SerCay Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I noticed today that I'm actually pissed off with my friend. I visited her yesterday, she had a baby 2 weeks ago, to see her baby and to congratulate her, give her my gift. 4 hours I was there, the only subject was her birth, her baby, her vajayjay, her research on babies... all baby. Not once did she ask, how are you? but like NOT ONCE. But the thing that pissed me off most: My aunt has cancer, she was diagnosed 2 months ago and we're as a family struggling with it, she's like a mother to me, raised me until I was 6 yo. My friend KNOWS this. My friend knows my aunt as well. My friends knows my struggle. She didnt ask about my aunt once. I know Im not supposed to think of her as selfish, as she just had a baby so she's all wrapped up in that bubble, but I cant help but feel its selfish. I mean come on.... I'm seriously considering cutting ties with her as this is not the first selfish encounter I've had with her. Am I overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 When you have a baby, it takes over your entire life. You live, breathe, and sleep baby. So it is pretty normal that you are oblivious to the needs of others around you. But you say that it isn't the first time she's been selfish, so maybe distancing yourself from her wouldn't be a bad idea. I am sorry about your aunt. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you're definitely overreacting. She just had a baby 2 weeks ago, so she's exhausted, in pain, and getting hammered with waves of crazymaking hormones. For the first few weeks a baby is your whole world. Not because new moms are selfish, but because new babies are incredibly needy and demanding. You're constantly on edge attending to the baby, making sure the baby is comfortable, wondering what in the world you can do to get the baby to stop screaming for five solid minutes so you can get some sleep. Sleep deprivation is another thing that can make new moms crazy. You've been sleeping poorly for months, and all of a sudden there's a baby going nuts shrieking its little head off every 2-3 hours like clockwork. She's stressed, sleep deprived, and probably still in pain, so yeah, she's not thinking about much beyond herself and her new baby. I'm also sorry about your aunt, but I think your friend's insensitivity is most likely due to worn out parentitis. If you can't stand hearing about the baby, try distancing yourself until the baby is sleeping through the night and she's less tired. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 It certainly seems fair to consider whether you think - in the big picture - that your relationship with her isn't sufficiently balanced, and whether you want to stay invested or distance yourself. But it does seem a little unreasonable to use what is probably the most stressful moment in her life as a litmus test, and come away saying "she failed; that was the final straw!" So I think maybe you're overreacting to this one encounter, given its context (new baby), but that you're always entitled to take a step back, in view of the overall relationship, and decide whether it's worth your time and energy to stay invested. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Its weird, when my girlfriend had twins, like I knew the world was still going on around us, but It didn't seem like it could be - like how can life still be going on as normal when everything's changed so much? Truth is my world had be rocked, but to the world itself, not so much! We were just another couple sitting in the NICU. Two weeks is dead fresh, she probably still feels in a trance! I'm sorry about your aunt, and she should of asked, no excuses, but maybe go gentle! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Its like when people are planning their weddings, they get tunnel vision. So obnoxious, so NOT self-aware. They have no idea that no one else cares as much about this as they do, they think it's the highlight of EVERYONE'S life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 This girl has always been about herself. The last time she contacted me was for her babyshower... She normally doesnt have the habit of just asking me how im doing. It has nothing to do with her parentitis, its just her character. But since we go back so long and she genuinely has no clue of her selfishness I dont feel right just cutting her off... I will just continue as I was already doing, distancing myself silently... Some people are just not a match for each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 If I just had a baby two weeks ago and my friend got mad at me and talked crap on me because all that I could think of was my baby I'd question myself for having a friend like that. Maybe bring it up to her. She may decide that she doesn't want a friend like you either. Then you can both eliminate each other from your lives and you can worry more about your aunt and she can devote more of her time to her newborn without being judged for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 If this was just the one occurrence, I would say forgive it. It's bad that she wasn't concerned, but a 2-weeks old newborn takes a lot of energy and she probably hasn't been sleeping much at all - people get careless and forget. But if it has been a pattern, then yes, might be a good idea to walk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 No, you're not overreacting. It wasn't always this way, but these days women start getting a lot of attention from being pregnant and then having the child and seem reluctant to let go of it once the festivities are past. It seems like some assume this should be the foremost thing in all their friends' worlds going forward as well. Sure, I get it's new and overwhelming, but it doesn't give anyone license to just go full-time me, me, me, me, me, me. Unfortunately it's likely to just continue if it starts this way. These days some mothers use having kids as an excuse to be neglectful and inconsiderate. Again, it wasn't always this way. It's only been in the last 15 or so years that they put themselves up on the pedestal and crowned themselves with a tiara. Before, it was just a fact of life, what every animal on earth does, and the joy and stress of it was pretty much kept in the family. There is a baby photo blocking feature on Facebook. You'll probably be needing that soon.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Before, it was just a fact of life, what every animal on earth does, and the joy and stress of it was pretty much kept in the family. . Haha it is just a fact a life, till you have your own, then It becomes your life 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) If I just had a baby two weeks ago and my friend got mad at me and talked crap on me because all that I could think of was my baby I'd question myself for having a friend like that. Maybe bring it up to her. She may decide that she doesn't want a friend like you either. Then you can both eliminate each other from your lives and you can worry more about your aunt and she can devote more of her time to her newborn without being judged for it. Hey, in fairness, it doesn't sound like the OP threw a hissy fit and ripped on her friend in person. When posters come on here and describe a situation where they behaved humanely and with restraint, but then they are processing it after the fact, I'm not going to tear them apart for having strong feelings about it and describing them and trying to process them here. Isn't this supposed to be the safe place where you can pound the couch pillows and not be called a dick for it? Now, if she behaved poorly to her friend, then I might have something to say about it, but I'm not going to penalize her for having feelings, questioning them, and trying to work them out. This girl has always been about herself. The last time she contacted me was for her babyshower... She normally doesnt have the habit of just asking me how im doing. It has nothing to do with her parentitis, its just her character. But since we go back so long and she genuinely has no clue of her selfishness I dont feel right just cutting her off... I will just continue as I was already doing, distancing myself silently... Some people are just not a match for each other. Before I got to this post of yours, I was thinking much like the above: if this is typical of the big picture, and with that broader perspective, you think that this isn't a relationship you want to nurture any further, then maybe this is a good time to allow yourself to drift away for a while - I think I even had the word "quietly" in my head - and then I read that you used "silently..." It may be the obvious breakpoint to just kinda let nature take its course. Plus, by not burning the bridge and making it into some kind of a showdown, you each have the option to reach out to the other in the future, if it feels right. And if it doesn't, that's cool too. But I do think you're sensible to consider the overall picture and trajectory of the relationship, and base your intentions on that, more than making it about this one most recent interaction under somewhat special circumstances. Edited February 14, 2014 by Trimmer 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Hey, in fairness, it doesn't sound like the OP threw a hissy fit and ripped on her friend in person. When posters come on here and describe a situation where they behaved humanely and with restraint, but then they are processing it after the fact, I'm not going to tear them apart for having strong feelings about it and describing them and trying to process them here. Isn't this supposed to be the safe place where you can pound the couch pillows and not be called a dick for it? Now, if she behaved poorly to her friend, then I might have something to say about it, but I'm not going to penalize her for having feelings, questioning them, and trying to work them out. Thank you Trimmer, I appreciate what you just said. I chose to ignore Amaysngrace's post since, A. I did not talk crap to my friend, and B. I am not judging her for being occupied with her baby, so the post didn't make sense to me. :laugh:I just laugh it of. Before I got to this post of yours, I was thinking much like the above: if this is typical of the big picture, and with that broader perspective, you think that this isn't a relationship you want to nurture any further, then maybe this is a good time to allow yourself to drift away for a while - I think I even had the word "quietly" in my head - and then I read that you used "silently..." It may be the obvious breakpoint to just kinda let nature take its course. Plus, by not burning the bridge and making it into some kind of a showdown, you each have the option to reach out to the other in the future, if it feels right. And if it doesn't, that's cool too. But I do think you're sensible to consider the overall picture and trajectory of the relationship, and base your intentions on that, more than making it about this one most recent interaction under somewhat special circumstances. Exactly, I would absolutely not say these things if it was this one time this happened. This has been an ongoing issue and I guess this was the final straw. It all started with her wedding, she asked me to be her maid of honor and then totally treated me like crap. Long stories, anyway, since then she has always been about herself only. I broke up with my boyfriend and I told her about it, the only reaction she could give was: Oh, you guys will be back together in 2 weeks anyway. That's it. Even another friend of ours who was in the car at that moment with us, was like . All she could ever talk about since her bf proposed has been herself. I tried to tell her things about myself ocassionally, but I wonder if she remembers ANY of it lol, since it never comes up again. So yeah, I think I have a pretty strong case to decide that this friendship is onesided. But like I already said, she is not aware of it..I can't blame her for being herself. So...yeah I will let it go Quietly/silently Like you say Trimmer, maybe in the future we can hang out ocassionally, so there's no need to cut ties with drama. I mean we do have a history together, it's always good to have long-time friends, even if you keep them with boundaries 1 Thing I do regret though... Is how much money I've spent on her bachelorettes and on her wedding for traditional clothes from her culture. But I see it all as a lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I noticed today that I'm actually pissed off with my friend. I visited her yesterday, she had a baby 2 weeks ago, to see her baby and to congratulate her, give her my gift. 4 hours I was there, the only subject was her birth, her baby, her vajayjay, her research on babies... all baby. Not once did she ask, how are you? but like NOT ONCE. But the thing that pissed me off most: My aunt has cancer, she was diagnosed 2 months ago and we're as a family struggling with it, she's like a mother to me, raised me until I was 6 yo. My friend KNOWS this. My friend knows my aunt as well. My friends knows my struggle. She didnt ask about my aunt once. I know Im not supposed to think of her as selfish, as she just had a baby so she's all wrapped up in that bubble, but I cant help but feel its selfish. I mean come on.... I'm seriously considering cutting ties with her as this is not the first selfish encounter I've had with her. Am I overreacting? She can't be the friend you want her to be. She just had her baby. I'm sorry for all that you're going through, but she rightfully so is thinking of herself. It is selfish but she isn't being malicious about it. But as you say, this isn't the first time she's been selfish, so if you feel the friendship has reached it's end, then just keep it casual and don't rely on her for anything. let it just fizzle out as time goes on. No point in making her feel like crap because she didn't ask about you and your life while in the hospital with her new born baby. Until you have kids, you won't understand her mindset. The timing was off in this situation though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Sorry but my baby is 9 weeks and I would NEVER not ask a friend, in this situation! That's a bit rude. I've found that after having a baby my school friend hadn't even talked to me (she is younger and self involved). I get annoyed because I'm still the same person. I'd be happy to talk about other topics, especially as your upset about your relative. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 She should be lucky you're still interested. My friends didn't want to know me, after a had a child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 If this was 8 months after she had the baby, I'd say you'd have a case. But two weeks? Considering the sleep deprivation, the raging hormones, and the fact that her entire world has changed, I'd be shocked if she DIDNT want to talk nonstop about the baby. She should even out soon. If you don't think enough of her as a friend to give her a bit of time to get her bearings, walk. You'd be doing you BOTH a favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 She should be lucky you're still interested. My friends didn't want to know me, after a had a child. Sugarkane, your friends are stupid... why would you not talk to a friend just because they had a baby?? I'm sorry for you, you deserve better. Of course I'm still going to be interested if my friend has a baby, if not more interested in the beginning, sharing her or his excitement! (Except in this case for me that is..) Your friend(s) maybe don't know how to deal with it, or they're selfish like this friend of mine.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 (edited) If this was 8 months after she had the baby, I'd say you'd have a case. But two weeks? Considering the sleep deprivation, the raging hormones, and the fact that her entire world has changed, I'd be shocked if she DIDNT want to talk nonstop about the baby. She should even out soon. If you don't think enough of her as a friend to give her a bit of time to get her bearings, walk. You'd be doing you BOTH a favor. Truly, I wonder why some of you (2) are up on your high horses...I handled this really delicately, and I didn't say anything to her in her moment of bliss. But I'm allowed to express my feelings, that's what LoveShack is here for. It helps us process things we cannot or dare not say out loud IRL. Please, If you feel like being mean do it elsewhere. It's not as if I'm here saying ''she had a baby and she doesn't want to talk about ME, so I'm cutting her off''. I explained the situation and if you don't understand, and or disagree, express it in a normal matter please, like all the others that disagreed with me did. No need to be mean and/or sarcastic. I came here for genuine advice. It takes the fun out of LS. Edited February 19, 2014 by SerCay Link to post Share on other sites
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