MissTrudy Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 So I know that logically, holding out hope is foolish and the best way to move forward is to forget about my ex. I've had some time to clear my head and I haven't been pursuing anyone else, I've been NC for a good amount of time, and while I have some bad days overall I am happy. Definitely a lot better than I was the night we broke up and the night I re-initiated NC. I had reactivated my OKC but I wasn't really interested in dating, just sort of looking at the prospects and I'm not going to lie, getting a bit of an ego boost from seeing who was viewing and messaging me. Most of the messages I've gotten were very vague or short, not worth my time, I got a few where someone actually read my profile and asked a question about something and I replied kindly. But nothing serious, again I haven't been really interested in seeing anyone else as I am still holding out hope that I can get back with my ex after we've had some time apart. Well a few days ago I started entertaining the idea of dating someone casually. To help me get over my ex and to stifle the feelings I have sometimes that I am not worthy of love. To see if I can find some one who gives me the respect I deserve, who is unencumbered by past relationships. I am hoping that my ex will become this when he has some time to get over his past relationships and that is why I broke up with him. But now, funnily enough, I am not over him and even though I want to start dating again, I won't be able to prioritize the next person I date because I will still be thinking about him. It's like I've turned into my ex! Besides the fact that I am not over my ex, I am kind of scared about putting myself out there because of the prospect that I'll get hurt again. In the past rebounding has helped me when the relationships were casual, but I never really got over an ex until I found someone that was so much better of a fit for me that it didn't even make sense for me to compare him to my ex. I feel like a casual relationship might help me but I don't want anything that could be misconstrued as a relationship primarily based on hooking up. I am not ready to be intimate with anyone and I have no desire for that. I feel like a casual relationship might help, but it's something serious that I want. Maybe I need to go through a casual stage first before I can date someone seriously again? Two guys messaged me today on OKC who actually wrote compelling messages that piqued my interest. but both of them seem like they want serious relationships, and I don't want to lead anyone on. I am also not terribly attracted to them, but I would give them a chance. But I am afraid of hurting other people and this feels like it might be a recipe for that. Should I just ignore them and continue not dating other people until I fully resolve things with my ex in a month or two? Or should I date people before I talk to my ex again, risking the possibility of meeting someone that will convince me not to contact my ex? Has anyone ever had to choose between these options and if so what did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think it sounds like you just need to be alone for awhile and sort things out. There's nothing wrong with taking some time to do that. The men will always be there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RDawg Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I'm interested to know how you intend "to fully resolve things" with your ex in a month or two? Maybe go on some dates with these other guys just to see how it feels. I tried it after about 2 months post BU and I quickly realised that I had no real desire to date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I have been thinking the same thing. 16 mo R, hardest BU for me in my 41 years...was fully all in and vulnerable, 8 weeks BU and 8 weeks NC (since day 1). My head and heart are slowly getting on the same page. My head is "hey, heart...time to move on..we have done alot of work on ourselves these past 2 months". My heart is "hey head I am not ready, I am still sad at times, blah blah blah" I am moving into a new place this weekend and want to get settled. I am going to see how I "feel" on March 1st. If I feel like casual dating then I will get back on Match (where I met my ex). If I am not ready then I will continue to take it one day at a time and feel it out. I see nothing wrong with having a profile up and seeing what is out there. Some coffee dates would be good with me. Just meeting new people and learning new things about others and myself. I have written out what "I want and looking for" in my "ideal partner". I have had this list for a few weeks. It has helped me think about the future and someone else. The way I see it...I AM going to get everything I want in love and life....sometimes you just have to take a different route to get there. Enjoy the journey and the free fall. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SadNLonley Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I kind of understand where you are coming from. Im so sick of this whole grieving thing, but yet i cant stop it. Im trying to get happy, but im on a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. Never consistent. I've been trying to get out with girlfriends on the weekends I dont have my kids, but I'd really like the attention of a man to make me feel desired again. Feel pretty. I think about the OLD, but then when I snoop around them, I get kind of sick to my stomach. I dont know that I could actually go on a date. How messed up is that. I WANT (not need) a man in my life, but yet I dont think I can yet. Its been 8 freakin months. When is this crap going to end??? If you are able to get out there, just enjoy yourself. If they bring up the idea of really wanting a relationship, nip it in the bud right away advising you're really not interested yet. Take it day by day. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 . . I think about the OLD, but then when I snoop around them, I get kind of sick to my stomach. . ugh....i just felt that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTrudy Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 I'm interested to know how you intend "to fully resolve things" with your ex in a month or two? Maybe go on some dates with these other guys just to see how it feels. I tried it after about 2 months post BU and I quickly realised that I had no real desire to date. I didn't articulate it well, but by fully resolve things I mean talk to him and try to reestablish our friendship (fortunately we ended on a positive note and were in agreement that we needed the break) then if that goes well work up to a relationship. Going very slowly though. If in a month he is still at the same place he was at when I broke up with him, I will bite the bullet and move on and stop pursuing a second chance. I know I shouldn't be hopeful to begin with but I am and I can't change that about myself. But I think if I see that he is still not over his ex and still unable to prioritize dating me... well given all of the physical and emotional chemistry, not to mention deep friendship, that we developed over a few months, I will just have have to throw my towel in because it'll be obvious to me that his feelings for his ex were deeper than I thought, and/or his feelings for me were not as strong as I thought they were. Maybe seeing that he is still like that will make it easier than it is now, not knowing what's going on with him? I don't want to do it, I am scared about it, and I am scared that it will make me sad all over again but I am prepping myself for that outcome. I also think that it will be a bit easier for me to date if I am more excited about my prospects. These guys seem nice but I am not excited about them...could be partially due to my residual feelings but I think more importantly it's just that I am not excited about them. Link to post Share on other sites
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