He slept with someone else whilst we were living apart on a break, do I forgive him?

[Boppy]

My partner & I have been having problems for ages. We have been best friends, since university, for 10 years & have been together for 3 years. One day I smashed the window & he said he would live at his mum's for a while. During arguments like this, I have smashed things & basically physically abused him. Slapping, scratching & once ripping his shirt off him before he has to be at work.I have kicked him and made him cry. All the time we have been living together I have been dealing with depression. No excuse, just fact. He has been my rock, sat down with me on countless occasions to write 'productivity schedules' & tried to ween me off marijuana. But I never bothered, I haven't wanted to face the fact of having a mental health issue. I just find faults in him to point out, to blame for our horrid bad relationship habits. I have known he wouldn't leave me. After the window, He said he couldn't bare living me & needed some time apart to think. He phoned me daily to see what I was up to,saying we will take it slowly & spend time together before he moved back in. I ended up splitting up with him, out of insecurity.He sent me emotional msgs, begging me not to give up on us. I told him we were over. I felt so out of control and outraged at his rejection. I know very immature & self centred. After a day or so I msged him to talk, he agreed to meet up, but he cheated instead a night over the weekend we were meant to meet. I He confessed a few days later & says he did it out of spite & to 'make his move'. He said he was angry with me and in his mind we were over. He now says he is devastated by what he has done, regretted it straight away and 'knows he loves me'. We have so much work to do and I feel betrayed. I don't know what to do. He is amazing, I love him.

[central]

You were split up - you dumped him. He had every right to hook up. Given that you have anger and abuse issues, you should let him go, deal with your issues, IMO. It sounds like he's got issues too, but he didn't cheat on you.

[CrystalCastles]

You are so selfish.

 

The only person who should be asking for forgiveness is you, not him.

[moving2fast]

I really hope that you get your anger managed before you resume any relationship. I hope that your former bf also gets some assistance in dealing with things so that he doesn't ever think that anyone laying her hands on him is acceptable ever. The relationship as you know was abusive and should not pick up where you guys left off without some outside help.

I do not know if you two will be good together, but I can say you haven't been. I really think you need to focus on getting yourself better. You could seriously injure someone ( yourself included ) or wind up in big trouble with the law if you don't get this anger in check.

I don't think you should be focusing on your ex's behavior. Do not even dwell on the fact that he slept with someone else to get back at you or whatever. Focus on yourself. You aren't in a position to deal with that drama.

[Cakess]

Maybe this is an opportunity for the both of you. The relationship was dangerous, abusive, and above all, illegal. You could get into a lot of trouble for doing those things, and I can't understand why you'd hit the person you love. That being said, you should end it for you. You don't deserve him and he loves you too much to leave you.

[mrs rubble]

Hi boppy,

Firstly well done on finding the courage to admit to your appalling behaviour. The next step is fixing your tendancy to lash out, anger and depession tend to go hand in hand. I'd suggest finding a CBT to help deal with your behaviour and triggers.

I'd suggest backing off this man in a romantic sense and try to re-establish a firm friendship while you're healing and growing.

Marijuana is not really that addictive. I know this from personal experience, Just stop doing it, it's no good for depression. Get fresh air and exersise instead.

[Art_Critic]

I told him we were over.

What is there to forgive ? he didn't betray or cheat on you.

 

I think if you want to get back with him then it is a clean slate type of deal and you cannot hold it against him...

[Poppygoodwill]

oh, it's too bad that you feel betrayed by him. But you have lost perspective. I think you should be begging him to come back to you because of your behaviour. It sounds like you are used to being in control - if for no reason than you physically abuse him into submission. So what he did was take some control back. Who can blame him?

 

You were broken up. Sure you'd been talking about reconciling, but I think to focus on that technicality is to once again try to take control of the situation.

 

You were abusive to him, by your own admission.

 

He got fed up and walked away.

 

You want him back.

 

You have to prove to him you're worth returning to. That he won't be treated the same way in future.

 

You have no moral high ground to stand on.

 

Get to work.

[Boppy]

It's been so helpful reading the responses on here. I have reflected quite a lot on these comments the last few days.

I'm fully ashamed of how I've behaved towards him. I have no idea why at all he stuck around. It was very important for me to be honest with this post, it has felt an important process to write it all down, see it in black and white and recoil in horror at the ugly person I really can be. I have let it escalate, it is so hard to say 'I'm an abuser'. Especially going through it during my early years as a child. *I have no excuses for it*

The initial shock of finding out about his actions, I think, lead me to worry about his now intentions.. Not an attempt to mask over the damage I have done to this relationship.

I started having psychodynamic therapy, I already feel I'm managing my emotions better. I really trust my therapist and it's unbelievably helpful to explore the 'highly adrenaline fuelled' anger that consumes me at times.

This is the bottom, I have trodden on my best friend, my best friend that's been there all through college and university, 6 months of travelling together ending with him confessing his feelings for me, I've thrown it all away!

Long road ahead,with lots of work to do.

Thanks everyone.

[Eivuwan]

It's been so helpful reading the responses on here. I have reflected quite a lot on these comments the last few days.

I'm fully ashamed of how I've behaved towards him. I have no idea why at all he stuck around. It was very important for me to be honest with this post, it has felt an important process to write it all down, see it in black and white and recoil in horror at the ugly person I really can be. I have let it escalate, it is so hard to say 'I'm an abuser'. Especially going through it during my early years as a child. *I have no excuses for it*

The initial shock of finding out about his actions, I think, lead me to worry about his now intentions.. Not an attempt to mask over the damage I have done to this relationship.

I started having psychodynamic therapy, I already feel I'm managing my emotions better. I really trust my therapist and it's unbelievably helpful to explore the 'highly adrenaline fuelled' anger that consumes me at times.

This is the bottom, I have trodden on my best friend, my best friend that's been there all through college and university, 6 months of travelling together ending with him confessing his feelings for me, I've thrown it all away!

Long road ahead,with lots of work to do.

Thanks everyone.

 

I am happy that you are receiving therapy for this and I'm glad it's been helpful. Good luck in the healing process.