When a man says "you're not the one", believe him.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I thought he was a commitment phobe. He had all the signs of being one. I studied the subject for years only to find out that I was the delusional one.

 

Dammit.

 

My conclusion for his inconsistency and ambiguity in our off and on relationship (for 3 years) was that he was emotionally unavailable, that he was scared, that he just was incapable of loving. That he was in denial of his "love" for me, that one day he would see it and regret it. I was so set on it that I could have rested in peace knowing that one day he would recognize these unfavorable flaws and come back with the commitment that I so badly wish he could offer me. But nope. In fact, commitment issues wasn't the case at all.

 

It was pretty straight forward: I just literally wasn't the one.

 

So he decided to explain to me why he never bought me flowers, never spent money on me and never invited me out with his friends/family. Why he was hot and cold. Why he would break up and come back. Why he could never offer me what I wanted/needed. Why sometimes he was sweet, and sometimes he was mean. Why one day he would say I love you and the next day he couldn't say it.

 

He made me believe that:

He kept coming back because he didn't want to lose me. That I was a big part of his life. That he really did love me. That he was afraid, that "I was the only person he ever truly cared for"...He said those things, he made me believe them each time he came back...

 

You know what he said to me? He said "why would I invest time and money on you, when I know there is no future with you? When I know you aren't the one?" Just like that, all my questions were answered. After he told me it was commitment issues and lead me to believe he was scared, it was really because I was never the one. He said that when the right girl comes along he would do all those things for her, treat her right, buy her things, invite her out with friends/family...

 

Do you know how hard that was to hear?

 

So, after all this time and thinking that there was some reasonable explanation for his behavior, it was right in front of me and I chose not to see it. I was the one in denial.

 

I guess my reason for this post is for those who think their boyfriend/girlfriend is a commitment phobe, there really is no such thing. It's just that you aren't the one for them. No matter how much they lead you on or come back or change their mind, if they break up with you twice, even once, it should be over. If they can't give you what you deserve, walk away. If they tell you "I love you, but", walk away. If they make up excuses to why they don't do this or that for you, walk away.

 

Find what you deserve, because we all deserve that. WE ALL DESERVE THAT.

Edited February 14, 2014 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[Philosoraptor]

Well I think this goes for anyone. If someone tells you they don't want to be with you it's not your job to try and rationalize why he said it and assume they will come back.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Well I think this goes for anyone. If someone tells you they don't want to be with you it's not your job to try and rationalize why he said it and assume they will come back.

 

This goes for those people who have been in off and on relationships, the ones that DO come back several times. My ex came back several times. And still tries.

 

We naturally always try to rationalize a breakup, it's human nature.

[Pastel]

I agree with your post except that I think that the concept of "the one" is a load of baloney. Destiny does not exist. Holding onto the hope that there is only one person out there for you is not healthy. The truth is that you can have a connection with many people throughout your life.

 

It just didn't work out. And that's okay. There are other people out there.

 

By the way, your ex sounds like he's mentally unstable if he keeps trying to come back after telling you that you aren't "the one."

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I agree with your post except that I think that the concept of "the one" is a load of baloney. Destiny does not exist. Holding onto the hope that there is only one person out there for you is not healthy. The truth is that you can have a connection with many people throughout your life.

 

It just didn't work out. And that's okay. There are other people out there.

 

By the way, your ex sounds like he's mentally unstable if he keeps trying to come back after telling you that you aren't "the one."

 

True. That's why we are able to fall in love again after a breakup.

 

And yea, sometimes it just doesn't work out and you move on, but what is it called when they keep coming back? When they push and pull? Off and on? When they want to be with you and then tell you that you aren't the one?

 

I asked him why he keeps coming back if I'm not the one. I also asked how he can kiss, cuddle, have sex and want to spend time with me if I'm not the one. Because I've dated guys that aren't the one and I have no interest in doing any of that with them, it would make me uncomfortable and I wouldn't enjoy it. I also have guy friends who said once they break up with someone, they don't have any interest in seeing them anymore and don't lead them on.

 

My ex said he doesn't understand the way he feels or why he feels that way. He just does.

[Pastel]

True. That's why we are able to fall in love again after a breakup.

 

And yea, sometimes it just doesn't work out and you move on, but what is it called when they keep coming back? When they push and pull? Off and on? When they want to be with you and then tell you that you aren't the one?

 

I asked him why he keeps coming back if I'm not the one. I also asked how he can kiss, cuddle, have sex and want to spend time with me if I'm not the one. Because I've dated guys that aren't the one and I have no interest in doing any of that with them, it would make me uncomfortable and I wouldn't enjoy it. I also have guy friends who said once they break up with someone, they don't have any interest in seeing them anymore and don't lead them on.

 

My ex said he doesn't understand the way he feels or why he feels that way. He just does.

 

Your ex sounds like he's confused. Asking him why won't do any good. I'm an introvert so I enjoy observing and analyzing other people's behaviors, and I've seen people lie through their teeth. My roommates are a perfect example. When they feel uncomfortable talking about something they just lie about it. Some of the lies are pretty elaborate too. What I'm getting at is you'll never really know how he's truly feeling. In the case of an ex it's better not to analyze it.

 

In that situation it's better to act indifferent. Don't let him get a rise out of you. If anything they'll probably be impressed by the way you're reacting to the situation. If not, at least you're taking steps to heal and move on.

[rec88]

He said that when the right girl comes along he would do all those things for her, treat her right, buy her things, invite her out with friends/family...

 

The "It will just come to me naturally" or "I'll know it when I see it" approaches are total BS. This implies that when the "Right One" comes into his life, he won't have to try; it will just be. Anyone who believes this is not living in reality.

 

It's just his rationalization. You have yours, he has his. Don't take it personally. I know, easier said than done.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Your ex sounds like he's confused. Asking him why won't do any good. I'm an introvert so I enjoy observing and analyzing other people's behaviors, and I've seen people lie through their teeth. My roommates are a perfect example. When they feel uncomfortable talking about something they just lie about it. Some of the lies are pretty elaborate too. What I'm getting at is you'll never really know how he's truly feeling. In the case of an ex it's better not to analyze it.

 

In that situation it's better to act indifferent. Don't let him get a rise out of you. If anything they'll probably be impressed by the way you're reacting to the situation. If not, at least you're taking steps to heal and move on.

 

I'm also introvert and find myself analyzing others behaviors too, which is why I have spent so much time trying to understand him.

 

It all started because he asked how I was doing and I said "great, I realize you aren't the one for me either and I found a man who treats me the way I deserve and is a gentleman" which is when he explained why he doesn't treat me the way I deserve. He also said "it's not that I'm not a gentleman, it's just that I didn't invest that time into you"

 

I think the whole point he said those things was he was trying to get a rise out of me and hurt me because I am moving on.

[894hjk]

He sounds like bpd like me.

I do that

[Never Again]

The "It will just come to me naturally" or "I'll know it when I see it" approaches are total BS. This implies that when the "Right One" comes into his life, he won't have to try; it will just be. Anyone who believes this is not living in reality.

 

It's just his rationalization. You have yours, he has his. Don't take it personally. I know, easier said than done.

 

Ding!

 

This has nothing to do with "the one" and everything to do with him being an asshat.

 

To be honest, your comment to him, while a positive in your life, seemed a liiiiiiittle geared at pushing his buttons.

 

You bruised his ego, so he wanted to bruise yours back. He felt hurt, so he sought to hurt you.

 

He's a petulant child - you shouldn't be talking to him anyway.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

He sounds like bpd like me.

I do that

 

BPD? How? please explain, I'm curious. :-)

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Ding!

 

This has nothing to do with "the one" and everything to do with him being an asshat.

 

To be honest, your comment to him, while a positive in your life, seemed a liiiiiiittle geared at pushing his buttons.

 

You bruised his ego, so he wanted to bruise yours back. He felt hurt, so he sought to hurt you.

 

He's a petulant child - you shouldn't be talking to him anyway.

 

Yea, I could see that. But it was a proud realization for me after 3 years of fighting for him. It sure, it was too push his buttons. Because he has put me through SO much.

[Phoe]

Yup.

 

I clung to the hope of a relationship with a guy for 3 years. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. So I stuck around waiting for the time when he WAS ready. Let him use me, bent to his will, and forgave his bad treatment of me in hopes that he'd see how awesome I am. That he'd be inspired to want to be with me, since I treat him so dang good. Nope.

 

 

3 years wasted.

 

 

Within a year of me finally giving up on him, he was married.

 

 

He wanted someone, just not me.

[mammasita]

I don't buy it.

 

Some people are just screwed in the head....i.e narcissistic, sociopaths, psychopaths...etc.

 

One of my exes claimed to meet "the one" after not being able to commit to me. Well he still couldn't/didn't keep his dick in his pants all the while professing his undying love to her and making plans to marry her....so on and so forth.

 

Bottom line is that the responsibility falls on us. How we view ourselves, our self worth/self esteem. Whether they're commitment phobes, whether they see us as the one......blah. All irrelevant.

 

Set boundaries and tell them to go kick rocks if they're crossed.

[Never Again]

Yea, I could see that. But it was a proud realization for me after 3 years of fighting for him. It sure, it was too push his buttons. Because he has put me through SO much.

 

I'm not judging.

 

However, whether you intended it or not, you hurt him...and he reacted in a way to try to take away your new-found price and self-esteem.

 

I understand where you're coming from, in a way. I've had ex's who I invested in who never invested back. Actually, that'd be almost all my ex's except for the most recent one.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I'm not judging.

 

However, whether you intended it or not, you hurt him...and he reacted in a way to try to take away your new-found price and self-esteem.

 

I understand where you're coming from, in a way. I've had ex's who I invested in who never invested back. Actually, that'd be almost all my ex's except for the most recent one.

 

It's so funny though, because he didn't seem hurt by that. But who knows. He just gave me an explanation as to why he wasn't a gentleman and didn't treat me well.

 

Now, he wants to see me Monday. PUHLEEZ

[Pastel]

I'm also introvert and find myself analyzing others behaviors too, which is why I have spent so much time trying to understand him.

 

It all started because he asked how I was doing and I said "great, I realize you aren't the one for me either and I found a man who treats me the way I deserve and is a gentleman" which is when he explained why he doesn't treat me the way I deserve. He also said "it's not that I'm not a gentleman, it's just that I didn't invest that time into you"

 

I think the whole point he said those things was he was trying to get a rise out of me and hurt me because I am moving on.

 

I do agree that you may have been trying to irritate him, so he snapped and said something equally as hurtful. I would just thank him for his time and tell him that you hope he finds what he's looking for.

 

The best revenge is a life well lived. Remember that.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with your post except that I think that the concept of "the one" is a load of baloney. Destiny does not exist. Holding onto the hope that there is only one person out there for you is not healthy. The truth is that you can have a connection with many people throughout your life.

 

It just didn't work out. And that's okay. There are other people out there.

 

By the way, your ex sounds like he's mentally unstable if he keeps trying to come back after telling you that you aren't "the one."

 

He's not mentally unstable. He just likes the sex and saw the OP as an easy mark in that category. Why put out a lot of effort to find someone new when you don't have to?

 

I agree with the OP though, for the most part commitment phobia is a load of crap. I've seen plenty of people who would be considered "commitment phobes" completely change their approach when they found someone they really cherished.

[Pastel]

He's not mentally unstable. He just likes the sex and saw the OP as an easy mark in that category. Why put out a lot of effort to find someone new when you don't have to?

 

I agree with the OP though, for the most part commitment phobia is a load of crap. I've seen plenty of people who would be considered "commitment phobes" completely change their approach when they found someone they really cherished.

 

I will agree to politely disagree with you on that one. Getting sex really isn't that difficult these days. All you have to do is download a dating app or go bar hopping. It seems like it's more of a power play issue, or something else. Who knows? No one will ever know what's going through this guy's head.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yup.

 

I clung to the hope of a relationship with a guy for 3 years. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. So I stuck around waiting for the time when he WAS ready. Let him use me, bent to his will, and forgave his bad treatment of me in hopes that he'd see how awesome I am. That he'd be inspired to want to be with me, since I treat him so dang good. Nope.

 

 

3 years wasted.

 

 

Within a year of me finally giving up on him, he was married.

 

 

He wanted someone, just not me.

 

My friend dated a girl for 2.5 years that he put minimal to no effort in. He liked her as a person and liked to have sex with her, but he stayed with her in part because he didn't have to put out much effort and because it was less work than having to go out and hunt for somebody. To his credit, he told her up front that he was busy and not always going to be available and that he wasn't looking for a long-term (marriage, kids, etc.) thing.

 

She chose not to believe him and chose to think that she could convince him to marry her and dedicate more energy to her. She broke up with him three times. The first time she begged for him back a week later, the second time she held out a month. Neither time did he do any sort of chasing. Finally the third time she left and stayed gone.

 

About six weeks after she broke up with him he met his future wife. Within a month he had put more effort into this woman than he had in 2.5 years with the other one. Within eight months they were living together. Within a year of that they were married.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I will agree to politely disagree with you on that one. Getting sex really isn't that difficult these days. All you have to do is download a dating app or go bar hopping. It seems like it's more of a power play issue, or something else. Who knows? No one will ever know what's going through this guy's head.

 

As much as I disagree with the term commimtent phobia now, I do think something is mentally unstable with my ex. He works as a prison guard and has mommy issues. I think his work environment and his childhood issues are major reasons why he is the way he is.

 

My ex is very jealous and territorial. The first thing he asked me after NC, was "have you slept with anyone?" and "have you dated?"

[rec88]

I agree with Simon. Let's be careful suggesting personality disorders. I suppose we can't rule it out from here, but we certainly can't rule it in. Best to put that one on the shelf and let the pros handle it.

 

*the pros and the people involved

[Simon Phoenix]

I will agree to politely disagree with you on that one. Getting sex really isn't that difficult these days. All you have to do is download a dating app or go bar hopping. It seems like it's more of a power play issue, or something else. Who knows? No one will ever know what's going through this guy's head.

 

Why spend $50 at the bar when you can spend $0 at home and have the sex come to you? This is pretty standard practice for a lot of guys. Is there some sort of power play going on? Probably. I wouldn't call that being mentally unstable though. I'd call it being selfish as hell, but if she doesn't have the power to stay away (which she obviously hasn't in the past) I can see why he'd exploit the situation. It's not up to him to prevent her from hurting herself.

 

As for the OP, why o why are you still in contact with this person?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

My friend dated a girl for 2.5 years that he put minimal to no effort in. He liked her as a person and liked to have sex with her, but he stayed with her in part because he didn't have to put out much effort and because it was less work than having to go out and hunt for somebody. To his credit, he told her up front that he was busy and not always going to be available and that he wasn't looking for a long-term (marriage, kids, etc.) thing.

 

She chose not to believe him and chose to think that she could convince him to marry her and dedicate more energy to her. She broke up with him three times. The first time she begged for him back a week later, the second time she held out a month. Neither time did he do any sort of chasing. Finally the third time she left and stayed gone.

 

About six weeks after she broke up with him he met his future wife. Within a month he had put more effort into this woman than he had in 2.5 years with the other one. Within eight months they were living together. Within a year of that they were married.

 

In that case, all signs are obvious it was all about sex. But what about a guy who continually comes back, initiates every call/text, says he misses you, says he has checked out every dating site you're on, worries about you etc.?

 

With my ex, it's not about the sex. If sex wasn't involved (there are cases it hasn't been), he would still be calling me up saying he misses me.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Why spend $50 at the bar when you can spend $0 at home and have the sex come to you? This is pretty standard practice for a lot of guys. Is there some sort of power play going on? Probably. I wouldn't call that being mentally unstable though. I'd call it being selfish as hell, but if she doesn't have the power to stay away (which she obviously hasn't in the past) I can see why he'd exploit the situation. It's not up to him to prevent her from hurting herself.

 

As for the OP, why o why are you still in contact with this person?

 

Okay, he does spend money on me. He does buy me things here and there and buys dinner.

 

Anyways, I don't know why I'm in contact with him. I'm trying to be friends.