Losing my best friend of 20 years

[Schiff]

I am very sad that I have come to the conclusion that I am losing my best friend of 22 years. No, he is no dying, but we have grown very distant due to his girlfriend.

 

He met his girlfriend a few years ago and kept their relationship secret as she was only 15 at the time and he is quite a few years older. Once she turned 16 she started hanging out with us and immediately I sensed someting was wrong with her. For the first year or so I put it down to immaturity and the age gap, but now I am not convinced this is the case. The more I found out about ehr history the more concerned I became as I discovered she is from a very broken and troubled background. Her father ran away to another country, leaving her and her mother behind whe she was 12 years old. At 14 she was kicked out and homeless for a few days until her grandmother took her in. At 15 she slept with about 20 men/boys of varying age, one of them a friend of a friend which lead to her meeting my best friend. She asked each of these guys to be her boyfriend but all turned her down. My best friend was teh last one in the group and in his own words she pleaded and begged him to go out with her and him being the soft hearted guy said yes after 3 or 4 weeks of her pestering.

 

Moving on a couple of years she starts to become a regular member of our group of friends. None of us are particularly happy hanging out with someone much younger with us as we are at different stages in life. In the interest of keeping my best friend happy though we let her hang around. Throughout this time she makes a complete scene whenever we go out and after a few drinks assaults any other woman she thinks is flirting with my best friend. He makes constant excuses for her childish and often violent behaviour and the rest of us grow increasingly annoyed with her. After a while I discover she has started stalking him at work, sometimes sitting watching him work for as long as 12 hours waiting for him to finish and go home with her. I see this as a red flag and bring it up with him on an occassion when she's not around due to work and he and I get quite drunk at a bar. He admitted that she is paranoid about losing him to another woman and that she regularly threatens to hurt herself if he doesn't behave. i point out that it is not healthy for someone to act like that and he agrees but states that he could never leave her because he feels sorry for her as she has no friends and only her grandmother to talk to. From that discussion I got the assumption that he wasn't really in love with her but got some kind of satisfaction from being her "knight in shining armour". Also a sign of her manipulative nature that would later reveal itself in more detail.

 

About a year later me and the guys start seeing him less often. We get responses such as "I'm working tonight" and "Sorry, not feeling too good" etc on a more and more frequent basis. I eventually get sick of being turned down and decide to ask his sister what is up with him since I can't seem to get in touch much anymore. She bursts into a rant telling me all kinds of things. According to his sister his girlfriend has practically moved into their house (without any invitation) and now dictates what he can and can't do. She screens all of his calls and texts and has the password to his facebook account to monitor all messages, status updates etc. His sister goes on to tell me about huge arguments between my best friend and his parents after they discovered he owes thousands to the bank after buying her things all the time and that he rarely leaves the house anymore except to go to work.

 

Soon after, a good friend of ours commits suicide. Leading up to this though he was missing for a while and there was a search for him. The girlfriend spun loads of stories sending the police and family on a wild goose chase and milked the entire incident for attention. Even at the wake she made it all about her, despite her stories being proven to be full of holes by Police. I thought "This is it, he surely has to leave her after this". No. He gets even closer to her, he actually believes her lies. I discussed this with our friends when they weren't around and everyone agreed with me that she is mentally ill. My best friend can't seem to see it though and I start to see streams of facebook posts of those two posing together, his wall is chock full of posts by her.

 

After about 2 weeks of weighing up the situation I decide to confront her about her lies. I am very tactful about it, not directly accusing but probing her stories regarding my deceased friend, highlighting the stuff that did not add up. Needless to say she was on edge towards the end, and knew that she had entangled herself in her web of lies under the witness of everyone around the table.

 

The next day I log into facebook to find a stream of messages from my deceased friend's family. Apparently someone has told them that I had bullied their son into taking his own life. To be accused of such things made me sick to my stomach and had me very upset. I pleaded my case asking where they had heard such things but got nothing but abuse. I am not mad at them as I cna see they are upset, but I am 99.99% sure that this had been spun by her after confronting her the night before.

 

It has been 8 weeks now since I have seen my best friend. I see his sister fairly often and she talks to me about him, we're both very concerned. I know this has been a long read but I really need some help with dealing with this. From what I have written can anyone determine the best route to take with this? Any help would be appreciated.

[CC12]

You haven't seen him for 8 weeks? I think you're already on the best route. Just keep that going. He hasn't been a very good friend to you, and he likely won't be while he's in that relationship. So just drop him for now.

 

He's pretty much a lost cause for the time being. You could try to gently tell him your concerns if you haven't before, but don't expect him to make any changes. He's going to pick his girlfriend over you 90% of the time. More or less.

 

Also, I think you should be careful about viewing that girl as a manipulative, controlling stalker who is only with your friend because she pestered him enough or whatever. She was only 15 when your adult friend started dating her. I have trouble believing that a child who came from an unstable home is the one with all the power in that relationship.

 

Just wondering, when your friend brought the 15/16 year old around you guys, did anyone call him on it or ask what was up?

[SerCay]

The next day I log into facebook to find a stream of messages from my deceased friend's family. Apparently someone has told them that I had bullied their son into taking his own life. To be accused of such things made me sick to my stomach and had me very upset. I pleaded my case asking where they had heard such things but got nothing but abuse. I am not mad at them as I cna see they are upset, but I am 99.99% sure that this had been spun by her after confronting her the night before.

 

I find this both disturbing and concerning.

I understand they're sad and looking for a reason, but to turn against YOU in 1 night, after 1 person went and talked cr*p to them? I would cut them loose as well.

[Schiff]

You haven't seen him for 8 weeks? I think you're already on the best route. Just keep that going. He hasn't been a very good friend to you, and he likely won't be while he's in that relationship. So just drop him for now.

 

He's pretty much a lost cause for the time being. You could try to gently tell him your concerns if you haven't before, but don't expect him to make any changes. He's going to pick his girlfriend over you 90% of the time. More or less.

 

Also, I think you should be careful about viewing that girl as a manipulative, controlling stalker who is only with your friend because she pestered him enough or whatever. She was only 15 when your adult friend started dating her. I have trouble believing that a child who came from an unstable home is the one with all the power in that relationship.

 

Just wondering, when your friend brought the 15/16 year old around you guys, did anyone call him on it or ask what was up?

 

 

Yes, people called him up on the age difference. I know that his parents were certainly not pleased. People grew used to it though.

 

As for her not having all the power, well I suppose it is hard to get across in text, you'd have to see them in person to get the gist I think. She is definately the one wearing the pants, she orders him around like a servant and has no problem putting him down in public. I recall her last birthday when my friend bought her the wrong perfume and she spent the night doing nothing but calling him names infront of everyone whilst he jsut sat there pretty much silent and took it.

[Schiff]

I find this both disturbing and concerning.

I understand they're sad and looking for a reason, but to turn against YOU in 1 night, after 1 person went and talked cr*p to them? I would cut them loose as well.

I'm more disturbed by the idea smeone could spin such awful lies, put others through terrible trauma just to hurt someone else.

[SerCay]

I'm more disturbed by the idea smeone could spin such awful lies, put others through terrible trauma just to hurt someone else.

 

Of course, that's out of the question. It's beyond disturbing to be able to do such a thing.

 

Mine was just a side note

[Schiff]

I was kinda hoping to get some analysis of the girlfriend because i already know that approaching this sitiation the typical way is not working. If anyone with a history in psychology could chime in that would be very appreciated. Feel free to ask more questions about anything, I'll answer as best I can to try and give a clearer picture of things. As of right now his sister and parents are contemplating an intervention of sorts. If this goes down any advice or insight could be crucial.

[Schiff]

Of course, that's out of the question. It's beyond disturbing to be able to do such a thing.

 

Mine was just a side note

I hear what you are saying. Like I said though, i understand they are just hurting and not really in a rational mindset at all. i'm sure if I had lost a kid and someone told me it was due to bullying that I would be out for blood too. I just hope others can vouch for me and they learn the truth soon.

[darkmoon]

Losing my best friend of 20 years

 

 

 

" I decide to confront her"

 

hey, back off, she is not yours to go near, I would have been furious and would have told you to mind your own business, right or wrong she may be, but, look, nobody asked you to confront her, tactful confronting may be, but a confront is a confront, srsly, "probing" as you say, some would say mind your own biz, I would

 

 

fact is he must like her more than you, or she would have got side-lined not you, I see her pussy-power, it caused her to win, I bet you are now angry at me, but it is obvious who he likes more

Edited February 14, 2014 by darkmoon

[Schiff]

" I decide to confront her"

 

 

hey, back off, she is not yours to go near, I would have been furious and would have told you to mind your own business, right or wrong she may be, but, look, nobody asked you to confront her, tactful confronting may be, but a confront is a confront, srsly, an intent to interfere, probing, some would say mind your own biz, I would

 

 

fact is he must like her more than you, or she would have got side-lined not you, I see her pussy-power, it caused her to win, I bet you are now angry at me, but it is obvious who he likes more

 

It's wrong to confront someone who interfered in a Police investigation and intentionally sent them on a wild goose chase whilst at the same time giving the family false hope? She was lucky to avoid prosecution.

[darkmoon]

It's wrong to confront someone who interfered in a Police investigation and intentionally sent them on a wild goose chase whilst at the same time giving the family false hope? She was lucky to avoid prosecution.

 

 

so how come she avoided prosecution? what did she do to avoid it?

[Schiff]

so how come she avoided prosecution? what did she do to avoid it?

First time offence, got off with a Caution. Still claims she wasn't lying though.

[Radu]

That, and you live in England ... because of her age and gender, well ... you get the idea.

 

OP, i'm not a trained professional, and i doubt anyone is one here ... but this girl is seriously bad news, she most likely has a PD of some kind.

Talk to a therapist.

 

Your friend is pretty much gone, his way of viewing things, his reality has been replaced by her reality.

Whatever she says at this point, is true.

Says a lot about your friend's strength of character [he's weak].

 

Most likely, she will dump him at some point, after 10+ yrs together probably.

[Kizmet Fisher]

I was kinda hoping to get some analysis of the girlfriend because i already know that approaching this sitiation the typical way is not working. If anyone with a history in psychology could chime in that would be very appreciated. Feel free to ask more questions about anything, I'll answer as best I can to try and give a clearer picture of things. As of right now his sister and parents are contemplating an intervention of sorts. If this goes down any advice or insight could be crucial.

 

Since you're interested in a psych perspective, I'll chime in. Honestly though, I think Radu covers it pretty nicely. There is obviously something very wrong with this girl, and I really hope you don't listen to the posters who seem to be excusing her because of her age. Granted she is young, but she's well and truly demonstrated what goes far beyond the bounds of normal teen girl manipulation. She has proven that when she feels backed into a corner (like when you confronted her), there's not too many things she isn't willing to do.

 

So basically, my advice to you is to be careful. I think an intervention might backfire on you. This girl has him on a very short leash, and its going to take more than some words (however well intentioned) to get him away from her. Realistically what will probably happen if you go the intervention route is that he won't listen and will go home and tell his girlfriend, and you can bet she'll do her best to cut him off from everyone who was involved.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm not really sure what you can do at this point. He doesn't see her for what she is, or if he does he doesn't do anything about it because he's pretty weak. What it comes down to I believe, is that you can't really help someone unless they want to be helped. He doesn't.

[preraph]

The girl has a horrible background of neglect and he's what she found to hold onto for security. She has really bad abandonment issues, for obvious reasons due to her background. Of course, she is not healthy mentally and needs lots of therapy. I may have missed how old your male friend is, but sounds like he's way older than her and that she is a minor, or at least was. If I thought there was any chance of her getting help if he was reported, I'd advise reporting, but it sounds like the system has failed to help her so far, so no reason to think anything will change there.

 

She has learned to be a liar to get what she wants. She's just messed up and she probably cannot help it. Probably never had a decent role model in her whole life (not even him) and doesn't even really know right from wrong.

 

I think you're right to just bow out now that she's lied trying to put you in trouble. He has this mess to deal with and he's not open to suggestions, so you've done all you can do. The only thing you really can advise is he puts her in therapy and keeps her there for the long term, but it's no replacement for a decent upbringing. It will just make her understand her insecurities maybe.

[whichwayisup]

This girl is warped and your (ex) friend has been manipulated by her. You can't stop them, not even his own sister and parents can... He is not going to listen to anybody.

 

Honestly, their relationship sounds toxic, him at age 22 and she was a young teen when they hooked up - Right there, it's questionable. Not judging but I don't know that many 22 year olds who want to be involved with someone 14 or 15 year olds...

 

I hope you got to explain to your friend's family (the one who passed away ) your side of things. Sorry for your loss.

 

Until your friend figures out that this girl is unhealthy and learns some painful lessons, this is how it's going to be. He needs to wake up and rid of her, but it'll only happen when he sees wtf she's doing to him.

[Schiff]

Well I bumped into him alone at a bus stop today. it was wierd in that he didn't seem awkward at all, as if he wasn't aware of how long it's been since we, or anyone last saw him. We didn't talk long, his girlfriend called him to see where he was adn then his bus showed up. We've arranged a night out, hopefully he'll keep his word since it is for one of our friends birthday.

 

As for the upsetting messages and calls, they've stopped but i had to go on a mass blocking spree on facebook and I changed my phone number. hopefully that will be the end of it.