Ally-65 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I've posted on here myself about my current "relationship" with a seperated man but none the less he is still "officially" married. He was in the process of seperating when we started seeing each other (I am single). He and his wife have since split the joint assets and she was left with the house. He moved out to rented accomodation and there is nothing left to do until one or the other files for the divorce. He and I have been seeing each other for just over a year now (the separation was officially documented with the authorities in august last year). We still keep our relationship hidden (although my Family know about him, they have not yet met him and we do not go out in public together, yet). This is his choice, as he still sees himself as officially married. At first, I was like many of you, wanting more and not understanding the reason for secrecy, asking too many questions and generally pushing for results. This caused several "upsets" between my MM and myself. He told me that he could not give me what I wanted, when I wanted it and if I could not wait or understand and respect that, then it could not work between us. When i thought about it, and believe me I did alot... I knew that if I wanted to be with him then I had to give him the time he needed to deal with the marriage break up and divorce. After all, I knew the situation right at the start of the relationship. He has always been totally honest with me and admitted to still loving his wife but not being "In love" with her. He told me how much they were fighting and that they had not been happy together for the last 5 years. On leaving the marriage, he lost a home that he loved and that he had spent alot of time and money on and mutual friends that have not spoken to him since he left. He feels that he is left with nothing to show for the last 10 years of his life. They have no kids together. So it is not only the marriage that he is mourning. I dont really have a question here, I am just writing my situation down as a way of getting it out. I have changed my way of handling our relationship, and it has proved that the less pressure I put on, and the easier I make it for him to come to me, the more he does. The more comfort I give, the better I make him feel, the more time we spend together. I dont mind giving more than I take at the moment, because I understand what he is going through and long term I do want us to be in an official relationship. If he had been happy within his marriage, the relationship with me would not have started. That, I think, goes with any affair. There is something wrong with the marriage if one (or both) parties look elsewhere. We, as the OW or OM, must accept the situation for what it is and I think it is unfair to put the pressure on, when we knew the person was married in the first place. Sorry.... just a complete ramble from me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Do you believe that you'll wake up one day and the dynamics of your relationship will have changed? You're establishing those right now. Basically you've said that if you don't rock the boat, accept less than you'd ultimately want, then he allows you to coddle him and put him first. Also, why is he protecting a marriage that is already over? He's lost the house, he has no kids, friends have taken sides, what's left? It sounds like you really love him, but when someone tells you, "It's my way or the highway"' then they expect your life to revolve around them, I don't see a divorce changing that dynamic. Maybe it's time you made the ultimatums and place as much value on your company/love as you do on his? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I hear you talking a lot about what you do for him, how you make him happy...here's my question to you...what's he doing FOR YOU? Seems (and correct me if I'm wrong) you're sacrificing a lot of what you want and need for a man who is separated and really has no reason to hide you. You're not his mistress nor were you the OW, you're his girlfriend! This makes me really sad/angry for you...I would not be ok with this arrangement at all Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Since they've already split the assets I dont see the reason for secrecy unless he is hoping he and wife will get back together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I dont really have a question here, I am just writing my situation down as a way of getting it out. I have changed my way of handling our relationship, and it has proved that the less pressure I put on, and the easier I make it for him to come to me, the more he does. The more comfort I give, the better I make him feel, the more time we spend together. I dont mind giving more than I take at the moment, because I understand what he is going through and long term I do want us to be in an official relationship. If he had been happy within his marriage, the relationship with me would not have started. That, I think, goes with any affair. There is something wrong with the marriage if one (or both) parties look elsewhere. We, as the OW or OM, must accept the situation for what it is and I think it is unfair to put the pressure on, when we knew the person was married in the first place. Sorry.... just a complete ramble from me... It's a fallacy to assume the marriage was the problem in his past. His behavior- which is what matters the most- shows he is the problem. Not the previous/existing marriage. You should not have to turn yourself into a pretzel to "make" him happy. Happiness is a choice and his own responsibility. Well adjusted and healthy people know that external validation is not the source of true happiness. Look carefully at how he is treating you and hiding you. All is not as it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Ally, the tone of a relationship is set early on. That may be why many affair relationships don't last once the marriage is over. It isn't realistic to think that you can keep giving without receiving. It will wear you out. It is naive to think: If he had been happy within his marriage, the relationship with me would not have started. That, I think, goes with any affair. There is something wrong with the marriage if one (or both) parties look elsewhere. A marriage is by agreement between two people. One of those people may be grossly flawed thereby making the marriage difficult. It doesn't mean that both people were flawed. Your AP is showing signs of being extremely self-centered and that may be why the marriage became unhappy. It is realistic that he can't be deeply involved in a R while he goes through divorce. Frankly? If he isn't capable of being in a mutually reciprocal relationship then it is HE that shouldn't be in R. He shouldn't even have gone looking, now. Sure, he'll accept what you give, why wouldn't he? It provides comfort, etc. He's telling you that he considers you as having gone into this with your eyes wide open, thereby absolving him of any responsibility for your frustrations, and permitting himself to be less giving, without guilt. Guard your heart because he may use your support to springboard him into the land of dating, once he is free to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I have heard this book recommended and am thinking it would be perfect for you right now. How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man without Losing Your Mind Good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
kjohn Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Two things jump out at me immediately after reading your post. First, why is it taking so long for him to file/finalize his divorce? It's great that he is legally separated, that they have split the assets and that he has moved out to his own place….but what is the hold-up with filing for divorce? That is a HUGE red flag to me. Before we met, my BF had a year-long relationship with a woman who was "separated" and "in the process of getting divorced." Long story short, after a full year and many, many, many, stories, lies & excuses, that relationship ended with her still married. The other thing that jumps out at me comes from my own mistake. I met my current BF while my divorce was pending (it was about halfway through the process). I was not looking…not by a long shot! I met him by chance and only accepted his invitation to dinner at the urging of my friends who were saying "why not?" As it turns out, we hit if off immediately and are now over 3 years into a committed relationship…..but it hasn't been easy. There have been a lot of bumps in the road and many of them were either caused by or made worse by the fact that I did not take the time to heal from my divorce and become a whole person on my own before moving into another relationship. I say this because I think that you should be aware that you may simply be the comfort that he needs while he goes through something difficult and, after all of the effort that you are putting into this relationship, I would hate to see it turn into a "rebound thing" for him….or worse yet….have it turn out to be that you were just someone for him to be with during a tough time and then he winds up back with the wife. After all, it's been over a year and he hasn't even filed yet. He sure is taking his time breaking things off with her officially. Why? Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
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