Is it all about looks when it comes to online dating?

[Legatus]

I have been on one of the dating sites for a while. I have been speaking to one woman for few months but because of our busy lives we don't really talk on a daily basis.

 

I have decided to send few more messages and barely got any responses.

 

I wonder, is it really just about looks? I did not message women that were attractive only - I actually read their profile three times before deciding whether to send something or not. I never send one-liners, always try to ask questions about the interests and passions they have.

 

Honestly I do try to make an effort as I believe it's much more interesting than just "hi, how you're doing" or anything that relates to looks.

 

I found one profile that I could not believe existed. She liked old-fashioned ways, music from 80s and partying every Friday wasn't her thing. So I messaged her saying how I understand her fondness of the past and asked some questions about her interests.

 

Sometimes it is a bit frustrating.. you read all those profiles and women wanting to get to know somebody with more interests than just going to gym or spending weekends at clubs..

 

It's not that I'm desperate. I know my value, I am happy on my own at the moment and got pretty interesting life right now which I build by myself. However having somebody to chat or occasionally hang with, go to the theatre or something is an activity I would very much enjoy. Ladies.. is it all about looks after all? I never hesitated to reply to a woman who started conversation, regardless of her physical features. You never know who you can meet...

 

Ok got a little ahead of myself, it was supposed to be a short start! Just wanted to sparkle a brainstorm and exchange the view on the subject..

[kodakgirl]

A bunch of bitter men are probably going to reply to this with YES, it's ALL about looks! and height! and income!, so I'm going to hurry and give my input as a woman first.

 

No, it's not all about looks. Do looks matter? Of course they do. How much they do depends on the individual person. For me it isn't so much about 'looks' as it is his 'look'--does he look like the kind of person I'd like? That's something ineffable, but generally corresponds to smiles and humour and a certain glint in the eyes. Most guys who are objectively really good-looking don't fit. A guy who is objectively average looking can blow me away if he has the look I love. Online is bad for this, though, since so much depends on if the guy actually has pictures that reflect him-- if you haven't, this is something to work on. Don't have bad pictures, and don't have pictures (or at least a lead picture) that is very good but doesn't really look like you. Have friends or family point out which pictures look the most like you.

 

As far as getting responses from people who appeal to you--online is really tough. In real life before approaching you generally get some kind of feedback from the other person, a look or a smile or something that hints you've caught their eye too and might like being approached. Online it's just a random guess. You might find the profile of someone who fits exactly what you want... but her being what you want is no guarantee you will be what she wants. You say you are more picky about who you message and consider their profile at length-- well, the women you write do are doing the same with YOUR profile. Obviously there's things that make you think "ooo, this one!" or "nah, not this one"-- same with her. It sucks that the way of communicating online is just not replying if not interested, but that's how it is. I get non-replies too, even from nice messages, even though I appeal to a lot of other men. You can be very picky online, and in fact that can be a useful thing. Plenty of men have written to me who seem decent and interesting, but if they aren't what I want, they aren't. I hope they do find the girl who feels they are. But if something doesn't click for me from the outset, why waste our time and emotional energy? Yes, sometimes a person can surprise you... but online just isn't really set up to enable that.

 

I think you really can't invest too much in online dating. It can work out very well, but it might take a long time to get to that point, or it might not. You have to feel okay with that or it's only going to end up frustrating and depressing you.

[Legatus]

Thanks kodakgirl for your input.

 

I guess I was a bit naive and expected too much from online sites. After all you are perfectly right, a simple smile or two may give at least a hint of interest, where online you only know if you don't get a reply.

 

It's always two way street, I realise that. Unfortunately I believe in people too much and I expect something (which proves to be too much in some cases hah!)

 

It does frustrate me, but only if someone says they do not care about looks and are interested in meaningful conversation etc. but then you make an effort and it turns out it's big pile of b..... a bit hypocritical, don't you think?

[organizedchaos]

A bunch of bitter men are probably going to reply to this with YES, it's ALL about looks! and height! and income!, so I'm going to hurry and give my input as a woman first.

 

No, it's not all about looks. Do looks matter? Of course they do. How much they do depends on the individual person. For me it isn't so much about 'looks' as it is his 'look'--does he look like the kind of person I'd like? That's something ineffable, but generally corresponds to smiles and humour and a certain glint in the eyes. Most guys who are objectively really good-looking don't fit. A guy who is objectively average looking can blow me away if he has the look I love. Online is bad for this, though, since so much depends on if the guy actually has pictures that reflect him-- if you haven't, this is something to work on. Don't have bad pictures, and don't have pictures (or at least a lead picture) that is very good but doesn't really look like you. Have friends or family point out which pictures look the most like you.

 

As far as getting responses from people who appeal to you--online is really tough. In real life before approaching you generally get some kind of feedback from the other person, a look or a smile or something that hints you've caught their eye too and might like being approached. Online it's just a random guess. You might find the profile of someone who fits exactly what you want... but her being what you want is no guarantee you will be what she wants. You say you are more picky about who you message and consider their profile at length-- well, the women you write do are doing the same with YOUR profile. Obviously there's things that make you think "ooo, this one!" or "nah, not this one"-- same with her. It sucks that the way of communicating online is just not replying if not interested, but that's how it is. I get non-replies too, even from nice messages, even though I appeal to a lot of other men. You can be very picky online, and in fact that can be a useful thing. Plenty of men have written to me who seem decent and interesting, but if they aren't what I want, they aren't. I hope they do find the girl who feels they are. But if something doesn't click for me from the outset, why waste our time and emotional energy? Yes, sometimes a person can surprise you... but online just isn't really set up to enable that.

 

I think you really can't invest too much in online dating. It can work out very well, but it might take a long time to get to that point, or it might not. You have to feel okay with that or it's only going to end up frustrating and depressing you.

 

Regarding the bolded part, yep, that's right. In real life, you can judge whether there's interest in you approaching and if it will be welcomed.

 

And this is where I think Tinder separates itself from the rest. You only get to communicate with someone you "like" if they also "like" you (by both swiping to the right). So when you get a match, you know you've already caught their attention. So it breaks the ice. No cold calling like typical OLD sites.

 

But yes, Tinder is based primarily off looks and has a reputation as a hook up app. But there are opportunities for something more than just hook ups as I am finding out.

[Targetlock]

very well put KodakGirl, especially about the 'look' part, that is what i try and aim for, a certain ineffable special quality that makes me want to look further, usually I'm a sucker for a really nice genuine smile!

[kart180]

Well put kodakgirl, I always look at the women for their general qualities, are they nice, caring, intelligent etc. Looks not really in the front of my mind. Mostly think what the heck am I going to talk to her about and if she likes me.

 

I am now done with all dating. My mom was right maybe dating is not my cup of tea.

[kodakgirl]

Thanks kodakgirl for your input.

 

I guess I was a bit naive and expected too much from online sites. After all you are perfectly right, a simple smile or two may give at least a hint of interest, where online you only know if you don't get a reply.

 

It's always two way street, I realise that. Unfortunately I believe in people too much and I expect something (which proves to be too much in some cases hah!)

 

It does frustrate me, but only if someone says they do not care about looks and are interested in meaningful conversation etc. but then you make an effort and it turns out it's big pile of b..... a bit hypocritical, don't you think?

 

I definitely understand. I am a very nice, polite, and friendly person and even though I'm sort of on the other side of it, I do often feel uncomfortable with the way social interactions works on online dating sites. I feel really guilty not to respond, especially to nice, thoughtful messages. In real life, even if I'm not romantically interested I am generally up for an interesting conversation with someone. But online I'm not there for that-- even if I wanted to I don't have the time and energy to devote to lots of online conversations without the addition of romantic interest. It's too bad, but I don't. I feel uncomfortable saying 'not interested' or similar, because I don't really want that said to me. But I honestly do appreciate the thoughtful messages-- maybe I will make more of an effort to tell their senders that, even if I'm not going to (can't, really) continue the conversation.

 

As for people who flat out say they don't care about looks and want meaningful conversation, but don't engage-- that sounds very frustrating, and I can see how it could seem/be hypocritical, but at the same time, I don't neccessarily feel they're guaranteeing anything (it might depend on the way it's said or context--men never say it, haha, so I can't say I've seen it in the wild). Even if a dating site had no pictures, I guarantee I'd find some profiles more appealing than others. I'm sure you would too. A woman might not care much about the looks of the men she wants "meaningful conversation" with, but she will care about other things. She is still trying to determine if she wants meaningful conversation with this particular man. I personally think it's a bad idea to say it like that because, obviously, it can give a wrong impression, but I don't know if it's quite hypocritical.

 

As I said before, online dating can be difficult, I know it. Keep your chin up and best of luck to you!

[Legatus]

Chin is always up : )

 

I guess I expected too much, but your explanation makes perfect sense. That's the downside of online dating... you may be crossed out of the list even before you open your mouth. But that's the way it is..

 

Think it's time to move my bottom more to the real world!

[irc333]

I used to be like you, I would actually pick out profiles of women that I thought were compatible with ME. Take the time to type out a well thought out email, address their hobbies, beliefs and interests in a badic introductory email

 

Only to never get response or a "Thanks but no thanks" email.

 

It was kind of shocking considering the amount of things that made us compatible, but all they have to do is SCAN their eyes over the stats such as "Height, income level, profession, and of course " go 'Nope...he must be 6 feet tall to ride this ride! Next!"

 

Or, "Hm, he's a school teacher, not a lawyer...next!" or "he's bald...next!"

 

These ladies are thumbing through these emails in a rather BRIEF fashion, too. Kind of like when you send out a resume among 1,000s of other resumes, they actually have MACHINES that do the scanning though. lol

 

 

 

I have been on one of the dating sites for a while. I have been speaking to one woman for few months but because of our busy lives we don't really talk on a daily basis.

 

I have decided to send few more messages and barely got any responses.

 

I wonder, is it really just about looks? I did not message women that were attractive only - I actually read their profile three times before deciding whether to send something or not. I never send one-liners, always try to ask questions about the interests and passions they have.

 

Honestly I do try to make an effort as I believe it's much more interesting than just "hi, how you're doing" or anything that relates to looks.

 

I found one profile that I could not believe existed. She liked old-fashioned ways, music from 80s and partying every Friday wasn't her thing. So I messaged her saying how I understand her fondness of the past and asked some questions about her interests.

 

Sometimes it is a bit frustrating.. you read all those profiles and women wanting to get to know somebody with more interests than just going to gym or spending weekends at clubs..

 

It's not that I'm desperate. I know my value, I am happy on my own at the moment and got pretty interesting life right now which I build by myself. However having somebody to chat or occasionally hang with, go to the theatre or something is an activity I would very much enjoy. Ladies.. is it all about looks after all? I never hesitated to reply to a woman who started conversation, regardless of her physical features. You never know who you can meet...

 

Ok got a little ahead of myself, it was supposed to be a short start! Just wanted to sparkle a brainstorm and exchange the view on the subject..

[Teraskas]

When it comes to OLD, I always tend to judge women on personality first, looks second.

Personality can at times be hard when they have nothing about themselves in their personal description.

In those cases I'm more or less FORCED to judge on looks first.

When I do receive a message from a woman (the rare occasions when that happens), I'll always reply regardless of her physical appearance.

[PegNosePete]

Personality can at times be hard when they have nothing about themselves in their personal description.

On the contrary. If a woman chooses to write nothing or very little, that tells me everything I need to know about her personality. NEXT.

 

As for the original topic... yes and no. It is about looks. If they don't like the way you look then you won't get a reply. But it's not only about looks. If they like the way you look but don't like your profile then you won't get a reply. So you need good photos AND a good profile. Good photos of an average looking person will get a hell of a lot better results than bad photos of a good looking person.

[Tayken]

I guess the bitter women have spoken eh? Isn't it funny that when you are talking to these women, they feel guarded about their stories but want to know stuff about you?

 

Oh...the income, they want to know if you are going to be a suitable provider i.e. what is mine is mine and what is yours is ours. Any woman that says the pics don't mean anything to her and that it's the content of the profile that counts...is a bloody liar

[Disillusioned]

When it comes to OLD, I always tend to judge women on personality first, looks second.

 

^That.^

 

I'd choose an average-looking smart woman over a gorgeous dimwit faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

[Tayken]

^That.^

 

I'd choose an average-looking smart woman over a gorgeous dimwit faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

 

 

Actually for me moving forward after been round the block once, am cognizant of the lessons learned, and have my lists of must haves in this particular order:

 

- Friendship to start off

- Mutual respect

- Honesty

- Sincerity

- Caring

- Team work / good partnership

- Support and encouraging each other

- Love

 

 

Once you have all the good foundation in place, everything else just falls in. Looks are a bonus as they will eventually fade away...what happens when looks are gone and there is no other substance...get divorced and back on OLD sites?

[KathyM]

I think most people screen based on photos first, and if your photos pass the sniff test, they check your profile. If there are no red flags in the profile, they may be willing to contact you or respond to your contact, but I would say the first screening process is the photos, from what I have read and been told by others.

[carhill]

Is it all about looks when it comes to online dating?

 

Looks get the interview. 'All about'? Not in my experience.

[Tayken]

I think most people screen based on photos first, and if your photos pass the sniff test, they check your profile. If there are no red flags in the profile, they may be willing to contact you or respond to your contact, but I would say the first screening process is the photos, from what I have read and been told by others.

 

So not from what you do then?

[KathyM]

So not from what you do then?

I am not in the market for a mate, so I don't OLD, but I do know many people who do it, and that has been their pattern. If I was doing OLD and was contacted by a man, I would first look at his photo, because let's face it, if I'm not attracted to the guy I wouldn't be interested in a relationship. Then I would check his profile to see if he is compatible as far as other factors. If both things (photo and profile) check out, I would consider meeting up with the man. I think that's pretty typical of people who do OLD.

[Tayken]

I am not in the market for a mate, so I don't OLD, but I do know many people who do it, and that has been their pattern. If I was doing OLD and was contacted by a man, I would first look at his photo, because let's face it, if I'm not attracted to the guy I wouldn't be interested in a relationship. Then I would check his profile to see if he is compatible as far as other factors. If both things (photo and profile) check out, I would consider meeting up with the man. I think that's pretty typical of people who do OLD.

 

 

It's just what you said prior....."I have read and have been told", which suggest that you've never done OLD, and just going by hearsay

[regine_phalange]

Times have changed. It's not like back in the day where women wrote letters back and forth with a guy from some music magazine, exchanging tapes, dreams, stories, without sending any photos for a year or so.

 

In these times of instant gratification, and with the endless possibilities on the palm of our hand, one should not be shocked if online dating was accompanied by superhuman standards. Where the hell is the human side of it all? Even that has become a competitive sport. That's why I refuse to ever participate in such websites. I don't like the idea behind it.

[KathyM]

It's just what you said prior....."I have read and have been told", which suggest that you've never done OLD, and just going by hearsay

Well, both of my sisters have done OLD and met their husbands that way. My niece also met her SO of four years from OLD. Several friends also do OLD, as do my clients, so between their cumulative experiences with OLD, and what I've read on the subject, which is quite a bit, I think I know a thing or two about how people approach OLD, and how I would approach it, but if you want to disqualify my opinion on the subject, feel free to do so. *wink*

 

 

Am I allowed to just give my opinion based on the topic from heresay, or do you need peer reviewed studies on the subject for me to post?

[Tayken]

Well, both of my sisters have done OLD and met their husbands that way. My niece also met her SO of four years from OLD. Several friends also do OLD, as do my clients, so between their cumulative experiences with OLD, and what I've read on the subject, which is quite a bit, I think I know a thing or two about how people approach OLD, and how I would approach it, but if you want to disqualify my opinion on the subject, feel free to do so. *wink*

 

 

Am I allowed to just give my opinion based on the topic from heresay, or do you need peer reviewed studies on the subject for me to post?

 

Kathy....I was only pulling your leg darling (am I allowed to call you that?) If not I'll edit my post and take it back.....it's not patronizing in anyway, it's a figure of speech back in Limey country where I come from

[Tayken]

Times have changed. It's not like back in the day where women wrote letters back and forth with a guy from some music magazine, exchanging tapes, dreams, stories, without sending any photos for a year or so.

 

In these times of instant gratification, and with the endless possibilities on the palm of our hand, one should not be shocked if online dating was accompanied by superhuman standards. Where the hell is the human side of it all? Even that has become a competitive sport. That's why I refuse to ever participate in such websites. I don't like the idea behind it.

 

Ah...the good old days eh...nothing more sexy than receiving a well written pen pal note from that special person....opening the envelope and sniffing their scent, and putting it under your pillow whilst having some sweet dreams

 

OK...Wake Tayken, you are day dreaming again

[regine_phalange]

Ah...the good old days eh...nothing more sexy than receiving a well written pen pal note from that special person....opening the envelope and sniffing their scent, and putting it under your pillow whilst having some sweet dreams

 

OK...Wake Tayken, you are day dreaming again

 

:-( I'm also daydreaming about all this excitiment, opening a letter from my crush, looking at his boyish messy letters. Now we e mail once a year for our birthdays. *sigh*. How things change sometimes. Maybe I'm a mazochist, but I loved those old days when people were something precious and undinpensable, you had to earn your cds, movies and video games. I'm off topic, therefore I stop now.

[JourneyLady]

If I get a message, first thing I do is look to see if he is "reasonably" attractive. (You'd be surprised what I'm attracted to sometimes!). Because I know by now that even if someone is just average or a little below, the chemistry can still be good and sex is bonding enough that I would be fully into my partner (assuming he's into me - which hasn't been the case a couple of times).

 

Second - DISTANCE! I don't want to start a close relationship with someone more than 30 minutes away, unless they are willing to move. You'd be surprised how many messages I get from guys an hour or two away. But I'm looking for a solid relationship and I can't really have that with someone that far away unless we were living in each other's home much of the time. Which is not ideal at all in the beginning.

 

3. Does he appear to respect women or does his profile have "no drama" or complaints written all over it. Does he seem to think people are generally good or not. (I passed over a guy who in conversation let it slip that he thinks most people or even most women are bad at heart. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone negative. BIG red flag.)

 

4. Does he have hobbies I can join in on? Nascar? nah... Fishing? sure Gardening? definite yes. Anything creative in art or writing is a big huge plus. I don't mind doing things I'm not into as long as there are other things we can share and/or he returns the favor. Fair's fair.

 

5. Job? As long as he's not struggling and unlikely to ask me for help, it's fine unless he's working as something iffy or risky. There are women who can take the stress of that - I'm not one of them. If he's retired but living decently, that's even better.

 

6. If there's little in the profile to go on, I'd still be willing to meet, but I'm skeptical of the results.

 

And it bugs me when they ask you if you want to go out and then never set anything up. I'm not likely to give such a person a second chance after waiting a couple weeks.