WW still stalking OM online..

[Compulsive Musician]

Ok, so Happy Valentines Day everyone (colloquially known as 'Singles Awareness Day).

 

So, it's been over a year since DDay, and I have kept silent and cautious tabs on CD.

 

Phone records, emails, recent file access on computers/phone, multiple program histories, login times, etc. Not obsessively, but often enough.

 

-Not a single month- has gone by that CD hasn't checked LinkedIn, Google+, Google searches, Facebook, and reoccurring searches in her email for any remaining bits.

 

She's not friends with him anywhere, so she checks photos and such on his family's various fB profiles. The guy is a recluse who jerks it in his parent's house every day. He's a ghost online. Super private guy. There's nothing to be found. I can say with fair certainty that her year of searches have yielded the SAME RESULTS: practically nothing (outside of family fB pics).

 

I've been patient. For multiple reasons. Not the least of which has been hesitation to reveal the presence or methods of my surveillance.

 

I hadn't checked in since before Christmas. I checked out her computer, and she did multiple searches for him January 10th, January 24th, and February 11th. On all the above. Roughly every two weeks.

 

Now the thing is, I know her searches yield no results. I'm of the mind enough is enough.

 

This is either pain-seeking, or pining, and NEITHER are acceptable choices in my book. She says she's still has 'moments of weakness when she wonders 'why'.

 

I see this as a breach of NC (albeit a low level one). She SWEARS she hasn't contacted him, and by the way I read her, I think she's probably telling the truth.

 

I don't know what more to say. I confronted her and told her I was sick of it, I've been MORE than patient enough. If she -ever- does it again, I'll consider it a full breach of NC, and we're done. Recovering as it is, I'm still on the fence enough in our relationship that this is close to deal breaker status.

 

This ridiculous obsession with 'Why me' is a stupidly simple answer, and she just WON'T GET OVER IT. I feel like it just hides in corners between happy times. He was looking for an easy piece of ass, she was looking for validation, the affair was fun until it all came crashing down. The end. There's nothing more, really. I feel like she's choosing to make a storybook drama point out of something that's ultimately, really straightforward. Like she's looking for some ever deeper meaning to why a sex-obsessed man liked having sex with a woman who was willing to do whatever. I don't get it, save that of one thing.

 

I see this behavior as a choice to continue the connection with Douche (one-sided as it may be), and it is unacceptable for true R.

 

I told her that while I understand she's working through her own stuff, taking ANY time out of her life to find ANY information about Douche is not healthy or helpful. Though one cannot turn off their thoughts, ACTING on them is entirely different. The goal should be to never wonder about ANYTHING to do with him again.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable (neither does she, for the record). Thoughts?

[peruano99]

Did she apologize for stalking the OM ? also How did your friend as you said is a recluse got your wife to sleep with him?

[Compulsive Musician]

She did apologize.

 

Douche was my best friend for 15 years. Naturally, there was lots of social cross-over, even for someone who's pretty private.

[lolablue17]

Her thoughts belong to HER! every man\woman has their private fantasies, imagination, private thought ect...

Her time on the computer is also private (as long as it remains NC). she can search information about him, she can write songs, diary, etc...

 

What you are trying to do is to control her mind - YOU CANT! EVER!

 

yes, she thinks of him here and there. yes. sometimes she misses him, yes yes yes...

 

you can leave, or stay and accept that. you cannot fight it.

if you're gonna stay - just drop it. that is my advice.

[Compulsive Musician]

Incorrect.

 

Let me put it this way.

 

Writing poetry, diary entries, music, dancing.... releases of that tension. Use of creativity as a vehicle for self reflection, discovery, and growth. That's great. That's healthy.

 

Actively seeking information about how he's doing now, on a pretty regular basis, doesn't seem like commitment to distance from the AP.

[janedoe67]

Her thoughts belong to HER! every man\woman has their private fantasies, imagination, private thought ect...

Her time on the computer is also private (as long as it remains NC). she can search information about him, she can write songs, diary, etc...

 

What you are trying to do is to control her mind - YOU CANT! EVER!

 

yes, she thinks of him here and there. yes. sometimes she misses him, yes yes yes...

 

you can leave, or stay and accept that. you cannot fight it.

if you're gonna stay - just drop it. that is my advice.

 

Ummm WRONG

 

Every time she does this she is breaking NC

[AlwaysGrowing]

This would be a huge setback, if not an outright deal breaker.

 

It shows a complete lack of control. And for you, are you R with your wife or OMXGF, because her actions are that of an XGF.

 

All a WS has in the aftermath is the opportunity to show that their words ARE congruent with their actions. Failing that, who? what? why? Would you be R with? Why would a BS, or anyone, invest in someone who knowingly breaks the words the speak, as they speak them? It would be pointless.

 

You can not trust someone who has no self-control. Working towards any goal in the relationship will always be one-sided. In the wake of infidelity a BS NEEDS a strong WS, one who is committed to doing the right thing.

 

I agree, that even though your WS feels justified and hides behind "I get weak", it is still no excuse. I also agree with your assessment of the affair, and your WW looking to spin it into gold.

[harrybrown]

I am so sorry.

 

This must feel like a kick in the teeth.

 

Hope you still have a happy valentine's day?

 

Actions speak louder than words. After the pain of D-day, I would have thought that she would realize how much of a better man that you are than the OM. You were still there after the painful comments she made on D-day.

 

The OM will cheat with her and cheat on her. Did she explain her actions? I also thought she realized what a blessing she had for a second chance with you.

 

Hope you two will figure this out, but I do not know how much more you can take.

 

I do not understand.

[Fluttershy]

This is far too frequent to be healthy. If it happened for example after 8 months NC two days in a row and then not again for like another month or so and then never again (only an example) that would be different than this frequency. She hasn't let go of him in her heart. I am sorry to break this to you.

 

The reason is simple. She has had sex with two men. She was inexperienced even though her mind though she was experienced. So essentially she has bonded to her AP and has not broke that bond by cutting him oit of her mind. It isn't because she doesn't love you or loves him. It is because she is immature.

 

You guys have tried to go at this alone and that os where you have went wrong. Your wife is too inexperienced and immature. She needs to be in IC asap or have a wise female mentor in her life. And I would suggest MC.

 

There is a chance she wants him to reach out to her. So she can either have him back or shut him down. She may feel turning him down will sever the bond she has to him.

 

The one poster is right in the fact you can't change how she think or feels. Only she can and she may need help with that.

[katielee]

CM: this would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

I'm his one and only or I'll give him the gift of being single and he can look all he wants.

[Clay]

This is not something I handle well. Its been a year and she is still looking for him. I don't know about you but I think I would be looking for the exit in this relationship. I don't mean to be harsh. I have seen her post on this web site and she seems like a really nice person. I just have seen this pattern in my past from my xW. She cheated on me over and over the course of 10 years. Most of it was just EA's but they still tore me up over and over. It does neither one of you any good if your not both 100% committed to this relationship.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[goodyblue]

Do you two read one another's posts on this forum?

[Compulsive Musician]

Yes, though with much less frequency on my end.

[Bryanp]

Sadly she is sending a clear message to you and it is not good. If the roles were reversed I am sure that she would continually feel disrespected, humiliated and very very sad. I think for many this would be indeed a deal-breaker. She would not put up with it from you so why are you? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.

[lolablue17]

Actively seeking information about how he's doing now, on a pretty regular basis, doesn't seem like commitment to distance from the AP.

 

OK. You are right! she is not totally commited to distance from the AP.

you won your case in this forum court house.

 

Now what? divorce?

Edited February 15, 2014 by lolablue17
mistake

[road]

Her thoughts belong to HER! every man\woman has their private fantasies, imagination, private thought ect...

Her time on the computer is also private (as long as it remains NC). she can search information about him, she can write songs, diary, etc...

 

What you are trying to do is to control her mind - YOU CANT! EVER!

 

yes, she thinks of him here and there. yes. sometimes she misses him, yes yes yes...

 

you can leave, or stay and accept that. you cannot fight it.

if you're gonna stay - just drop it. that is my advice.

 

 

 

This has nothing to do with a WW thoughts.

 

 

This is a WW breaking NC. Breaking it indirectly is still breaking NC.

 

 

This BH must put his foot down or up her butt till he can tickle her tonsils.

[BHsigh]

I'm sorry to hear this CM. To me, this would be an absolute deal breaker and I would file for divorce. I caught my wife doing the same thing early on and told her that if I ever found out that she was searching anything about him I was done.

 

Searching POSOM a few months after would be understandable, but a year after is ridiculous, she isn't fully committed to reconciliation at all.

 

The other poster was correct though, you cannot control CD's mind, only she can, she needs to be 100% with you and fully focused on being indifferent to POSOM. It sounds like her mind set is speaking loudly and clearly.

 

I support reconciliation, I'm going through t myself, but it is very difficult. I hate to say it, but this situation would have made me separate and file for divorce.

[BHsigh]

Her thoughts belong to HER! every man\woman has their private fantasies, imagination, private thought ect...

Her time on the computer is also private (as long as it remains NC). she can search information about him, she can write songs, diary, etc...

 

What you are trying to do is to control her mind - YOU CANT! EVER!

 

yes, she thinks of him here and there. yes. sometimes she misses him, yes yes yes...

 

you can leave, or stay and accept that. you cannot fight it.

if you're gonna stay - just drop it. that is my advice.

 

CM, even thinking of POSOM or missing him in any way is aa del breaker, particularly after a year. CD should have been able to piece this together by now. She cannot think back fondly of a person that helped put you through all of this pain, that is just ridiculous. POSOM should be a non person to her by now.

[anne1707]

As a fWS, I have to say that this far on into supposed reconciliation this is not good. I know it took me months to get my head in gear and I also know I did some "stalking" () but a year on in the process? No. I knew it was not right. I didn't want to go there. The xOM was not worth it and not of interest to me. I did not want to go home to my husband and feel like a fake wife.

 

I am saddened and disappointed to hear this. I had hoped CD was doing better than this.

[drifter777]

She is broken and you cannot fix her. You've hung in there and given R an honest try (more than I would have done) and you now see that it's not going to work. The sneaking around and lying continue right in the face of her supposed commitment to R. She is continually posting here how sorry she is for her cheating and how hard she's working to make things up to you. What's wrong with this picture? This continual pining for her AP reveals that she needs more attention & worship then you - or any other man - will ever be able to give her. In my opinion she is so needy for attention from men that she will trade sex for it again someday. It's not your fault; it's never been your fault. Unless you continue to be so damn understanding and willing to bend over backwards to rationalize why she stuck the knife in your back - again. If you keep doing what your doing you will continue to get what you've been getting. Call a lawyer.

[xxoo]

The word "compulsive" is in both of your usernames, and I'm guessing she originally chose the word.

 

I guess compulsive suits her beyond dancing, because this sounds like compulsive behavior.

 

The problem is this: if she is acting compulsively in one area, how can you trust her to control her impulses in other areas? She's not trustworthy.

[goodyblue]

I don't understand the point of venting... you can't truly vent as she'll read it and so you will censor yourself. Or is that the point? That you want her to read it and straighten up? It just seems a little odd to me that both of you would be on the same forum, airing your grievances.

[lolablue17]

CM. POSOM should be a non person to her by now.

 

Agreed!

There is no doubt about that. But apparently he is not a "non person" to her.

 

Do you think confronting her, commanding her, Scolding her severely, even throwing all the computers and cellular devices to the ocean... Do you think one of these will really change anything?

Edited February 15, 2014 by lolablue17
mistake

[Compulsive Musician]

It's not like hours at the computer. But it's 5-15 minutes every few weeks. For a year. Some of it, I understand the impulses (ex: the LS discussion about if the AP got away scot free, leads to a natural curiosity of if he's still with his gf). But I believe this passes a pretty straightforward 'does this count as NC' sniff test.

 

I have no doubts that my wife is committed to me (for the time being). What I am concerned with is whether or not my wife has the tools to deal with this fully. She comes from a pretty dysfunctional family, and doesn't really have a mature female mentor.

 

She wonders why he didn't apologize to me.

 

Why he never tried to contact her.

 

Why his g/f is still with him.

 

And many other things that ultimately are summed up nicely by Fluttershy:

 

My wife has been intimate with two men, has very little relationship experience outside of tge marriage, and doesn't really know how to process this. That's not an excuse, but it is a reality (I believe).

 

She's gotten so much better about it (better conversation pacing, more listening, talking abour topics beyond herself, genuine empathy), but she's lived a long self-focused life. There are still bad habits woven deeply into that psyche. The service of self, instant gratification. When those around you don't provide you support, you compensate by finding reasons to make yourself a focus, you convince yourself that they 'really are paying attention to you'.

 

Very emotionally distant/disconnected father (AP matches this nicely, btw).

 

It's all in there. We've all got our things. What matters is what we do from here.

 

I just wanted to see what the consensus was on this. Everyone's got their own opinions. That's a good thing.

[peruano99]

It's not like hours at the computer. But it's 5-15 minutes every few weeks. For a year. Some of it, I understand the impulses (ex: the LS discussion about if the AP got away scot free, leads to a natural curiosity of if he's still with his gf). But I believe this passes a pretty straightforward 'does this count as NC' sniff test.

 

I have no doubts that my wife is committed to me (for the time being). What I am concerned with is whether or not my wife has the tools to deal with this fully. She comes from a pretty dysfunctional family, and doesn't really have a mature female mentor.

 

She wonders why he didn't apologize to me.

 

Why he never tried to contact her.

 

Why his g/f is still with him.

 

And many other things that ultimately are summed up nicely by Fluttershy:

 

My wife has been intimate with two men, has very little relationship experience outside of tge marriage, and doesn't really know how to process this. That's not an excuse, but it is a reality (I believe).

 

She's gotten so much better about it (better conversation pacing, more listening, talking abour topics beyond herself, genuine empathy), but she's lived a long self-focused life. There are still bad habits woven deeply into that psyche. The service of self, instant gratification. When those around you don't provide you support, you compensate by finding reasons to make yourself a focus, you convince yourself that they 'really are paying attention to you'.

 

Very emotionally distant/disconnected father (AP matches this nicely, btw).

 

It's all in there. We've all got our things. What matters is what we do from here.

 

I just wanted to see what the consensus was on this. Everyone's got their own opinions. That's a good thing.

 

 

Hm, well if she promised to not contact him again, or stalk him, then you two should try to work things out again; but if she does it again, then I think you two need to separate.