"staying for the kids"

[Waverly]

Twosadthings: I just wrote a whole long reply. But the summary will probably suffice: you're right. 100%.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Waverly

[goodyblue]

'Staying for the kids' is also a great one-liner of an excuse to keep seeing both women. It's just about perfect because it garners such sympathy from the OW (aw, what a great guy) and he doesn't have to do a damn thing but speak the words. Works for years. Classic. And not a joke.

 

And all the men who don't have affairs? They say it... why?

[BetrayedH]

And all the men who don't have affairs? They say it... why?

 

I don't have a lot of experience with faithful men that say they're just staying for the kids. None, actually.

 

What I can say is that there are a crapton of women here that can attest to their 'boyfriend' saying they were staying with their wife 'for the sake of the kids' only to discover that their boyfriend was not actually sleeping in a separate bedroom, separated, divorced or whatever other manipulative bullcrap excuse that was handed to them but were, in fact, in a perfectly normal marriage and just said that crap because, well, it works. It sucks but it's true and it's not funny.

[goodyblue]

LMAO! Betrayed, are you really telling me that NOBODY stays together for the children? Shiz, there are people ON THIS FORUM that stayed AFTER A BETRAYAL to keep the family together! FOR THE CHILDREN. Give me just the smallest break.

[BetrayedH]

LMAO! Betrayed, are you really telling me that NOBODY stays together for the children? Shiz, there are people ON THIS FORUM that stayed AFTER A BETRAYAL to keep the family together! FOR THE CHILDREN. Give me just the smallest break.

 

Nice change of subject. Let's not put words in my mouth. We're talking past one another, as usual. Threadjack over.

[goodyblue]

Lol. I was making a point that people DO stay for the children. I know, I know, you don't like to hear it. But they DO. Interesting you say that WS's say it to get what they want, that you've never heard it from a man that was not part of an affair, but when I bring up that it happens here with BS'S, you cringe. Hm... And yeah, not really a threadjack, but whatever.

[rumbleseat]

LMAO! Betrayed, are you really telling me that NOBODY stays together for the children? Shiz, there are people ON THIS FORUM that stayed AFTER A BETRAYAL to keep the family together! FOR THE CHILDREN. Give me just the smallest break.

 

 

Hmmm....if we take you at your word, these are bs who are trying to find a reason to stay after they have had their hearts broken. If you equate this with his a ws feels then I would seriously question your understanding of how a bs feels.

 

As to the OP, staying for the kids is not really a reason to maintain a M unless both spouses know that is the only reason they are staying together and agree that it is the right thing to do. Otherwise, there will likely be a lot of tension, which the kids may well pick up on.

[goodyblue]

Betrayed said this:

 

 

What I can say is that there are a crapton of women here that can attest to their 'boyfriend' saying they were staying with their wife 'for the sake of the kids' only to discover that their boyfriend was not actually sleeping in a separate bedroom, separated, divorced or whatever other manipulative bullcrap excuse that was handed to them but were, in fact, in a perfectly normal marriage and just said that crap because, well, it works. It sucks but it's true and it's not funny.

 

As if MM are the only ones who say this. Well, it's not true. Married men who have not had affairs often stay in unhappy marriages strictly to be there for their children also. When he argued that wasn't true, I stated several BS's here stayed for exactly that reason. How often do we hear "If it weren't for the children, I'd be gone".

 

It doesn't matter what Bs is thinking. What matters is IT HAPPENS. It happens across the spectrum. But you have just kind of shown me how funny it is how we make concessions for ourselves. It's okay for BS's to do that because... whatever reason you choose.

 

I don't condemn anyone for doing it. I'm simply saying it happens, and when MM say it, they are not necessarily lying. That was my one and only point.

[txgrl]

I think my child was the glue bw H and I and our kids still are . I do think that with effort and sincerity, the M can be at a healthy place . Love will come too .

 

Why is staying for the kids a bad reason ? These are HIS kids too . In loving them and staying for them , part of you loves him and stays for him too .

 

Just my opinion

[goodyblue]

I think my child was the glue bw H and I and our kids still are . I do think that with effort and sincerity, the M can be at a healthy place . Love will come too .

 

Why is staying for the kids a bad reason ? These are HIS kids too . In loving them and staying for them , part of you loves him and stays for him too .

 

Just my opinion

 

Tx,

 

I don't think it is a bad thing. I am simply stating that it happens. It's okay that it does. People stay in relationships for a myriad of reasons. Who is to say which is proper and correct?

 

If it makes you happy and fulfilled, that is what mattes. I am certainly not belittling your commitment to your marriage, for whatever reason.

[BetrayedH]

Lol. I was making a point that people DO stay for the children. I know, I know, you don't like to hear it. But they DO. Interesting you say that WS's say it to get what they want, that you've never heard it from a man that was not part of an affair, but when I bring up that it happens here with BS'S, you cringe. Hm... And yeah, not really a threadjack, but whatever.

 

I'm aware that you were saying that some people stay together for the children. I don't actually disagree. Jellybean's post asserted that that line is a crock full o shi.t. You asked if that was a joke. I said, no, it's not a joke and that we see it all the time. In essence, we are both correct. Sometimes people do stay for the kids. And sometimes it's just a line used to keep an AP from asking for more. You don't need to type things IN ALL CAPS that I didn't even say or 'LOL' to them and pretend you're winning an argument.

 

I'm not sure why you would think I wouldn't like to hear that people stay together for the kids. I did not 'cringe' and I have nothing invested in that conversation. I am divorced and so my WS and I didn't 'stay' at all. Perhaps you can explain more why I wouldn't want to hear it. I suspect you're assuming that my WS stayed and that my poor little heart just couldn't take the thought of her only staying for the kids. You'd be wrong.

 

And sadly, this all is a threadjack because jellybean's comment has to do with what a WS says to an AP (and whether or not it's just an excuse) and that is not the subject at hand for the OP. But I guess you win that argument, too, with powerful statements such as 'whatever.'

 

My apologies, Waverly. This is why I tend to steer clear and often regret it when I don't.

Edited February 16, 2014 by BetrayedH

[cozycottagelg]

I completely get the "staying for the kids" thing...it's the reason I'm still married.

 

No infidelity in my marriage...but I'm definitely still there because of the kids.

 

I don't think it's necessarily a line by MM or MW to string someone along, I think it's the truth. A OW can hear it and call it an excuse, but is there a greater excuse to get than staying for the kids? I'd almost rather that than someone who up and leaves the family for their AP.

 

I don't judge anyone in an affair, and I think (probably naively) that in the realm of affairs, they never "intend" on getting that serious. I think the problems start when people begin to future fake. That's when feelings start getting involved and emotions are in overdrive.

 

Polyhedron gets a lot of crap on this board, rightfully so I suppose, but at least the women he is sleeping with know what's up. I'd prefer to see that than to see someone start professing love and talking about future plans with absolutely no intention of following through..

 

Idk..I'm rambling.

[ladydesigner]

Betrayed said this:

When he argued that wasn't true, I stated several BS's here stayed for exactly that reason. How often do we hear "If it weren't for the children, I'd be gone".

 

I actually feel this way because it would have been easier to leave and start over with no strings attaching you to the other person for 18 years. Initially I stayed for the kids, but over time my feelings have grown more for staying for me and for my WH and for us. So I have to say in the beginning right after Dday it was only because of the kids that I did not make any rash decisions I might regret later.

[BetrayedH]

I actually feel this way because it would have been easier to leave and start over with no strings attaching you to the other person for 18 years. Initially I stayed for the kids, but over time my feelings have grown more for staying for me and for my WH and for us. So I have to say in the beginning right after Dday it was only because of the kids that I did not make any rash decisions I might regret later.

 

I'm sure there's some real truth to this. There's no doubt that kids complicate the decision. I did my best to make decisions about staying because of the love for my wife. Then again, when I realized that the concept of staying was no longer about any love for my wife but truly only because of the kids, I resolved to divorce and have never regretted that decision.

[jwi71]

Does it ever work, in the absence of a D-Day? Can people really go back to their marriages and make it work for the sake of being with their kids, without having to really confront what was wrong in their marriage in the first place?

 

Well...define "work".

 

Does it mean... not end in D...well then sure.

Does it mean...live happily ever after with unicorns and rainbows...then not so much.

Dos it mean...be like YOUR M now...

 

Would you say that any of those above are working? Well all appear to be working in some sense but until I understand what you mean by 'work'...its hard to say.

 

In fact...I made this somewhat pointed to drive home the need to understand what 'working' really is.

 

So...OP...what is a working M?

 

Is it measure by a sole criteria? What criteria is that?

Multiple measurements? What are those and must all be met or just some percentage? What percentage?

 

I think you will agree that your M isn't "working" (see above). Apparently not for some time. How does staying and doing nothing different from days past change that?

 

Do you believe your children are clueless to the state of the M? That they don't pick up on the 100 subtle clues given off daily by BOTH their parents?

Is your M working for THEM? Do you believe his children fare any differently from your own in that regard?

 

Because I tend to think...that parents who "stay for the kids" do a grave disservice to them (themselves and their spouses, AP's (if applicable) and just about everyone else really) - essentially hiding behind them for fear of change. Which is what is going on here...fear of change. Not staying for the kids in some perverted farce of martyrdom. Not tremendously brave behavior. Or healthy.

 

D does not irrevocably destroy their future.

Now, I admit my info here is dated...a few years old from when I was doing child therapy with my kids through D...and the thing that my IC, MC and child play therapist all agreed on was this: D has, per research at that time (~2009), no meaningful statistical impact on "good" vs "bad" outcomes of children who from D or not. One more time...it didn't matter. Rather, what mattered was happy, loving and INVOLVED parents. No, I don't have copies of it but feel free to google or ask your IC,MC or child therapist.

 

But I believe it to be true. My kids did just fine. Straight A's and well adjusted and almost straight A's and I swear queen of school. Other D parents I have met report the same...kids are ok.

 

So what is gained by "staying for the kids"?

Only the same comfortable, perversely, life and M before. The same "working" M and "functional" parenting. Whatever 'working' and 'functional' mean. Sweep it under the rug whilst telling our children to never do such.

 

How or even WHY would anyone choose that for ANYONE is beyond me.

 

So...to answer your Q...no, I don't think it 'works'.

Its cowardice at its best and at its worst - harmful to all involved.

My .02

[EverySunset]

I can only speak for myself.

 

I left because of my daughter. My STBXH became a drinker. Cruel. Neglectful of us all, even himself. Angry, and a serial cheater.

 

Even if I didn't think enough of myself, I thought enough of her when he went over the top to get out.

 

I want her to see what a real marriage can be. Until then, single and happier. More loving, less sad and broken. Maybe with my next H....

[Nattie]

I don't agree.

Many, many people stay in loveless marriages today exactly for the children.

The problem isn't that they don't love their AP enough to leave, more so that they love their children more.

Perhaps this is more noted with men as they often have to sacrifice the most where contact is concerned. The 'leaving' partner in the majority of cases gives up seeing the children every morning, evening, weekends and is instead sharing weekends and being disconnected from the everyday highs and lows of parenting that influence the child and creates close bonds and security.

 

Parents that 'leave' their children because of unhappy marriages are considered

self centred and are accused of 'abandoning' the children to satisfy their own selfish needs for love and affection. (Plenty of LS posters share that point of view)

Not all relationships can be fixed, oh they can be patched, made bearable, and where children are involved I would hazard a guess that this can feel like the best or only option.

 

Exactly this. I wouldn't say I have an unhappy or loveless marriage, but I'm not someone who should be married. I wanted to separate a few years ago (before I even knew MM) and be alone, but my mother more or less told me I was a POS parent, selfish, and that I should shut up and deal with it until my children are grown. She made me feel terrible.

[jellybean89]

This is a joke, right? SO many WS stay for the kids. Lot's of people who DON'T have affairs stay for the kids, then separate once they are grown. I don't think lack of love for the affair partner has much to do with it. I do understand how you need to tell yourself this, but you would be mistaken.

 

Why are you so angry? I don't know a single person who has 'stayed for the kids' and the majority of my friends are in 2nd marriages so I post about my actual life experiences and my experiences have shown me that "many" WS's do not stay for the kids. I see that as just another excuse cheaters use to not be with their 'soulmate'. Just my opinion - and you don't have to agree with it; but you also don't get to belittle my reply. Why are you so angry? I personally have no idea why you think I would need to tell myself this... why are you so angry and defensive? It's an opinion. Nothing more.

 

Lol. I was making a point that people DO stay for the children. I know, I know, you don't like to hear it. But they DO. Interesting you say that WS's say it to get what they want, that you've never heard it from a man that was not part of an affair, but when I bring up that it happens here with BS'S, you cringe. Hm... And yeah, not really a threadjack, but whatever.

 

again, why are you so angry? why do you feel the need to belittle others views?

[WasOtherWoman]

If you ask my husband, he would tell you that he stayed in the last ten years of his twenty year marriage for his kids. His then-wife had an affair, he decided that he was not going to be a weekend dad and told her they would be getting a divorce as soon as the last child left.

 

He moved out two days after his son left for college. My step daughter has been happily married for a long time now, with kids of her own. My step son is soon to be married. We haven't discussed this for many years now, but I believe that he would say he feels he made the right decision and stuck by his obligation to his kids.

[ComingInHot]

Jellybean, I think GoodyBlue explained herself on page two. I'm not necessarily in agreement with her BUT in her experience and with her H's exOW there is some sincere animosity. I Know... CIH defending the ow again yet she did write that she knows she comes across that way and kind of why... t/j sorry.

 

I REALLY Like how Lady designer said it**