She Wants 50/50, But Doesn't Spend Any Time With Them Now

[george roy]

Quick backstory...

 

I served her in December. She's moving out the end of February.

 

The reason she's moving out then is because there is an extended family trip that has already been paid for. It was paid in full early last year, before any of this came about.

 

As much as I wanted her out by February 1, it made sense on some level not to move out and pay rent for somewhere she's not going to be for two weeks. And she didn't have enough money for the deposit (first month's and security). And no one wants to loan her the money.

So the extra month has given her the opportunity to have that money available on March 1. And she's all for moving out.

 

We both have relatives where we're going (and some relatives are traveling with us). So it's not as though we will both be together the entire time, sans the theme parks (which again, have already been paid for).

 

That trip happens next week. And we are both going.

 

I have no intention of the kids and I going without her, simply because I don't wish to return home to an empty house.

 

There's no chance of reconciliation. We're going for the kids.

 

We're trying to come up with an agreeable schedule (she has not retained counsel as of yet).

 

She keeps talking about wanting to get as close to 50/50 as possible.

 

But so far, I'm not seeing any effort from her to spend any time with the kids. Apparently she can take days off of work and extended afternoons for Mr. Wonderful, but not for any of the kids activities.

 

If she's going to pawn the kids off on a sitter when it's her time, then I'd rather they spend that time with me.

 

Does the demeanor ever change for an STBX (as far as the kids go) when she's finally 'out' ?

 

Or can I expect more of the same (and some "Can you please take the kids tonight ?" calls) once she's out ?

 

Advice and suggestions are appreciated...

[Yasuandio]

I don't have kids - but I read a lot on this site, and have a good sense of human psychology (except when it comes to myself).

 

I say give her what she asks for. 50/50 is equal, not unreasonable. And have a clause that you have first right of refusal if kids are to be cared for by someone other than her. So, if she wants to go out with Mr. Wonderful, she has to call you to see if you can take the children, and she has to bring them and pick them up (chances are she'll let them stay over at Dad's!). You win! Yas

[RuralGuy]

I say give her what she asks for. 50/50 is equal, not unreasonable.

 

 

Yas, you're not taking into account the effect of a "50/50" agreement on child support, if he ends up taking care of them most of the time.

[RightThere]

You can put wording in the separation/divorce agreement that you have the first right of refusal if she needs to pawn the kids off somewhere. But trying to get it written that the split should not be 50/50 will just cause issues if it's not because of an agreed split of days/weeks where you will have them regularly more than 50/50.

 

But to answer your question about if they come out of the fog for their kids, don't hold your breath.

[Shocked Suzie]

Yep if she's being slack with the kids now it won't improve I can tell ya!

 

I agree with Yas here, 50/50 with conditions

[Yasuandio]

Yas, you're not taking into account the effect of a "50/50" agreement on child support, if he ends up taking care of them most of the time.

 

Sorry about that. I stand corrected. I should keep my nose out of stuff I don't know about. Yas

[No Limit]

Or can I expect more of the same (and some "Can you please take the kids tonight ?" calls) once she's out ?

 

Pretty much. I just wonder what these people do when they're being denied.

And it will hurt/anger you as well as it will hurt the kids to see their mother not wanting them.

 

I honestly wouldn't go 50/50. Best possible would be something about 90/10, the 90 going for you. Her affair partner won't have her forever and who knows who she'll introduce the kids to then.

Let her visit every second weekend or so if she wants, but that's about it. Her behavior won't change as long as things go well with Mr. Wonderful and there's still a good chance she will never care as much as before about them.

[george roy]

Pretty much. I just wonder what these people do when they're being denied.

And it will hurt/anger you as well as it will hurt the kids to see their mother not wanting them.

 

Not sure what the 'being denied' sentence means...

 

And yes, it hurts and angers me because it hurts the kids.

 

When she would go out and stay out, I used to tell the kids that she was working or something.

It slowly turned into telling them, "I don't know".

 

We ended up sitting them down last week and telling them about the divorce.

 

The kids hardly ask where she is anymore.

 

I honestly wouldn't go 50/50. Best possible would be something about 90/10, the 90 going for you. Her affair partner won't have her forever and who knows who she'll introduce the kids to then.

Let her visit every second weekend or so if she wants, but that's about it. Her behavior won't change as long as things go well with Mr. Wonderful and there's still a good chance she will never care as much as before about them.

 

'm fighting for as much custody as possible.

 

It's obvious she's checked out with the kids.

 

And she wants some outrageous schedule that gives the kids a mess as far as school and all.

And every other week, she has them 5 days straight.

 

I've got no problem telling her to pound salt, and meet me in court if she wants 50/50.

 

But she's taking the hard line on the schedule.

 

I'm the one that takes care of them regularly.

 

She wants to have them on different days of the week, and f*** up their routine.

 

I want them sleeping at home during the week, she can take them out a couple of evenings, bring them back, and we alternate weekends.

 

Apparently "I'm being unreasonable"

 

Frankly, I don't think I am.

 

But I don't know if a judge will see it that way.

 

So am I still looking at (roughly) 50/50 in the end ?

 

Advice and suggestions are always appreciated...

[No Limit]

Not sure what the 'being denied' sentence means...

 

And yes, it hurts and angers me because it hurts the kids.

 

When she would go out and stay out, I used to tell the kids that she was working or something.

It slowly turned into telling them, "I don't know".

 

We ended up sitting them down last week and telling them about the divorce.

 

The kids hardly ask where she is anymore.

 

 

 

'm fighting for as much custody as possible.

 

It's obvious she's checked out with the kids.

 

And she wants some outrageous schedule that gives the kids a mess as far as school and all.

And every other week, she has them 5 days straight.

 

I've got no problem telling her to pound salt, and meet me in court if she wants 50/50.

 

But she's taking the hard line on the schedule.

 

I'm the one that takes care of them regularly.

 

She wants to have them on different days of the week, and f*** up their routine.

 

I want them sleeping at home during the week, she can take them out a couple of evenings, bring them back, and we alternate weekends.

 

Apparently "I'm being unreasonable"

 

Frankly, I don't think I am.

 

But I don't know if a judge will see it that way.

 

So am I still looking at (roughly) 50/50 in the end ?

 

Advice and suggestions are always appreciated...

 

The 'denied' sentence meant that I was wondering how she'd handle the kids, or where she'd leave them behind if you ever had to deny her request for whatever reason there might be.

 

She's being unreasonable and simply not their mother anymore. I think you should start working on a weekly routine during which the children don't see her except for a few hours at the weekends, and maybe you should ask the kids whether they want to see her or not.

Maybe it won't come as far as court. I doubt her lover is going to pay for it.

 

Either way, try to get as much custody as you can. You could also try to get evidence of her not wanting the kids, like when you phone her and she's saying no for these and these stupid reasons...

Plus, not wanting you to encourage your kids to dislike their mother of course, but should they start growing weary and tired of her, maybe you should tell them about your idea of them meeting her at the weekend only and ONLY if they want to see her as well. The kids opinion should still matter to some degree.

Edited February 15, 2014 by No Limit

[iris219]

It's likely once she settles into a routine after moving out, she will be a good mother.

 

She's probably thrilled to be done with the marriage and being a little selfish because of it. She doesn't know how to handle her newfound freedom.

 

My bf's ex wife was a crap mom (doing drugs, leaving them alone, etc) in the beginning and he thought he was going to have to take full custody. Almost two years later, she has settled down and is fine with them. I think it took her awhile to get used to not being someone's wife and she was having a lot of fun.

 

They have 50/50 custody, btw.

Edited February 15, 2014 by iris219

[Grumpybutfun]

Personally I would go for full custody for your children's stability. Get a lawyer who is a shark and do anything you have to to make sure your kids are with you. When she cheated and stopped interacting them or caring for them, she lost her leg up for being a mother. Protect yourself financially and don't give her anything. Mr. Wonderful can take care of her now.

G

[george roy]

Personally I would go for full custody for your children's stability. Get a lawyer who is a shark and do anything you have to to make sure your kids are with you. When she cheated and stopped interacting them or caring for them, she lost her leg up for being a mother. Protect yourself financially and don't give her anything. Mr. Wonderful can take care of her now.

G

 

The attorney I found grilled me pretty good at the initial sitdown. I left thinking to myself, "Wow, this guy is a real @sshole, asking me all these questions about MY history".

 

I drove about three miles down the road, and pulled over. And had a moment of clarity...

 

"If he was this way with ME at the consult, and if I hire him, he's gonna be a ruthless, heartless b@stard in the courtroom when I need him to be !!!

"He NEEDS to be on MY side !!!!!!"

 

I turned around, drove back to his office, and retained him right then and there.

 

The more I read (and the more that happens), I think that I'll be going full bore on custody.

 

So many times, she's promised to do _____ with one or all of the kids. But time and time again, she's never followed through with any of those promises.

 

One of our children has a medical condition that requires specific knowledge of that condition.

And I'm the one that primarily handles that.

 

The STBX knows how to handle this as well. But there's more of a regimen in regards to that condition with me than there is with her. Checks and tests sometimes get missed on STBX's watch.

 

And it's not exactly a situation that the "teenager next door" can handle.

 

While I'm concerned about the well being of all my children, this one child's condition is my primary concern.

 

So I'm of the opinion that it's in THAT child's best interests.

 

Which is why I won't consider budging on Right To First Refusal.

 

I have plenty of documentation regarding my time spent with the kids. As well as her missed opportunities with them.

 

Sure, work is work. I'm not counting that time.

 

But when she supposedly can't take a day off to go to a school conference because "we're sooo busy here at work", and then turn around and take the day off to spend with Mr Wonderful...

 

I could care less. As far as I'M concerned.

 

But when you can't start showing up for school functions ??

 

Yeah.

 

The more I think about this, the more I think I should go for it all from the get-go.

 

As it will be more difficult if there are temporary orders in place.

 

My only question is how I like my odds with a judge...

[george roy]

It's likely once she settles into a routine after moving out, she will be a good mother.

 

She's probably thrilled to be done with the marriage and being a little selfish because of it. She doesn't know how to handle her newfound freedom.

 

My bf's ex wife was a crap mom (doing drugs, leaving them alone, etc) in the beginning and he thought he was going to have to take full custody. Almost two years later, she has settled down and is fine with them. I think it took her awhile to get used to not being someone's wife and she was having a lot of fun.

 

They have 50/50 custody, btw.

 

Maybe.

 

But I'm not seeing anything that would give me even the slightest indication that things will change once she moves out.

 

If she were spending time with the kids or taking the kids places on her 'down time', I would feel a lot more confident about 50/50.

 

I'm not seeing it.

 

And I'm not willing to risk my children under the premise that "a light switch will flip on once she's out".

 

I can't.

[iris219]

Maybe.

 

But I'm not seeing anything that would give me even the slightest indication that things will change once she moves out.

 

If she were spending time with the kids or taking the kids places on her 'down time', I would feel a lot more confident about 50/50.

 

I'm not seeing it.

 

And I'm not willing to risk my children under the premise that "a light switch will flip on once she's out".

 

I can't.

 

It doesn't sound like your STBX is doing anything that places your children in danger. Don't try to punish her because she isn't being the person you think she should be. If she's found to be a sound mother, she will be awarded full or 50% custody anyway. This doesn't seem like it's worth fighting in court over.

[Tayken]

In short....."The best interest" of the child/ren is what needs to be considered during separations, not the emotions or personal gains of either party.

 

50/50 will always be the way to go for kid(s) when there isn't any abuse, violence, gambling going on with either spouse. You do not want the kids growing up to be people that have daddy/mommy issues as we see on OLD sites

 

It's tough enough for the kids that their parents are splitting, denying them maximum access to both parents is another nail in the coffin that they can do without, then there is the potential psychologically issues

[george roy]

It doesn't sound like your STBX is doing anything that places your children in danger. Don't try to punish her because she isn't being the person you think she should be. If she's found to be a sound mother, she will be awarded full or 50% custody anyway. This doesn't seem like it's worth fighting in court over.

 

In short....."The best interest" of the child/ren is what needs to be considered during separations, not the emotions or personal gains of either party.

 

50/50 will always be the way to go for kid(s) when there isn't any abuse, violence, gambling going on with either spouse. You do not want the kids growing up to be people that have daddy/mommy issues as we see on OLD sites

 

It's tough enough for the kids that their parents are splitting, denying them maximum access to both parents is another nail in the coffin that they can do without, then there is the potential psychologically issues

 

Ok...

 

It's not about any personal or emotional gains when it comes to ME.

 

And it's not about 'punishing her'. Not at all.

 

I can count on one hand the number of hours a week she spends with them.

And that's not being dramatic. That's 'actual time'.

 

Mix in that this schedule she proposes works "for her". And that would be fine. If it worked primarily for the children.

 

But it has them bouncing between houses during the week.

 

And with the one child's medical condition, the additional length of time on the school bus isn't an option.

 

She's not seeing that.

 

She only sees that "this schedule" is what SHE wants.

 

Damn the consequences.

 

My concern is keeping them as 'regular' as possible.

 

I say, let the bus pick them up here and bring them here, as it's always been.

 

She can take them for a few hours a couple of nights a week, and then take them every or every other weekend...

 

That, in my opinion, is in the best interests of the CHILDREN.

 

My being the primary caregiver is a by-product of that.

 

I would even be fine is she wanted to take them for a few hours EVERY weeknight, and have them every weekend (provided it fell into the 50/50 guidelines).

 

Why screw up their routine ?

 

Suggestions and advice are always appreciated...