Gut feeling that bf cheated. trying to work out his response

[California_Girl_87]

i posted in another thread the full story, if anyone wants to take the time to read it- be warned it is very long and rambling! I am just trying to keep this post quite short as i feel more people will read it respond.

 

My long term boyfriend went on a night out drinking and pretended to me that he was home in bed.. and i'm therefore not sure if he even came home as i did not hear from him until the next afternoon when he sounded really weird (we do not live together) i feel that he must have cheated that night, though the evidence is all circumstancial (all detailed in my other thread- if anyone wants to be bored to death reading that!) ...but i have a strong gut feeling in my heart that something happened that night. My feeling is also based on his reaction afterwards (i've known this guy years so i think i can read him like a book)

 

He was sketchy about the night out, wouldn't talk about it, would get mad if i asked about it, lost his temper etc. He has also tried to put them blame on me calling me 'paranoid' telling me that i 'nag' him when all along i am torturing myself and just want an answer. he didn't really try to reassure me either and had a very 'take it or leave it' attitude. he seemed very guilty after that night also.

 

bottom line- i can't be with a cheat and he is obviously not going to own up to me about anything as he simply refuses to discuss the night out so i may never know the truth.

 

so now i have to decide do i stay in this relationship with the doubt (been together 2.5 years), accept that i'll probably never know the full story and try to move on from it (even though it will probably always be in my head) or do I end the relationship because whether he cheated or not he told lies and made me feel like a fool.

 

What i would like you guys to do is guage his reactions below, everytime i asked him if something had happened that night he just got angry. now he has made me feel crazy, i don't know if i'm thinking like a rational person or not. this thread will make me seem insecure and possessive but he is the one who lied to me.

 

my main point is: i don't know if he is just angry at being accused and my lack of trust and me going on about it (but if you read the full story you'll understand why i accused him) or whether his anger is a sign of his guilt!

 

below were some of his reactions to me when i dared to ask about the night he went out, do these reactions seem like that of an innocent man?

 

please help:

 

"If you believe I cheated then I can't be with you anymore"

 

"I'm sick of hearing about this, i actually can't be with you anymore"

 

"If you're looking for some sort of closure, you're not going to get it from me, i've told you once nothing happened, you're never going to hear anything different"

 

"i can't take this anymore, you keep going on about it, you're actually mental''

 

''I need to clear my head, and think where this relationship is going, maybe it has just run its course with us''

''Maybe you and i would be happier elsewhere''

 

''If you can't get over it we can't be together''

 

 

also when i called him on the night in question (and could hear music in the background) he told me

 

"I'm in bed sleeping"

 

when i told him i could hear that he was out he simply said:

 

"i'm in bed sleeping, f**k off if you don't believe me"

 

he then told me i was imagining the music and the echo and actually did a good job of convinving me that i was mad and that he was at home in bed... until 2 weeks of lying he admitted he has been out and drunk.

 

 

...basically this guy has also expressed that he is happy to continue along in the relationship with me as long as i am prepared to 'put up and shut up' and forget the whole night ever happened and carry on as normal. but i can't, so i keep bringing it up in the hope of knowing the truth but he just gets mad and won't talk about it.

 

regardless of whether or not he cheated i feel majorly disrespected with the lies.

 

**also i should add that we never really went anywhere without eachother before this night, we would have gone on nights out always as a couple, he brought me to everything, didn't want to go out with out me. we both partied a lot with friends when we were single before we met, so when we got together we calmed down alot and did more 'couply' things together and wouldn't have gone to clubs/bars without eachother. the night out in question he was with work colleagues so i wasn't invited as it was a work event i accepted that

 

please help me, i am in limbo over what to do (sorry this has ended up being quite a long thread)

Edited February 14, 2014 by California_Girl_87

[PegNosePete]

Whether he cheated or not (which he most likely DID), it seems irrelevant. You don't trust him and he is not even bothering to try to regain your trust. The relationship is dead as far as I can see. I would chalk it up to experience and move on.

[California_Girl_87]

Yes, it's the not even bothering to regain my trust that upsets me. if i was accused in the wrong I would do anything to fight my corner and explain everything to the other person to reassure them. however, he just closed up, got mad, refused to talk about it and tried to brush over the issue- this makes him look very guilty- the anger and the not talking about it and the transferring the blame on to me makine me look paranoid. meanwhile i look like a crazy woman who just can't leave it alone.

 

also from reading through the forum it seems that 99% of the time when someone on here was so concerned about their gut feeling of their partner cheating that they took the time to start a thread they were usually correct!! (i know that's a generalisation but that's what i get from reading other people's similar posts)

 

so you guys would say more than likely he DID cheat?

Edited February 14, 2014 by California_Girl_87

[PegNosePete]

More than likely yes but that is the least of your problems.

 

You need to ditch this guy. He is a bad communicator, doesn't make you happy, treats you with disrespect, takes you for granted and is rude and arrogant.

 

Why on earth are you with him! (Yes I put a ! not a ? because it's not really a question!)

[Leigh 87]

Wow.

 

 

My bf would go to the end of the earth to reassure me that he didn't cheat, if I had doubts about him.

 

 

It's disgusting how your bf simply told you to fck off if you did the believe him.

 

 

 

Get out now while you have your self esteem somewhat intact.

 

 

If you stay with a guy who speaks this way to you and tells you to **** off in this manner, you will lose respect yourself.

[justa_guy]

From the responses he gave being very defensive, aggressive and accusing he's definitely hiding something, the fact that he even lied for 2 weeks shows his character.

 

You may never get confirmation that he cheated, but you've got enough evidence to know he's not worth it (I've dumped a girl for similar behavior, she made me feel like I was loosing my mind and being insecure, to the point I went to a psychologist to be evaluated. I only found out 7 months later that she had actually been cheating with multiple guys! but by this stage I had moved on in life already and didn't need the closure)

 

So forget about finding out (I know it's bugging you) and move forward, his behavior is disgusting, go cut him out and go NC, you don't owe him any explanations or justifications, just be like "you're right, we can't be together anymore, bye"

 

Sorry you got treated like this, but you don't want people like that in your life.

[ExpatInItaly]

In this case, I would say that yes, he more than likely did something he shouldn't have. He made his bed by lying about his whereabouts, and it only got worse from there. Wherever he was, whatever he was doing, and whomever he was with...he obviously didn't want you to know about it. Once this trust is betrayed, there's not much left to stand on. Every time he goes out now, it will trigger these doubts and anxious feelings, and the cycle will repeat itself.

 

Now, having said that, I must also point out that people will sometimes become defensive and agitated even if they've truly done nothing wrong but have an overly accusatory or jealous partner. I have been in that position. After a while, I stopped trying to prove my innocence; I had honestly never cheated and simply got tired of defending myself. I didn't fight tooth and nail to prove myself because there really was not point and I became very annoyed by the constant accusations. OP, I need to be clear - I don't think you're that type of partner. I think you have good reason to be suspicious. I'm simply posting this to remind others that a defensive and annoyed attitude doesn't always point to guilt - it can indicate weariness in the relationship and larger trust problems, too.

[BeholdtheMan]

"i'm in bed sleeping, f**k off if you don't believe me"

 

he then told me i was imagining the music and the echo and actually did a good job of convinving me that i was mad and that he was at home in bed... until 2 weeks of lying he admitted he has been out and drunk.

 

 

...basically this guy has also expressed that he is happy to continue along in the relationship with me as long as i am prepared to 'put up and shut up'

 

You're insane...not because you imagine music (which you don't), but because haven't ditched your d-bag of a BF

[Ailsa1983]

Wether or not he cheated is irrelevant right now, but the way this "boy" speaks to you is disgusting he's emotionally abusing you - I cannot believe you allowed this fool to speak to you like that. He's already stated numerous times he wants out, call his card and leave his arrogant ass. This feeling will never go away and you will always doubt him from now on, if the guy isn't even trying to make an effort to convince u he didn't cheat he is not worthy of you.

[Poppygoodwill]

Yes, it's the not even bothering to regain my trust that upsets me. if i was accused in the wrong I would do anything to fight my corner and explain everything to the other person to reassure them. however, he just closed up, got mad, refused to talk about it and tried to brush over the issue- this makes him look very guilty- the anger and the not talking about it and the transferring the blame on to me makine me look paranoid. meanwhile i look like a crazy woman who just can't leave it alone.

 

 

YOu need to be completely honest with yourself.....are you capable of believing him?

 

Are you bothering to try to believe him?

 

I get a sense that no matter what he says, no matter how hard he tries, you still don't believe him.

 

So why would he keep trying?

 

Trust is a two way street. One person has to behave in a trustworthy way. And the other person has to decide to trust them.

 

Can you do that?

[SugarHibiscus]

I'm sorry this is going to be so blunt. Yes, he cheated that night. I'm currently involved in an affair and his secrecy and blame shifting are typical cheaters behavior.

 

Get out while you can! Trust your instincts. As women, we undervalue our intuition.

[Absinthe]

If he was innocent (and a decent, mature person to boot) he would have done his best to defend himself when these accusations were levelled at him. Instead, he projected it back onto you, calling you mental and threatening to dump you. That is classic behaviour from someone who has been doing something they shouldn't have.

 

Ditch his ass.

[Zahara]

I'd ditch this assclown just based on how he speaks to you. Good god girl.

 

His responses to you are clearly blame shifting/gaslighting. Look it up. This is how my cheating ex used to respond to me when I would question him.

[pteromom]

Rule of thumb for dating:

 

Anyone who says "f*** off" to you is not worth your time.

 

Whether or not he cheated doesn't even matter. You can do better than this.

[confuzed23]

Of course there are two sides to every story, but this guy sounds like a jerk and treats you like crap. Many of the things you posted that he said are downright disrespectful and hurtful. Whether he cheated or not it doesn't sound like he treats you very well and the bigger questions is that something you want for the rest of your life or duration of the relationship anyway?

[LilGirlandOW]

He is gas lighting you and disrespecting you. The cheating you may never prove, all you could do is go underground and investigate. Typically cheaters use gas lighting as their first tool when confronted with the issue, especially in a situation where solid evidence isn't thrown in their face. The other side of the coin the disrespect is something you can prove and shouldn't tolerate.

[Thicke2013]

Ok, I'm going to try and be objective here but let me begin by saying that there is absolutely no reason he should ever speak to you that way and more so, never a reason for you to allow yourself to be spoken to that way by anyone, much less someone who claims to love you.

 

With that being said, is this something typical for you? Do you often question him when he goes out and/or accuse him of this type of behavior? I ask because my first wife had absolutely no reason to ever question me. We were high school sweethearts and I was never unfaithful to her nor gave her reason to doubt. She had gained some weight after kids and her self esteem was low. She would accuse me because I worked a lot of hours to provide so she could stay home. The first several times I would reassure her and do my best to calm her insecurities. After this went on for literally a couple of years I started getting really defensive too. Hell, I used to tell her that since I was being punished like I had cheated, I may as well do the deed! No one likes to be continually blamed or accused of something without merit. Now, going out and not telling you is definitely reason enough to question. Just wondering since you two have been together if you constantly question where he is/was and what he was doing?

[No Limit]

The way he's talking to you is a final red flag. Cheaters usually never confess anyway, so why wait for it?