WW still stalking OM online..

[artdet]

This is such an interesting thread OP, thanks for bringing up the topic. Online stalking is so common in our times, IMHO everyone fluent with the internet do it to some degree, I would be surprised if anyone here hasn't done it at all. Really? You haven't googled him/her/them ever? No really, no need to throw stones at the lady here.

 

I also check up MOM from time to time, for reasons that may surprise a few people here. Every time I see a picture of him fake smiling with his wife I know how much he is hurting that good woman, of his children's beautiful smiles I know how much he is betraying their trust and undermining their happiness, of him flirting with other women I know what a philandering liar he is. Yep he is still the lowlife I know him to be, that is NOT part of my life anymore.

 

Call it my dark pleasure, but it works wonders for me. I love my H more each time I do it. Thank god for the internet.

Edited February 15, 2014 by artdet

[beach]

This is such an interesting thread OP, thanks for bringing up the topic. Online stalking is so common in our times, IMHO everyone fluent with the internet do it to some degree, I would be surprised if anyone here hasn't done it at all. Really? You haven't googled him/her/them ever? No really, no need to throw stones at the lady here.

 

I also check up MOM from time to time, for reasons that may surprise a few people here. Every time I see a picture of him fake smiling with his wife I know how much he is hurting that good woman, of his children's beautiful smiles I know how much he is betraying their trust and undermining their happiness, of him flirting with other women I know what a philandering liar he is. Yep he is still the lowlife I know him to be, that is NOT part of my life anymore.

 

Call it my dark pleasure, but it works wonders for me. I love my H more each time I do it. Thank god for the internet.

 

I think that's terribly mean and cruel - to relish in the pain and pretending on someone's face.

 

As for the situation CM has presented - CD is saying one thing yet doing another - all the the expense of causing harm to her H that's attempting to forgive her.

 

There's NO WAY to forgive and trust when actions don't match the words!

 

She isn't OFFERING honesty. He can't trust her when she continues to hurt him. And he certainly has nothing to work with since she's still pining for the elusive OM.

 

 

IF/SINCE she she still wants the OM - let her be free to pursue that douchebag.

[Fluttershy]

Well we can agree to disagree but since she slept with this guy who just happened to be her husbands best friend since childhood the chances that she is reminiscing about things that made her happy is the most logical reason for her to continuously check up on the guy. She miss's him and the excitement of the affair. It is not CM's duty to wait around while she gets over her boyfriend. She is still deceiving CM or she wouldn't be doing this in secret, again, believe not what she says but her actions. You are in false reconciliation because she still has secrets from you and she still has feelings for OM. There should only be two people in a marriage, she keeps bringing a third into it.

 

Something that has the ability to bring her back to reality needs to take place, maybe living somewhere else for a while will give her time to think clearly. Being away from her for a while may give CM clarity too. Do not leave the decision to her, she has a history of making bad decisions.

 

 

I guess the other logical explanation would be to see where OM is going to be every week so they don't run into each other, yah, that's it.

No need to get sarcastic with me. You must know by my posts on this thread I feel CD is giving way to much head space to her xAP and that it is not a good thing. I just felt your statement was untrue as people do often, very often dwell or revisit painful memories. Or check up on people who don't carry fond memories.

[Fluttershy]

CM, Did CD know you moniter her actively?

[whichwayisup]

This is such an interesting thread OP, thanks for bringing up the topic. Online stalking is so common in our times, IMHO everyone fluent with the internet do it to some degree, I would be surprised if anyone here hasn't done it at all. Really? You haven't googled him/her/them ever? No really, no need to throw stones at the lady here.

 

I also check up MOM from time to time, for reasons that may surprise a few people here. Every time I see a picture of him fake smiling with his wife I know how much he is hurting that good woman, of his children's beautiful smiles I know how much he is betraying their trust and undermining their happiness, of him flirting with other women I know what a philandering liar he is. Yep he is still the lowlife I know him to be, that is NOT part of my life anymore.

 

Call it my dark pleasure, but it works wonders for me. I love my H more each time I do it. Thank god for the internet.

 

And he's still ON your mind, even in mean and revenge mode. You seem to forget that you, yourself are married and cheated as well on your own spouse. You're no worse or better than your exMOM. How do you know his smiles are fake? Are your smiles fake? You seem to put yourself above him because he's continuing his behaviour that you were doing in the past.

 

To even bother checking on him is a waste of time and head space. Why snoop online if your A is over and you've moved on? Who cares about xMOM and his life/wife/marriage. You're giving him power over because you're reacting to what you see and hear about him.

[Compulsive Musician]

I imagine she would've had to suspect that I was watching in some fashion. But in general, no.

 

It's a weird position to be in, because I have strong belief in the sanctity of personal thought. I very much value privacy.

 

But at the same time, I need proof of character for all the obvious reasons.

 

Simple trust is far from enough, as any would expect.

 

The bitch of it is, that I WANT to just trust her again. But it's like being underwater and wishing that I didn't have to come up for air. It's immediate, reactive, compulsive (heh) to ponder honesty and trust. Best friend AND wife disrupts a lot of faith in human relationships.

 

But it's psychologically tiring to feel like I have to keep tabs on someone who is also supposed to be a pillar of support in life. And every time I check up on her, I feel like a creep because of my stance on privacy of thought. Really the whole thing is at odds, because the issue (to me), isn't sex, but the thoughts connected with AP.

 

Which by neccessity is a discussion of what one 'should be thinking', which in other contexts would piss me off.

 

We've had good discussion leading up to and including this forum.

[beach]

So she is thinking of him - it happens.

 

The fact that she continues to TAKE ACTION is crossing the line!

 

She asked for forgiveness - she had hoped you would consider forgiving...

 

But she keeps betraying YOU by looking into HIS life!

 

I would not be capable of forgiving CONTINUAL betrayal!

 

IME and opinion - she has ruined her chances of you forgiving.

 

 

Her words and actions don't match up = and that still makes her the liar.

 

So we know she's willing to tell you one thing - yet run to her computer and still check on her old lover. Nothing about those actions scream "please forgive me, I was wrong and will change this"!

[peruano99]

CM if you decide to stay with her, if she does it again, what will you do?

 

One thing is forgiving and another is letting her walk all over you.

[artdet]

Wow talk about throwing stones, there are a lot of self righteous people here on LS. It's cool with me. You don't know me. I made the decision to walk away from an EA before it progress into a PA. I made the decision to never walk down that path again. The xMOM did not.

Sorry OP for getting off topic here. My original intention was to share my perspective so that maybe you would consider, your wife's motive may not be what you are thinking.

[anne1707]

Wow talk about throwing stones, there are a lot of self righteous people here on LS. It's cool with me. You don't know me. I made the decision to walk away from an EA before it progress into a PA. I made the decision to never walk down that path again. The xMOM did not.

Sorry OP for getting off topic here. My original intention was to share my perspective so that maybe you would consider, your wife's motive may not be what you are thinking.

 

Artdet

 

The point is that to truly move on from an affair is to be indifferent. Anger, bitterness, joy in someone else's pain is not indifference, it is clearly still emotional involvement. The OM still matters if the WW feels glee at the wife's pain.

[peruano99]

One way to truly move on from an affair or a bad relationship is to have no contact, no seeing their social media, completely forget the other person as if he/she never existed.

[artdet]

Artdet

 

The point is that to truly move on from an affair is to be indifferent. Anger, bitterness, joy in someone else's pain is not indifference, it is clearly still emotional involvement. The OM still matters if the WW feels glee at the wife's pain.

 

A big assumption here. Where did you get the idea I'm feeling glee at the wife's pain??? That is a mean and cruel assumption to make on someone you know absolutely nothing about. No I feel glee that I'm not in an A anymore, I feel glee that I'm in a good place with my H and family, I feel absolute disgust at the MOM, I feel pain for his wife. I most certainly do not feel any glee towards how MOM is treating his wife, or the pain she is going through.

[beach]

Wow talk about throwing stones, there are a lot of self righteous people here on LS. It's cool with me. You don't know me. I made the decision to walk away from an EA before it progress into a PA. I made the decision to never walk down that path again. The xMOM did not.

Sorry OP for getting off topic here. My original intention was to share my perspective so that maybe you would consider, your wife's motive may not be what you are thinking.

 

Throwing stones? I don't see that.

 

If you don't recognize honesty while reviewing evidence that any poster types out - then I can't make you understand honesty.

 

I work with what others type.

 

The OP has every right to feel hurt and betrayed...his wife is still actively seeking info about her OM.

 

There's no possible way to trust while she's still pursuing him or ANYTHING about his life.

 

IF she's that interested - interested enough to risk losing her M when CM has tried everything to trust her - yet she still peeks into her lover's life - I can't see why CM should put any more time or energy into CD because she simply isn't giving reconciliation 100%.

[artdet]

Sure. A different opinion is dishonesty, not agreeing with other posters here is dishonesty. I see. Go on with your good honest single sided discussion then.

Edited February 15, 2014 by artdet

[anne1707]

A big assumption here. Where did you get the idea I'm feeling glee at the wife's pain??? That is a mean and cruel assumption to make on someone you know absolutely nothing about. No I feel glee that I'm not in an A anymore, I feel glee that I'm in a good place with my H and family, I feel absolute disgust at the MOM, I feel pain for his wife. I most certainly do not feel any glee towards how MOM is treating his wife, or the pain she is going through.

 

Ok you did not say "glee". Instead you said you felt "dark pleasure" at the way your MOM is faking things with his wife. Does that sound any better?

[artdet]

Ok you did not say "glee". Instead you said you felt "dark pleasure" at the way your MOM is faking things with his wife. Does that sound any better?

 

Did I exactly said this? Do not copy and paste and put words in my mouth please. Yes the dark pleasure is to see that the philanderer is out of my life. It's a good and justified pleasure thank you very much.

 

I was laughing at your honesty comment. I'm so intrigued that some people actually really believes that honesty can be constituted through a few posters' opinion on an internet forum. You need to get out and see the real world.

[artdet]

How do you know his smiles are fake?

 

And how do you know his smiles are not fake? How long have you known this man may I ask?

 

Or let me put it in another way, let's say if his smiles are fake, do you think there is a bigger chance you can see it or me?

 

The amount of self righteousness on this forum just overwhelms me. No you DO NOT know me, or him. So don't even try to judge.

[anne1707]

Did I exactly said this? Do not copy and paste and put words in my mouth please. Yes the dark pleasure is to see that the philanderer is out of my life. It's a good and justified pleasure thank you very much.

 

I was laughing at your honesty comment. I'm so intrigued that some people actually really believes that honesty can be constituted through a few posters' opinion on an internet forum. You need to get out and see the real world.

 

 

 

And now you are putting words in my mouth. I have not made any comments on your honesty. All I have said is that truly moving on from an affair is indifference. I do not understand why you have a problem with that and in the context of the OPs thread, this indifference is what I think is needed.

 

Why the need to attack me and suggest I get out and see the real world? Are you more qualified on this subject than me? Based on what you have posted, I don't think so.

[artdet]

And now you are putting words in my mouth. I have not made any comments on your honesty. All I have said is that truly moving on from an affair is indifference. I do not understand why you have a problem with that and in the context of the OPs thread, this indifference is what I think is needed.

 

Why the need to attack me and suggest I get out and see the real world? Are you more qualified on this subject than me? Based on what you have posted, I don't think so.

 

Yes you did not say that, that was from another poster. I apologize for that, and the real world comment goes with the honesty comment.

 

Based on what I have posted, you still know nothing about me, so whatever you think doesn't really matters to me

[anne1707]

Yes you did not say that, that was from another poster. I apologize for that, and the real world comment goes with the honesty comment.

 

Based on what I have posted, you still know nothing about me, so whatever you think doesn't really matters to me

 

I know you had an EA and did not let it become a PA. I had a 3 year PA hence I have a really good idea from personal experience of what it takes for a marriage to reconcile after such a terrible betrayal. I would say I am more qualified than most on this subject.

 

Indifference is what is needed here. Anything else is emotional investment away from the marriage.

[artdet]

Sorry OP for hijacking the thread. I'm done on discussing assumptions on me. People may not like my situation, but my point is, maybe your wife's intention of searching and looking him up is to remind herself of the kind of person he is, and not because she is still fond of him. That's all. It takes all sorts, but sometimes a different opinion may hit a nerve.

[whichwayisup]

Indifference is what is needed here. Anything else is emotional investment away from the marriage.

 

Totally agree.

 

This OM was her husband's best friend. The A is over, and has been for a long time. The exOM is no longer a part of their lives. The online searching just keeps exOM in her head and feeds something. Only his wife knows the answer to that. Either way, it's wrong for her to be searching stuff about him online.

 

Her husband has every right to feel concerned and upset about this. Her searching exOM online serves no purpose and is pointless.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry OP for hijacking the thread. I'm done on discussing assumptions on me. People may not like my situation, but my point is, maybe your wife's intention of searching and looking him up is to remind herself of the kind of person he is, and not because she is still fond of him. That's all. It takes all sorts, but sometimes a different opinion may hit a nerve.

 

Why would she still need reminding of this so long after the A ended? And, recently they had an anniversary of their D-day - Go read that thread...

 

Anne makes a good point and that is for his wife to be in different. Any searches online just keeps exOM IN her head and that is not good and it obviously upsets her husband, rightfully so.

[Fluttershy]

Sorry OP for hijacking the thread. I'm done on discussing assumptions on me. People may not like my situation, but my point is, maybe your wife's intention of searching and looking him up is to remind herself of the kind of person he is, and not because she is still fond of him. That's all. It takes all sorts, but sometimes a different opinion may hit a nerve.

 

It seems to everyone else the nerve that was hit is your own. And no one has even commented on your situation. Heck... I don't even know it. But what was mentioned was how they found your action of gaining pleasure out of you xMOM's wife's ignorance appaling. That isn't a situation. That is something that is troubleing to BS. You seem to like being the centre of attention and also hate when called out. If you don't care about te persoective and opinions of others that post on this forum you may want to rethink being a forum member.

 

And Anne... Ever been called self righteous on here?

 

There are some extreme posters at times. But merely having a different opinion and high standards does not make one self righteous.

[whichwayisup]

Really the whole thing is at odds, because the issue (to me), isn't sex, but the thoughts connected with AP.

 

CM, NC is in place and she must do NC in her head too. And that NC includes no more of her searching his name online.

 

She needs to be stronger and tougher on herself so she can just finally let go and not care what exOM is doing or how he is. Period! Enough is enough.