Attraction, confusion, guilt.

[kimkimmy]

I am working with a man who I think has feelings about me or is only attracted. He is 10-15 years older than me and I honestly don't know what is in his head. I get very mixed signals. I don't have much experience in that area and I am not sure if I am reading too much into things or he really likes me. We often lock eyes. There is some intense eye contact going on. I notice him looking me and he looks a lot at my figure. When we talk we just stare in each others' eyes and he can't help but smile widely, but it may be because I smile too. I see sparkles in his eyes, but it may be because I want to see them . He often jokes around with me, when he says something dirty while talking to others he looks at me. I think he is even trying to make me jealous. He talks and flirts with other women, but I notice him looking at me to see my reaction. I get very annoyed and it is very difficult to hide it but he seems to enjoys that. Or he may be just a flirt and that's all. He often asks me personal questions about my love life. He also makes observations and conclusions about my character and remembers a lot of details about the things I say. It looks like he is trying to spend some time with me. He offers me a ride from time to time and when we are alone he is all flirty and charming. He sometimes shares personal things about him or experiences that happened in the past.

 

Other days nothing interesting happens. It is when I am not in a good mood and he asks what is wrong with me, but stays on a distance.

 

I don't know if it is all in my head or there is really something. I obviously have feelings or intense desire, but I can never do anything about it, because he is engaged and I am sure he loves his fiancee very much, although they have some problems, but who hasn't. I feel very guilty. I can't stand myself because I want him and I think about him. It is very difficult to avoid seen him, because we work in the same building, but at least not on the same floor, although I see him pretty often.

 

I just really want to know why he acts like that and if he really likes me or I am imagining everything. And please don't judge me. I am very much aware that it is wrong, but I can't help it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am working with a man who I think has feelings about me or is only attracted. He is 10-15 years older than me and I honestly don't know what is in his head. I get very mixed signals. I don't have much experience in that area and I am not sure if I am reading too much into things or he really likes me. We often lock eyes. There is some intense eye contact going on. I notice him looking me and he looks a lot at my figure. When we talk we just stare in each others' eyes and he can't help but smile widely, but it may be because I smile too. I see sparkles in his eyes, but it may be because I want to see them . He often jokes around with me, when he says something dirty while talking to others he looks at me. I think he is even trying to make me jealous. He talks and flirts with other women, but I notice him looking at me to see my reaction. I get very annoyed and it is very difficult to hide it but he seems to enjoys that. Or he may be just a flirt and that's all. He often asks me personal questions about my love life. He also makes observations and conclusions about my character and remembers a lot of details about the things I say. It looks like he is trying to spend some time with me. He offers me a ride from time to time and when we are alone he is all flirty and charming. He sometimes shares personal things about him or experiences that happened in the past.

 

Other days nothing interesting happens. It is when I am not in a good mood and he asks what is wrong with me, but stays on a distance.

 

I don't know if it is all in my head or there is really something. I obviously have feelings or intense desire, but I can never do anything about it, because he is engaged and I am sure he loves his fiancee very much, although they have some problems, but who hasn't. I feel very guilty. I can't stand myself because I want him and I think about him. It is very difficult to avoid seen him, because we work in the same building, but at least not on the same floor, although I see him pretty often.

 

I just really want to know why he acts like that and if he really likes me or I am imagining everything. And please don't judge me. I am very much aware that it is wrong, but I can't help it.

 

Oh, come on, OP. Of course you can help it! You just don't want to. You are an adult in full control of your behaviour. Don't say you can't help it; that's simply a BS way of not taking responsibility for your actions.

 

Stop flirting with this guy. Full stop. It doesn't make a lick of a difference if he likes you or not, because he is not available. Don't reciprocate any of his banter. If you're reading him right, he is also behaving inappropriately and that says a lot about his character. Not attractive. Find someone who isn't already taken.

[TaraMaiden]

Exactly what I would have said.

 

'I can't help it' is merely another way of saying

 

"I prefer his attention more to doing what I should do. It's wrong, I know it's wrong, but I like it too much to do the right thing".

 

If he's engaged, consider this:

 

1) He would not behave this way if his fiancée was present.

 

2) Say, in extremis that you did 'win this' over his GF.

he would have no hesitation in doing to you, with someone else, what he's doing to her, with you.

Emotional cheating.

 

You say he's far older than you are.

That makes him middle-aged and you probably relatively naive and inexperienced.

Well honey, take it from us more 'experienced' oldies:

 

Back off now, before this becomes too big for you to chew.

[kimkimmy]

Oh, come on, OP. Of course you can help it! You just don't want to. You are an adult in full control of your behaviour. Don't say you can't help it; that's simply a BS way of not taking responsibility for your actions.

 

Stop flirting with this guy. Full stop. It doesn't make a lick of a difference if he likes you or not, because he is not available. Don't reciprocate any of his banter. If you're reading him right, he is also behaving inappropriately and that says a lot about his character. Not attractive. Find someone who isn't already taken.

 

I take full responsibility about everything. I will never act on my feelings, because I can't live with that guilt for the rest of my life. Believe me I try to stay away as much as possible, but sometimes it is difficult. I can't control the way I feel. I try to, but sometimes things like the ones I described in my previous post happen. I can't disappear or stop talking to him at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

I take full responsibility about everything. I will never act on my feelings, because I can't live with that guilt for the rest of my life. Believe me I try to stay away as much as possible, but sometimes it is difficult. I can't control the way I feel. I try to, but sometimes things like the ones I described in my previous post happen. I can't disappear or stop talking to him at all.

 

I didn't suggest you disappear or stop talking to him. I said you need to stop flirting with him. You are acting on your attraction by doing so, and by responding to any of his flirtatious behaviour.

 

Why do you care if he really likes you, or if you're imagining everything?

[TaraMaiden]

I take full responsibility about everything. I will never act on my feelings, because I can't live with that guilt for the rest of my life. Believe me I try to stay away as much as possible, but sometimes it is difficult. I can't control the way I feel. I try to, but sometimes things like the ones I described in my previous post happen. I can't disappear or stop talking to him at all.

You need to act with indifference.

It's not really aimed at you but read the No Contact Guide in my signature/link.

 

The man who wrote it actually had to work with his ex-GF every day.

if he can do it, so can you.

 

All and any discussion has to focus on work-related/professional matters, and nothing else.

Don't make excessive eye contact - you seem to lose all reason when you do - (!) and don't engage him in idle, suggestive, risqué banter.

The moment he begings making suggestive remarks or resorting to innuendos, either look away, and change the subject or ignore the remark and steer the discussion back to 'work.

 

Let's see how serious you are about remedying this.

 

Change

I can't control the way I feel.

into 'but I can control the way I behave'.

[kimkimmy]

I didn't suggest you disappear or stop talking to him. I said you need to stop flirting with him. You are acting on your attraction by doing so, and by responding to any of his flirtatious behaviour.

 

Why do you care if he really likes you, or if you're imagining everything?

 

By acting on my feelings I meant confessing what I feel or doing something physical. I care, because I really want to know if I am right and why someone acts like that when he is in a serious relationship. When you feel something you want a confirmation. Just to know that you are not a crazy psycho imagining stuff.

[TaraMaiden]

You're over-thinking this.

To a certain extent, what you feel, why and what he's doing and why, are all immaterial.

Fundamentally, you know he's being a jerk, and you are being foolish by playing into it.

it's unwise.

Quit with the soul-searching. It's pointless and a waste of time....

Did you read my posts at all?

[kimkimmy]

You're over-thinking this.

To a certain extent, what you feel, why and what he's doing and why, are all immaterial.

Fundamentally, you know he's being a jerk, and you are being foolish by playing into it.

it's unwise.

Quit with the soul-searching. It's pointless and a waste of time....

Did you read my posts at all?

 

Yes, I read them and right now I am reading the No Contact guide. Thank you for your advises, I will do my best to follow them. I truly can control how I act, but I feel very bad and sad and I wanted to share it, because I can't tell anybody I know and my head will explode from thinking about it.

[TaraMaiden]

If you think your head would explode now, think of the collateral damage that would occur, if you continued and escalated your involvement with this man - and his fiancée found out.

 

Honey, you ain't seen nuthin' yet....

[devilish innocent]

This guy seemed really skeevy to me even before you mentioned that he was engaged. When a guy keeps staring at the figure of a much younger woman, looking at her when making dirty jokes, purposefully trying to get her jealous, he's intentions aren't likely to be very honorable. I don't think you're imagining things. But there is nothing in the least bit romantic about any of this. He is just luring you into allowing your body to be his sex toy while he marries another woman.

[ExpatInItaly]

By acting on my feelings I meant confessing what I feel or doing something physical. I care, because I really want to know if I am right and why someone acts like that when he is in a serious relationship. When you feel something you want a confirmation. Just to know that you are not a crazy psycho imagining stuff.

 

Because he gets an ego boost from knowing you like him.