moving2fast Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Hi Everyone, I am writing this because I feel as though I am an embarrassment to my bf. I had led a very immoral lifestyle and engaged in very disgusting behavior. I am trying to make changes, talking and working things through with a therapist, there is just so much to sort through. I work as a personal assistant for my bf, and I do worry about other people im the office see our relationship. I do not have much interaction with other people in the office, but they see me with him. I do not want people to think less of him because he associates with me. I used to not really be bothered by whether or not people looked down on me, but now I just don't feel good enough. I am not. And a few times while out in public mean things were said about my bf just because he was with me. He has a dinner he will be going to with important people this evening in celebration of something work related. He wants me to come along, but I do not think it would be a good idea. I do not want anyone to think poorly of him because he's with me. He says no one would and it is in my head, but I know I don't belong. I want to tell him I don't think I should be working with him, but I really don't know what else to do now. If I go back to what I used to do we will break up and I won't be bettering myself. I would be going backwards. I dunno what to do. I am really unsure of myself and. what's happening. I am feeling really depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Please don't turn this into " honey , I'm breaking up with you because I'm not good enough for you " BS situation. Going down the road of being depressed because of how people view your man is extremely unattractive. Plus it subconsciously shows that you need your man to be loved and adored by all, the external validation that you made the right choice. If your relationship is good, why would you allow outsiders to influence it ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Our relationship is the best I've ever been a part of. I am very lucky that my bf hasn't walked away from me due to issues I have and things I have done in the relationship ( like cheating). I probably shouldn't be concerned with how other people see us, but I do worry. I know he's great, I know I have a wonderful man, but I know I'm no catch. I don't like people assuming he's doing something wrong because he's with me. I know I shouldn't care, I just don't want him getting hurt just because he's dating me. We've been out and I didn't care about stuff before, but now if I heard another person assume he's a pervert/ robbing the crib I will feel bad, even though I know better and am not underage. And if people he did business with saw us together and knew the type of person I have been, they may lessen their respect of him. I don't want to break up at all. I just really care about him. I used to not even care but it really is starting to worry and upset me. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate9292 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 It only matters if HE thinks you are an embarrasment to him and not if others do, especially if they are not his family or close friends. Don't let jealousy of others ruin the great thing you have. If he knows about your lifestyle and still accepts you, you have a keeper. Don't ruin it, girl. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Don't let your past behavior define who you will be forever. If you are making positive changes and you have a forgiving boyfriend, you're on the right track. Face your challenges; don't run from them. Your BF knows that people are human and make mistakes. Those that can admit them and improve themselves as a result are better people than many, many others. My advice, stick it out. Stay in the job. Attend dinners with him. Don't hide in shame. He is proud of you. Show him that he's got good reason to be. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You need to let this go. You've been completely honest with him. You're working seriously on changing yourself. That's all you're responsible for. He knows your past. He knows the risks to his reputation that he's taking by being with you and by working with you. He feels they're worth it. Nobody held a gun to his head and forced him into either a dating or work relationship with you. He's doing it because he feels the things you bring to his life outweigh any trouble being with you might cause. It would be unfair for you to take any of that away from him just because you think you know what's best for him better than he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 I am curious what "disgusting behavior" you did? Also you say you cheated on this guy, why is he even still with you? Was the cheating just kissing? Was it sex? Does he know you cheated? Is there any other "disgusting behavior" besides cheating? Before accepting the position as his personal assistant, I was an actress in adult films. Before that I was selling myself in my home state, and I was wrapped up in drugs as well, and at one point drinking was an issue(but I resolved that well before meeting him). I was involved in an affair that lasted a little while, and I did have sex with people outside of our relationship. That was with multiple people over a relatively short period of time, and he knows about it because I did tell him, all of it. I really don't know why he is still with me, but he says he loves me and won't leave me now. He probably would have, if I didn't agree to basically getting my life on track. I know it's mostly in my head, like my own depression and insecurities taking over at the moment. I usually don't have to worry about really feeling anything because I would be so busy partying and getting high and just not even having to be me, it's really hard. People probably see me as a typical young lady, I don't look noticeable, just really small and younger than I actually am. I'm just projecting and ashamed of myself. I really don't want to care. The only people that would really know what I have done are those that have seen me engaged in activities, heard about me,(no one I currently work with would know unless they watched, I'm not telling) partied with me, or slept with me. I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I would hate for my bf and I to be together and someone important pull him aside and ask him something/warn him about me. I don't feel good enough to be in the office. I don't feel good enough to be working in that type of atmosphere, I'm not even needed. He only hired me to help me. I shouldn't be working for him, but I really wouldn't be productive anywhere else right now, except doing what I used to, and I agreed not to do that. Me being around really is not at all good for him, and I try and tell him but he won't listen. All I do is stress him out and hurt him, I don't mean to, it's just all I do. I couldn't bring myself to go to the dinner with him and that really did disappoint him, but he understands that I'm not really feeling up to it right now. I wouldn't have even been bothered with going a couple of weeks ago, but so many emotions are eating at me. I just feel really bad, and not going makes me feel worse. I need to find something to cheer me up and get my mind off of things. I really don't feel good enough or worth any of the effort. I do not fit into his life, doesn't matter what he says, doesn't matter what I'm doing right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Trep Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, the BF's opinion is the only one that matters here. Your BF wouldn't have invited you with him or given you the job if he didn't want you around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 I don't know how to let it go. I know his opinion is the one that matters. I just really feel he is going to suffer more than I already cause him to if he keeps treating me this way. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Maybe you could try talking to an unbiased third party like a counselor ? Your past is your past. You have a great job and are in a good and healthy relationship . You can't change what you did you can only learn from it and live your life differently now. The things you did aren't the sum of you and honestly? Not that bad in the grand scheme of BAD THINGS. Hold your head up and be proud of yourself for getting out of that world and making a better life for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 I'm currently seeing a therapist, and I thought this was a good step, but if I'm feeling this way more and more, I don't know. I'll be talking to my therapist Tuesday, it just really kicks rocks right now. I want there to be something that's just going to make me feel better straight away instead of thinking and feeling like crud. My bf came to my apartment straight after his dinner and said he really wished I was there and that he was worried about me, he did text during but he worries a lot. I really was tempted to do something while he was gone, but he was hardly gone long and texting, so I didn't. Sorry to be such a pain. Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 You said you were an actress in adult films, why not try to be an actress in an adult life until your therapy catches up with your situation? Try to look and act the part of a valuable assistant. Dress appropriately, familiarize your self with his habits and professional needs, try to better your skills via book and online learning. A real, authentic (I don't usually use that word) life is sometimes hard but always worth the effort. Don't give up and know that no matter who you are there will always be detractors and sometimes those hateful people are really after the one you love and loves you. Good luck and stay strong for the both of you, Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Twosadthings, I didn't even think about approaching work that way. When we go back Monday, I will really try and play that part. It's been hard working with him ( he doesn't request much of me) this switch in my head just flicks at times and I try to excuse myself when I can. Sometimes, I can't and it's inappropriate. He doesn't get upset with me, if he can he leaves the room / at the least makes sure no one else is present to witness things. I just feel really awful that it is this way that he's put himself in this position. He doesn't shame me on it, no one else knows what I'm doing/ what's going on. We know I couldn't be anywhere else in my current condition, and he is helping me so very much but it's costing him. Even if he doesn't want to say because he wants to make sure I get better, I know I'm pulling him down. I can say at least I'm starting to excuse myself but I can't always and the more I think the more I need to really leave the office. He won't say anything because he is too nice. I know I shouldn't be there for that part. I haven't been able to talk to my therapist about this yet, the start of the job I thought I was handling it well, he was telling me I was doing excellent, but I can't keep pretending I don't see things. And people are going to notice if they don't already know other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 I didn't cheat because I had fallen out of love with him or felt less for him. I just have really strong urges for sexual attention/stimulation. It is still an issue now, really why I have to excuse myself during work and worry about embarrassing him. It was really bad at the time because I was also mixed up with the drugs, the old job, and certain people. When I was cheating, we weren't seeing each other and talking like I had grown accustomed to us doing. I didn't know how to handle being in this type of relationship. I know it may sound like an excuse, but it's an issue that I'm trying to get a hold of now, and he gets it. I do not consider him to be a doormat. I do not want to take advantage of him or cause him any pain. He caught onto things and gave me the option of doing better for myself(and our relationship) with the rules he had lined out or just breaking up and continuing to destroy myself and possibly dying. He could do much better, I agree. I'm sure he knows that too, I do tell him that. I do not think he has major issues with self esteem or anything else, but I could be wrong. I just really don't see it that way at all. He would have left if I continued to be the way I was, I do not doubt that for second because he was already keeping distance before I started and confessed to the cheating(because of the drug use and job effecting the way I was behaving), and then he when started coming around we weren't and haven't been the same. Our relationship is different, and I know it's for the better. He has explained his feelings and why he's doing what he does and also why he won't allow other things to happen anymore. He loves me and really cares about me, so he hasn't left knowing I am getting some help. He says he won't abandon me, I need someone to actually care/want good things to come of my life and not just use and take from me. I know he could do better and that this relationship is not a good one for him. I am not worth the trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 If you judge your guy to be a person of quality and someone who is worthy of your trust then you'll have to accept you are deserving of him if that's what he is demonstrating to you by his words and deeds. Make his life better by you being in it and the bad feelings that keep coming your way will end. Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
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