Bad luck and trust

[Mia]

Hi everyone,

 

Well, here's my problem....

 

I've only ever had 2 proper, committed relationships. I know, not a lot, that's for sure, but that's not what's concerning me here.

 

Here goes....

 

I have developed big-time trust issues with guys. I'll fill you in on why....

 

My first boyfriend turned out to be an emotionally abusive alcoholic who in the long run, never gave me a reason to trust him because he basically didn't know how to be honest. He upset me many, many times, I left him, and it was a good year before I became involved with my second boyfriend...

 

My second boyfriend was everything I could have wanted in another human being - honest, loyal, smart, funny, good looking etc. We were like 2 peas in a pod and had a wonderful relationship. He knew I'd been hurt in the past and told me to not be afraid, because he wouldn't hurt me. He used to tell me when we first met to "get my guard down", "i'm not your ex-boyfriend". He loved me a great deal, and loved who I am as a person. Anyway, I really believed this was someone I could trust. We both earned each others trust, and it was really great....then out of the blue (3 months ago), when everything was seemingly great, he left me (funny that, he was always afraid I would leave him. Used to get quite insecure). He is now seeing someone else.

 

Now, don't get me wrong - I don't trust too easily, yet I don't refuse to trust someone. I just believe that trust is something that has to be earnt in a relationship. Trust, for me, is the foundation of a relationship - without it, everything just crumbles. It feels fantastic to trust another person. Yet it feels like utter s*** to have that trust abused.

 

I guess you could say my confidence has taken a slide downhill. I feel the reason for this is because my first boyfriend used to make me feel like every other girl out there was better than me. Then my second boyfriend jumps into a relationship so soon after leaving me.

 

I asked my best friend (who is notorious for sometimes being brutally honest), to honestly let me know if she believes I may be doing something wrong in relationships. She said not at all. Any guy would be damn lucky to have me, I've just had bad luck. My male friends can't understand how I end up with guys who just write me off. When I am in a relationship, I am so happy to be myself - no false pretenses, I never try to be someone I'm not - I'm just me. I am constantly being told how pretty I am by people, how funny I am, and how much fun I am to be around. I am loyal, honest, sincere, intelligent, very attractive, not possessive in the slightest.....yet why do I always draw the short straw?

 

I'm 24 and I just don't like feeling like this. I really feel that any guy would be lucky to have me, yet somehow, I'm not enough. I can't help but feel that I will be the oh-so-lucky-chick who always seems to find a guy who wants more. This is really frustrating for me, especially when my male friends thought that my ex was "a friggin idiot" for leaving me..."what the hell was he thinking etc"...(a couple of them have said it to me, and a couple of female friends have passed on their thoughts).

 

I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I don't want to become a cynic, but I can't help wondering if all guys are like this. I'm starting to feel really insecure, even though I know I shouldn't. Any male advice, or just basically any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you so much

[Tony T]

So are you saying the only way this guy could have kept your trust is to have stayed with you for the rest of your life. Relationships really don't work that way. One thing you have to do is trust someone to get out of your life when they no longer feel they can give you what you want. You have to trust a guy in a very major way to break up with you rather than see someone behind your back. That's just as much a part of trust as being there for you.

 

In your first relationship, it was your trust in YOUR OWN GOOD JUDGEMENT that let you down. The guy was a drunken, abusive bum and by your own admission in your post never gave you a reason to trust him. So it was you who let yourself down by trusting in your own fallible, human judgement.

 

Trust is selective and has time constraints. We trust people to do certain things, to be certain ways, for the duration of their obligation. Nobody in a dating situation is obligated to be there forever. Trusting is as much trusting yourself to let go of someone you love when they ask to be released as it is to trust someone to honor you and be loyal to you within the timeframe of the relationship.

 

Even when we get married, our trust has to be conditional. We trust that person to remain married with us until something happens, some issue comes up that cannot be worked out, emotions fizzle out, or whatever...the evidence of that is in the fact that in America more than half of marriages are terminated in divorce. Yes, we trust those we love to keep their committment to us...but at the same time we have to trust our own good judgement and intellect to know that the future is impossible to see and most humans these days are incapable of knowing what their feelings will be long term.

 

The only thing I see you doing wrong in relationships is getting too tied up with this forever thing. Dating is fun and a committed relationship is sort of to see if things can really work out in a permanent relationship. If one or the other feels they can't, that in no way diminishes the trust each had for the other up to that point. And trust can survive the relationship. Hey, your second boyfriend did you a real favor. He could have seen someone behind your back...now that would have been a betrayal of trust.

 

Lighten up and don't place such rigid expectations on these poor dudes you're seeing. One day you'll meet the right guy and he'll stick around. The trust will be different, more long term, more concrete. But the trust for any person will always be conditioned upon their rightful exercise of free will...the right to change their mind...and to let you know of that decision in a loving, trusting way.

 

Frankly, I have to have a lot more trust in a strange pilot who takes me up 35,000 feet in an airliner and flies me across this country than I do for some lady I'm going to go out with two of three times a week. But once the plane lands, I could care less what the pilot does...as long as he gets me there alive.

 

We could discuss the nature of trust back and forth forever probably. But I just hope you will consider that the trust we talk about in relationships is trust we are placing in human beings...human beings that can make mistakes, change their minds, get sick and die, whatever. Trust is not just some rigid thing that has got to remain intact forever. Most things in life don't last very long unless they are pliant, able to bend with the circumstances.

 

Hang in there, the best is yet to come.

[Mia]

Thanks for your response Tony. I must say I agree with what you said in your post.

 

I think I've reached a point in my life now where, for God knows what reason, I'm scared that I will always meet guys who want someone better looking etc, or just leave me for shallow reasons. It's just a big blow to self-confidence when you know you've done nothing wrong, yet you get shat on. I'm not looking towards "forever" though. I've never had that "rest of our lives together" fantasy. I live in the moment pretty much and tend to take each day as it comes because for all I know, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. It's just so hard when there was no visible lead up to my ex leaving me. Not a single damn sign. But then again, love is blind, and maybe I just missed it altogether.

 

I'm more than happy to be on my own right now. I think I need to learn to not be so afraid. I've been let down by people in the past (family, friends) and I still haven't got used to it. I don't dwell on it, but I dread the thought of "what if I go through something like that again". Some would say you gain strength from it, but after a while, it really does become a bit much.

 

Oh well, I'll get there oneday

So are you saying the only way this guy could have kept your trust is to have stayed with you for the rest of your life. Relationships really don't work that way. One thing you have to do is trust someone to get out of your life when they no longer feel they can give you what you want. You have to trust a guy in a very major way to break up with you rather than see someone behind your back. That's just as much a part of trust as being there for you. In your first relationship, it was your trust in YOUR OWN GOOD JUDGEMENT that let you down. The guy was a drunken, abusive bum and by your own admission in your post never gave you a reason to trust him. So it was you who let yourself down by trusting in your own fallible, human judgement.

 

Trust is selective and has time constraints. We trust people to do certain things, to be certain ways, for the duration of their obligation. Nobody in a dating situation is obligated to be there forever. Trusting is as much trusting yourself to let go of someone you love when they ask to be released as it is to trust someone to honor you and be loyal to you within the timeframe of the relationship. Even when we get married, our trust has to be conditional. We trust that person to remain married with us until something happens, some issue comes up that cannot be worked out, emotions fizzle out, or whatever...the evidence of that is in the fact that in America more than half of marriages are terminated in divorce. Yes, we trust those we love to keep their committment to us...but at the same time we have to trust our own good judgement and intellect to know that the future is impossible to see and most humans these days are incapable of knowing what their feelings will be long term. The only thing I see you doing wrong in relationships is getting too tied up with this forever thing. Dating is fun and a committed relationship is sort of to see if things can really work out in a permanent relationship. If one or the other feels they can't, that in no way diminishes the trust each had for the other up to that point. And trust can survive the relationship. Hey, your second boyfriend did you a real favor. He could have seen someone behind your back...now that would have been a betrayal of trust. Lighten up and don't place such rigid expectations on these poor dudes you're seeing. One day you'll meet the right guy and he'll stick around. The trust will be different, more long term, more concrete. But the trust for any person will always be conditioned upon their rightful exercise of free will...the right to change their mind...and to let you know of that decision in a loving, trusting way. Frankly, I have to have a lot more trust in a strange pilot who takes me up 35,000 feet in an airliner and flies me across this country than I do for some lady I'm going to go out with two of three times a week. But once the plane lands, I could care less what the pilot does...as long as he gets me there alive. We could discuss the nature of trust back and forth forever probably. But I just hope you will consider that the trust we talk about in relationships is trust we are placing in human beings...human beings that can make mistakes, change their minds, get sick and die, whatever. Trust is not just some rigid thing that has got to remain intact forever. Most things in life don't last very long unless they are pliant, able to bend with the circumstances. Hang in there, the best is yet to come.

[Jane]

You are correct in regards to trust, it does have to be earnt. I have always been of the impression that too much disclosure is innappropriate in the early stages of a relationship. In fact it is not advised in many of the relationship type books. You are together!!!! Good on you!!!

 

The focus on "not being afraid" was his projection. His issue. The fact that he said "he wouldn't hurt you" is a giveaway, like he was trying to reassure himself. He needs to grow up - you are likely to be better off without him even though you feel like s*it right now.

 

He telling you to "get my guard down" is also his problem - plus noone has the right to force another into disclosure when they are not ready.

 

Did he declare his love early on in the r/ship? This is also a bit of a warning sign.

 

You deserve better.

 

Trust me - this will prepare you for the future - disclosure issues - seems like you knew what was the best already - clever - always go with your own feelings. I read 90% of gut feeling is correct.

 

You tried and went against your own beliefs - this is fine - you learnt - now you know to go with your OWN feelings.

 

Out of the blue finishing - this seems to be so common. I am looking into astrological theories of these snap decisions which often end up being the the wrong ones. Of course there are many theories around I just happen to like astro at present.

 

"he was always afraid I would leave him" - ditto!

 

Read up on projection, it is such an eye opener.

 

"confidence has taken a slide downhill" watch you will be back up in no time. Focus on YOU!!!

 

PLEASE TAKE NOTE:

 

~NOBODY HAS THE POWER TO MAKE YOU FEEL ANYTHING~

 

Unless you allow it.

 

You are the only one that can make you feel stuff.

 

Try altering your perception here.

 

This is in regards to your comment "because my first boyfriend used to make me feel like every other girl out there was better".

 

What a loser - his issue - please don't take this on board.

 

Empower yourself - you have insight and I can see the potential in you just by your post, I agree with your friend.

 

I wouldn't call it bad luck - it just happened and that is how you grow and learn - if we did not make any errors - life would be exceedingly boring.

 

That is why these challenges get thrown at us - to build inner strength.

 

It is a fact of life that there will be URK moments in our life and they are impossible to avoid, later on you will see it all more clearly.

 

I say it makes one appreciate the good bits more.

 

Do not take on anyones view of how you are or should be.

 

Allow them to have the point of view - but you are the final decision maker on judgements like these.

 

Anyone elses opinion on who you are, is just that - an opinion - (most likely projection too).

 

"My male friends can't understand how I end up with guys who just write me off".

 

This is probably old family dynamics have agood think about it.

 

The mind is like a magnet, continue to dwell on what you want and you will achieve it. Try it - it works.

 

You will have a great relationship soon because you are full of insigh, spirit and have learnt so much thanks to these experiences.

 

You say "When I am in a relationship, I am so happy to be myself - no false pretenses, I never try to be someone I'm not - I'm just me". THIS IS SOOOOO HEALTHY.

 

You don't need others to tell you "constantly being told how pretty I am by people, how funny I am, and how much fun I am to be around. I am loyal, honest, sincere, intelligent, very attractive.... etc.

 

YOU KNOW YOUR TRUE WORTH ALREADY! JUST ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT - AND YOU WILL GET IT. Not over the top though! Modesty is good.

 

You are not an Aquarian by any chance?

 

"I'm 24 and I just don't like feeling like this".

 

It is VERY upsetting however you will survive it. I am projecting here as I have just had a similar experience.

 

"I really feel that any guy would be lucky to have me, yet somehow, I'm not enough" A bit of a contradiction - work on those thought patterns.... Get rid of the second bit - go on. Keep the first - yes - but not too conceited (projecting I am again).

 

"I can't help but feel that I will be the oh-so-lucky-chick who always seems to find a guy who wants more.

 

***** If this is what you believe then it will happen*****.

 

It is wonderful you have supportive friends. I learnt the hard way here. Never neglect good friends - they are so valuable.

 

"I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I don't want to become a cynic, but I can't help wondering.... etc"

 

**Me too but stop here **** What you fear will come back to you even MORE****

 

The best of luck to you.

 

You will get through it.

 

I have made a remarkable improvement in the last week.

 

All I did was take advice and focus on me - instead of why? how? what if? etc.

 

It was hard initially but I managed to make myself believe I would NOT REPLAY OLD BEHAVIOURS, so I just carried on, put out for help and guidance and INCREDIBLY THE WHOLE WORLD DID NOT STOP FOR ME like it used to when a disagreement occured, I used to ruminate obsessively and all sorts. Pathetic almost.

 

Take Care

[unnamed]

You know, you are so right - trust is earned in a relationship, and it is the foundation of one also.

 

Trust is a major problem in my current relationship. Previously, I was involved in another relationship where my trust for women hit the floor (among everything else it seemed).

 

You sound like a wonderful woman, obviously with flaws, but someone who would be a rather awesome partner. To get on with it, trust is a normal issue. Some people cannot bring themselves to trust others. Looking at your issue, I doubt he left you because of your trust problem. Most people are indeed willing to work through that.

 

Seems to me either your (good) ex is having his own problems, or he simply lost interest in you. You might be that near-perfect woman you claim to be, but in the end, you might not suit him. So don't fret over this.

 

Oh, and since I think I got way off topic in this one (I'm truly sorry), I will just touch on one thing.

 

Not all men are like this.

 

I do believe everyone knows this. In addition to that, there is no such thing as luck, I think. These past relationships are possibly, and most likely, preparing you for a lifelong relationship with a man whom you will fall head-over-heels in love with.

 

These types of things are mere obstacles. You either choose to leap, or you stay behind, never knowing what is on the other side.

 

Again, sorry for the misguided advice.

[Mia]

Thank you to everyone who responded to me. I feel I have gained so much insight from your responses.

 

You guys are right - there is no such thing as luck. And if there was, I think we would have a huge hand in creating our own luck.

 

I certainly don't think I'm near perfect though - I know I have many good qualities, but I am also just as human as the next person, which means I have my flaws. Heck, flaws can be as interesting as reedeeming qualities....

 

Perhaps I should focus on my good qualities more, and not look at, "maybe it was a flaw of mine that caused this to end"....it just ended, and it probably is preparing me for something better. Accept the fact that I have flaws, we all have flaws, and if someone can't accept my flaws, bugger them. Personally, I take someone warts and all, but if they're not going to do the same with me....

 

Once again, thank you so much guys. Your advice is invaluable and I really appreciate the logical advice given by you all. You've really opened my eyes. I'm going to head now, and print these posts and re-read them....

 

Mia

You know, you are so right - trust is earned in a relationship, and it is the foundation of one also. Trust is a major problem in my current relationship. Previously, I was involved in another relationship where my trust for women hit the floor (among everything else it seemed). You sound like a wonderful woman, obviously with flaws, but someone who would be a rather awesome partner. To get on with it, trust is a normal issue. Some people cannot bring themselves to trust others. Looking at your issue, I doubt he left you because of your trust problem. Most people are indeed willing to work through that.

 

Seems to me either your (good) ex is having his own problems, or he simply lost interest in you. You might be that near-perfect woman you claim to be, but in the end, you might not suit him. So don't fret over this. Oh, and since I think I got way off topic in this one (I'm truly sorry), I will just touch on one thing. Not all men are like this. I do believe everyone knows this. In addition to that, there is no such thing as luck, I think. These past relationships are possibly, and most likely, preparing you for a lifelong relationship with a man whom you will fall head-over-heels in love with. These types of things are mere obstacles. You either choose to leap, or you stay behind, never knowing what is on the other side. Again, sorry for the misguided advice.

[Mia]

Thanks for your really positive insight! I know that I should focus on achieving on what I want out of life, and not what I've had.

 

I know from my post it doesn't sound like it, but I am a very modest person. Everything I wrote in it about myself is what I have been told by friends and family. Where I put "any guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend", I meant that because I am a very loyal and honest person. I don't get involved with someone unless I feel that it is totally the right thing to do. I guess I should have a bit more faith in myself - listen to what my friends and family say and believe they are saying it because it's the truth, not because they are trying to make me feel better.

 

Once again, thank you. Your words were a great help to me

You are correct in regards to trust, it does have to be earnt. I have always been of the impression that too much disclosure is innappropriate in the early stages of a relationship. In fact it is not advised in many of the relationship type books. You are together!!!! Good on you!!! The focus on "not being afraid" was his projection. His issue. The fact that he said "he wouldn't hurt you" is a giveaway, like he was trying to reassure himself. He needs to grow up - you are likely to be better off without him even though you feel like s*it right now.

 

He telling you to "get my guard down" is also his problem - plus noone has the right to force another into disclosure when they are not ready. Did he declare his love early on in the r/ship? This is also a bit of a warning sign. You deserve better. Trust me - this will prepare you for the future - disclosure issues - seems like you knew what was the best already - clever - always go with your own feelings. I read 90% of gut feeling is correct. You tried and went against your own beliefs - this is fine - you learnt - now you know to go with your OWN feelings. Out of the blue finishing - this seems to be so common. I am looking into astrological theories of these snap decisions which often end up being the the wrong ones. Of course there are many theories around I just happen to like astro at present.

 

"he was always afraid I would leave him" - ditto! Read up on projection, it is such an eye opener. "confidence has taken a slide downhill" watch you will be back up in no time. Focus on YOU!!! PLEASE TAKE NOTE: ~NOBODY HAS THE POWER TO MAKE YOU FEEL ANYTHING~

 

Unless you allow it. You are the only one that can make you feel stuff. Try altering your perception here. This is in regards to your comment "because my first boyfriend used to make me feel like every other girl out there was better". What a loser - his issue - please don't take this on board. Empower yourself - you have insight and I can see the potential in you just by your post, I agree with your friend. I wouldn't call it bad luck - it just happened and that is how you grow and learn - if we did not make any errors - life would be exceedingly boring. That is why these challenges get thrown at us - to build inner strength. It is a fact of life that there will be URK moments in our life and they are impossible to avoid, later on you will see it all more clearly.

 

I say it makes one appreciate the good bits more. Do not take on anyones view of how you are or should be. Allow them to have the point of view - but you are the final decision maker on judgements like these. Anyone elses opinion on who you are, is just that - an opinion - (most likely projection too).

 

"My male friends can't understand how I end up with guys who just write me off".

 

This is probably old family dynamics have agood think about it. The mind is like a magnet, continue to dwell on what you want and you will achieve it. Try it - it works. You will have a great relationship soon because you are full of insigh, spirit and have learnt so much thanks to these experiences. You say "When I am in a relationship, I am so happy to be myself - no false pretenses, I never try to be someone I'm not - I'm just me". THIS IS SOOOOO HEALTHY. You don't need others to tell you "constantly being told how pretty I am by people, how funny I am, and how much fun I am to be around. I am loyal, honest, sincere, intelligent, very attractive.... etc. YOU KNOW YOUR TRUE WORTH ALREADY! JUST ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT - AND YOU WILL GET IT. Not over the top though! Modesty is good. You are not an Aquarian by any chance? "I'm 24 and I just don't like feeling like this". It is VERY upsetting however you will survive it. I am projecting here as I have just had a similar experience. "I really feel that any guy would be lucky to have me, yet somehow, I'm not enough" A bit of a contradiction - work on those thought patterns.... Get rid of the second bit - go on. Keep the first - yes - but not too conceited (projecting I am again). "I can't help but feel that I will be the oh-so-lucky-chick who always seems to find a guy who wants more. ***** If this is what you believe then it will happen*****. It is wonderful you have supportive friends. I learnt the hard way here. Never neglect good friends - they are so valuable. "I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I don't want to become a cynic, but I can't help wondering.... etc" **Me too but stop here **** What you fear will come back to you even MORE**** The best of luck to you. You will get through it. I have made a remarkable improvement in the last week. All I did was take advice and focus on me - instead of why? how? what if? etc. It was hard initially but I managed to make myself believe I would NOT REPLAY OLD BEHAVIOURS, so I just carried on, put out for help and guidance and INCREDIBLY THE WHOLE WORLD DID NOT STOP FOR ME like it used to when a disagreement occured, I used to ruminate obsessively and all sorts. Pathetic almost. Take Care