i will be home quite late, i will call you back later". i freaked out, i was so upset and i cried in front of him. he swore that it's not what i thought "some woman he's shagging", it's just a woman who likes him but he's been trying to avoid for 2 months. later he called back and talked to that woman to prove what he said and from the conversation it was obvious that they are not itimate (at least emotionally). anyway, after that unpleasant experience now whenever we meet up he will switch off his cell (not to my face thou). dont know if he's just trying to ensure that we have a good time together and not bugged by some women who might call, or he's sure that someone will call?

 

on one hand i feel that i shouldnt think too much about his social life, whether he wants me back or not he's single now and he's not promised me anything yet, he has every right to go out and enjoy the freedom; on the other hand as a normal woman i do feel upset about what he's done and what he may still be doing. so, no, definitely no sex with him, otherwise i will just become a woman whom he's guaranteed to have good sex with, and feel good even afterwards. have to keep being chilled out and not ask him about his social life at all.

 

what do you guys think? and would love to hear any progress in your life.

 

all the best!

[Oriental]

hi all

 

he called my work just now to complain becoz he's about to have his company's long useless meeting again. he sounded very happy and joked about the funny and embarrasing things happened in the company lately.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

one other thing that bugs me is that after we broke up he's slept with women he met randomly in bars or online. have talked to him about this in the early stage he said he was not sorry about doing that (as he's single now) but he was sorry that i found out and got hurt. later he said sex with random women was not nice and he usually felt upset afterwards. when we met before xmas, some whiny woman called him up and he said "im having dinner with a friend tonight and i will be home quite late, i will call you back later". i freaked out, i was so upset and i cried in front of him. he swore that it's not what i thought "some woman he's shagging", it's just a woman who likes him but he's been trying to avoid for 2 months. later he called back and talked to that woman to prove what he said and from the conversation it was obvious that they are not itimate (at least emotionally). anyway, after that unpleasant experience now whenever we meet up he will switch off his cell (not to my face thou). dont know if he's just trying to ensure that we have a good time together and not bugged by some women who might call, or he's sure that someone will call?

 

on one hand i feel that i shouldnt think too much about his social life, whether he wants me back or not he's single now and he's not promised me anything yet, he has every right to go out and enjoy the freedom; on the other hand as a normal woman i do feel upset about what he's done and what he may still be doing. so, no, definitely no sex with him, otherwise i will just become a woman whom he's guaranteed to have good sex with, and feel good even afterwards. have to keep being chilled out and not ask him about his social life at all.

 

what do you guys think? and would love to hear any progress in your life.

 

Oriental i'd give this guy a miss, he has and is acting unfairly and obviously enjoys you stringing him along having you when he wants you...

 

i'd cut all contact with him as he is telling you lies and hiding things from you

[LucreziaBorgia]

but am more comfortable with (the) suggestion of "keep being there for him"

 

Any updates? I'm curious to see how this played out. I saw the other post about the possibility of 'being friends after the relationship'. I'm guessing it went down to a firm "just friends" thing?

[Oriental]

hi guys,

 

surprised that you followed my post. alright here's the update of my situation. 14 days NC so far, correction, it would have been 14 days NC if i didnt call him on Sat 12 Feb.

 

i have tried the "being friends" thing, we just couldnt do it in the end. last time we met up for a walk he told me he had to come back home early to do some work. i knew he was telling a lie and confronted him, he insisted that he had work to do, i knew he just didnt want to ruin the afternoon we were gonna spend together. after the walk a friend who lives one minute away from him called me and invited me over for dinner. i called him after i left the friend's house and joked about "coming up and giving him a good night kiss", he fidgeted and said dont come up. we both knew he had someone visiting him then. i cried and went home. he called me and we had a long talk. he said he didnt know what he wants, he loves me but doesnt want to be with me now, he did have to work that night but he also had a woman coming to his house, he's been sleeping with other women, basically a different one each time, it's become a bit addictive now; he said he loves me and loves being with me but it doesnt necessarily mean that im the right one for him, and it's possible that one day he realizes what he wants and it's not me. we talked and talked, he said if we go on like this we would completely ruin the possibility of getting back together if we have any, he should have been more disciplined in not contacting me and not stringing me along, and he really needs to sort out himself. he hasnt contacted me once since. 2 days ago i was home alone and called him(couldnt help). he said he's not too bad and asked if im feeling better or worse with time. i said i was fine, i actually have been ok these days. NC was quite a relief, i have come to my senses that it's good to leave each other alone becoz now i know we are apart for a good reason.

 

i have been reading others' posts here these days but didnt want to encourage anyone on a second chance coz i know some people will end up being disappointed and upset again. i remember someone once wrote "give ourselves a second chance", i couldnt relate to it then but now i totally understand. i still love him and want him back, my brain is like my evil twin who's not under my control and never leaves me alone, but i know myself needs a second chance first, it's time that i live my life and live it to the full, without him. if he comes back, it's meant to be. if not, i hope i will meet the right one when im sure of what i want and im able to make myself happy.

 

any thoughts or updates on your lives?