tiki Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 So for those who don't know, I just got married a month ago. I was a single mom for three years...two years being very hard, the last - not so hard, he was in my life. So here's the dealio...everytime I get something at the house, for the house, whatever....if it's something I know I'd have a hard time taking care of by myself, I freak out and kinda don't want it, for the simple fear of being alone and not being able to take care of it. Does that make sense? Is that normal? For example...I love my bunny, but I'm afraid of animals....to say the least. Now, what happens if he's not in my life anymore and I'm stuck there all by myself and can't take care of the damn bunny? I can't do that! So it freaks me out. It's almost like I can't commit to something I know I can't take care of on my own! Another thing, we just bought a water cooler for the kitchen. You go and fill up this huge water thing and have to put it on the cooler, and it's very heavy. Well he (ofcourse) takes care of this, but OMG what if he left me and I couldn't take care of this? Why is this trying to dictate my life? It's almost like I don't want anything unless I can handle it solely by myself with no problem. Gosh, what is wrong with me? Am I being pessimistic or realistic? He hates it when I do this! But is it normal? To want to be able to fend for myself if he leaves my ass? Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 I think its part of the normal adjustment to married life. Its gonna take time to realize that you have him to count on. You've been divorced before, right? Is it any surprise that you're trying to make sure you can care for things if he is no longer in your life? Not really, because its happened to you before. Its good to start off on things like the watercooler, but check this out. You have a son and you were able to take care of him, even single. That bunny, that water-thingy are no match for the responsibility of being a single mother. Even if something does happen to mr. wonderful, you know you're gonna be ok. In the meantime, let him carry that water jug and clean up those rabbit turds. Thats what he's here for. llama Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 It's called self preservation... Because of your past experience Tiki, I wouldn't say the way you're feeling is not normal.. You thought life would be a certain way.. and then everything changed and you found yourself a single mom struggling to do the right things for you and your little person and make it on your OWN. I'm right there with ya sister... It's hard for me to "allow" people to help me out.. I want to know I can do it by myself "just incase" I have to.. The good thing is, you recognize this in yourself.. so you can work on things.. tiempo.. time, time, time will be what gets you through it.. when you realize he isn't going anywhere.. and you can breathe.. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 i'd say it's normal -- my husband went through the first 7-8 years of our marriage thinking I was gonna stab him in the back like his two ex-wives did, and nothing I did or said could make him change his mind. almost like he had this fatalistic view of "it's gonna end, I know it's just gonna end, so I'm going to focus on making myself miserable about something I know is gonna end." it takes time to let yourself learn to trust the situation (marriage) you're in. however, in the meantime, I'd suggest a back-up plan for those things that worry you: can you return the water cooler? would you be able to fob it off on someone else who could use it if you couldn't use it? would you learn how to maintain the thing, telling yourself that you're his backup to care for it if he gets called away for work or for family matters? as for the bunny ... aw, honey, there are lots of organizations that provide animal rescue, you can learn about them online. familiarize yourself with them so that if there ever comes a day you're not able to care for your little snookums, you know of places willing to help you place him/her in a loving home. I know we've thought about that for my dad's dogs should he pass away without making prior arrangements for their well-being. hope this helps. in the meantime, take a deep breath and tell yourself it takes baby steps when you first learn to walk ... you're gonna be all right, teek! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted January 18, 2005 Author Share Posted January 18, 2005 Aww, thanks you guys. I feel bad, and I can tell it irks him, but I just don't want it in my life if I can't do it by myself. And I can't trust that he'll be there forever, I thought that about my first husband. I just didn't know if I was being a pessimist, a nutcase, or what. Maybe after some time I'll learn to more depend on him. Arrgh, I hate depending on a man. Guess it's part of it though. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 well tiki, i can understand. it is trust issues. far fetched ones though, but they still mirror your internal conflict of letting down your guard and giving over this trust you are clinging to. and it seems you are just sooo scared of the future, or lack of one really. a future with out your new hubby, cause you are scared he will leave you, as you have been left in the past. This is gonna be a hard habit to break, tiki. You are going to have to retrain yourself not to think of all the worst case scenarios, which may never happen. cause you are hindering yourself and others by living in fears of the future, that happened in the past. try not to let your past haunt you...Remember this, what happened in the past will never happen again....not exactly ayways. You are older, wiser, and have a ton of experience under your belt....Not to mention us awesome folks at the LS! Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Survivial instinct. You have been there, all alone, all tough and now you've got someone to protect you. There's nothing wrong in letting a man help, in allowing him to have a certain responsability and a role in your marriage. Call it the division of work. Equitable division of work . On the other hand, what can else you do? You cannot keep inviting the neighbour to help you with the watercooler, only to preserve your independence. I think that after the third time he'll think you're hitting on him, you newlywed, you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 it is normal. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Maybe after some time I'll learn to more depend on him. Arrgh, I hate depending on a man. Girl, if you wanna keep that watercooler inside you house, you are gonna depend on a man for it!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted January 18, 2005 Author Share Posted January 18, 2005 Thanks. You guys are great. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Llamas like bunnies anyway. Mmmm, tasty. Send it my way if you have any problems with mr. wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted January 18, 2005 Author Share Posted January 18, 2005 MUST - STOP - THINKING - ABOUT - LLAMAS! Girl...I've gotta stay focused on my new marriage!!! Now, you wouldn't really eat my bunny, woodya? My son would hafta power ranger chop ya to death. He loves that damn bunny. Last night Keith caught him putting him in a toy cage that was about half the size of the actual bunny...lmao...he got him in there though! Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Not unless you said I could Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted January 18, 2005 Author Share Posted January 18, 2005 Mean llama! Somebody needs to spit on you! Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by tiki MUST - STOP - THINKING - ABOUT - LLAMAS! Now, you wouldn't really eat my bunny, woodya? Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama Not unless you said I could Oh, GOD. My brain is too tired today, or I am horny or something....I read those posts and read all kinds of things into them. Tiki, dear you will do just fine. Marriage is an adjustment. Independance is wonderful, but having someone to help out is a gift. And just what is "normal" anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
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