I was replaced by the grandkid

[daisy123]

I saw a thread earlier and it rang a bell with me. i was in a long term love affair and had a d day. But I am still seeing MM briefly our relationship has actually become more difficult emotionally for him because of the fact that his elder daughter brings the grandchild every day. I am sure the reason being the eldest daughter is trying to keep their marriage together.

He is three and now is very interesting and has a great relationship with him. I met him years before he was born.

Now I know that even though we are not going to be together, he is staying because of that commitment. He said that his daughter would actually stop him from seeing the grandkid whom he loves. He has four daughters and always wanted a boy. His relationship with that child is more important to him than anything. I can understand that it is more important than me for sure. I would not want him to lose that. But what if BS knew that was his real reason for staying? He has always told me how he feels and they have no intimacy, but he got his bit of happiness back through that grandchild. He is simply staying at home for that reason. Not sure I woud want that and not sure I want to see him anymore. His BS is just ignoring everything and concentrating on the family. Good luck to her. He will regret it later when he realises his relationship is pinned together just through other people. He now realises that he had an affair with me for that reason. He said he will never forget me..... he won't.

Edited February 13, 2014 by daisy123

[BurnedAndLost]

I saw a thread earlier and it rang a bell with me. i was in a long term love affair and had a d day. But I am still seeing MM briefly our relationship has actually become more difficult emotionally for him because of the fact that his elder daughter brings the grandchild every day. I am sure the reason being the eldest daughter is trying to keep their marriage together.

He is three and now is very interesting and has a great relationship with him. I met him years before he was born.

Now I know that even though we are not going to be together, he is staying because of that commitment. He said that his daughter would actually stop him from seeing the grandkid whom he loves. He has four daughters and always wanted a boy. His relationship with that child is more important to him than anything. I can understand that it is more important than me for sure. I would not want him to lose that. But what if BS knew that was his real reason for staying? He has always told me how he feels and they have no intimacy, but he got his bit of happiness back through that grandchild. He is simply staying at home for that reason. Not sure I woud want that and not sure I want to see him anymore. His BS is just ignoring everything and concentrating on the family. Good luck to her. He will regret it later when he realises his relationship is pinned together just through other people. He now realises that he had an affair with me for that reason. He said he will never forget me..... he won't.

 

Cut off contact with him and date someone who is available. Why he stays with wife is none of your business, nor does it really matter.

[road]

I saw a thread earlier and it rang a bell with me. i was in a long term love affair and had a d day. But I am still seeing MM briefly our relationship has actually become more difficult emotionally for him because of the fact that his elder daughter brings the grandchild every day. I am sure the reason being the eldest daughter is trying to keep their marriage together.

He is three and now is very interesting and has a great relationship with him. I met him years before he was born.

Now I know that even though we are not going to be together, he is staying because of that commitment. He said that his daughter would actually stop him from seeing the grandkid whom he loves. He has four daughters and always wanted a boy. His relationship with that child is more important to him than anything. I can understand that it is more important than me for sure. I would not want him to lose that. But what if BS knew that was his real reason for staying? He has always told me how he feels and they have no intimacy, but he got his bit of happiness back through that grandchild. He is simply staying at home for that reason. Not sure I woud want that and not sure I want to see him anymore. His BS is just ignoring everything and concentrating on the family. Good luck to her. He will regret it later when he realises his relationship is pinned together just through other people. He now realises that he had an affair with me for that reason. He said he will never forget me..... he won't.

 

 

 

 

 

WH's lie. They lie to their wife, kids, family, and you. You know he is a liar and a cheat and you believe him still.

 

 

ROTFALMAO

[whichwayisup]

He is where he wants to be and I'm sorry that you're hurting because of it. Seems all along he's made up excuses as to why he can't leave. The thing is, his excuses and reasons as to why he is staying are valid to him, even if you don't think they are.

 

If you want kids of your own, a family and a husband to yourself, walk away from him. Staying and putting up with what he can offer you isn't going to make you happy long term.

[daisy123]

We have had a very intimate close relationship for many years, I know when he is lying. But believe what you want.

 

It still hurts that he is concentrating solely on his grandkid. I have seen him together with him and he makes him happy and that is wonderful. His daughter is a tough cookie and I know she would not forgive him. So no, it is not a lie. It is not something he has said outright, but it is the truth of it. Certainly not staying for his marriage. What marriage is there when he has loved me for years?

 

Bss nasty view not welcome, any other women out there??? Hello (echo)

[SunshineToday]

daisy if you are so sure he loves you and won't forget you, why are you so quick to dismiss what everyone is saying?

 

You are in a relationship with a person who lies. He could even lie to you. He could leave his marriage and be with you, if that is what he wanted.

 

Apparently he is okay with staying married and using his grandchild (not even his child, a grandchild!) as his excuse. If you don't see the writing on the wall, nothing any of us say will matter.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I don't see a happy end for you if you try to stay in this affair.

[woinlove]

We have had a very intimate close relationship for many years, I know when he is lying. But believe what you want.

 

It still hurts that he is concentrating solely on his grandkid. I have seen him together with him and he makes him happy and that is wonderful. His daughter is a tough cookie and I know she would not forgive him. So no, it is not a lie. It is not something he has said outright, but it is the truth of it. Certainly not staying for his marriage. What marriage is there when he has loved me for years?

 

Bss nasty view not welcome, any other women out there??? Hello (echo)

 

I haven't heard this particular reason for staying married before, but with four daughters, he is likely to have other grandchildren in the future and this could very well take up the rest of his life - if he is really lucky and not too old, he could even go on to have great-grandchildren and continue to stay.

 

So, he's got what he wants, a grandchild who makes him happy and a marriage that in his mind secures his relationship with his grandchild. And he also has you too, maybe not as much as before, but a bit of you.

 

The question is what do you want? What is the equivalent of his grandchild who makes him happy and who his life choices revolve around? Is that the small piece of MM you have? Is that enough for you? Or something else?

[LilGirlandOW]

I am the OW on the other side of the A.

 

MM will give any excuse to keep status quo, I could understand his daughters fury if he leaves his W of probably 20ish + years for you, but never in my life heard of someone so unreasonable to make their child grow up without their bio-grandparent because of a D. He's deflecting his reasons for weaning contact with you, my guess is he realizes whats really important to him now with the new baby. The cheap thrill of lust can never overpower a mans sense of family roots. Men are creatures of routine and familiarity, thats their roots, how they find comfort in life. Imho sex and romance just arnt that important to them... they'd rather have the solid roots than the blossomed flower if made to choose.

 

I've thought alot about all this lately.

[Snipercatt]

Daisy, gently, what difference does it make if he stays for the grandchild; or he stays for the marriage?

 

Many times we convince ourselves that the affair is tolerable because he loves us, not his wife. Or he loves us best, or he has sex with his wife, but makes love to us, and on and on. The reality is, it doesn't matter why he stays. He stays.

 

Practically, you can't know whether a person lies to you, or not. Even a person that we have know for many years and with whom we are in an intimate relationship with. Claiming to absolutely know means you are in denial. If you are in denial about something that is common knowledge, then what else are you compromising in order to remain in this relationship?

 

There are many reasons people remain in their marriages that don't necessarily involve being in love, any longer. You think that you know the real reason he stays, but you may not know ALL the real reasons he stays. Would his wife want him if she knew? Who knows? More importantly, you know, and you stay. What's up with that?

[FoolishOW]

Hard to imagine a young Mom would end her young sons relationship with his grandfather, and the benefits of it, due to her own issues or anger... assuming that were the case, but it does sound like this scenario is just another excuse to add to the reasoning behind MM's desire not to make the changes you may be hoping for. I do understand how easy it can be to want to justify the "Why's", because the alternative is to have to admit that the desire to be with the OW (you, or any OW) doesn't represent enough of a catalyst for change in and of themselves. In a perfect world we would understand this early on and save ourselves a great deal of hurt and wasted time.

[rumbleseat]

What has he done that would make her want to deny her son a relationship with his grandfather?

 

It would seem that there is a whole lot more going on than you know.

 

think of it this way. His W lives with him, sees him everyday, goes to bed with him, sleeps with him, has sex with him, they have long talks, etc. She thinks he loves her, yet she doesn't know " the truth".

 

you see him during little snippets of time when he can get away from home. What makes you think you know "the truth" any more than she does?

 

He may well never forget you, but so what? In the grand scheme of your life, what is that doing for you besides mentally tying you to a man who has hurt you? He has shown you his priorities, and you are not one of them. he has hurt you, and if he goes to his grave with hurt and regret, so be it. Let that be the price he pays for having hurt so many. Don't let it be yours.

[Snipercatt]

He now realises that he had an affair with me for that reason.

 

Really?

 

And you are okay being in R with someone so fickle?

[experiencethedevine]

I saw a thread earlier and it rang a bell with me. i was in a long term love affair and had a d day. But I am still seeing MM briefly our relationship has actually become more difficult emotionally for him because of the fact that his elder daughter brings the grandchild every day. I am sure the reason being the eldest daughter is trying to keep their marriage together.

He is three and now is very interesting and has a great relationship with him. I met him years before he was born.

Now I know that even though we are not going to be together, he is staying because of that commitment. He said that his daughter would actually stop him from seeing the grandkid whom he loves. He has four daughters and always wanted a boy. His relationship with that child is more important to him than anything. I can understand that it is more important than me for sure. I would not want him to lose that. But what if BS knew that was his real reason for staying? He has always told me how he feels and they have no intimacy, but he got his bit of happiness back through that grandchild. He is simply staying at home for that reason. Not sure I woud want that and not sure I want to see him anymore. His BS is just ignoring everything and concentrating on the family. Good luck to her. He will regret it later when he realises his relationship is pinned together just through other people. He now realises that he had an affair with me for that reason. He said he will never forget me..... he won't.

 

 

 

 

Inner rage and bitterness is palpable in the tone of the post.

 

 

NOBODY could be above/replace/compare, with the love this man has for his grandchild.

 

 

Attempting to compete with children in this situation is simply emotional desperation I'm afraid.

 

 

Find a suitable therapist and give yourself the gift of emotional freedom from all the bile in your gut.

 

 

You have no real knowledge of his familial circumstances unless you know his wife, children and grandchild personally, and as has been stated here on more than a handful of occasions, a married man will lie his way into your knickers with absolutely no conscience at all.

[peaksandvalleys]

We have had a very intimate close relationship for many years, I know when he is lying. But believe what you want.

 

It still hurts that he is concentrating solely on his grandkid. I have seen him together with him and he makes him happy and that is wonderful. His daughter is a tough cookie and I know she would not forgive him. So no, it is not a lie. It is not something he has said outright, but it is the truth of it. Certainly not staying for his marriage. What marriage is there when he has loved me for years?

 

Bss nasty view not welcome, any other women out there??? Hello (echo)

 

 

Do you understand why she would want to remove her child from his influence? I don't have grandchildren yet but I feel as if my children will make sure their father is never around any of their children also. I also understand why.

[whichwayisup]

We have had a very intimate close relationship for many years, I know when he is lying. But believe what you want.

 

It still hurts that he is concentrating solely on his grandkid. I have seen him together with him and he makes him happy and that is wonderful. His daughter is a tough cookie and I know she would not forgive him. So no, it is not a lie. It is not something he has said outright, but it is the truth of it. Certainly not staying for his marriage. What marriage is there when he has loved me for years?

 

Bss nasty view not welcome, any other women out there??? Hello (echo)

You're choosing to believe a man who has been lying to his wife for years and getting away with having an A for long time. He is good at lying so do you really believe he's never lied or omitted truths from you?

 

Why does it bother you and hurt so much that he is focusing a lot on his grandchild?

 

He can love you a lot and love his life/wife/marriage and still not want to leave. One cannot live just on love - Family and friends are part of the mix, the benefits of marriage and assuming he's close to retirement age, it's doubtful he is going to give up everything and start over. He likes having two women fulfill his needs.

 

What can you do that will change your view on this? So you won't hurt as much when he is spending time with family and his grandchild?

[glow worm]

How are you sure that the daughter would keep the grandchild away from him if he left his wife? Has she said something to that end? That's a pretty extreme thing to do.

 

Personally, I was talking to my sister the other day, and our parents marriage has deteriorated to such a loveless point that she told me she actually wants them to separate and divorce, and I agree. I think they would both end up happier, and my sisters and I are all adults, we can handle it. And my sister certainly would never keep the grandkids from either one of my parents if they divorced.

[whichwayisup]

There's a difference between a couple divorcing because their marriage is over, even the rest of the family members would be aware of problems if there were on the verge of divorcing... I'd doubt very much if they divorced because martial issues, his daughter would deny him access to his grandchild. But, in this situation it seems the A is the reason if there is going to be D, the OW IS the reason why he'd divorce, so of course his daughter would be hurt and feel lied to, even betrayed by her dad. She would protect her child and not want her dad's AP around her baby.

[daisy123]

I am the OW on the other side of the A.

 

MM will give any excuse to keep status quo, I could understand his daughters fury if he leaves his W of probably 20ish + years for you, but never in my life heard of someone so unreasonable to make their child grow up without their bio-grandparent because of a D. He's deflecting his reasons for weaning contact with you, my guess is he realizes whats really important to him now with the new baby. The cheap thrill of lust can never overpower a mans sense of family roots. Men are creatures of routine and familiarity, thats their roots, how they find comfort in life. Imho sex and romance just arnt that important to them... they'd rather have the solid roots than the blossomed flower if made to choose.

 

I've thought alot about all this lately.

 

It is a different culture here. families are more important than say USA or England.

 

so yes, it is possible she would do that.

 

I know her she is a hardcase. She was brought up like a boy as he always wanted a boy, and now he has one.

 

I am shocked that you referred to a 6 year love affair as a bit of cheap lust. I guess yours was short. That sounds a bit sour coming from an ow especially.

[daisy123]

Cut off contact with him and date someone who is available. Why he stays with wife is none of your business, nor does it really matter.

It might not matter to you, but then you are not me

[krazikat]

It might not matter to you, but then you are not me

 

But like the poster said, his relationship with his wife and his family is really none of your business. I think that if you come to terms with that fact, then you might be able to look at your affair more objectively.

 

Single ow (some, @ least) make the mistake of making the affair and mm their world. Everything becomes about the mm. They assume mm is thinking of them in that same way. Well, in many cases, he is not. He already has a wife. A family. A whole life outside of the affair. Not all affairs are this way of course, but there are many this way. If a mm has an ow who will continue to be the ow indefinitely then bonus for him! Just because an Affair last years doesn't mean much other then mm and ow both arm okay living a lie.

 

I really am not trying to be harsh, but I do hate seeing people hurt themselves in this way, like running into a brick wall at full speed when you had plenty of time to stop and avoid the collision. I hope that you are able to love yourself more and heal and find your happiness.

[gettingstronger]

At the end of the day, he can not be the person he wants to be and be with you openly- that probably won't change so you need to- you should not settle for being so far back on his priorities no matter what the reason-he does not love you enough to take his lumps and openly be with you-take care of you and find someone that is willing to sacrifice for you-

[scatterd]

I remember when my children was born. I brought them around their Grandparents constantly. My Children do that also for us. A Child can bring much joy and bring family's closer. Who would want to be with a man that did not care for their off spring anyway. Concentrate on healing and taking care of your self. Someday when you have Grandchildren you will understand. I love mine with all my of heart and soul. They can make any day better. No one could ever compete with them nor should they. Sorry you are hurting see it for what it is.

I hope you will find happiness.

[No Limit]

I am shocked that you referred to a 6 year love affair as a bit of cheap lust.

 

It is cheap lust. You and your MM aren't going anywhere, he won't leave and his BS doesn't care about him at all anymore. But he also doesn't mind him staying it seems, so you're having the shorter end.

You've been blinded by all this, as love does so often, which I'm sorry for. But if you are seeking a happy end and growing old with a man, you shouldn't have fallen for a married one at all.

[cozycottagelg]

Do you understand why she would want to remove her child from his influence? I don't have grandchildren yet but I feel as if my children will make sure their father is never around any of their children also. I also understand why.

 

I guess I don't understand this way of thinking. Obviously betraying your spouse is a big deal..probably the biggest deal in many marriages, but I can't imagine just cutting someone out of my life or my kids lives on that fact alone.

[AlwaysGrowing]

A child, a grandchild should have a rightful place in a persons life. They should not have to compete or apply for that position. It should be an honour to be a grand/parent. We should not surround ourselves with people who are envious or jealous of our relationship/duty/time with our child/grandchild.

 

If you feel that you were replaced by a grandchild, maybe you do not understand that relationship. It is theirs, never was yours, should never be yours. You can never give/have that type of relationship as it is unique to the grandparent/child relationship. There is NO substitution.

 

Maybe, it is not as simple as "being replaced" (as you can't anyways), but something else.