Waverly Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Does it ever work, in the absence of a D-Day? Can people really go back to their marriages and make it work for the sake of being with their kids, without having to really confront what was wrong in their marriage in the first place? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 how do you know they don't confront what could be wrong in their marriage? If you read the infidelity board, you will see there are lots of people in a marriage who didn't believe there were problems in the marriage. A person who cheats has an issue - that doesn't mean the marriage is bad or has issues. It means the person has issues. I think some other women believe the nonsense about staying for the kids. This isn't the 1950's - kids today are accustomed to divorce and blended families. I think a person who uses the "staying for the sake of the kids" is just saying that so they don't have to hurt their affair partner by stating they don't love the affair partner enough to end the marriage. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Waverly Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 how do you know they don't confront what could be wrong in their marriage? If you read the infidelity board, you will see there are lots of people in a marriage who didn't believe there were problems in the marriage. A person who cheats has an issue - that doesn't mean the marriage is bad or has issues. It means the person has issues. I think some other women believe the nonsense about staying for the kids. This isn't the 1950's - kids today are accustomed to divorce and blended families. I think a person who uses the "staying for the sake of the kids" is just saying that so they don't have to hurt their affair partner by stating they don't love the affair partner enough to end the marriage. Thanks for the reply, jellybean. I guess what I meant about confronting what was wrong in the marriage was more about there not being a D-Day. I haven't had one yet, so I'm being completely hypocritical here, but I feel like, unless I eventually tell my H what I did, we'll never be able to "fix" things. (I in no way mean that he was the issue; the decision to have an A is 100% on me, and trust me, it was a bad one -- I hope my wording makes sense.) In my case, both my xAP and I talked about the kids being the reason it had to end. We live on opposite sides of the country, and both have kids. Short of one of us agreeing to only see our kids once a month or so, or somehow convincing the other parent to do so, there was no way for us to ever actually be together. It's not that I don't think kids adjust to divorce/blended families... it's more that we both made the decision that we couldn't essentially abandon our kids to move across the country to be with each other, or ask their other parent to give up being with them during their childhood. Does that make sense? And, having made that decision, is it feasible to really go back to life as it was in order to make that work? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 My xmw hasn't fixed her M, she never had a dday. I'm sure it ain't gonna get fixed..... If that's how you feel then no, your marriage will never be right Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Can people really go back to their marriages and make it work for the sake of being with their kids, without having to really confront what was wrong in their marriage in the first place? No. A cheating spouse must first address and fix why they chose to cheat instead of choosing a more honorable and honest action. Secondly, assuming that the couple can get past the affair, they both need to have honest discussions about issues in the marriage. ALL marriages can benefit from the second step. ALL marriages have ups and downs. The couples that succeed are the ones in which BOTH of the spouses communicate and work to resolve issues maturely and honestly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tchrgrl Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Oh Waverly, I get it. I am married with 3 kids in a very loveless marriage. The A I was in (just ended from his side, he has no kids and wants to start a family with his wife) showed me how lonely my marriage is but I do want to stay for my kids even if it is 2014! My husband and I don't fight, we just live like roommates which is probably not the best model for my children but I came from parents who cheated and had a horrible divorce. And look how I turned out!!!!! My children's lives would be deeply impacted no matter how adaptable people think children are or how commonplace divorce is. I refuse to potentially be happy with someone else at the expense of their happiness. It does make going back to my marriage even sadder having felt such intense feelings for someone else. I know this probably doesn't help but it's just my opinion... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Waverly Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Oh Waverly, I get it. I am married with 3 kids in a very loveless marriage. The A I was in (just ended from his side, he has no kids and wants to start a family with his wife) showed me how lonely my marriage is but I do want to stay for my kids even if it is 2014! My husband and I don't fight, we just live like roommates which is probably not the best model for my children but I came from parents who cheated and had a horrible divorce. And look how I turned out!!!!! My children's lives would be deeply impacted no matter how adaptable people think children are or how commonplace divorce is. I refuse to potentially be happy with someone else at the expense of their happiness. It does make going back to my marriage even sadder having felt such intense feelings for someone else. I know this probably doesn't help but it's just my opinion... I know I'm the "bad" one here who had an affair... but it throws me into a really dark place sometimes when I think about not only what I've done, but how it will impact so many lives if/when I tell my H, how devastated he will be, plus what I will never be able to have with my xAP because of our circumstances... and if I don't confess, then I panic at the thought of how to make this work anyway. My H and I had issues for years, and A or not, those wouldn't have just gone away. It's all my own doing, so no need for anyone to tell me I deserve this... I know I do. tchrgrl, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you're going through this too, but in a weird way, it does help to know I'm not the only one having to confront all of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 how do you know they don't confront what could be wrong in their marriage? If you read the infidelity board, you will see there are lots of people in a marriage who didn't believe there were problems in the marriage. A person who cheats has an issue - that doesn't mean the marriage is bad or has issues. It means the person has issues. I think some other women believe the nonsense about staying for the kids. This isn't the 1950's - kids today are accustomed to divorce and blended families. I think a person who uses the "staying for the sake of the kids" is just saying that so they don't have to hurt their affair partner by stating they don't love the affair partner enough to end the marriage. I don't agree. Many, many people stay in loveless marriages today exactly for the children. The problem isn't that they don't love their AP enough to leave, more so that they love their children more. Perhaps this is more noted with men as they often have to sacrifice the most where contact is concerned. The 'leaving' partner in the majority of cases gives up seeing the children every morning, evening, weekends and is instead sharing weekends and being disconnected from the everyday highs and lows of parenting that influence the child and creates close bonds and security. Parents that 'leave' their children because of unhappy marriages are considered self centred and are accused of 'abandoning' the children to satisfy their own selfish needs for love and affection. (Plenty of LS posters share that point of view) Not all relationships can be fixed, oh they can be patched, made bearable, and where children are involved I would hazard a guess that this can feel like the best or only option. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) It was working before they strayed. They can be context in a marriage and it last forever without being happy. Edited February 14, 2014 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Personally, I don't think you can 'fix' a marriage with such a monumental lie between you. If you went to marriage counseling, would you lie to both your therapist and your husband about the huge elephant in the room. How do you really dig deep into issues without discussing this? Even if you did manage to fix it, would it really be fixed? What you can do is to take a lot of steps to set yourself up for success in a reconciliation. Just a confession alone doubles your chances of reconciling. If you study up on how to reconcile properly (full disclosure, honesty, transparency, humility, IC, MC) then you greatly increase your odds of not just surviving an affair but also improving your marriage to a point where you have true intimacy. The real problem is that it takes courage. I'm not in the camp that says you need to confess immediately. I think some true introspection is wise before doing so. But I absolutely think it's necessary if you want anything beyond a sham of a marriage that will set the example for your kids in the future. If I were you, I would make the decision that it's the right thing to do to make this confession - set your mind to doing it. Then take steps to get yourself there. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
daisy123 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Does it ever work, in the absence of a D-Day? Can people really go back to their marriages and make it work for the sake of being with their kids, without having to really confront what was wrong in their marriage in the first place? NO, lying is betraying and you do not betray people you love 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Waverly Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Personally, I don't think you can 'fix' a marriage with such a monumental lie between you. If you went to marriage counseling, would you lie to both your therapist and your husband about the huge elephant in the room. How do you really dig deep into issues without discussing this? Even if you did manage to fix it, would it really be fixed? What you can do is to take a lot of steps to set yourself up for success in a reconciliation. Just a confession alone doubles your chances of reconciling. If you study up on how to reconcile properly (full disclosure, honesty, transparency, humility, IC, MC) then you greatly increase your odds of not just surviving an affair but also improving your marriage to a point where you have true intimacy. The real problem is that it takes courage. I'm not in the camp that says you need to confess immediately. I think some true introspection is wise before doing so. But I absolutely think it's necessary if you want anything beyond a sham of a marriage that will set the example for your kids in the future. If I were you, I would make the decision that it's the right thing to do to make this confession - set your mind to doing it. Then take steps to get yourself there. I think you're right. The thought of keeping this secret from my husband for the rest of my life is terrible -- he deserves to know the truth and be able to make a decision about his life. But, yes, it does take courage. Honestly, I'm just not there yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I think you're right. The thought of keeping this secret from my husband for the rest of my life is terrible -- he deserves to know the truth and be able to make a decision about his life. But, yes, it does take courage. Honestly, I'm just not there yet. having made that decision, is it feasible to really go back to life as it was in order to make that work? You can never go back to life as it was, your A and demise of it will have its impact on you and in turn your H whether he knows about it or not. As you've said, YOU know you've betrayed a trust, guilt has a way of eating at you slowly, affecting your behaviour towards your H and children. IC is spoken highly of here and perhaps talking through things with an outsider would help in finding the right way to give your H the truth and build the courage to do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Well we had no DDay and he stayed for the kids. So he says. They are grown into young adults now and are not "their" kids, but his from his prior M. That M was tumultuous and had a horrible D. He wants his kids to see commitment no matter what this time around. We are just friends now who talk. No longer am I wishing and waiting. He says he's absolutely miserable with his W, and that he loves me " and maybe one day...." And goes quiet. He says he's not ready to leave just yet. That's his problem, I'm not "longing" anymore that he leave. I know he won't. As for my M, it is dead. We have both brought up D but haven't made the move. He doesn't know about my 2 year A. It happened after I finally shut down and gave up, after years of begging for attention and companionship that fell on deaf ears. But I too stuck through for the kids. Now they are 17 and almost 19, and I'm just waiting to see what happens in this next stage of life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I think you're right. The thought of keeping this secret from my husband for the rest of my life is terrible -- he deserves to know the truth and be able to make a decision about his life. But, yes, it does take courage. Honestly, I'm just not there yet. And frankly, I can understand that. And I'm obviously a BH. You're right that he deserves to make an informed decision about how to spend the rest of his life, rather than bring tricked into staying with you. Nor do I think you're the kind of person that really can take this to the grave and be happy with yourself or your life. Even if you made it until the kids left the nest, the data shows that older children take divorces harder than younger kids. You will have spent years just to ultimately make it worse. I'd spend some time reading books on affairs. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is like the infidelity bible. Frank Pittman is a great author, too. Time, NC, study, and introspection would probably do a lot for you. You seem to be willing to own your decision to have an affair. Frankly, that's huge towards having the right mindset to reconcile. Your choice is really to dig further into the rabbit hole ( giving yourself a life sentence, really) or begin to dig your way out. People make mistakes. This was a big one. But that doesn't mean you have to keep making that mistake forever. It's really how we respond to our mistakes that defines us the most. Your husband loved you enough to commit the rest of his life to you. I suspect he knows you're human. If you can humbly admit your flaws and commit to improvement, it's possible (and statistically very likely) your husband might just surprise you. Really, what other good options do you have? This is the smart one and I think you know it. Like I said, it's just difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Waverly Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 And frankly, I can understand that. And I'm obviously a BH. You're right that he deserves to make an informed decision about how to spend the rest of his life, rather than bring tricked into staying with you. Nor do I think you're the kind of person that really can take this to the grave and be happy with yourself or your life. Even if you made it until the kids left the nest, the data shows that older children take divorces harder than younger kids. You will have spent years just to ultimately make it worse. I'd spend some time reading books on affairs. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is like the infidelity bible. Frank Pittman is a great author, too. Time, NC, study, and introspection would probably do a lot for you. You seem to be willing to own your decision to have an affair. Frankly, that's huge towards having the right mindset to reconcile. Your choice is really to dig further into the rabbit hole ( giving yourself a life sentence, really) or begin to dig your way out. People make mistakes. This was a big one. But that doesn't mean you have to keep making that mistake forever. It's really how we respond to our mistakes that defines us the most. Your husband loved you enough to commit the rest of his life to you. I suspect he knows you're human. If you can humbly admit your flaws and commit to improvement, it's possible (and statistically very likely) your husband might just surprise you. Really, what other good options do you have? This is the smart one and I think you know it. Like I said, it's just difficult. BetrayedH, thank you for your replies. If I'm being completely honest, this one made me tear up. I know you don't know me from Adam, but the vote of confidence that I can work my way through this means a lot. I know what I did is/was unequivocally wrong, but I don't want it to be the defining choice of my life. If I don't right it, somehow, it will be. Like I said, I'm not there yet, but I hope I'll be strong enough to get there eventually. Thanks again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I would be troubled by what you said in post seven: "plus what I couldn't have with my XAP because of the circumstances" You need to resolve this thought with the thought that your choice to be faithless was a bad one. You talk about your husband needing the truth but what he really needs is a wife committed to the marriage. Work this point out before you try any sort of reconciliation whether it's ostensibly for the children or not. Just sayin', Twosadthings 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Does it ever work, in the absence of a D-Day? Can people really go back to their marriages and make it work for the sake of being with their kids, without having to really confront what was wrong in their marriage in the first place? I hope that people can, although everything that I read on these boards talks about the necessity of disclosure. I fell very hard for my xMM who in the end said that he couldn't leave his kid and was staying for her. No dday for him yet that I know of. Broke my heart to know that I finally found someone who loved me and he just walked away without (seemingly) considering other options. I get that I sound selfish and I have no idea if he was lying to me or maybe he did consider other options but just didn't share that with me, or maybe he really didn't love me or maybe he just loved his daughter more or maybe his marriage wasn't as bad as he said it was or who knows? Maybe since I'm not married and don't have kids, I just can't understand. I guess that none of it matters, except that I hope that his daughter is happy & healthy. I'll still always wonder why people get involved with others in the first place if they can't or won't leave their marriage because of the kids. I was naive when I began dating him and should have bailed as soon as I learned he was married. But then again I hadn't read these boards to know how cliche it all is and how I was headed for heartache and zero self-esteem. However, I wish you the best, Waverly, in sorting out your situation and doing what you think is best for your children. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Try and be kind to yourself despite your mistakes. It pained me to read how you called yourself "bad" and similar terms. A mistake doesn't make you a bad person. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 BetrayedH, thank you for your replies. If I'm being completely honest, this one made me tear up. I know you don't know me from Adam, but the vote of confidence that I can work my way through this means a lot. I know what I did is/was unequivocally wrong, but I don't want it to be the defining choice of my life. If I don't right it, somehow, it will be. Like I said, I'm not there yet, but I hope I'll be strong enough to get there eventually. Thanks again. You're welcome. I'll do my best not to harp on you. I generally try to steer clear of this forum unless I see a true crisis of conscience and your posts resonated with me. I think this is a good thing to work thru in IC. Intellectually and ethically, you know the right thing. It's fear that holds you back and that's a strong motivator. It also happens to typically be a subject of which therapists are well-versed. I also agree with Twosadthings. Your H won't want to be your back-up plan. I'm not a big fan of the term 'affair fog' but I do believe that with time, you may come to see that relationship with less rose colored glasses. Affairs tend to be much like engaging in fantasy. In reality, your AP would come with flaws and the limerence would wear off, much like I suspect it did with your husband. Some say a PA is 'worse' than a long-distance EA. But I'm not so sure. It's nearly impossible for your husband to compete with a fantasy. Keep in mind that your H is actually here and while imperfect, he's planning everything in his life around you and your children. That's real. Good luck. Hit me up if you need support. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Does it ever work, in the absence of a D-Day? Can people really go back to their marriages and make it work for the sake of being with their kids, without having to really confront what was wrong in their marriage in the first place? Yes people can. It depends on their personality. Some people are so avoidant that it causes them more anxiety to address issues than rug sweeping or going with the motions. Some people, like me, simply don't do well with that and it eventually comes out. I know I could never have an affair or at least have one go undetected simply because I don't have what it takes to lead a double life well and I'm also very frank about what is bugging me when I'm in a relationship and am the type to address our issues head on. I also wear my emotions pretty transparently so it would just be so obvious. However, some people are better at compartmentalizing and faking it. It depends on what work means though? Are you asking if they stay married and never divorce or are you asking if they have a fulfilling and satisfying marriage in spite of keeping the A a secret? It can go both ways. Some people aren't found out and have a happy marriage maybe, but one built on lies and some stay but their marriage is no different. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Does it ever work, in the absence of a D-Day? Can people really go back to their marriages and make it work for the sake of being with their kids, without having to really confront what was wrong in their marriage in the first place? I think it depends on "what was wrong", and how you define "work". People can suffer through and stick it out, which may be good enough to consider "making it work" by some people's standards; others would only consider it to "work" if both parties considered the R fulfilling, and chances are that would be unlikely IMO without addressing the issues. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Waverly, just for a moment, consider the post at the top of the page by poloshedheadon. What was your reaction to what he wrote? Did your stomach churn for His Wife?! She may have no idea that in a few years she's going to be left high and dry by Her H who could care less about her or their M. It's honestly one of the saddest things I've read. From your posts, you sound waaay better than this. Whether you decide to stay or go. Be open with Your BS so they can plan accordingly* 6 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 how do you know they don't confront what could be wrong in their marriage? If you read the infidelity board, you will see there are lots of people in a marriage who didn't believe there were problems in the marriage. A person who cheats has an issue - that doesn't mean the marriage is bad or has issues. It means the person has issues. I think some other women believe the nonsense about staying for the kids. This isn't the 1950's - kids today are accustomed to divorce and blended families. I think a person who uses the "staying for the sake of the kids" is just saying that so they don't have to hurt their affair partner by stating they don't love the affair partner enough to end the marriage. This is a joke, right? SO many WS stay for the kids. Lot's of people who DON'T have affairs stay for the kids, then separate once they are grown. I don't think lack of love for the affair partner has much to do with it. I do understand how you need to tell yourself this, but you would be mistaken. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Stay for the kids. .. I think that the BS & OW/OM will CHOOSE whichever "reason" suits their view of the A best. The one who knows for sure is the cheating spouse* 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 This is a joke, right? SO many WS stay for the kids. Lot's of people who DON'T have affairs stay for the kids, then separate once they are grown. I don't think lack of love for the affair partner has much to do with it. I do understand how you need to tell yourself this, but you would be mistaken. 'Staying for the kids' is also a great one-liner of an excuse to keep seeing both women. It's just about perfect because it garners such sympathy from the OW (aw, what a great guy) and he doesn't have to do a damn thing but speak the words. Works for years. Classic. And not a joke. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts