Friends w Benefits

[sm2281]

Hi.

 

I am new to this forum, and I am new to the whole relationship and dating scene. I was married for 10 years, and now divorced. I've started dating again, and I am now considering changing my perspective on Dating and what I would like in a life partner.

 

I am a traditional person, so I thought. I am not sure what I am doing, that is why I am here.

 

I have jumped into every relationship I have been in quite quickly, and it was hard and fast, peaked to early and didn't last long. Since I have been seperated and divorced from my ex, I have had 2 6 mth long relationships where I have fallen in love and been hurt, and it's not them doing the dumping. Its me. (for good and obvious reasons, like stealing, lieing, etc etc.)

 

What specifically is bringing this all on is one person. I do not want to compromise my moral values for any man. That is important to me.

 

But, I am into this guy, and I have been doing the friend with benefits things for about a month with him. That is something I wouldn't normally do. It is either me or it isn't (because, I am who I am, and if you don't want me, you can go) Right? Fair enough.

 

I am falling hard, and wondering what I need to do now.

 

Here is how it went.

 

He was really sweet and nice, and has gone out of his way to do things for me. I took notice and I liked it. We live in the same building, so we know each other a little bit.

 

Then, he finally came to me and said "I like you" and put it out there on the table. He touched my leg and said "date me"

 

He is a man who has been hurt, I can tell. And now, I know.

 

So things were going great, but then I began feeling like I had to hid something. Friends would drop by to either of our apartments and it was hard not to touch eachother and be "ourselves" around eachother. So I said something and here we are now.

 

I asked him if he was going to "date me" because I didn't know where we were at and this is the response I got.

 

"I want kids, and a small family. But I am not in a good place in my life right now (he isn't) and I think I may be falling in love with you, I can't get you out of my head, but I have to go to XXX School and Classes, and if you are in my life then I will fail because of the distraction." He went on to say I am not ready for a relationship.

 

I have contemplated these things for a while, normally I would not want to do anything with a man who just told me he isn't ready (because that is just a no in my book) Nor, would I normally consider doing friends with benefits. . .

 

I am just confused. I wouldn't normally do a fwb but I would be willing to with this guy?

 

I am not sure if he is holding out for something better and stringing me along, or if he really cares about me and wants his life to be better.

 

Anyway. Maybe I am just being irrational. I would rather move on and be single than wait around for someone who is just stringing me along. Actions speak louder than words though, and he is still being sweet to me and I am not kissing him, so I am beginning to think he is telling the truth.

[Gaeta]

Throw 'normally' out the window. In a life-time we change, evolve, gain wisdom and our basic moral values change with each step.

 

There is NO shame in being a sexually free woman! Morality does not come from what you do in your bedroom it comes from being honest with yourself and with others. As long as you and him understand that it's only a fwb, and no one is misleading the other, there is nothing wrong. You are both consenting adult, whether it's with him or another man.

 

Now this guy. Is he offering you a fwb? I don't understand, his logic is he can't be in a romantic relationship with you because that would screw up his concentration but being fwb with you would be ok? That makes no sense. And how can he squeeze a fwb in his life while he gets himself back on track but cannot squeeze in a relationship?

 

Or maybe I am misunderstanding the last part of your thread.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Gaeta

[Kizza]

He went on to say he is not ready for a relationship.

 

 

This means he is not ready for a relationship, unless it is random convenient no stings attached sex (no matter how sweet he is, this is usually to make himself NOT feel like a jerk, it makes the sex better for him) or he is not ready for a relationship with You

 

 

NOw......

 

 

When a guy really falls in love... as he says he is doing... I mean really for truthfully is falling in love as this guy has told you then there is no excuse in the world for him to not keep you in his life....if he really wanted you he would balance his educational commitments and manage to show respect to his girlfriend. But......

 

 

I don't think he wants 100% of you

 

 

I think in this situation you are inevitably going to be hurt, you are not on the same page right now. You are falling for him hard and if you get in to this fwb with him there are 2 things that will happen even if you have a bunch of fun along the way. 1) He will never have the respect for you he could ever have for a GF ever and so your opportunity for a relationship with this man will plummet from 9/10 to 1/10 and 2) You will have your head done in to the point of near insanity and be unbelievably hurt...

Edited February 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sm2281]

I decided to ask what the stance was, again and I said that I was not going to FWB unless he was going to date me.

 

He is not ready, and we are still going to be friends. The deciding factor is thus stated above: How can he say that and then not want to date me and then if he has said he isn't ready, then he isn't just magically going to be ready to date anyone. And, if he has time for FWB and I am such a distraction than how does he have time for fwb and everything else.

 

So that is where I am at. We are still friends though.

 

He is a good guy outside of that.

 

As far as sexual freedom, I don't do FWB because it leaves too much room for interpretation (thus this thread) and because it fuels jealousy and competition, and I don't support that either. I dont carry double standards.

[what_a_blonde]

I decided to ask what the stance was, again and I said that I was not going to FWB unless he was going to date me.

 

He is not ready, and we are still going to be friends. The deciding factor is thus stated above: How can he say that and then not want to date me and then if he has said he isn't ready, then he isn't just magically going to be ready to date anyone. And, if he has time for FWB and I am such a distraction than how does he have time for fwb and everything else.

 

So that is where I am at. We are still friends though.

 

He is a good guy outside of that.

 

As far as sexual freedom, I don't do FWB because it leaves too much room for interpretation (thus this thread) and because it fuels jealousy and competition, and I don't support that either. I dont carry double standards.

 

Sounds like you've already done so, but my vote would definitely be to not continue the FWB.

 

From experience, and from reading many other posts on this forum (and friends in my personal life as well), when you desire one thing and the other person does not... that is where it gets messy.

 

Thats when a line has been crossed where you can't go back (i.e. you now have feelings and are sexually active, it won't be easy AT ALL to go back to suddenly not having feelings, but still continue to be ok with FWB).

 

I'm not sure what his motive is exactly, and I agree with you.. if he has time for FWB and really cares for you like he says, why not just have a relationship?

 

The answer is clear though, he is not ready for a relationship and in a way wants to play the field. Nothing wrong with that, he's just fortunately being honest with you (which MANY men would not be in this type of situation, they would continue to lie as you continue to fulfill their need). He's told you he has other things he needs to focus on, which is totally fair.

 

Now you know where the two of you stand, just be careful not to go back to the FWB unless you know you won't get hurt.

 

In the meantime, you can now continue to maybe find a meaningful relationship with someone... and if this is really meant to be with this guy in the long run, it will work out someday (i.e. after he is done with his studies, or maybe even after he gets jealous of you finding someone else lol).

[Hornylildevil]

I'm going thru something similar and it's tearing me up. I'm sure she has lost interest after a little over a month and after our first 'encounter'. We went at it for 5 hours and I thought our first session went well! Now all I get is "I'm busy with work, I'll call tomorrow" and "Sorry, handsome, I was SO tired I just crashed when I got home", etc. I told her I was pursuing her romantically and all I got was "I have some major goals this year and couldn't give you my all in a relationship". So now, my feelings are hurt, I'm pissed all the time at feeling played and used and ignored and I DO resent her greatly. I have also caught her in several lies, something that never amuses or impresses me.

 

I tell you all this because it sounds like your fella is, in fact, stringing you along. I too am far from happy with this, my first FWB relationship and I can assure you it WILL be my last. If I were you I'd bail out before your heart gets much more emotionally invested, as I am ALMOST ready to do with my 'F-Buddy'. My heart and instincts tell me that after a month of talking and emailing every day to barely hearing from her, she has already found her newest victim, knowing damn well I like and care and could fall in love with her. I really hope you don't get hurt. People like us, people who are ready to commit and with big, loving hearts, ALWAYS seem to be the ones taking it on the chin, while our FWB merrily struts off to the next piece of meat. Read my other posts, you'll see I really was starting to like her, now I just feel stupid and used. Best of luck, sweetie!

[sm2281]

I'm going thru something similar and it's tearing me up. I'm sure she has lost interest after a little over a month and after our first 'encounter'. We went at it for 5 hours and I thought our first session went well! Now all I get is "I'm busy with work, I'll call tomorrow" and "Sorry, handsome, I was SO tired I just crashed when I got home", etc. I told her I was pursuing her romantically and all I got was "I have some major goals this year and couldn't give you my all in a relationship". So now, my feelings are hurt, I'm pissed all the time at feeling played and used and ignored and I DO resent her greatly. I have also caught her in several lies, something that never amuses or impresses me.

 

I tell you all this because it sounds like your fella is, in fact, stringing you along. I too am far from happy with this, my first FWB relationship and I can assure you it WILL be my last. If I were you I'd bail out before your heart gets much more emotionally invested, as I am ALMOST ready to do with my 'F-Buddy'. My heart and instincts tell me that after a month of talking and emailing every day to barely hearing from her, she has already found her newest victim, knowing damn well I like and care and could fall in love with her. I really hope you don't get hurt. People like us, people who are ready to commit and with big, loving hearts, ALWAYS seem to be the ones taking it on the chin, while our FWB merrily struts off to the next piece of meat. Read my other posts, you'll see I really was starting to like her, now I just feel stupid and used. Best of luck, sweetie!

 

Aint that the truth!!

 

While I understand that things are just starting off (we never had sex, but got pretty heavy at times) I am new to all of this and avoiding doing anything sexual without testing done. So there was no sex involved, but I found myself falling anyway. then one day a hair clip pops up in his car that doesn't belong to me and it made me assess what I was doing with this guy.

 

He said he wanted to wait because he might really like me (before he said he might be in love)

 

I had to do some soul searching, because I liked it that he wanted to wait, but either way, sex or not, it doesn't change that I am "distracting" him from his life, and the fact that he is not ready. If he isn't ready there is nothing I can do to change that and I am not going to be the one to distract him from what he is doing.

 

We are remaining friends so that there aren't any more mixed signals.

[Hornylildevil]

Good for you! And I didn't mean to hijack your thread, just laying groundwork for my point. So long as you remain friends, neither of you can really be jealous or confused over strange hair clips, etc. But do be careful, dear!

[sm2281]

No worries about hi jacking, and good luck to you Thanks for the response.