husband's ex-girlfriend

[Deanna]

I have been with my husband for 3 years, married for 2. His best friend is his business partner and also his ex-girlfriend. They split up years ago and have both been involved with other people since then, but she is always jealous of everyone he goes out with, and very territorial about him. She has been even worse with me because he never moved in with anyone else, let alone married them. She has been mean, hurtful and downright cruel to me ever since I started going out with him. He does not want to exclude her from his life because his business relies on her quite a bit, and he is still hoping that someday she and I will become friends! After everything this woman has done, she has proven that she cannot be trusted and she is not very likeable! She still phones our house sometimes and if I answer she just asks for my husband right away. Not even common courtesy! I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want to lose him but this woman has caused major problems in our relationship right from the start and I'm getting fed up! Does anyone see any other options that I'm missing here?

[Tony T]

You didn't mention any of the problems she is causing your relationship. You basically said she is a bit jealous of you and doesn't like you. I don't see a problem with that. There is no reason you need to fraternize with her.

 

Until the day you die, there will be people both...some who are close to your husband...and many who are not...that you will just not get along with. That's just life.

 

You are the one who let's this bother you. Just get used to the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with you. When she calls, be courteous and let her know you'll get your husband right on the line. There is no reason whatsoever you need her as a friend...just like there is no reason you need Sadam Hussein as your friend. Yes, it would be nice if your husband's business partner could be nicer to you but world peace would be nice to.

 

There is no way anything she says or does can be mean or hurtful unless you give it the power to be such. No matter what she does, have pity for her ignorance and look at her as a small price to pay for your husband's success, since she seems so essential to his business.

 

Don't stay on your husband's case about this either. Let him know at intervals, and just in passing, that it would be nice if his partner was more friendly...but just leave it at that. Your husband probably feels pretty bad about this. It would be really nice if you told him you understand how she is and you are no longer going to let it affect you. Chances are she'll sense she is no longer having an effect on your life and she'll start being nicer at that point.

 

So chill out, accept the fact that you will never be her good buddy, and don't long for the day when you are. She doesn't sound like someone to be treasured as a friend. As long as you have close and loving friends who do want to interact with you, you will be just fine.

[Deanna]

For the most part I agree with you completely and have tried to convince my husband that it doesn't matter if she and I are not friends and he shouldn't expect us to be.

 

The problems we had before were because she used to come over to our house several times a week and every time my husband was out of earshot she would be making comments to me about how nobody has ever been closer to my husband than she is and no one ever would be, and that one day he will leave me and she will still be with him, etc. Typical bitchy stuff.

 

My husband agreed that I shouldn't have to deal with that kind of rudeness in my own home, so they generally get together elsewhere now, which is fine with me. She still tells him all the time that he should leave me because I'm not good enough for him, I might leave him one day, ad nauseum.

 

I would be happy if I didn't have to deal with her at all and could just be the voice on the other end of the phone once in a while, but I do have to deal with her because of our business ties (no way around that one). She did her best for almost two years to sabotage my clientele base by stealing clients from me, and telling lies about me to business associates. I didn't stoop to her level, and I've lost a few clients, but nothing major. She seems to have stopped that now, or at least slowed down.

 

Anyway, I think you are right in that I just have to accept the fact that she is in my life, and that's the way she is and is not going to change.

Until the day you die, there will be people both...some who are close to your husband...and many who are not...that you will just not get along with. That's just life. You are the one who let's this bother you. Just get used to the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with you. When she calls, be courteous and let her know you'll get your husband right on the line. There is no reason whatsoever you need her as a friend...just like there is no reason you need Sadam Hussein as your friend. Yes, it would be nice if your husband's business partner could be nicer to you but world peace would be nice to. There is no way anything she says or does can be mean or hurtful unless you give it the power to be such. No matter what she does, have pity for her ignorance and look at her as a small price to pay for your husband's success, since she seems so essential to his business. Don't stay on your husband's case about this either. Let him know at intervals, and just in passing, that it would be nice if his partner was more friendly...but just leave it at that. Your husband probably feels pretty bad about this. It would be really nice if you told him you understand how she is and you are no longer going to let it affect you. Chances are she'll sense she is no longer having an effect on your life and she'll start being nicer at that point. So chill out, accept the fact that you will never be her good buddy, and don't long for the day when you are. She doesn't sound like someone to be treasured as a friend. As long as you have close and loving friends who do want to interact with you, you will be just fine.

[unnamed]

Thrive on her jealousy. Although it may seem tough, or nearly impossible, think of yourself as the 'greater' woman here.

 

Not only did you succeed in winning the unconditional love of husband, but also keeping him around, and marrying him. His ex has every reason to be jealous.

 

But do not look at is threatening, and when she spits in your face, turn the other cheek. Fighting someone who doesn't fight back becomes useless, and eventually, she will give up.

 

Do yourself a favour and think of how lucky you are. Do not let yourself stoop to her level (its a very good thing you haven't so far), but rather be kind to her.

[bystander]

To me it sounds like both of them do not want to burn any bridges. Even though he has married you and obviously loves you. They are both having a hard time of letting go. Especially her. If anyone can't be trusted...I would pick her over you're husband.

 

By the way....this is a male perspective.

I have been with my husband for 3 years, married for 2. His best friend is his business partner and also his ex-girlfriend. They split up years ago and have both been involved with other people since then, but she is always jealous of everyone he goes out with, and very territorial about him. She has been even worse with me because he never moved in with anyone else, let alone married them. She has been mean, hurtful and downright cruel to me ever since I started going out with him. He does not want to exclude her from his life because his business relies on her quite a bit, and he is still hoping that someday she and I will become friends! After everything this woman has done, she has proven that she cannot be trusted and she is not very likeable! She still phones our house sometimes and if I answer she just asks for my husband right away. Not even common courtesy! I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want to lose him but this woman has caused major problems in our relationship right from the start and I'm getting fed up! Does anyone see any other options that I'm missing here?