When a man says "you're not the one", believe him.

[Simon Phoenix]

In that case, all signs are obvious it was all about sex. But what about a guy who continually comes back, initiates every call/text, says he misses you, says he has checked out every dating site you're on, worries about you etc.?

 

With my ex, it's not about the sex. If sex wasn't involved (there are cases it hasn't been), he would still be calling me up saying he misses me.

 

I mean, we've been over this. Just because one is more honest than the other doesn't mean the intent wasn't the same. Your ex was more manipulative than my friend, but it doesn't mean that his intentions weren't similar. And mistaking "I miss you" for "I love you and want to be with you forever" is a classic rookie mistake. He liked to have you on the hook and he knows exactly what buttons to push. Because he knows that you are overanalytical and will bend words into things they don't necessarily mean.

[Pastel]

My friend dated a girl for 2.5 years that he put minimal to no effort in. He liked her as a person and liked to have sex with her, but he stayed with her in part because he didn't have to put out much effort and because it was less work than having to go out and hunt for somebody. To his credit, he told her up front that he was busy and not always going to be available and that he wasn't looking for a long-term (marriage, kids, etc.) thing.

 

She chose not to believe him and chose to think that she could convince him to marry her and dedicate more energy to her. She broke up with him three times. The first time she begged for him back a week later, the second time she held out a month. Neither time did he do any sort of chasing. Finally the third time she left and stayed gone.

 

About six weeks after she broke up with him he met his future wife. Within a month he had put more effort into this woman than he had in 2.5 years with the other one. Within eight months they were living together. Within a year of that they were married.

 

You're scratching the surface of what happened. Do you really know the ins and outs of the relationships he has/has had with these women? Do you really know what goes on behind closed doors?

 

I could bring up situations where people get married and then get divorced. My sister's train wreck of a marriage would be a nice place to start. The previous poster's ex who planned a wedding with another person would be another anecdote we could draw upon.

 

What I keep trying to say is that we can't make wild assumptions about things, unless it makes you feel better and helps you move on. Then by all means do so.

 

Definitely stay away from this guy though, OP. You deserve someone better.

[Simon Phoenix]

Okay, he does spend money on me. He does buy me things here and there and buys dinner.

 

Anyways, I don't know why I'm in contact with him. I'm trying to be friends.

 

There's a huge difference in buying things for someone who you know will give you what you desire (be it sex, companionship, cudding, whatever) and spending $50 looking to hook up with someone you haven't met before. Making a investment vs. playing the lottery so to speak.

 

As for the friends thing, why the hell would you want to be friends with someone who you feel treats you like an emotional yo-yo? I really feel like you are trying to keep a lifeline open to this guy out of the hope that he'll "see the light". You have been extremely co-dependent on this man and you will continue to have co-dependence if you keep him in your life.

 

Friends is such a horribly bad idea right now. You need extended period of NC with this man -- six months minimum. Nothing good will come of this.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're scratching the surface of what happened. Do you really know the ins and outs of the relationships he has/has had with these women? Do you really know what goes on behind closed doors?

 

I could bring up situations where people get married and then get divorced. My sister's train wreck of a marriage would be a nice place to start. The previous poster's ex who planned a wedding with another person would be another anecdote we could draw upon.

 

What I keep trying to say is that we can't make wild assumptions about things, unless it makes you feel better and helps you move on. Then by all means do so.

 

Definitely stay away from this guy though, OP. You deserve someone better.

 

Of my friend? Yes, he was my roommate for four years -- I know the ins and outs of his love life because I have been his main confidant. As for the OP, she's been writing about this same guy for years, so yes, we've heard all of her perspectives on him.

 

I mean, I'm not sure what you are trying to pick at here or what wild assumptions I'm making.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I mean, we've been over this. Just because one is more honest than the other doesn't mean the intent wasn't the same. Your ex was more manipulative than my friend, but it doesn't mean that his intentions weren't similar. And mistaking "I miss you" for "I love you and want to be with you forever" is a classic rookie mistake. He liked to have you on the hook and he knows exactly what buttons to push. Because he knows that you are overanalytical and will bend words into things they don't necessarily mean.

 

That's fine. I'm not trying to date him again.

 

On a different level, we do care about each other and love each other. So I'm willing to try to be friends with this person. We have been through thick and thin and he has been a big part of my life.

 

We don't work as a couple and that's okay. I get it. But I care about him as a person to want him in my life still.

 

The whole point of this point was just to say commitment phobia is a lie. It isn't that difficult. It's simple: we aren't the one.

 

I took me a long time to realize that and it's easier to take in once you accept it, instead of holding onto hope.

 

Fact is, I have a feeling my ex will always be like this.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's fine. I'm not trying to date him again.

 

On a different level, we do care about each other and love each other. So I'm willing to try to be friends with this person. We have been through thick and thin and he has been a big part of my life.

 

We don't work as a couple and that's okay. I get it. But I care about him as a person to want him in my life still.

 

The whole point of this point was just to say commitment phobia is a lie. It isn't that difficult. It's simple: we aren't the one.

 

I took me a long time to realize that and it's easier to take in once you accept it, instead of holding onto hope.

 

Fact is, I have a feeling my ex will always be like this.

 

I agree with you on commitment phobia. As far as being friends with you ex, its a really bad idea right now. Just an awful idea. You have to flush all emotional feelings for him -- whether it be love, wanting, frustration, anger -- out of your system completely for it to even be a realistic option. Just too much history and too much baggage to just jump into being friends. It's likely something that will take several months/even years for that to happen. It's an extremely dangerous game you are playing, and there's absolutely no reason for it. If you are meant to be friends, you can be friends later when everything has settled.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I agree with you on commitment phobia. As far as being friends with you ex, its a really bad idea right now. Just an awful idea. You have to flush all emotional feelings for him -- whether it be love, wanting, frustration, anger -- out of your system completely for it to even be a realistic option. Just too much history and too much baggage to just jump into being friends. It's likely something that will take several months/even years for that to happen. It's an extremely dangerous game you are playing, and there's absolutely no reason for it. If you are meant to be friends, you can be friends later when everything has settled.

 

You are right, I know you are.

[Pastel]

Of my friend? Yes, he was my roommate for four years -- I know the ins and outs of his love life because I have been his main confidant. As for the OP, she's been writing about this same guy for years, so yes, we've heard all of her perspectives on him.

 

I mean, I'm not sure what you are trying to pick at here or what wild assumptions I'm making.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she should waste another breath on this guy. I think she needs to move on. I know how difficult it is to do so though so I'm not one to judge.

 

Knowing someone for years doesn't really mean anything. I had a best friend that I thought I knew like the back of my hand. We'd been friends since the second grade. We both talked about guys together. Then years down the line she came out of the closet and began to openly date women.

 

The OP's ex might have been trying to use her for an easy lay. But trying to peg that as the only thing he was trying to do is a little ridiculous. We don't know this guy.

 

There's no point in trying to analyze him. Just say thank you and move on. Don't try to make him jealous or incite any emotions out of him. Cut contact with him for a while. Cultivate the relationship you have now. That's the only advice I have for you OP.

 

And I'm done.

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she should waste another breath on this guy. I think she needs to move on. I know how difficult it is to do so though so I'm not one to judge.

 

Knowing someone for years doesn't really mean anything. I had a best friend that I thought I knew like the back of my hand. We'd been friends since the second grade. We both talked about guys together. Then years down the line she came out of the closet and began to openly date women.

 

The OP's ex might have been trying to use her for an easy lay. But trying to peg that as the only thing he was trying to do is a little ridiculous. We don't know this guy.

 

There's no point in trying to analyze him. Just say thank you and move on. Don't try to make him jealous or incite any emotions out of him. Cut contact with him for a while. Cultivate the relationship you have now. That's the only advice I have for you OP.

 

And I'm done.

 

Weren't you the one who said he was mentally unstable? I mean, isn't that pegging a guy without knowing him either? Bit hypocritical to jump on me for that when the reason I responded to you was due to you "pegging" something on him isn't it? He could be a mental case, or he could be that dime-a-dozen guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

As for my friend/ex-roommate/ex-coworker, maybe he's really secretly a superhero who fights crime when no one is looking. Or maybe living with him for four years, working with him for five and being his friend for eight gives me pretty good access to his thoughts. Really not sure why you are taking this stand.

[Never Again]

The whole point of this point was just to say commitment phobia is a lie. It isn't that difficult. It's simple: we aren't the one.

 

Eh.

 

Commitment phobia isn't a lie, it's just an umbrella term that's horribly overused by people who want to explain why their ex's left. GIGS is overused in exactly the same way.

 

There are people who are naturally avoidant. They don't let people in until they're ready, and sometimes struggle even then. It's not just a question of "who", it's a question of "when". Loads of reasons why, but it happens. But these people are usually few and far between.

 

I say this as someone who's horrifically avoidant when it comes to REAL intimacy with those I really cherished.

 

However, there's also no "the one". That's just an excuse people toss out there to avoid saying "I don't feel the sexual/emotional chemistry anymore and I'm too lazy to rekindle", or "I don't see a future with you ever because we're horribly incompatible", or "I was lukewarm with you to begin with".

 

Also, ex-nay on the friends thing. Big time.

[Pastel]

Weren't you the one who said he was mentally unstable? I mean, isn't that pegging a guy without knowing him either? Bit hypocritical to jump on me for that when the reason I responded to you was due to you "pegging" something on him isn't it? He could be a mental case, or he could be that dime-a-dozen guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

As for my friend/ex-roommate/ex-coworker, maybe he's really secretly a superhero who fights crime when no one is looking. Or maybe living with him for four years, working with him for five and being his friend for eight gives me pretty good access to his thoughts. Really not sure why you are taking this stand.

 

I said he sounds like he's mentally unstable. My opinion. I also said people lie and we'll never know the truth. Anything is a possibility.

 

You're also taking the last part too far. On that token I could say you're a mind reader who's able to predict how every circumstance turns out.

 

I'm not sure why you're getting riled up. You're entitled to your opinion. I'm entitled to disagree with it.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Eh.

 

Commitment phobia isn't a lie, it's just an umbrella term that's horribly overused by people who want to explain why their ex's left. GIGS is overused in exactly the same way.

 

There are people who are naturally avoidant. They don't let people in until they're ready, and sometimes struggle even then. It's not just a question of "who", it's a question of "when". Loads of reasons why, but it happens. But these people are usually few and far between.

 

I say this as someone who's horrifically avoidant when it comes to REAL intimacy with those I really cherished.

 

However, there's also no "the one". That's just an excuse people toss out there to avoid saying "I don't feel the sexual/emotional chemistry anymore and I'm too lazy to rekindle", or "I don't see a future with you ever because we're horribly incompatible", or "I was lukewarm with you to begin with".

 

Also, ex-nay on the friends thing. Big time.

 

Well my ex also said he pushes people away and he never let's anyone in. But I don't understand why someone would do that?

 

He has told me several times that he is a commitment phobe and now he tells me it's just because I wasn't the one. He goes back and forth on the issue. Then I'm sure a month from now he will tell me it's because he was scared. He is so off and on, and THAT is what I'm trying to understand.

[Pastel]

Eh.

 

Commitment phobia isn't a lie, it's just an umbrella term that's horribly overused by people who want to explain why their ex's left. GIGS is overused in exactly the same way.

 

There are people who are naturally avoidant. They don't let people in until they're ready, and sometimes struggle even then. It's not just a question of "who", it's a question of "when". Loads of reasons why, but it happens. But these people are usually few and far between.

 

I say this as someone who's horrifically avoidant when it comes to REAL intimacy with those I really cherished.

 

However, there's also no "the one". That's just an excuse people toss out there to avoid saying "I don't feel the sexual/emotional chemistry anymore and I'm too lazy to rekindle", or "I don't see a future with you ever because we're horribly incompatible", or "I was lukewarm with you to begin with".

 

Also, ex-nay on the friends thing. Big time.

 

I agree completely.

[Never Again]

Well my ex also said he pushes people away and he never let's anyone in. But I don't understand why someone would do that?

 

He has told me several times that he is a commitment phobe and now he tells me it's just because I wasn't the one. He goes back and forth on the issue. Then I'm sure a month from now he will tell me it's because he was scared. He is so off and on, and THAT is what I'm trying to understand.

 

I wouldn't bother. He's put you through a lot and isn't worth your time.

 

The fact that he admits to being a "commitment phobe", yet does nothing about it, is a big ol' red flag. He was trying to explain why he's keep you at arm's length yet not leave you entirely.

 

My problems are another matter entirely - borne of stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue and a lack of emotional fortitude. I'll keep them out of your thread, but as soon as I stopped being in denial about them (it took my BU to shock me into reality), I began working on them. I'm not so callous as to ever want to put another girl, or myself, through that rough stuff ever again.

 

Granted, maybe he really has a problem and is lazy...but it sounds more like an excuse.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I wouldn't bother. He's put you through a lot and isn't worth your time.

 

The fact that he admits to being a "commitment phobe", yet does nothing about it, is a big ol' red flag. He was trying to explain why he's keep you at arm's length yet not leave you entirely.

 

My problems are another matter entirely - borne of stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue and a lack of emotional fortitude. I'll keep them out of your thread, but as soon as I stopped being in denial about them (it took my BU to shock me into reality), I began working on them. I'm not so callous as to ever want to put another girl, or myself, through that rough stuff ever again.

 

Granted, maybe he really has a problem and is lazy...but it sounds more like an excuse.

 

Well he told me he wanted to go to therapy for it, but never went. His best friend is like that too. Been with the same girl for 6 years and no commitment, and off and on.

 

He said he gets anxiety thinking about commitment and probably will always be single.

 

But then he says "you aren't the one" and then a month later says, "I'm afraid of losing you"

[Simon Phoenix]

I said he sounds like he's mentally unstable. My opinion. I also said people lie and we'll never know the truth. Anything is a possibility.

 

You're also taking the last part too far. On that token I could say you're a mind reader who's able to predict how every circumstance turns out.

 

I'm not sure why you're getting riled up. You're entitled to your opinion. I'm entitled to disagree with it.

 

I'm not riled up, I just called you out for what I felt was hypocrisy on your part.

[Legatus]

haha anxiety thinking about commitment.. I haven't heard that one before! Looks like he was happy having you around but not for anything serious, typical egoistic player.

 

I have to say it was your fault to let him back all the time. 3 years is a long time, but well the past is the past - most important thing is that you learnt a lot.

 

I agree with you there's no such thing as commitment phobia.. I for example, didn't commit fully until I was really sure about my ex. Of course it could have been too late, we'll never know, but at least I came through in the end (literally the end haha)...

 

You should have slapped him hard when he said why he didn't invest his time/money into you...

[Never Again]

Well he told me he wanted to go to therapy for it, but never went. His best friend is like that too. Been with the same girl for 6 years and no commitment, and off and on.

 

He said he gets anxiety thinking about commitment and probably will always be single.

 

But then he says "you aren't the one" and then a month later says, "I'm afraid of losing you"

 

As Simon said, he's probably a dime-a-dozen cake-eater.

 

He's making excuses and actively refusing to get help for his so-called "problem". He certainly has an issue, and it's being a jerk.

 

A selfish, callous, manipulative jerk that cares about his wants and needs about your feelings and well being. I get that a lot of guys will find easy marks for sex, but at this point his behavior smacks of a lack of a conscious.

 

Now, everyone gets anxiety thinking about REAL commitment. Well, everyone except those in the throes of chemistry who completely lose their rational minds to their "heart" (HORMONES!)...but those are the people who "just know" and romanticize the idea of love, but who're really just following a prolonged infatuation without allowing the roots of "real love" to find purchase.

 

Back to the point, everyone with a brain gets anxiety thinking about FOREVER. That's a BIG thing. If that doesn't make you anxious, you're not human.

 

My point of view is:

 

When words don't match actions, call them out on it (some people need a reminder). If they don't correct themselves, then their actions are the TRUE reality. Therapy is a scary thing for some people, because it means REALLY admitting that you have a problem (even a small one), but that doesn't excuse letting a problem persist and hurt someone else's life as well as your own.

 

As I've said, my BU shocked me into reality. I've been going to therapy ever since. I should've been going for the 5 months before my BU, but that's my own fault - I thought I was tough enough to fix myself by myself, but turned to mush in the process (nothing turns a guy into an unattractive wussy faster than unresolved emotional baggage that he refuses to confront).

[Simon Phoenix]

Well my ex also said he pushes people away and he never let's anyone in. But I don't understand why someone would do that?

 

He has told me several times that he is a commitment phobe and now he tells me it's just because I wasn't the one. He goes back and forth on the issue. Then I'm sure a month from now he will tell me it's because he was scared. He is so off and on, and THAT is what I'm trying to understand.

 

This is a useless enterprise and just an avenue to more annoyance, frustration, heartbreak and pain. Trying to figure out why another person acts the way they do is a hopeless enterprise. Heck, look at Pastel and I having two completely different interpretations of what his motivations are. Yet both of those roads lead to the same destination -- he's not there for you in the way you need him to be. And there's a decent chance we are both off and it's something completely different from what either one of us described.

 

But no matter what the exact reasoning is, it's not going to work out the way you want it to. Let's pretend for a second that you somehow figure out every variable of what is going through his head. Then what?

 

All of this searching for what everything means is a waste of your time and a waste of your healing. The only description you need is the simplest one -- he's not willing to give you the love you want or the love you deserve. Everything else is colored bubbles, white noise.

[Mondmellonw]

Or in my case:

When a men says you are the one: wait.

[Pastel]

This is a useless enterprise and just an avenue to more annoyance, frustration, heartbreak and pain. Trying to figure out why another person acts the way they do is a hopeless enterprise. Heck, look at Pastel and I having two completely different interpretations of what his motivations are. Yet both of those roads lead to the same destination -- he's not there for you in the way you need him to be. And there's a decent chance we are both off and it's something completely different from what either one of us described.

 

But no matter what the exact reasoning is, it's not going to work out the way you want it to. Let's pretend for a second that you somehow figure out every variable of what is going through his head. Then what?

 

All of this searching for what everything means is a waste of your time and a waste of your healing. The only description you need is the simplest one -- he's not willing to give you the love you want or the love you deserve. Everything else is colored bubbles, white noise.

 

I agree. It's self destructive to put any effort into it. There are SO many other men out there. Men who are willing to put the effort needed into a relationship with you.

 

You seem like you are making progress with this new guy. Don't get sucked back into your ex's mind games.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Honestly, I swear I'm over my ex.

 

It's just part of my nature to have the answers to everything. He tells me I'm not the one, yet doesn't want to lose me. He still wants to see me this Monday and he always wants to kiss and cuddle.

 

I'm moving on. I'm dating a new guy who is much more suited for me. It's not serious or anything, just dating.

 

And I don't see anything wrong with being a friend to my ex. If we both don't like each other that way, why not?

[Never Again]

And I don't see anything wrong with being a friend to my ex. If we both don't like each other that way, why not?

 

There's nothing wrong with it EVENTUALLY.

 

The problem now is that you're still looking for answers. What your ex says still matters to you and still bothers you. Even if you're "over" him, you're not ready for friendship.

 

Maybe in time, but not now.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

There's nothing wrong with it EVENTUALLY.

 

The problem now is that you're still looking for answers. What your ex says still matters to you and still bothers you. Even if you're "over" him, you're not ready for friendship.

 

Maybe in time, but not now.

 

Yea you are right.

 

He isn't ready either because he still wants more from me. He doesn't like how I'm dating and it hurts him. But I think it's because he sees me as his property.

 

It's just hard, because I do care about him and I'm so used to having him in my life. I just wish him the best and hope he finds someone more suited for him.

[Simon Phoenix]

You'll be over him when you have no interest in deciphering his motivations. And you trying to be friends with this man is another example of you trying to unnecessarily reinvent the wheel.