Alien Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 I am from Australia. She is from Japan. We are both mature adults. We were both independent before we meet but I have now lost my independence, since I am in love with her. But she is a hostess in a bar (Snack bar). That means, she drinks with “customers” and the “customers” try to sleep with her. She does this five nights a week. I worry every night. Sometimes she gets home at 3 am. She only told me she was a hostess one month into our relationship. She told me that she has never slept with a “customer”. I want to believe her. I have very few friends here in Japan, so this web site may offer me some support. Anyone else out there dating a hostess?? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Okay, I think I'm confused. A hostess in America is someone that seats people at their table, then the server waits on them (in a restaurant). What exactly is a hostess? It doesn't sound all that bad, but then you're almost making it out like she's a stripper? So I'm confused, please fill me in. How long have you two been together? Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 in my world, Hostess means cupcake...nothing more... but yeah, seriously, alien, what do you mean by hostess? forget stripper, it sounds more like a prostitute snack bar...which i have never heard of. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 A hostess bar in Japan, and I think in some other Asian countries, is just what the original poster described: men go and pay exorbitant prices for drinks and the attention of one of the "hostesses" -- whose job in the bar is to sit with client(s), keep the conversation going, flirt, make the customer(s) feel relaxed and special. I think it's a variant on the older geisha tradition -- without the training, and with less involvement for the women in question. That's all it is supposed to be in principle, but of course in reality the lines are blurred often. At the end of the day, it's basically like an American (or Australian) guy whose girlfriend is a stripper. There are plenty of strippers who keep strictly to the confines of their role and never cross the line. Some aren't so good about that, for any number of reasons. Some men don't mind, and others would mind having a girlfriend who shows her body for money, or who is paid to flatter, flirt and make nice to drunken men. Alien, I'm a woman, so I can't speak as someone who is or has dated a hostess. But you do seem to have a problem with it, and it sounds like your girlfriend anticipated that you would have a problem with it (perhaps because men typically have problems with it in her experience, or perhaps because she herself is ambivalent about her work). The point is you are troubled by the kind of work she does. How much difference would it make to you if a man did come here and say, "I'm dating a woman who's a hostess and we've been happy for 3 years, no problems"? Just because one guy is okay with it -- and knows he can trust his girlfriend -- doesn't mean that you should be okay with it. And it doesn't mean that you should trust your girlfriend. I'm not saying that you shouldn't trust her -- not at all! But you have to accept the limitations of your own situation: you have to accept what you're comfortable, or not comfortable with, which will be a function of your own characteristics, and also those of your girlfriend. You love her. Do you really trust her? It's okay if you don't, that doesn't mean you're not in love with her. But that's what should inform you as to whether or not you can really deal with this. I think it's usually a bad idea to try to talk yourself into accepting something you're simply not comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Okay, thanks midori...that helps. Alien, if you are uncomfortable with her position, either ask her to find another job or find another woman. If you can't accept it, you can't accept it. And there ain't no paintin' that pink. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Well she kept a pretty serious secret from you, why would she keep that from you if she wasn't hiding something? Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 well if ypu are soo paranoid, why not get someone to pose as a customer and have them woo her? it is a mean thing to do, but you do not trust her anyways, so i really do not see the harm. Link to post Share on other sites
ion Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 I agree with Midori, Alien. It really doesn't matter what others even in the same situation experience. For example, a good friend married the mama-chan of a hostess bar and now two years later they have a son. He was ok with her doing it while they were dating, until they were married. She stopped a few months before her wedding. It worked for them. The line between just being a hostess, pouring drinks from your $600 bottle of whiskey at the club, and having a sexual relationship with a client is solely dependent on the 'hostess'. For the most part, honesty and trust are the same in any relationship. It's just the so called temptations inherent in all of the frills of money and power of that level of commerce make weaknesses come to the surface easier. Salon had a good article about it...check it out and good luck! http://archive.salon.com/sex/feature/2001/07/04/tokyo_diary/ PS Tokyo is a great city and a lot fun. Enjoy your time there and spend as much time at onsen as possible! Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Alien, I fully agree with Midori and Tiki. Take for example the stock market where someone takes lot of risk while the other dont.No one is wrong it all depends on risk appetite how much risk one can be comfortable with.But you need to be honest with your risk appetite if you overstep you appetite and if you fail you wont be able to bear it so identify your capacity. We all have limitations in terms of our comfort level and how much we can be flexible.If someone else is comfortable in some position doesnt mean that we should be as they are.No you should not try to do something which is not possible for you.You will end up in loosing your sleep will feel insecure and will become edgy and things will worsen. So if you are not comfortable with her job speak to her ask her to change her job and if nothing works then you need to walk out now rather than walking out later with hurt pain and bitterness for both of you. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alien Posted January 19, 2005 Author Share Posted January 19, 2005 Thank you all for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
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