Does an ex ever go away??

[Shocked Suzie]

Mine some how keeps rearing his ugly head in one form or another. How long does it really take for this to stop. I know I have always gotta hear and possibly see him because of the kids, but each time I start feeling 'let's go, me time' something else happens.

 

I've cut all contact with him... Had his gf message my friend via FB (I'd blocked her on mine) she wanted to ask some questions, seems she found a few things about him aren't adding up. My friend ended up talking to her on phone, his gf was in total shock to find that he was a married man, he'd told her he'd been separated from me and lived in an apartment for two years... He has lied about other stuff to her going into details about events he had missed...he also claims he pays his child support 'which he doesn't'.

 

I really don't care, but find myself feeling sorry for this woman I hated... Figured could be me in her shoes one day! She asked if she could have proof of photos of events like my 40th then, holidays and emails of time of separation. I sent her some stuff and asked her to leave me alone, Only to contact me if they ever separated and she was concerned about his mental health as he sees the kids (well only one of them atm)

 

How long does it take for things to settle, it's not like I'm rocking the boat ... Only ever wanted this crap done n dusted to be able to move forward as swiftly as possible.... My friends are saying karma, I suppose it is... But I don't really care what's going on in his life.

 

SS x

[trippi1432]

I think you are doing a great job on moving forward and have the right attitude, keep your boundaries with him and the gf so you don't get sucked into the drama and lies. My exH created a lot of drama in the aftermath of his own decision to end our marriage and take up with another woman, believe it or not....not only women can be drama Queens...men can be this way too. lol!!

 

I recall once in therapy, I was recanting all the drama with him and his AP, our son, my daughter, my job....etc and she stated, "You're a drama magnet!". I thought about it and realized, she was right. I had been allowing people to unload their drama on me for years. I just looked at my therapist and said, "I agree, now it's time to reverse the polarity of the drama magnet so I can get some peace".

 

I'm proud of you Suzie, you are doing just that even if you don't realize it. Does the ex ever go away? Yes, when these things that he does stop owning you...your feelings and your emotions. The blinders come off and you see him for what he is....and eventually you can breathe freely, feel more at peace with yourself and can move forward knowing that he just is who and what he is....that is his to deal with and to own.

 

I'd feel bad for that girl too and it's okay to feel compassion for her knowing what you have been through and how he is. Again, good for you to keep out of it though....all things play out for liars in the end.

 

You are doing great Hun...keep doing what you are doing.

 

Hugs!! xx

[Yasuandio]

Oh dear, he fibbed to the other woman. And those were pretty big fibbs. If I was her, I'd kick his fanny out of that nice big house. That goes to show, as "Oracle" states, "things are not always as they seem."

 

Do they ever go away? No, they don't. Even without children, there's always some reason to try to get under your skin. As what happened to me recently, with those unfound alligations from his attorney a few weeks. I had been doing NC just fine for 3-4 months, maybe more, lost track. I was a ghost, doing my business in a different town. Suddenly, he just couldn't take it, he had to yank my chain. The stress, drama, him coming to my door angry, holding back my check -- what happens? I end up in a manic episode, and make a mistake myself.

 

Your husband can actually start making you feel like you are going crazy without a disease. Ever shock and surprise stressor messes around with your brain chemistry. It seems everytime I start getting my act together, he does something: a drive by, having one of his thug friends surveille my house, etc. I believe it is truly going to take leaving the state to get away from him, and his chain yanking power.

 

The trick is not to let him yank your chain. The trouble is, he's the one that installed it. I'd be fine if stressors didn't alter the effects of my medical treatment. It is really my illness, I think that gets all whack-o when he rears his ugly head.

 

Susie -- you are in a much more difficult situation, with children. I can predict what is going to happen. If you stay cool and calm, he's going to want to come home (but for the wrong reasons). If the OW is on the phone doing PI work and just now learning he's a married man, your husband has seriously messed up with her. I hope you can have some compassion for the woman, because she didn't know. Can you imagine how she's feeling after, as I recall, she purchased him some high end gifts, and the home?

 

Or if he is on the mortgage of that home, it is marital property my dear. What confusion. What in the world did he put on the application forms, if he participated in the puchase? Really you do not know what is going on till you get an attorney and demand the deed and applications. Incorrect information on a home purchase application is fraud.

 

You can go on-line to the property tax in county to see who exactly owns the home. If he does - then you do too. And what a mess he has, and she has.

 

So get ready - he will be wanting back in - what will be your answer?

 

What he did too your little family was pretty cold and calculated.

 

And if your not letting him back, then you must have a plan for him to see kids where you can avoid seeing his face. A third party is ideal if you can pull it off. It is so much better the closer you can get to NC. Yas

 

PS thanks for the PM's!

[amaysngrace]

Some never let go. Mine told me he got me a present for Valentines Day but I'm thinking maybe I should put in on his wife's car since she's married to him and I'm not anymore....

 

He annoys me :/

[TheBladeRunner]

When you have kids they never go, all you can do is control what YOU can do. For me I never answer the phone when it's her, she can leave a message. Texts get answered when I feel like it. Remember: You control whether you talk to him or not and if you do talk with him and you don't like the conversation you can walk away or just hang up.

[trippi1432]

Some never let go. Mine told me he got me a present for Valentines Day but I'm thinking maybe I should put in on his wife's car since she's married to him and I'm not anymore....

 

He annoys me :/

 

You should do that!! Seriously!! What is it with ex-husband's who walk away, take up with and marry the other woman and then act like they still have some sort of romantic relationship with you. Two years after divorce and on my exH's one year anniversary, mine was texting me telling me how he saw me everywhere when they went to the beach we used to go to. I thought he was drunk so I just told him that I hoped they had a good vacation. Next morning, he is texting it to me again....sober. Total WTF moment.....but I admit, it did feel good. You just get to that point where it doesn't really matter about them anymore and that feels good too.

[Tayken]

Some never let go. Mine told me he got me a present for Valentines Day but I'm thinking maybe I should put in on his wife's car since she's married to him and I'm not anymore....

 

He annoys me :/

 

May be it's one of those "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" moments? Next time play him this down the phone

 

[amaysngrace]

You should do that!! Seriously!! What is it with ex-husband's who walk away, take up with and marry the other woman and then act like they still have some sort of romantic relationship with you. Two years after divorce and on my exH's one year anniversary, mine was texting me telling me how he saw me everywhere when they went to the beach we used to go to. I thought he was drunk so I just told him that I hoped they had a good vacation. Next morning, he is texting it to me again....sober. Total WTF moment.....but I admit, it did feel good. You just get to that point where it doesn't really matter about them anymore and that feels good too.

 

They got together after I left but that's beside the point. This guy even got me flowers on our anniversary after we were divorced for like six years or something. I didn't even realize what the date was....just thought it was Tuesday :/

 

I'd never let her know what he's been up to. Why? So she can be hurt? She really loves him which already makes me question her emotional stability.

[trippi1432]

They got together after I left but that's beside the point. This guy even got me flowers on our anniversary after we were divorced for like six years or something. I didn't even realize what the date was....just thought it was Tuesday :/

 

I'd never let her know what he's been up to. Why? So she can be hurt? She really loves him which already makes me question her emotional stability.

 

I think for me, I never said anything because I would be afraid he'd feel entitled to come back if she kicked him out. I had enough narcissism for 15 years, don't want to go through that again. Mine was a MW who chased a MM or vice versa, so I figure they deserve each other. Narcissist have to keep their narcissistic supply receptive to them.

 

I read back a bit on yours amaysngrace, very similar. I guess my question four years out is not does the ex ever go away (that gets easier with time to become indifferent), but how long does it take the emotional scars of an abusive relationship to heal? I feel like mine have gotten closer to healing some, but emotional trust has been a hard thing for me to try again.

[amaysngrace]

Narcissist have to keep their narcissistic supply receptive to them.

 

Boy trippi is that ever true!

 

I don't know what we supply them with but it must be something or else why do they keep bothering with us?

 

Do you have children with him? That makes it so much harder to get rid of them completely.

 

He still bothers me from time to time but mostly I just get angry with him for being a bad father to our kids. My kids think he's a scumbag. They are teenagers so they're definitely old enough to make their own judgments about him.

 

I think you should get into a relationship and become close to someone if you think they're worthy of you. For me I realize that I was pretty messed up in the head when I got with him which is why I was with him in the first place. But I've had counseling through the years and I'm a lot healthier now than I was then.

 

If you're in a healthy place in your head then I think you should be definitely open to taking a chance at love.

 

But be forewarned...when he becomes aware that you're involved with someone new he may become completely awful :/

[Shocked Suzie]

Trippi

 

when these things that he does stop owning you...your feelings and your emotions. The blinders come off and you see him for what he is....and eventually you can breathe freely, feel more at peace with yourself and can move forward knowing that he just is who and what he is....that is his to deal with and to own.

 

I'd feel bad for that girl too and it's okay to feel compassion for her knowing what you have been through and how he is. Again, good for you to keep out of it though....all things play out for liars in the end.

 

I think that since finding out he has lied so much and now the love nest is rocky i do feel more a peace. I know my part in the marriage breakdown and I know his...his totally out weigh mine lol. I also feel thank god its not my problem, that i can now pass it over to someone else, as long as he is behaving around my son (thank god) its only 5hrs per week then thats all i need to keep an eye on now.

 

I felt really sad when i had to email the GF what she had asked for, i didnt enjoy doing it. One of my friends said its not your problem if she chose to move a man into her house with her kids after knowing him 12 weeks n 72 days then she has to own it.

 

Thanks Trippi, your a star i alway appreciate your input xxx

[Shocked Suzie]

The trick is not to let him yank your chain. The trouble is, he's the one that installed it.

 

very true, this is why ive cut all contact, he cant even email me now. He arranges his own thing with my son and is ignoring my 16yo daughter, so i dont even have to deal with him there.

 

I can predict what is going to happen. If you stay cool and calm, he's going to want to come home (but for the wrong reasons)

 

I honestly dont think he would

 

1) He knows that when i said "im done and i want a divorce" he knows i had made up my mind and there was no going back, that was before all his crappy behavior too

 

2) He wouldn't want me to know he stuffed up or if they split, he would HATE the fact that the GF has contacted me

 

3) He would be a brave man to come to my door step lol

 

If the OW is on the phone doing PI work and just now learning he's a married man, your husband has seriously messed up with her. I hope you can have some compassion for the woman, because she didn't know. Can you imagine how she's feeling after, as I recall, she purchased him some high end gifts, and the home?

 

I do feel for her, I sadly have the gut feeling that he will talk his way around her though...that or she's trying her hardest to keep him happy while she tries to figure out what the heck shes gonna do

 

Or if he is on the mortgage of that home, it is marital property my dear. What confusion. What in the world did he put on the application forms, if he participated in the puchase? Really you do not know what is going on till you get an attorney and demand the deed and applications. Incorrect information on a home purchase application is fraud.

 

Ive just had the real est that sold both our houses on the phone, she said that the buyers have contacted her saying that they keep getting debt collectors to their home and someones been around the side of their house early hours of the morning...seems he's upset someone. So i think sadly that she has been a fool and just put him as a joint owners...i know she had a low mortgage on her previous place

 

You can go on-line to the property tax in county to see who exactly owns the home. If he does - then you do too. And what a mess he has, and she has.

 

done this already he is a joint owner

 

So get ready - he will be wanting back in - what will be your answer?

 

I would get into trouble if i wrote it lol....It would be NO. i'd be gobsmacked if he tried

 

Thanks Yas xxxx

 

SS X

Edited February 15, 2014 by Shocked Suzie

[Shocked Suzie]

Some never let go. Mine told me he got me a present for Valentines Day but I'm thinking maybe I should put in on his wife's car since she's married to him and I'm not anymore....

 

He annoys me :/

 

I'd do exactly that!

[Shocked Suzie]

When you have kids they never go, all you can do is control what YOU can do. For me I never answer the phone when it's her, she can leave a message. Texts get answered when I feel like it. Remember: You control whether you talk to him or not and if you do talk with him and you don't like the conversation you can walk away or just hang up.

 

 

Yep I seriously cant allow myself to talk to him as he twists everything and leaves me thinking I'm at fault, thats why I will always do zero contact....and anyway 'honestly' after what he has done to me, my kids and now her and her kids, who would want to be civil to him now hey

[Shocked Suzie]

They got together after I left but that's beside the point. This guy even got me flowers on our anniversary after we were divorced for like six years or something. I didn't even realize what the date was....just thought it was Tuesday :/

 

I'd never let her know what he's been up to. Why? So she can be hurt? She really loves him which already makes me question her emotional stability.

 

Oh my! just read this 6 years! wow that would be so annoying! and your right whats the point in hurting her

[Shocked Suzie]

I feel like mine have gotten closer to healing some, but emotional trust has been a hard thing for me to try again.

 

I'm with you on this one...although atm i'm happy it just being me for a change and not having to think about a fella for now

[Yasuandio]

From what you've learned thus far from real estate agent - I bet he's in big hot water. You are innocent spouse, so you should be fine. I'm not sure you're in US, but DO NOT file joint taxes with him. That would tie you to his activities, and/or lack of reporting such. Misrepresentation on application for a home purchase is called Fraud, even if he is just named on the deed, he had to do an application. And it is serious, federal crime - that can put him in prison.

 

I think you better get a attorney fast, if you haven't already. Document production needs to proceed like FAST. His wrongdoing could affect the rest of your financial lives. As there is a big question mark - what has really happened??? You need to know. Once you have filed then he can't touch you with his disregard of the law, and fraudulent use of marital funds. Better get on top of this Susie. Maybe you already are. I hope so. Yas

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks Yas, my lawyer knows all details and I will look into tax... I do my own tax, although we would have been tied together with the investment property for last years tax, I'll double check it all with my lawyer.

 

Thanks for your help

 

Xxx

[Yasuandio]

Thanks Yas, my lawyer knows all details and I will look into tax... I do my own tax, although we would have been tied together with the investment property for last years tax, I'll double check it all with my lawyer.

 

Thanks for your help

 

Xxx

 

Hon, you can still file Married but Filing Separate when you own joint properties. He can write off half the interest - and you can write off half the interest. We owned three homes, and his accountant only wrote off half the interest, that is how I know. They didn't like that for some reason, related to the business. Definitely ask - you want to distance yourself from him with the IRS, as you have no idea the truth of what he's done.

 

Yas

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks hun, will look into it xxx

 

Well he has managed to sweet talk the GF, after the stuff she's found out they are still together... He's very good! ... Silly girl

 

 

SS x

Edited February 16, 2014 by Shocked Suzie

[Yasuandio]

Thanks hun, will look into it xxx

 

Well he has managed to sweet talk the GF, after the stuff she's found out they are still together... He's very good! ... Silly girl

 

 

SS x

 

Thanks hun, will look into it xxx

 

Well he has managed to sweet talk the GF, after the stuff she's found out they are still together... He's very good! ... Silly girl

 

 

SS x

 

Give it time. Hasn't been that long. Keep beautifing Suzie! It's all about Susie now! Just know what you're gonna do when he's at the door. This guy of your's is heartless. A ruthless liar. I think it is criminal how he has left his family in a lower class dwelling to fend for themselves while he lives it up with this girl, of which he too, is taking advantage of. Narcissist on top of PA. And I bet he has a temper too. These are the kind of crimes that send you to hell. Make sure you have good security - I think this guy is going to get desparate - that is my gut instinct. Not today, not tomorrow, just like what happened to me - he'll catch you off guard.

 

Now that my meds kicked in, I have no doubt that was him at the door (I'm not doubting what my eyes saw). I know those clothes, his favorite sweater - I could see the fine stitching I know so well, and the unmistakable odd burnt orange color, v-neck, and wool slacks, with out of style cuffs, he had them for 15 years. He takes good care of his clothes - they are his prized possessions besides the vehicles. I just missed his little bald head and Bruno Magli shoes. I cannot see in front of my face, but I've got dead on distance vision, and can see a fly's wings on the wall. The first time at this front door in four years, definitely angry. Really wanted to get me off guard too - even parked down the street. It is kind of creepy - now 15 months post- divorce, and still wants to mess with me. Next time - I call cops, whether I'm sure or not, and get Restraing Order. No more of this nonsense. I have been seriously messed up for almost 2 weeks.

 

Its only the beginning, hon. I guess my point in emphasizing my recent story is to remind you that you may feel and think you are strong - but when faced by surprise by him, it is possible to revert back to a vulnerable place, even after years. But you will handle it better than me. We stick together on LS. Yas

Edited February 16, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Shocked Suzie]

Give it time. Hasn't been that long. Keep beautifing Suzie! It's all about Susie now! Just know what you're gonna do when he's at the door. This guy of your's is heartless. A ruthless liar. I think it is criminal how he has left his family in a lower class dwelling to fend for themselves while he lives it up with this girl, of which he too, is taking advantage of. Narcissist on top of PA. And I bet he has a temper too. These are the kind of crimes that send you to hell. Make sure you have good security - I think this guy is going to get desparate - that is my gut instinct. Not today, not tomorrow, just like what happened to me - he'll catch you off guard.

 

Nothing will surprise me when it comes to him, my house is secure that I live in...I'll never let my guard down when it comes to him... So thankful my kids are at the age they are.

 

Yes Yas no messing if that happens again! So unfair

 

Hugs xxxx

[Shocked Suzie]

Safe to say that yet again I've dropped my bundle again! Sometimes I think I had more strength and drive when all this crap first happened!

 

It also seems that it's ok to forge a signature on a legal document and it also seems that a person who legally bound to witness sign something can illegal sign something and also get away with doing the wrong thing too.

 

That and continuing not to financially support his children on top of all this, leaving everything for me to cope with is really getting me down.

 

I'm tired, I'm over it... I can't afford to pursue the legal stuff further. I just have to allow this to slide for my mental health

 

Can't stop stressing over things atm, sick of looking at the positives

Edited May 20, 2014 by Shocked Suzie

[Shocked Suzie]

Its only the beginning, hon. I guess my point in emphasizing my recent story is to remind you that you may feel and think you are strong - but when faced by surprise by him, it is possible to revert back to a vulnerable place, even after years. But you will handle it better than me. We stick together on LS. Yas

 

Yas I think your so right here! I suppose when the divorce finally goes through, I'll have some peace

 

X

[Yasuandio]

Yas I think your so right here! I suppose when the divorce finally goes through, I'll have some peace

 

X

 

Hon, you are going to be OK. PM me if you need to. I'm here for you. Yas