When a man says "you're not the one", believe him.

[wistfulgirl]

I'm still very "on the fence" when it comes to commitment phobia. If anyone has read my threads it may be very easy to write it off as not "the one", but the guy I was seeing ended things with me twice, both times at their most intense point (not just in my imagination, but when things became "real") and has a history of ending relationships, usually at about the 2 month mark when things start to get serious and there are expectations involved.

 

I'm married (have heard it all so please don't bash me!) and have been with my H nearly 15 years, and this was first actual A that got went that far (sex and "I love you" convs) but have been emotionally distant from my H for many years, and completely petrified at the thought of getting pregnant due to the lifelong commitment this represents. Maybe I'm the commitment phobic one, or xAP, or both. From reading lots about the subject people with "active" and "passive" commitment conflicts tend to be attracted to each other as mirrors their own issues and fears back to them.

 

 

My xAP is now in a relationship, and had said he wanted to change so went OLD to find "the one". He's been with her now for 5mths, so longer than usual, but time will tell if his issues crop up again, or if I end up falling for someone else in time to avoid fully emotionally committing to my H... Xxx

[Sugarkane]

So he knew you weren't the one, but kept seeing you and coming back? What a jerk. I would've said good riddance.

[pickflicker]

Yea you are right.

 

He isn't ready either because he still wants more from me. He doesn't like how I'm dating and it hurts him. But I think it's because he sees me as his property.

 

It's just hard, because I do care about him and I'm so used to having him in my life. I just wish him the best and hope he finds someone more suited for him.

 

So you're still on the merry-go-round with this guy? That's disappointing. 3 years wasted already, and more to come.

[Sugarkane]

There's nothing wrong with it EVENTUALLY.

 

The problem now is that you're still looking for answers. What your ex says still matters to you and still bothers you. Even if you're "over" him, you're not ready for friendship.

 

Maybe in time, but not now.

 

Who would want to be friends with someone so flaky anyway?

[iris219]

Some people really do have commitment issues that have nothing to do with you or anyone else. No one on this planet will ever get them to commit because commitment is too scary. They can't be truly vulnerable and commitment isn't what they want. They try to fake it to keep people around until that person starts making demands they can't meet. Then they bolt.

 

My ex is almost 40 and, despite being a very good looking, intelligent, and successful, he has never had a serious relationship, his choice entirely. I doubt he ever will.

[Sandy99]

I think commitment phobia is a real thing. You find this out if you have male friends who always have a different girlfriend or male relatives that do the same thing. But I don't know if the term should necessarily be commitment phobia, but rather lover of being single. There are definitely people out there who prefer short term relationships and low levels of commitment. The problem is sometimes these people are not honest that this is what they are looking for and they string people along. Sometimes these same people like to think if they met "the one" then they will all of a sudden want to commit, but the reality is that they truly prefer superficial relationships. That's why you really have to survey who you are dating, listen to their history, think about what they are saying. Some men, however, are very convincing and early on they imply they want commitment, but really in the end they they prefer the chase and not really getting to know anybody. There are in fact people like this.

 

It might also be timing. Down the road they might want commitment, but at this time deep down they just love not being in a committed relationship. Don't blame yourself if you meet somebody like this. But look hard for all the red flags early on. They are most likely there. But, like I said, some men are really trying to convince you that those aren't red flags you are seeing, but that the right person hasn't come along yet. But then again look how fast they get over your relationship. They'll be right back out there and having a great time. That's a person who loves being single....not necessarily a commitment phobic.

[BC1980]

Be careful Cotton. I tried to rationalize being friendly with my ex for months. I thought I could handle it. Just tread carefully. Based on your history with this guy, I would recommend you expunge him completely from your life. You actually have the potential to offer someone a good relationship if you get yourself together and focus on yourself. I hate to see you go back down this road.

[Appleness]

Everyone so far has made a good point but the bottom line is this: regardless of whether he's a commitment-phobe or if she wasn't the one, it comes down to NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY.

 

Yep, I said it.

 

"I can't/won't commit" = I can't help it; it's not in my nature; I don't how, etc.

blah, blah, blah. Really? At one point in his life, I'm sure he couldn't (and probably didn't want to) put on his own pants either. Grow the eff up. You want to be an adult and have adult relationships? Learn commitment. It's not just a love thing; it's a maturity thing. Do these same people assume that if they couldn't "commit" to paying back money they spent, they'd ever qualify for a credit card or be able to get a mortgage? NO. Certain privileges (such as being with someone) come with responsibility. Man up or get lost.

 

As for the other excuse of "you're not The One", it's even worse. That's like someone being a horrible driver and saying that they only crashed their car because it wasn't the right car. As in, if one day, out of nowhere they got a free Maserati, they would suddenly become a excellent driver who takes great care of the car when currently they don't even know how to put gas in. *NEWS FLASH* Meeting the right person doesn't magically transform you into the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, there are people who seemingly do a 180, but most cases it's not sustainable long term or if it is, these people are the rare exception. Many a time, if they were too cheap to buy you flowers, too lazy to take you out, and too self-absorbed to cherish you then they will be like that to the next few people they date too. They will only change when they realize that they are the common weak link in all their relationships.

 

Personally, I don't believe in the whole "the one" thing just because I've crunched the numbers statistically (and trust me, it's pretty depressing). I think that there's a threshold of "this person is good enough for me to give this try". Have I been guilty of holding on longer than I should of? Of course! It's just life though. Don't take responsibility for something that's outside of your control. Learn to assert your boundaries and to be strong enough to take things at face value. If commitment is important to you, then accept nothing less. Then maybe one day, someone will truly see you as the beautiful, strong woman that you are and let you know that you are "The One". Good luck

[Charlie Harper]

Commitment phones are basically immature people, with enough selfishness to believe that they can't settle because deep inside they know they are not enough, so they get fear out of insecurity.

Also a lot of them have this very shallow way of seeing life/afection, so when they hit their "floor" they get anxious and stressed, so they blame the other....

 

Avoid them like the plague, (bad thing they are quite abundant)

[DontBreakEven]

Honestly, I swear I'm over my ex.

 

It's just part of my nature to have the answers to everything. He tells me I'm not the one, yet doesn't want to lose me. He still wants to see me this Monday and he always wants to kiss and cuddle.

 

I'm moving on. I'm dating a new guy who is much more suited for me. It's not serious or anything, just dating.

 

And I don't see anything wrong with being a friend to my ex. If we both don't like each other that way, why not?

 

Because not less than 6 weeks ago you posted about potentially ending your life over the pain of the breakup. You are on here posting about it still. You are not anywhere near over anyone.

[KatZee]

Because not less than 6 weeks ago you posted about potentially ending your life over the pain of the breakup. You are on here posting about it still. You are not anywhere near over anyone.

 

Agreed. She's only "over" the ex because now she has someone new who's taken that place. If this guy didn't work out she'd be back to pining over the ex again.

 

The fact that you are still so obsessed with who, what, where, when, why and are honestly considering being "friends" with this moron, only reinforces how not over him you are.

 

I still don't have answers about my ex. And to be quite honest, I couldn't care less. I don't give a s.hit enough about him to go digging for answers, and even if he came sniffing around offering those answers to me, I'd go and tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. I would have no time or interest in engaging with someone who treated me so horribly.

 

Do you treat YOUR friends the way he treated you? Do you honestly believe that's how friends treat each other? He's really a "FRIEND" to you??

 

Friends don't intentionally hurt each other, use each other, disrespect each other, tell them they don't love them, tell them they're looking for tighter p.ussy, intentionally leave them out of their lives, and so on and so forth.

 

This is not a friend. It's some twisted sociopathic, emotionally unavailable douchebag.

[jennifermariecole]

^^ what she said.

[jennifermariecole]

Also, I'm not sure if anyone else has said this already, but you can look at this in 2 ways:

 

1) Commitmentphobia doesn't exist. You simply weren't the one. Regardless, to 99% of us here, he sounds like an emotionally unavailable douchebag. Do you even WANT to be the one? Can you imagine what a life with a man like that would be like? If that's appealing to you, you need to take a closer look at yourself to figure out what makes you want someone who treats you with so little respect. Someone who knew you weren't the one the whole time, and who used you anyway.

 

2) Commitmentphobia DOES exist, and he is using something about you as an excuse to justify why he ended the relationship. CPs often pick up on a tiny little thing to make them think that you're 'not the one' when really, the issue lies with them. They just don't want commitment. They can use anything - you have curly hair and he wants someone with straight hair, you're curvy and he wants someone thin, you're ambitious and he wants someone who will quit her job to stay home with the kids. Then, with the next girl, who's got straight hair, is skinny and has ambitions of being a stay at home mum - suddenly he wants curly hair, curvy and someone with a bit more of a career.. you know? He's changed his mind about it all. And that's because they were poorly-veiled excuses not to commit in the first place.

 

Also, 'the one' is a bunch of bull****. We don't live in a Disney film, and there isnt a Prince Charming waiting for us at the end of a long road of challenging obstacles. They know this deep down.