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"Compartmentalization" (Question for MOW/MOM/WS)


thinkingofhim

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thinkingofhim

I've read a lot of talk about how MM are able to compartmentalize their relationship with OW and W, which is interesting to me and I confess don't really understand it!

 

Yet a lot of what I read on here and another board, are topics and struggles posted by MOW/MOM where oftentimes you can't even tell that the poster is married. I usually get the impression from these posters that it is their relationship with their AP, and not their wife/husband, that is the main focus in their life, rather than having two "compartmentalized" relationships.

 

If you are married and having an affair (this is more directed to MOW/MOM simply because I hardly ever see MM post here), do you feel that you have two distinct compartmentalized relationships, or do you feel that your relationship with OW/OM is "the" relationship in your life?

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I'm no longer having an affair, but I think my (and my ex-AP's) struggles with this were what started to make the whole thing unravel (well, amongst other things).

 

In my case, the more invested I became in my OM, the less invested I became in my H. It was obvious. I totally disengaged from my marriage. So, yes, I suppose I did compartmentalize in a way... But at the same time, I felt absolutely guilt-ridden the entire time I was in the A, so it was hard to live with.

 

Even the guilt aside (ha), the compartmentalization was tough. Both of us struggled with the dichotomy, the double life. I don't know if some people have an easier time with it, but I just couldn't sustain it.

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do you feel that you have two distinct compartmentalized relationships, or do you feel that your relationship with OW/OM is "the" relationship in your life?

 

As a MM involved with a MW, yes they are two compartmentalized relationships. I would have to say that the MW does take up more space in my brain day to day.

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I guess I was able to compartmentalize. I loved him with all of my being and he was in my thoughts all of the time, and vice-versa, so he said. But I could leave the house to run a quick errand and meet with him for a few minutes just to get a hug and a hello, and go home and face my family like nothing happened.

 

I've had a lot of pain in my life so am/was able to shut it down. I had checked out of my M before the A began or I couldn't have done it. So while my MoM encompassed my heart and soul, I could put him away when we weren't together. I didn't box my feeling with him though. He allowed and encouraged me to be myself and said that I could be "me" and he loved who I was. My H doesn't know me as intimately as my MoM and we've been M 15 years.

 

So either I'm really tough or am somewhat of a sociopath, I suppose, being able to tuck him away.

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I've read a lot of talk about how MM are able to compartmentalize their relationship with OW and W, which is interesting to me and I confess don't really understand it!

 

Yet a lot of what I read on here and another board, are topics and struggles posted by MOW/MOM where oftentimes you can't even tell that the poster is married. I usually get the impression from these posters that it is their relationship with their AP, and not their wife/husband, that is the main focus in their life, rather than having two "compartmentalized" relationships.

 

If you are married and having an affair (this is more directed to MOW/MOM simply because I hardly ever see MM post here), do you feel that you have two distinct compartmentalized relationships, or do you feel that your relationship with OW/OM is "the" relationship in your life?

 

Although I was S during the A, I was the one who could compartmentalise, and he (the MM at the time) struggled. I guess that's why I was integrated into other aspects of his life so fully, and so early, whereas I maintained my life in separate compartments until it ceased to be feasible to do so.

 

I think some people just function in different ways to others.

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proseandpassion

The compartmentalization really creeps me out, in a way. I guess its normal? But my xMM could totally be a loving husband and also insist he loved me, too. He also said he had no issues in his marriage (though, I wonder if his wife would say the same thing).

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I think it's sort of like anything else you have to hide when wanting to avoid drama, consequences, etc. I want to be with my AP (MOW) again, but have a deep need to keep my family in tact. That simple.

 

As a MOM, it's just something I'm doing on the fly without any thought really.

 

G

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I think it's sort of like anything else you have to hide when wanting to avoid drama, consequences, etc. I want to be with my AP (MOW) again, but have a deep need to keep my family in tact. That simple.

 

As a MOM, it's just something I'm doing on the fly without any thought really.

 

G

 

Is it really simple? To those of us who have never cheated, it doesn't seem simple. I've been an OW, and I did come to understand that xMM just found it easier to lie than I did. Still, he didn't keep it up that long - having both an AP and a W - because ultimately he didn't find it all that simple. I guess for some people, lying, pretending, doing what is needed to avoid consequences is simple.

 

But I wonder how many actually find it simple. I would think for more it is complex, but it seems better to them than the alternatives, staying married without an AP or divorcing. I know I wouldn't like myself leading a deceptive life, and as much as I love my H and hope to spend the rest of my life with him, I know I could eventually find happiness again without him if I had to and I also know both of us would always take care of our children as best we could, no matter what our situation was. For others, obviously, they can't see themselves not married to their spouse for whatever reasons. But, still I don't think it is often simple when they also need or want a secret AP.

 

Still, this thread does show some people have an easier time compartmentalizing their marriage and affair than one might have guessed.

Edited by woinlove
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I'm speaking for myself. I can't represent anyone else.

 

Recognize that I'm only hiding my feelings for someone else. I didn't have to hide my whole life. My AP arranged to have us included in their neighborhood parties, etc. She helped make it simple...

 

From the others here, it's simply explained. Not simple to execute (do), clearly.

 

hth

 

G

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