ion Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 There were several things with my ex that made the breakup difficult. One of the absurdities for me, was having these problems in our early 30s. Not knowing what you wanted at this stage of life, communication, lack of flexibility, etc... Even after the breakup, I struggled with accepting what had happened. My sister said something that I felt was profound at the time when I found out my ex was engaged 9 months after the breakup. I couldn't understand how she could be happy again so soon. My sister told me my ex learned in the relationship what she needed and what she didn't. In a sense it wasn't personal for her afterwards. The hardest part in accepting this was realizing it never was right for her like some of the people have posted earlier in this thread, she was going along in the relationship until the possibility of 'us' had been exhausted to her or someone came along that was better. How could something that had felt so right for me, have felt so wrong for her? I remember an email she sent to me during the relationship where she felt ashamed to have been learning so late in life that she could actually choose to do something instead of just doing it because it was the expected thing for her to do. What was difficult to comprehend was how I had to pay for her learning. In the sense, I lost more at least looking at the page right now, but in the long run who knows? But in the end I don't begrudge her that, since I too learned what my character is made of and my feelings from being with her. I'm a better person for the experience and the love. Age has nothing to do it... Very good thread. I think my concern at this point is to take risks again, since the pain subsided. It's easy to fall into a pattern after a breakup and let it become a way of life like an comfortable old shoe. I've got to break apart that old pattern... Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong no we are not, i am 30 , she is nearly 32! i tried to talk rationally or logically etc. ( well from a mans thinking ) tried to explain my actions in these terms... tried to even explain our reactions to one another... my original thread is here if you want to read... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54015/?goto=newpost Link to post Share on other sites
GreenCap Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 This was the point I was trying to make. Our growing pains together with our loved one should benefit our relationship to make it stronger and cement a further bond. It is disheartening that she learnt the lessons from our relationship and be happy with someone else. It should have been us...I don't want to be a statistic in her life...she is more to me than that (and unfortunately she does not reciprocate). She is already engaged after four months of our breakup. In a way, I feel useless because I was the cause of the sadness that she saw in me something or someone she does not want to share her life with - meaning I am the model person that she will never marry - and she will marry someone else. Ego, pride, hurt everything - I hate her, but I don't hate, I trust her but I definitely don't trust her, I love her but I don't love her. And because of her, my work is on the kaputz and I hate myself for being mentally weak. We weren't even married or have kids, we just dated 3 years and lived together for 2 years+ and how come this person has control of my life I don't know - well, actually, I gave her the control and I don't know how to get it back. :-C Link to post Share on other sites
ion Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 Greencap, there is one fundamental problem with should have and that is, it wasn't. Regardless of the outcome of your story, mine or anyone elses..., it's better that it ended sooner than later, since the other person didn't keep choosing to be with you, everyday. And that's what a commitment is, choosing everyday to be with that person, during the ups and downs, all of your life together. There is pain in this, accepting it, realizing it and understanding it. But don't confuse the pain you experience for the ending of the relationship or even betrayal with the pain that you will not ever become yourself again. One day, you will be more than you were before. You will live and love. Link to post Share on other sites
gersanos Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 Breaking off with someone and getting engaged soon after (4 months and 9 months) is not because they know what they want. You don't spend a couple of years, or longer, with a person, and realize that you don't want them anymore and you suddenly realize that this is what you want. It takes a good year to fully realize if you see this person as a long-term partner, meaning marriage material. And even then, it takes a lifetime to truly know a person, and you'd be surprised that you don't even fully know them. Seems like an obsession more than anything, and that will more than likely fade over time. One girl I dated talked marriage and kids with me after a few months, and, I must say that it did feel right at the time. It was a very intense, and passionate relationship. Couple more months down the road, and we're not even on speaking terms. Marriage is a huge commitment. It is something that should evolve after 2 years of dating someone at the minimum. There are exceptions to this, but those are what statisticians would call outliers. My parents are an example: dated for 3 months, got hitched, been together through it all for 27 years and have 4 kids. People I know from high school that have married thus far have all, save 1, been through the divorce process. Scary thing. We are early-mid twenties by the way. Don't beat yourself down that your ex knows exactly what they want and have already found it. Chances are, that they really don't. And don't beat yourself down that you were just a tool. If you don't learn anything from the relationship, then that is very sad. Both parties should learn something from it. It just may take some time before the light hits you. People constantly grow, and people are at different stages of growth. The question remains, can you both grow together? Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 "Marriage is a huge commitment. It is something that should evolve after 2 years of dating someone at the minimum. There are exceptions to this, but those are what statisticians would call outliers. My parents are an example: dated for 3 months, got hitched, been together through it all for 27 years and have 4 kids. People I know from high school that have married thus far have all, save 1, been through the divorce process. Scary thing. We are early-mid twenties by the way." I respectfully disagree with the idea that it takes 2 years of dating at minimum. Statistically speaking, you are not happier or less likely to get divorced whether you dated the person for 2 weeks or 10 years. I've known several people who dated since junior high, got married, and then divorced in 6 months, and on the other hand, I've known a ton of people that dated less than a year and have had life-lasting marriages. I actually think that if you date someone for over 2 years, and things don't work out, that actually works against you since it ruins your heart in terms of being able to trust someone again, etc. In short, if you haven't figured it out with someone after 6 months, you are pretty much wasting time in my opinion. Surely, if someone is the definitely the right person for you, it is a little more obvious than having to think it over and lull over it for 2 years. Just my opinion though. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenCap Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 There is no secret formula for what constitutes right timing for marriage. I guess it happens. My ex is dating/engaged to her boss' boss. They have worked together for quite sometime and he was the one who engineered her rapid rise to her current position while I am only mid level career wise. So in this case, growth was unequal and she probably doesn't want to wait for me to be established. She is older by three years. So, not every woman wants to be with you through thick and thin and if they do, how thick and how thin? In a way, I cannot blame her for being selfish but I when we met, money and status was never a concern. She reiterated that she wants someone to love her, take care or her and be with her for she is independent and do not rely on a man for monetary support. When that change I don't know. Her career was on the up and up so I always made sure I got home early to cook, clean make her home life good. I didn't mind taking a back seat for in a relationship, either achievement benefits both parties. There are many factors and I did learn from this relationship as I learnt from my other past relationships. This was my longest, my true love (maybe not) and was ready to settle down as my career just took off and because of her now it is on the way down. I don't blame her but blame myself for being weak. Anyway, I was actually on the recovery but fell back down again when I learnt last Friday she was dating her boss' boss and then Tuesday that they are actually engaged. I had a depost on a ring already to propose during last holiday season. I am still looking for sunny skies. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 GreenCap, your ex is a f***ing golddigger, you should be glad you are shot of her, you will find someone who will easily outshine this pretentious creature! I bet you her marriage if it happens to this guy doesn't last too long, she'll take his money then latch onto some other ejjit with money willing to take her on look for sunny skies elsewhere and forget her! i have seen this in life so many times! Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Agree with Brian on this one. She's a golddigger. In my opinion, a gold-digger is at least as bad as someone who cheats one time. They will never love you for you and will basically expect you to be a personal slave for them the rest of your life. And with a gold-digger, when the relationship eventually fails, you won't have anything left financially - they will take you for all you are worth - at least with a cheater, you don't have to spend a few years financially recovering. With a cheater, if you are an emotionally strong person, you can go right out and start dating again right after the breakup without really having to rebuild your life from a financial sense. I know someone who was with a gold-digger (in this case, the gold digger was a man) and she had to go bankrupt, and has court-ordered debt to pay for the next 5 years - she also lost her child because her ex-husband (not the gold-digger) proved that she was unable to financially meet the child's needs - and he was right after what this other gold digger did to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenhorn Posted January 21, 2005 Author Share Posted January 21, 2005 I also agree on this.A golddigger is never going to be satisfied.He/She will always crave for more and more and this kind of relationship can never last.Atleast i pity the guy whom she is marrying for money and status etc.She is going to dump that guy as well i am sure of this. I think that if you are entering into a relationship with someone and if you are aware of the previous relationship of that person then it makes sense to know why the previous one ended.I mean if you find that the person who you are thinking of going with is a golddigger you should stay clear for you are also going to be dumped. Atleast this world is full of such kind of people who are nothing but just opportunistic.They will hang around for some time enjoy their time use you and the moment they would find someone better they woulkd dump you and walk off with the new person and dump that person as well for some better opportunity. I just fail to understand how come some people turn out to be this.... Link to post Share on other sites
yeformerballandchain Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 I would like to know the answer to this as well. Sixth month of being dumped after over 25 years of marriage. And let me tell everyone, this dumpee does not enjoy the landfill I live in. I would enjoy writing more, however a chat freak screwed up my entire day. It is rare I would let someone ruin my day like this, I must have been ripe for the ridicule today. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenCap Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Well, she's engaged to the boss' boss. He is loaded so I don't think she will need to go off to look for another person. Have to move on, can't dwell on her too much. Don't know if I will take her back now even if she comes back now that her true character shines through. I think the major relapse two weeks or a week back was that I always harboured the hope that she would return, so knowing that she's engaged already - pretty much means she found her treasure. and I am the chewing gum stuck under the chest. Link to post Share on other sites
haywood Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 is there anybody that had a happy ending that came from a situation like this? has the dumper ever realized that what they had was what they were looking for and came back? this thread is very deep. cleared some things up for me. there has to be some exceptions but they probably wont post because they're all happy and busy. i must fit under the pathetic category. i still think there's a chance. ever since she wanted space, she calls me and tells me she misses me. i just keep it light. damn it's tough. just hoping she realize what she had since it's gone. good luck to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcraig Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 not from myself, but when my parents were just married my mom wanted a divorce because she wasn't sure if she loved him anymore, they split for two weeks. That was 27 years ago, and they are still together, don't give up, but don't pin your hopes on it either. Link to post Share on other sites
ex Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Just wanted to report that there is an extraordinarily good book on this topic, called "Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan. For those of us stuck in wondering what happened, and what our exes' experiences were, and what lies ahead for both... this one has got to be one of the best. Not the most soothing of reads, and slightly academic in tone, but the perspective has been completely invaluable. Top recommendation from this coper. Link to post Share on other sites
yeformerballandchain Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Tx for the heads up. Could you elaborate on the book a bit and do you think I can find this at the library? smd Link to post Share on other sites
ex Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Sure, Vaughn has basically interviewed a 100+ people in depth, and attempts to outline a sort of a sociology of breakups. She proposes that while everyone in relationships have their uncertainties and secrets, typically one person will begin having a greater level of discomfort. Her term for the dumper is "initiator," and she simply calls the dumpee "partner." She describes in good detail the emotional processes which both people undergo, as well as social pressures and identity issues each will encounter. She makes it seem as though our reactions at the end of breakups are almost ritualistic and predictable. Or at the least, we humans, both dumpers and dumpees, exhibit observable and consistent patterns of behavior. Since my breakup, I've been all over the place with questions like "Wasn't my breakup mutual?," "Is the breakup easier/harder for him because he's male," "How the f*ck could he," "What the hell is he thinking by picking up with that skank," "Does his not wanting to be with me mean that he fell out of love," etc. etc. I just think I got some really satisfactory answers here, or at least good clues to the answers. I'm definitely working with more tools from having read this. Some of the stuff was really hard to stomach - like I had to admit: "No, my breakup wasn't mutual, even if I'm the one that left. He was definitely the initiator" -- but still, it's good to feel like I have a better understanding. On the other hand, personally, I've realized that I have got to stop reading so much about this stuff. On most days I'm able to think I've moved on, but then it's just too easy for me to get obsessively analytical, consequently sad, about the lost cause, all over again. For what it's worth, I've absolutely absolutely absolutely decided that after a breakup, one must just NC*, grit teeth and move on. Not that pain or pining are avoidable, but there is truly no point in looking to the ex for closure, staying buddies, anything. The ex cannot help with what you need to make happen, and his continued presence will only hinder the healing. I do think friendship/ reconciliation are possible, but the only way friendship or more seem to be able to happen, at least on any meaningful level, is if both people truly uncouple -- establish a life confirming each's independent identity - and get over. *Excepting cases where there are kids, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
yeformerballandchain Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 ex, Great review. Not only was I laughing out loud at some of your comments, which made me feel I was in very good company. You also hit some very good points, which caused some anxiety of my own, that I need to address. This tells me I need to read this book. I left in a most unusual way. Someday I might share it with the world, (the few that don't know), but not until I get past my personal shame. I hate that this happened, but I did not cause it all by myself. I have taken my part of the blame, but the rest of those involved, have not and I doubt if they ever will. There is a way to drive someone temporarily insane, if you know that person well enough, and have a psychotic personal agenda. What a fool I was to fall for this set up!!! I have yet to find a book that would even come close to the psychological aspects of a long term relationship/marriage that ends horribly. Everything I have read is personal opinion or one person's story. I want the facts! I want to know if he will hurt eventually as badly as I do and maybe even ,in that perfect world, have to live with the guilt of what he did to me. I did hear from one professional that he will go into a deeper guilt and depression, much worse than mine. It was a professional's experience in the field from the words of his own clients. I don't know if I truly wish this on him, but I do want him to hurt like me. I feel as if I am babbling. I have all these images in my mind from the past after reading your review. I will definitely need to prepare myself to read this book. I do need to read this author's viewpoint though. It is a must. TX again! smd Link to post Share on other sites
tigerskye Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Not sure exact reason why someone would dump you.. There is no way to know why someone dumps someone. There could be lots of reason: -person was not giving them what they wanted -wanted someone esle -needed more -family issues -didnot feel a connection -wants to see if they really love them(both ways) -etc. there are so many reasons why people dump each....no one relationship is the same! Sorry I know not much help huh? But it is the truth. I cannot sit there and say she dumped you because she felt negoigated. But I can tell you that I dumped the love of my life before because I thought I had no one of escaping what I was doing to him(I have agrue problems). But I found out that it was truely not him, me and I started working on my problems and don't dump him anymore. so there are so many reasons why and yes you can dump someone you love but there are many reasons why it happens Link to post Share on other sites
tigerskye Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 WOW...I posted before I read the other posts....I have to get to bed now...but I have to come back tomorrow and reads this posts and post again. Sorry if I sounded out there...but I should have read first.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenhorn Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Well the book seems to be a good one i would definitely read it as soon as i can lay my hands on it. Well in a breakup there is always a dumpee and a dumper as i dont think that there is anything like Mutual breakup and someone has suggested in one of the replies above there is nothing as mutual breakup there is always one party who would like to keep the relationship. Well i think there is one more kind of Indirect Dumping where the actual dumpage would be carried out by the dumpee .I give one scenario suppose your partner is neither breaking up nor committted to the relationship he or she is cheating you tellling lies to you betraying you and seeing someone else while being with you.So when you find out what you will do ? you have no option other than to end the relationship and get out of this so in this case though the dumpage is not carried out by the dumper yet that person is a dumper. Sounds complex ehh... i think just like Fluid Mechanics we can have Mechanics of Dumping and like Newton's three laws we can have laws of Dumping too Link to post Share on other sites
yeformerballandchain Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 greenhorn, I am in agreement, I think. Whoa, that was complex for so early on Monday morning. smd Link to post Share on other sites
guest134 Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 When I dumped someone, that someone was very boring to me. He was "in love" with me, but I know that he was in love with "being in love" more than anything. There wasn't any sparks. He wanted to marry me. So I dumped him. There wasn't any feelings for him on my part after I did that. It was just natural for me to do. So don't think the person who dumped you thinks a wink about you. He probably thinks you are boring. I'm not going to say move on, because I hate that when someone says that to me. Just know that he thinks nothing about you. Nothing. Not one thing is going through is head about you. Nada. Zilch. He thinks you are boring. And go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenhorn Posted December 11, 2005 Author Share Posted December 11, 2005 When I dumped someone, that someone was very boring to me. He was "in love" with me, but I know that he was in love with "being in love" more than anything. There wasn't any sparks. He wanted to marry me. So I dumped him. There wasn't any feelings for him on my part after I did that. It was just natural for me to do. So don't think the person who dumped you thinks a wink about you. He probably thinks you are boring. I'm not going to say move on, because I hate that when someone says that to me. Just know that he thinks nothing about you. Nothing. Not one thing is going through is head about you. Nada. Zilch. He thinks you are boring. And go from there. This is pretty hypocritical, if that person was boring and such then why did you start the relationship ? You don't fall in love with a person in the first one month of a relationship, isn't it ? Anyway good for you, and frankly speaking, I don't give a damn whether the dumper feels anything or not ? When it is over, it's over and afterwards a man got to do what a man go to do. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
teethbrushes Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 most of the dumpers I've seen go through pain too, but not as much as the dumpee. It seems a pattern that they feel fine for a long time and then all of the sudden are hit by a truck of feelings for their ex. Its weird. But I've definitely noticed the pattern. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenhorn Posted December 11, 2005 Author Share Posted December 11, 2005 You know why they don't feel anything, cause the process has some rewards for them. A dumper most of the time dumps for better prospects, like when they are trying to hook with some one who will give more love, more money , more status or such.... So the process brings a rewards for the dumpers and later they come out with statement such as the 'guest134' to justify it. no hard feelings for dumpers, you got a chance so you dumped it. It is all the fault of the dumpees who gave someone a chance to dump them. Link to post Share on other sites
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