Why someone DUMPS and how a Dumper Feels????

[greenhorn]

This post is out of my pain,hurt ,desperation and Frustration.

 

Please i wish if anyone who has ever dumped someone who loved him/her most please tell me why they do this? and do they ever feel anything after dumping about the dumpee?

 

Please tell me how it is so easy to dump?

 

Please tell me what they do to erase someone from one's life?

 

Please telll me how one can be so kind to others while being so rude to someone who was together for so much of time?

 

And based on my personal experience i can say that a dumpee feels the pain right through the months but i wish to know what a dumper feels after months???

 

please if someone could answer my questions......

[seductress989]

I doubt if I can give you the answers you're looking for, but I will offer my side of the story. I have always been the dumper in my relationships. I'm young and I'm sure I will be dumped eventually.

First, there is no easiness in dumping someone. I realized things weren't ever going to work out after I had tried and tried. I finally told myself that things would have to end. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life and I regretted it soon after I done it. (but, after 7 months, regret turns into happiness, peace of mind)

 

I didnt exactly erase him from my life at first anyways. We broke up in June and continued seeing each other until Nov when I was fed up of being treated badly and I wasnt even his g/f anymore! I still wonder what he's doing but I have no romantic feelings for him. 2 straight months of NC has helped to move on and to realize that I did the right thing.

 

Funny thing is he tried contacting me after almost exactly 2 months NC and for once in my life I didn't respond. I was surprised even at myself. I used to always give in and talk to him, but not anymore. I dont want him to be able to say any more hurtful things to me. Although he could've been trying to re-establish a friendship, I dont want that with him anymore and I dont want to lead him on.

 

So there ya go, greenhorn, as the dumper I can say you that I've felt probably just as much pain, regret, wondering, etc. as the dumpee. I have moved on now and met new people and I suggest you do the same. I know it's hard to stop thinking of someone, but trust me, it will happen one day. Don't lose hope.

[VirginiaBob]

I've only been the dumper from a long term relationship anyways one time. Ther rest of the times I was the dumpee. And even the one time I was the dumper, she dumped me the first time, begged for me back about 6 months later, but then I dumped her. The reason I utlimately dumped her was because of her initial betrayal of dumping me and the fact that we were each others' first time sexually and I found out she slept with someone else after she broke up with me the first time. So I guess, the dream of us being pure with each other was broken. I actually didn't feel any sadness over this, when I dumped her though. But this probably isn't the best example, I guess.

[jellybean]

Originally posted by greenhorn

This post is out of my pain,hurt ,desperation and Frustration.

 

Please i wish if anyone who has ever dumped someone who loved him/her most please tell me why they do this? and do they ever feel anything after dumping about the dumpee?

 

Please tell me how it is so easy to dump?

 

Please tell me what they do to erase someone from one's life?

 

Please telll me how one can be so kind to others while being so rude to someone who was together for so much of time?

 

And based on my personal experience i can say that a dumpee feels the pain right through the months but i wish to know what a dumper feels after months???

 

please if someone could answer my questions......

 

Dear greenhorn,

 

I can actually feel your pain bouncing off my computer...I spent months torturing myself with those very same questions.

 

[color=red]Gawd, how I hope LucreziaBorgia joins this discussion, because she is soooo good at explaining the 'falling out of love' process[/color]

 

I've learned alot from her posts, and it's allowed me to come to terms with a situation that is very similiar to yours.

 

Your ex likely emotionally detached herself from you long before the actual dumpage occurred.

 

That's why she was able to so easily cut you out of her life, and is rude to you now.

 

Hang in there, hun ......

[moon]

I've only dumped somebody one time. I had had enough of him. He wasn't committing, but kept the relationship going. I just thought there must be somebody better out there for me and I initiated the break up. I felt bad for maybe a month. Then I let it go. The guy was going through a hard time in his personal life and ended up sort of bottoming out after that. He and I got back together a year later (I've told my story a number of times here) and low and behold I was the one who got dumped in the end and I am still suffering over it. It's been about three months now. I know this sounds horrible to say, but I felt okay about the relationship ending the first time. We had had a rocky relationship and he gave me good reason not to want to stay in his life anymore. GOOD reason...trust me.

 

The way he did this last break with me was totally off the charts. I've never been so cut loose in all my life by somebody. He just dropped me and really gave little apologies and then took up with another woman. We were planning out our whole lives together and had known each other for four years and dated for three. So I guess nothing is certain in this life. I think the hardest breaks are when you least expect it and when they leave you for another person that I don't even think they were looking for. I personally have never had this type of love triangle thing happen to me before. I have never been dating somebody and then thought oh my God I must have this other guy. It's just not in my character. It is too ruthless for me. But I guess sparks can fly with somebody else........I still can't figure out why my ex dumped me like he did. There was no actual cause for him to do it and he still hasn't given me really any valid reasons, except we had some fights. But we always had fights and made up. So anyway, these last three months have been painful for me. I go up and down from forgiveness to angry to forced indifference. I now put on a brave face in my personal life. I don't think friends think I am still anguished by what happened. I am in therapy. But I don't know when you ever really get over that betrayal. I think betrayal takes a long time to get over. You know I think I could have handled it if my ex just said let's break up. But running into the arms of another woman was so hard for me to accept. You think....why wasn't I good enough? What's she got that I don't? Why would he basically waste all this time with me (and my time) if he was capable of that? It is so dreadfully painful.

 

So anyway, Greenhorn, just know that you won't always feel this way. You were obviously in love. Being in love is hard to get out of. Eventually you'll do it for yourself. Eventually I will feel okay again and stop feeling like my ex is saying "GOTCHA!" to me. Bastard......if it is true that I had to suffer because my ex suffered the first time we broke up then I guess we are even. You know my least favorite quote, "all's fair in love and war." But I guess you have to think to yourself that sh*t happens and nothing is pretty about losing love......just keep trying to ride it out. You sound like a very emotional person. Don't wear your heart so much on your sleeve the next time around. I am learning that. Trust your instints and hopefully next time you'll really get lucky. I know it sucks that you dated for so long. I feel the same way. It feels like so long since I've liked somebody besides my ex----but I'm sure looking now. I don't honestly think I could do worse. Now that is harsh to say.......but true. Ok I've vented and commiserated enough tonight. I've got to go back to my forced indifference now. Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Falling out of love is excruciating. Its bad to have a broken heart - and far worse to break one. The process is long, drawn out, frustrating and painful. Here's how it can happen from the dumper's point of view based on your questions:

 

(a dramatization - bits and pieces from my own past experiences - main points in bold)

 

1. I'm in a relationship, and have been for a while now. My partner is happy. My family and friends are happy. Everyone assumes we will be together forever. Except me.

 

2. Something is missing - I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason I find myself not as happy as I was when we were first together. Small things are beginning to irritate me that didn't before.

 

3. Every day, it slips more. I'm beginning to find myself wishing I had time to myself. I'm keeping a happy face though. I keep telling him that I love him, hoping that I can believe in that again but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to end this - but every day that goes by, the little things are adding up. Irritations. Quirks that once were cute to me set my teeth on edge. The sex is beginning to suffer. I shut my eyes and wait for it to be over. I feel so guilty doing this.

 

4. He's on to me. I think he knows, because he has been asking a lot 'what's wrong' or 'is there someone else?'. I'm more quiet now. I still tell him that I love him but only if he insists on asking or knowing. I don't feel it though. Its such a horrible feeling to look into his face and say "I love you" when I feel like I don't anymore. I feel like I have to say it now. The guilt is overwhelming. What would my friends think? My family? What will he do if I leave him? Why does he have to be so happy with me, when I'm not happy with him?

 

5. I can't take this any more. Its been four months now since I started feeling this way. Every day is another step downhill for me. I have to get away to think this over. This is so f*cking difficult, but I tell him that I need some time and space to think things over. Once I am on my own and I think about it, I realize fully that I am not happy with him any more. I want things to be the way they were when we were first together, but I know him better now - I realize I fell in love with what I had hoped our relationship would be. The man I fell in love with doesn't even exist. Now that I've gotten to know him really well, I realize that this relationship with him isn't what I need. I can never be happy with him.

 

6. I tell him that we can try again, because I feel so bad about hurting him. I hope that I can just get back some of that feeling that I had - maybe if I try really hard, I can love him again.

 

7. Two weeks later, and I'm right back where I was. Probably worse. The 'getting back together' was a terrible idea. He was so desperate to keep us together. The sex was needy, desperate. Too much. Too much. It was like a huge brick tied to my ankles, dragging me down further. I just can't fake this anymore. I told him that we should be friends. I realize I only said it to try to keep from hurting him further. He insists on spending time with me. I miss him, I like him, and I have fun sometimes when we are together, but I just can't be around him anymore - because I know that he isn't really interested in being friends - he wants us to be back together and I can't handle that.

 

8. I have to break this off. I can't be nice about it anymore. I am cold to him. I turn my back on him, hoping that he will just get on with his life and try to forget me. The more he tries, the angrier I get. I'm finally out of this - why does he insist on trying to drag me back? Why didn't I tell him from the beginning how I was feeling? Now I'm in a trap. He is holding me responsible for his happiness, and I resent the hell out of that.

 

9. I finally told him point blank to get out of my life. I hate it that I had to go that far. I feel so guilty, and so sad for what we had - but I just can't make myself love him when I don't. He asked me how I could be so cold after all the beauty and love we shared. I couldn't answer. I just turned away.

 

epilogue

Eight months have gone by. I have talked to him a few times, but it always ends the same way. He gets sad, and I feel guilty - which makes me sad and angry. I keep telling him that we can't be together again - but how can I look him in the face and tell him the truth: that there was nothing wrong with him - I just fell out of love with him? How could he possibly understand that? He would have an easier time asking a corpse why it died. He keeps saying "what did I do to make you stop loving me" - and I try to tell him, but he insists on believing that it must have been him. He still thinks that if he changes or that if we get back together we'll find that love we had. I wish I had just told him all that time ago - that I was trying but my love for him was dying right there in my hands and there was nothing I could do about it. God... why didn't I just TELL HIM WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING?

 

I'm going to be carrying around this guilt for a while. And this anger. I could have saved him a lot of hurt by just telling him how I was feeling, but I kept fooling myself - putting off the inevitable. I feel horrible. Every time I think about him, I think about how he did nothing more than love me - but I just couldn't love him back anymore.

[GreenCap]

All observations are valid. Like Lucrezia's ex, I (dumpee) keep thinking where did I go wrong for her to stop loving me, and that she fell into the arms of her boss' boss and now they are engaged four months after we broke up. Oh, the betrayal, I gave her so much power over me and in her eyes I am worthless; I am a shell now.

 

I have to come realise that I could not offer status and money, and to her, that was something that would make her happy. In looking back at our relationship, I see that we gloss over important details and not talk about them until they are too late and then we hurt each other by yelling and shouting. My expectation was for her to tell me if something isn't right (like what I would do) and her expectation was that I should know or at least anticipate what she is thinking or making her unhappy (like she would do to me).

 

Unfortunately, the outcome was disasterous as I went along in my merry way thinking the relationship was rock solid when it wasn't and for her resentment to build up until to a point of no return. There were many things and kinks that could have been worked out or even put on the table to compare value systems, beliefs and principles but they were never done. The infatuation phase never did blossom into the something solid. And I read Lucrezia's post and wonder whether she went through the same mindset. Unfortunately, she lied to me when we broke up and put me down - which really devastated me and I am struggling to get out of that pit. She was my world, I gave her the reins to my happiness and she trashed them. My mistake here, I gave her a responsibility that should have been mine and mine alone.

 

My sadness is on two parts: Ego being dented of being trashed aside. basically, I put her on a pedestal and I am worthless of her. I do not satisfy her utility in some way eventhough I try to make up on care, support and love when the financial aspects come short. One thing I heard recently was that she cut her losses because it was easier to be with an established person rather than an up and coming person. She is entitled to that selfishness and while I hate her for that, deep down, I am ashamed that I am worthless to her.

 

Secondly, my big sadness to is that in our relationship and this breakup, we have both taught each other what a real relationship should be and now she'll use this new found knowledge to be happy with somebody else while I pine for her. This growing together is suppose to benefit the both of us for the rest of our lives. But it is not to be.

 

How does she feel after dumping me? Well, she got engaged right.

[greenhorn]

Hi All,

 

Thanks for the responses and in particular i thank Lucrezia for taking so much effort to elucidiate the point.The point that i started this thread yesterday was somethig which Greencap has said about.I was so sad and so hurt that why someone did hurt me, why someone treated me as scumbag or why i was cheated and lied.

 

Lucrezia has tried to explain things from a dumper perspective.I now know why dumper does that but this isnt this cruel to the dumpee to be just dumped for no fault of his/her.To get lies and betrayal in return for honesty love and care.When a lie or hurt comes from someone you loved and gave most importance it hurts much much more.

 

She was with me for 7 years and out of this we were happy for 6 years and only since last one year thing started to get bitter between us might be happening like what Lucrezia said but i still fail to understand how can Love just go away.Isnt there something like commitment , dont we sometimes make little sacrifice in relationship -- i just fail to understand how can love just go away.For me Love is always enduring if it goes away then it is not love but opportunistic alliance .

 

I was dumped after 7 years ,i keep questioning myself for what fault of mine.l lost my ego self respect esteem everything.She used me as a tissue paper and them dumped me in the trash bin.I dont know what is going with her but i was just wishing to know is she feeling any kind of remorse .By this i dont want her to feel remorse but still i cant accept that the person i loved could be so cruel ,sadist ,hard hearted and opportunistic.I cant accept this.

 

Its ok for her cause she dumped me and may be she would get or already would have got one and will be happy and i am here writhing in pain.

 

Thanks all of you for your responses.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by GreenCap

Secondly, my big sadness to is that in our relationship and this breakup, we have both taught each other what a real relationship should be and now she'll use this new found knowledge to be happy with somebody else while I pine for her. This growing together is suppose to benefit the both of us for the rest of our lives. But it is not to be.

How does she feel after dumping me? Well, she got engaged right.

 

What she taught you is the painful experience of falling into and out of love - with you on the losing end. She didn't teach you what a 'real relationship' is. She taught you that against your best efforts, sometimes things just won't work out like you want. What you learned is that you may want to avoid repeating the mistake of getting wrapped up in a relationship like that again. Those who don't learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them. You will want to make some hard changes to yourself to protect yourself from this in the future.

 

Emotional strength and security: the kind that you build entirely on your own, is what you will need. You can inflict pain on an emotionally strong person, but to them its like a cut that needs stitches. To an emotionally weak person (like I used to be) - its like losing a limb. You can't prevent pain and heartbreak, but you can shore yourself up inside to make it less devastating in the future.

 

Me? I learned a few valuable things after being absolutely demolished by someone that didn't become apparent for a few years.

1. My happiness is my responsibility and is not dependent on anyone else - nor can it be diminished by anyone else and what they are doing. I got counseling (ok, I admit it - I ended up hospitalized) and I put my heart back together from the bottom up, and learned what it was to be happy on my own.

2. I can not love anyone truly until I love myself.

3. Don't fall in love with love. You want to marry a person, not an idea or a hope of a person.

4. I am human. I make human mistakes and I have human urges. So will my partner. Never deny or ignore that first and foremost we are flawed human creatures - but we have the ability to communicate and not act on negative desires/urges out of respect and love for each other.

5. My needs are not more or less important than my partners - they are equal. Don't make demands that will tip the balance, or it WILL end.

 

I'm happy now - and it really makes a difference when you draw emotional strength from yourself and not have it be dependent on another person. If things go wrong for me (knock on wood), this time it will be horribly painful - but it won't be as bad as before. Now I have myself to fall back on. Before, I had no one but that man - and when he left, I had no one to fall back on. I just fell. And fell. And fell. Until I hit bottom. That will never, ever happen again.

 

I hope that you can take something useful from your pain - and use that to your advantage the next time around. There is no explanation for falling out of love outside of it being a reaction to getting to know someone past your expectations for them and realizing that they will not be what you need them to be. It happens as often and as ruthlessly as falling into love. It isn't something you can understand until you experience it yourself. Its painful, and I'm sorry you are hurting that way.

[jellybean]

Excellent contribution - once again.

 

Thanks, Lucrezia

[AndrewJ]

LucreziaBorgia,

 

Excellent post!

 

You have inspired me

[aFighter]

The dumper doesn't feel a whole ton at the time. Maybe later they will.

In their mind they've already left you & the actual act of 'letting you go' is just the closing argument.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by greenhorn

i still fail to understand how can Love just go away.Isnt there something like commitment , dont we sometimes make little sacrifice in relationship -- i just fail to understand how can love just go away.For me Love is always enduring if it goes away then it is not love but opportunistic alliance .

 

i was just wishing to know is she feeling any kind of remorse .By this i dont want her to feel remorse but still i cant accept that the person i loved could be so cruel ,sadist ,hard hearted and opportunistic.I cant accept this.

 

Its ok for her cause she dumped me and may be she would get or already would have got one and will be happy and i am here writhing in pain.

 

Thanks all of you for your responses.

 

 

Sweetie, I feel your pain.

 

I have been on both sides of the coin, and when I read Lucrezia's first response to you, I so related to it. The person I dumped, was a really sweet guy. He is talented, thoghtful, and giving. He also has social anxiety disorder, he has issues with depression, clinginess, and possessiveness. He fell into a deep dark hole and was not the person I fell in love with.

 

I never stopped loving him, but the love changed. It became almost a parental/friendship love. I was constantly trying to keep his head above water. I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't like who I was becoming, and I for one do not want to be on a pedistal. I ended up breaking up with him to save myself. There were too many shadows of a past relationship there.

 

He begged me to stay friends, and talk to him. I began a NC for a while. Now we are very close friends.

 

I learned a lot from our relationship. I had an old lesson reinforced. You are responsible for your happiness and no one elses. You can't fix someone who isn't ready to be fixed. You can only fix yourself.

 

Oddly enough it was during our NC that my fiance and I had started reestablishing our friendship. One night as we were on the phone talking about the people we had been dating, I said, "Its so hard when someone makes you responsible for their happiness. " A light went off, and I realized I had done this to him in the beginning. I gained a deeper understanding of relationships, accountability, and boundaries.

 

Now, the Dumpee has become the dumper in a relationship, and understands that being in that role does not automaticly make you a horrible unfeeling person. Its often a very hard decision.

 

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Me? I learned a few valuable things after being absolutely demolished by someone that didn't become apparent for a few years.

1. My happiness is my responsibility and is not dependent on anyone else - nor can it be diminished by anyone else and what they are doing. I got counseling (ok, I admit it - I ended up hospitalized) and I put my heart back together from the bottom up, and learned what it was to be happy on my own.

2. I can not love anyone truly until I love myself.

3. Don't fall in love with love. You want to marry a person, not an idea or a hope of a person.

4. I am human. I make human mistakes and I have human urges. So will my partner. Never deny or ignore that first and foremost we are flawed human creatures - but we have the ability to communicate and not act on negative desires/urges out of respect and love for each other.

5. My needs are not more or less important than my partners - they are equal. Don't make demands that will tip the balance, or it WILL end.

 

I'm happy now - and it really makes a difference when you draw emotional strength from yourself and not have it be dependent on another person. If things go wrong for me (knock on wood), this time it will be horribly painful - but it won't be as bad as before. Now I have myself to fall back on. Before, I had no one but that man - and when he left, I had no one to fall back on. I just fell. And fell. And fell. Until I hit bottom. That will never, ever happen again.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing. You always put things so clearly.

[greenhorn]

Yes what you all say is correct and in particular Lucrezia is excellent in making us understand things.I really admire her for this skill ..are you thinking of writing a book. lol!

 

I dont know how difficult it is to make yourself that emotionally strong as you have suggested but what you say is true it will help in future breakups.But what i wish to know is that how to get out of this present one .Its more than a month of my NC and still i am the same position one step forward then two step backward.

 

I have promised myself once i am out of this i would not be the same weak person but only when i get out of the present .........

[RowanRavyn]

One minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at time.

[gersanos]

Dumper: As a dumper, I have gone through many of the same thoughts and feelings that others have mentioned. It all begins with something just not feeling right, but I cannot put my finger on it exactly. In time, it just gets worse. Then all that is left is guilt. Once when I broke up with a girl, she begged and pleaded and I decided that we can work this out. Later that same day after we got back together, I realized that I did it out of guilt more than anything, and the next day I told her this. Yes, cruel, callous, downright awful, and I left her devastated for a period of time, and even when I have seen her afterwards I have gotten nothing but a cruel response from her, but, I knew that my heart and mind was not in it anymore, and there was nothing that she did wrong per se. All those things I once found cute we're now annoying. Instead of wanting to spend time with her, I wanted to spend time with my friends. And this is typical each time I broke up with a girl. I never did have a bad girlfriend. Never one that mistreated me. It was that just in time, the dumper realizes that this is not the person that they want to be with. Many of times, it boils down to this image or illusion we have of the other person, and once we realize that the other person is not all that we have fabricated in our mind, then the waning process begins, slowly.

 

Dumpee: In my last relationship, I was the dumpee, and looking back on it, it went down the exact same way, but I do commend her for talking about it with me while she was experiencing this. It started with a fight, that led to more fights over the course of a few days, and her saying that she does not feel happy anymore. We talked about it. I remember her crying on my couch as we talked and me providing her with tissue. I asked how long she has felt this way and she said its only been a few days, but it seems that its been longer than that. She felt like we were just going to keep fighting from here on out. She mentioned that she started to have dreams of us fighting as well. That things were not perfect anymore. We calmly talked about these things. There was no fighting at all. But, she could not provide me with anything to work with. She could not pinpoint the source. She said she just needed some time to think all this through. In time, things just kept getting worse, and, like a fool some might say, I kept trying to make it work, until she built up enough resentment to end it. She went through the typical motions that I have gone through as a dumper, and that others have mentioned in this thread. I could have bailed, but I honestly did think that we could work through this, like all of those that don't want it to end. Although I was prepared for the end somewhat, I still did not want it to come to that. How I wanted her to just yell at me, tell me I'm a horrible boyfriend, list all the things that I did wrong, etc., but that was not the case. All I was left with was that things were just different and that she was not happy anymore. Before we parted ways I mentioned that I won't call her. I asked that she wouldn't, even though I hoped she would. She replied, "I wouldn't do that to you." Her decision was made up, and all that was left was guilt, pity, and resentment. "Take care" were her final words to me.

 

What I've learned: I have learned a great deal from my relationships, as a dumper, and as a dumpee. I do not offer or accept friendship - in time maybe, but at the moment of breaking up, never. It is a very cruel thing to do. Yes, I am not responsible for the way the other person thinks and feels, but, I am considerate enough and able to empathize and know what they are experiencing. I do not believe that there is such a thing as a mutual break-up, one always wants the relationship to continue. Only in our minds do people present it as a mutual break-up, to preserve pride and save face. I have done this, and others have done it with me. But above all, I realized the power of taking things slow. You can never go to slow, only too fast. Take time to get to know the other person, don't make them the center of your world, and vice-versa. If this is someone that you see as Mr. Right, or Ms. Right, then why rush it? You will have an entire lifetime with them then. Find a balance between work, school if applicable, friends, family, alone time for yourself, and your SO. Anytime your priorities shift, then chances are that it will all fall apart in due time. All humans are incompatible with one another. Spending too much, or all of your time, with your SO suffocates the passion and romance. That's when you begin to focus on the differences and not the similarities. The decline and fall has already been set in motion. Comfortability has set in. You start to get lazy. The little things don't happen as much, if ever, anymore. Things get all too familiar, or boring as some might say, in the relationship. Your perspective of the other person changes. That one person that you wanted to spend all of your time with, talked about a future with, and couldn't wait to see, you now can't wait to get away from. And it rarely ever, in my cases at least, was something that they or I did intentionally. It was all about the precedent that we set in our relationship from the onset. Some might argue that it's a compatibility issue, but you know what, if I hang out with my best friends all the time for X amount of time, I'm going to feel the same way about them and want to spend time with other people. You both need to be independent in a relationship.

 

I've had my heart ripped out of my chest twice. I've returned the gesture to many more girls than two in my life. I am not a bad person, neither are those girls terrible people. All those relationships or less-serious dating scenarios that I have had brought me to where I am today. I learned so much from each person I have been with, but the realizations have come in due time. Hopefully, from what I have learned and experienced, I will be able to make things work out right with the next person I meet. Of course, much easier said than done once feelings get involved.

 

It hurts for the dumper as well. The dumper still cares about the other person, but just not in that way anymore. And eventhough they are detached emotionally by the time they decide to end things, it is still a very difficult thing to do.

[GreenCap]

I agree with all observations thus far and in all of the postings and threads I have read, I cannot find another one that has more depth, feeling, hurt etc. in these posts here.

 

I thank you all for sharing and being vulnerable again to re-visit the painful past of yesterday. I wrote this a while back and wanted to share with you all:

 

A tide of loneliness

Sweep across me

A story untold

Of how I adored thee

My mind and heart is all breaking

of what I am seeing

thou not so true to me

A poet cannot be gay

whenever he recalls the painful past of yesterday

A sigh of grief, a cry of pain

how much more can this sorrowful heart maintain

a love which was meant to be and yet

Yet, unprofoundly lost

Lost in the midst of treacherous fair maids (or fair gents)

 

I learned a lot from this relationship of my limitations, my living for the other person except myself and I learnt also what unconditional love is. A friend chastised me for feeling betrayed and acting crazy because it was through hearsay that I learnt she is dating her boss' boss and that they are engaged. And that if loved her, I would only trust what she says to me and elsewhere. That my acting crazy and wanting her back is just my possessiveness; that I don't love her at all but just want her back due to dented pride.

 

I know I cannot trust her anymore so there is no use of wanting her back, not that she will ever come back. But I love her and was pained of what choices she made. This boss' boss I have met before last year at a party. He was then doing the receptionist of the firm and when people found out, he transfered her to another firm so they can continue their tryst. This is the man she is engaged too because I cannot provide her status and wealth. I am now confused whether I love her or ever loved her. But I do know I am in pain, I will not care how she runs her life and I hope to get my backbone back and be a man again!

[GreenCap]

I just realized I did not complete my thought.

 

Gersanos indicated that we tend to get into a comfort zone and stopped looking for improvement. I agree with this for we always have to keep it fresh and exciting so that both parties have a strong anticipation for the future.

 

But is just a pity that we can't even be ourselves because we run the risk of getting into a rut and a comfort zone.

[jellybean]

Originally posted by GreenCap

I agree with all observations thus far and in all of the postings and threads I have read, I cannot find another one that has more depth, feeling, hurt etc. in these posts here.

I thank you all for sharing and being vulnerable again to re-visit the painful past of yesterday.

 

Yes, GreenCap, I agree...this is absolutely my favorite thread...so much honesty and emotion from the posters...I have copied and saved it to my hard-drive, and I will keep it forever.

 

Thankyou everyone for sharing, and I REALLY mean that.

 

Luv u guys......

[gersanos]

2 points I forgot to mention/expand on:

 

1) Always treat the other person like it is the 1st month of the relationship. I think we are all guilty of not doing this. How to pull it off? Great experiences and not being around all the time. It leaves us with the craving of wanting more. Of missing the other person. Very hard to pull off though when things are going so good and when it just feels right, but, by doing so you get away from getting too comfortable, familiar, bored, etc. Keeps it fresh. Makes the other person wonder what you've been up to, and dying to see you. This can also tie in to being independent. As well as having that balance in life. In sum, this is what leads to a healthy relationship, and each relationship I have had thus far in life has been better and more towards a truly healthy one. Healthy not in a way that is devoid of abuse, drug use, violence (that too is important), but healthy in keeping insecurities at bay: control, possessiveness, dependence, jealousy, etc. You have to love yourself before you can love another. If you have some serious issues that need to be resolved, take a time-out and work on those first. With those large issues looming over-head, you are in no position to provide someone with what a relationship requires.

 

2) Communication. Seems fairly obvious right? Not always the case. Set-up boundaries. For example, one girl I dated smoked weed here and there. She told me this in the early getting to know stages, before we were exclusive. So I told her that in time it would bug me because I don't smoke weed. I'm not saying that she should quit for me (even if she did, it wouldn't last, the person must want it for themselves), but just asked that she not be high when she's around me, or tell me about it (she did quit while we dated by the way). Fast forward with the same girl. I joke around quite a bit and can get pretty sarcastic at times. Well, this girl never told me it bothered her, until it was too late. Was I joking around a lot in the beginning? Yes. But, she never mentioned a thing about it. How am I supposed to know that it bothers her when I do it around her if she never says a word about it? This I find to be a matter of self-respect. We always voice what we like about the other person. Rarely is it mentioned what we don't like until it is too late. Then it just goes to justify that this person is not right for me. Or that our personalities are just so different. That may indeed be the case, but without a talk about it when it first creeps up as a problem, there is no way to truly know if it could have been something so small, so trivial, that could have been worked out, instead of just another factor that dooms the relationship.

 

I also agree with the previous posters. This thread is amazing. Havn't been on this site for a while, but glad I paid a visit today.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

1) Always treat the other person like it is the 1st month of the relationship. I think we are all guilty of not doing this. How to pull it off? Great experiences and not being around all the time. It leaves us with the craving of wanting more. Of missing the other person. Very hard to pull off though when things are going so good and when it just feels right, but, by doing so you get away from getting too comfortable, familiar, bored, etc. Keeps it fresh. Makes the other person wonder what you've been up to, and dying to see you. This can also tie in to being independent. As well as having that balance in life. In sum, this is what leads to a healthy relationship, and each relationship I have had thus far in life has been better and more towards a truly healthy one. Healthy not in a way that is devoid of abuse, drug use, violence (that too is important), but healthy in keeping insecurities at bay: control, possessiveness, dependence, jealousy, etc. You have to love yourself before you can love another. If you have some serious issues that need to be resolved, take a time-out and work on those first. With those large issues looming over-head, you are in no position to provide someone with what a relationship requires.

 

i did most of this and she used nearly all of the exact opposite of what you have said to breakup with me...

 

???????????????????????????????????????

[gersanos]

BrainRightHeartWrong - hard to say without knowing more. But, people do grow in different stages. Some people know what they want out of life, others don't have a clue. If you guys are young, then magnify that. Bottom line is: can you both grow together?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

If you guys are young, then magnify that. Bottom line is: can you both grow together?

 

no we are not, i am 30 , she is nearly 32! i tried to talk rationally or logically etc. ( well from a mans thinking ) tried to explain my actions in these terms... tried to even explain our reactions to one another...

 

my original thread is here if you want to read... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54015/?goto=newpost

[gersanos]

I have read your thread. There are bad women out there, and conversely, there are bad men out there. She is an inflexible taker. Seems as if she had some unrealistic expectations in the relationship. If she's like this with you, her significant other, then she probably is this way with everyone. You stuck around long enough to see her true colors.

 

One girl I dated was a mirror image of what I described above. I too, like what you went through, had some difficult times at a point when me and her dated. I was struggling with starting grad school, had a car broken into, then a few days later it was stolen, my dad was in the process of losing his job, my living arrangements changed as a result, and my brother leaving the country for a year all within 2.5 weeks. She wasn't supportive, but said that I'm bringing her down, and only mentioned that I'm handling things well. Not exactly what a reasonable person would expect from there SO. I wanted to break it off because she was unsupportive, and she wanted to break it off because I was a drag all of a sudden. Tough pill to swallow considering all was well before all of this happened. Was I emotional during this point in my life? Absolutely. Did I communicate all of this with her? Yes. Did she provide me with the best support she could have? Possibly...but, I would say she didn't. Best to move on and steer clear of her. What is she? An inflexible taker, and looking back on our relationship, I should have spotted this from the get-go as there were numerous hints at her being this way, yet, what can I say? We fell for each other, and when that happens you ignore or overlook many signs that should not be overlooked. Do I regret dating her? No. She tought me many valuable lessons with what to look for and what to avoid. Unfortunately, she claims she learned nothing from being with me. No comment. It makes it that much easier to get over and forget someone when things go bad around the break-up, and to date, that is the only bad break-up I have had. And I too like you, did do many of the things I mentioned in a previous post.

[VirginiaBob]

I like the "inflexible taker" label. I think we all have been in a LTR with one of those (mine was most recently), unless if you are one.