Why do men cheat on wife they love?

[Anne Boleyn]

The answer to that "if" could also be "perhaps he loves her but…."

 

The "but" does kind of cancel out everything that came before it...

 

I'm talking about people in general.

 

In that case, I don't think that any affair or the reasons behind it can be so boiled down into somebody simply talking themselves into it and doing it. I know when I had an affair, that's not how either I or my husband thought about it when we started. I can't say that I've seen many others boil their affairs down so simply.

[eleanorrigby]

The "but" does kind of cancel out everything that came before it...

 

 

 

In that case, I don't think that any affair or the reasons behind it can be so boiled down into somebody simply talking themselves into it and doing it. I know when I had an affair, that's not how either I or my husband thought about it when we started. I can't say that I've seen many others boil their affairs down so simply.

 

There's a "but" in everything in life.

 

To me that is how it boils down and what is at the bottom of it all.

We want to do something or want something that other important people in our lives might have a problem with us doing or having.

 

IMO, we want do do something or have something that puts other things we value in our life at risk.

 

We want to do something or have something that has the possibility of causing huge amounts of drama and pain in our lives and others lives.

 

We want to do something or have something that does not line up with our values. We make it OK for ourselves to go for what we want by justifying it, talking ourselves into it.

[Anne Boleyn]

There's a "but" in everything in life.

 

I guess that's where we deviate. I think there are very few "buts" in life, and a "I love you, but" isn't really much of an "I love you" at all.

 

To me that is how it boils down and what is at the bottom of it all.

We want to do something or want something that other important people in our lives might have a problem with us doing or having.

 

If that's how it boils down to you, that may work for the sake of a conversation online, but in the situation of an actual affair, such a watering down means that you're not really looking at the affair, why it happened, or what there is to be learned from it. If we chalk up all affairs to it just being somebody justifying what they want, there's no real way to solve the problem, nothing to learn, and no real way to move on. It completely ignores the complexity of the situation.

 

IMO, we want do do something or have something that puts other things we value in our life at risk.

 

We want to do something or have something that has the possibility of causing huge amounts of drama and pain in our lives and others lives.

 

We want to do something or have something that does not line up with our values. We make it OK for ourselves to go for what we want by justifying it, talking ourselves into it.

 

Not everybody has to talk themselves into it because they see nothing wrong with it. Not everybody has to talk themselves into it because they feel it's OK, or it's not an affair as long as there's no sex, or they don't know, or what may have you. Some may not have a chance to talk themselves into it or out of it because impulse takes over. Some admit they don't love their spouse or they love somebody else more, so there's no justification to go on... There's no loyalty to somebody you have no affection for, don't respect, or don't want to be married to. Sometimes it doesn't cause any pain, drama, or and the risk of it happening is not a determent because you know it won't happen.

 

Again, there's a thousand reasons behind an affair that are more complex than "I wanted to."

[gettingstronger]

I have to agree with the others-I think its possible to believe you love your wife and still cheat on her BUT I think if you ask BS they feel (or I should say I feel) like its not the kind of love we want or deserve-

I also agree that the MM does not love the AP in the way they deserve if love is what they are after- some may not want love, they want attention and affection which is totally different in my mind-

I know in our situation our OW said she just wanted a casual thing but when DDay hit she had to face the fact that she was lying to him and herself-its been painful for her as evidenced by her near constant intrusions-

I am unsure why people do this to themselves-lie to themselves and others like this-but it happens a lot-

Hoping for peace and healing for all who find themselves face to face with their reality-

[eleanorrigby]

I guess that's where we deviate. I think there are very few "buts" in life, and a "I love you, but" isn't really much of an "I love you" at all.

What about the MM that says to his OW "I love you but I'm not leaving my wife"

Are you denying his love for her is real?

 

 

 

If that's how it boils down to you, that may work for the sake of a conversation online, but in the situation of an actual affair, such a watering down means that you're not really looking at the affair, why it happened, or what there is to be learned from it. If we chalk up all affairs to it just being somebody justifying what they want, there's no real way to solve the problem, nothing to learn, and no real way to move on. It completely ignores the complexity of the situation.

 

 

 

Not everybody has to talk themselves into it because they see nothing wrong with it. Not everybody has to talk themselves into it because they feel it's OK, or it's not an affair as long as there's no sex, or they don't know, or what may have you. Some may not have a chance to talk themselves into it or out of it because impulse takes over. Some admit they don't love their spouse or they love somebody else more, so there's no justification to go on... There's no loyalty to somebody you have no affection for, don't respect, or don't want to be married to. Sometimes it doesn't cause any pain, drama, or and the risk of it happening is not a determent because you know it won't happen.

 

Again, there's a thousand reasons behind an affair that are more complex than "I wanted to."

 

Well we are in a conversation online, so that's how I'm communicating.

I can't speak to the intricacies of other peoples relationships.

But I can argue that "I wanted to" is a basic, down at the very bottom, reason for having an affair.

 

There are a million and one things to learn about yourself if you look at how you justify doing things. Anything. Eating Krispy Kremes when you want to lose 15 pounds to potentially putting your children's security at risk.

 

All the examples you pointed out still require some justification to the MM/MW to decide it's OK for them to partake.

 

Even if you don't give a rats ass about your wife anymore, you still have to justify the risk you assume by betraying her. She might decide to run you over with her car or shoot you and your AP while you sleep in your bed.

 

If you just decide on a moments impulse to have sex with another person with no thought whatsoever of the consequences, well then that's different and that person needs help.

[Anne Boleyn]

What about the MM that says to his OW "I love you but I'm not leaving my wife"

Are you denying his love for her is real?

 

Is it real? Maybe. But it's not enough for them to be together. So if it's enough, I guess that's up to the OW. It's hard to take that somebody loves you but won't be with you as a representation of love, isn't it? I doubt a BS would take hearing "I love you, but I'm going to be with her" as a declaration of love.

 

Well we are in a conversation online, so that's how I'm communicating.

 

I know, which is why I said speaking in black and white generalities is fine and to be expected, but when weighing out events like this IRL along with reasons and behaviors, saying that affairs are the result of "I wanted to" and somebody trying to justify something as right when they know it's wrong is a generality that just doesn't hold water.

 

I can't speak to the intricacies of other peoples relationships.

But I can argue that "I wanted to" is a basic, down at the very bottom, reason for having an affair.

I don't disagree that it's basic. My argument is it's too basic. The argument behind everything, from why I got out of bed this morning to why I had a 2,500 calorie lunch and a 2,500 calorie dinner could be boiled down to "I wanted to." However, it's not the actual reason. I got out of bed this morning because I have a lot of responsibilities I need to take care of today, and the reason I've eaten 5,000 calories today is because I'm running 14 miles tomorrow.

 

At it's core, the choice behind many actions anybody makes could be simply diluted to "I wanted to." But that doesn't uncover the reason they wanted to, the reason they want to, or the reason they did.

 

There are a million and one things to learn about yourself if you look at how you justify doing things. Anything. Eating Krispy Kremes when you want to lose 15 pounds to potentially putting your children's security at risk.

Again, the "because I wanted to" for the Krispy Kremes covers why they did it, but the "I'm running a marathon tomorrow and need lots of sugar and carbs and this is my pre-race fuel" is a reason.

 

And very rarely does the reason behind a choice where children's security is put at risk is "because I wanted to." This is where the "because I wanted to" argument is best left to teenagers. Because it's a simple watering down of a complex situation that reflects nothing but maybe intent.

 

All the examples you pointed out still require some justification to the MM/MW to decide it's OK for them to partake.

 

Even if you don't give a rats ass about your wife anymore, you still have to justify the risk you assume by betraying her. She might decide to run you over with her car or shoot you and your AP while you sleep in your bed.

She might decide to, she might not, regardless, what landed you in the bed with your AP was something more complex than "I wanted to."

 

If you just decide on a moments impulse to have sex with another person with no thought whatsoever of the consequences, well then that's different and that person needs help.

I don't go so far as to say the person needs "help," just that at that moment, they were acting on impulse and weighing out the reward as greater than the risk, so they engaged in affair.

[goodyblue]

Then perhaps the man you live with now should have been living with YOU then, instead of his now former wife......................

 

Yeah. He was busy raising his children and trying to do the right thing.

[Got it]

There are proven situations were cheating occurs by a spouse who does fully love their bs.

 

Situations with addiction, depression, resentment, etc. can occur. And those are just a few examples. As unbelievable as it may be to you and yours, it does happen.

 

Sorry but there is no way they love anyone else with the above issues. They aren't loving themselves in a healthy manner how on earth can they love another?

 

You can love the person, but not in love with them and not in a healthy manner. Not if you are dealing with addiction, depression, etc that would cause you to act out in such an unhealthy manner. You don't love and value something and then turn around and do one of the very things to decimate it. Those two things are just not congruous.

[goodyblue]

The "but" does kind of cancel out everything that came before it...

 

 

 

In that case, I don't think that any affair or the reasons behind it can be so boiled down into somebody simply talking themselves into it and doing it. I know when I had an affair, that's not how either I or my husband thought about it when we started. I can't say that I've seen many others boil their affairs down so simply.

 

There were so many struggles when my guy and I were in the affair part of our relationship. I don't know how it could possibly be such an easy decision. It was difficult. It was not that we didn't love one another, it was trying to figure out what to do with what we were working with. So many facets to an affair...

[ComingInHot]

...Busy raising kids doing the "right" thing... NOT. Doing the right thing??!? GoodyBlue comeon, the "right" thing is what Your Husband did and I think you Know that. The right thing being, he left to have a life with you and (if there are kids) show them what a healthy happy relationship truly is that he has with you! Now he can have a totally open, Honest and Genuine relationship with his children WHILE setting a better example for them WHILE having his time with them being of best quality of time.

 

Listen I KNOW from what you have posted about your story that "you got your man" and from what you write He is better for being with you. I actually think it worked out for the best in your stitch. I just wish your posts came across with much less animosity towards the Current Wives of men who have cheated and for possibly DIFFERENT reasons than yours did.

I am not your H's BS. Many here are not. I'm sorry for you (I know you hate that too but I really am*) that your H's BS is horrible. I'm not though as well as many others. No need to post with so much angst just because some of our H's cheated for different reasons than yours but also decided to stay with their current wives for different reasons than you'd like to believe, and even some of us would like to believe.

Seems like if something doesn't suit then there is no considering any other perspective. .. ouch*

Edited February 17, 2014 by ComingInHot

[HermioneG]

Sorry but there is no way they love anyone else with the above issues. They aren't loving themselves in a healthy manner how on earth can they love another?

 

You can love the person, but not in love with them and not in a healthy manner. Not if you are dealing with addiction, depression, etc that would cause you to act out in such an unhealthy manner. You don't love and value something and then turn around and do one of the very things to decimate it. Those two things are just not congruous.

 

Infidelity isn't personal.

 

It isn't about the betrayed spouse or the affair partner. But the person they don't love and value enough? Themselves.

 

I agree that the person cheating has the problem. For sure.

 

But I do believe that some spouses who cheat believe they love their spouse. And they believe they love their affair partner.

 

It's all very complicated, and bad behavior for sure.

 

But at the end of the day- I don't have a problem with a spouse who claim they loved their betrayed spouse throughout the affair. Infidelity isn't about the betrayed spouse.

 

( the best reference and clinical summary of this is found in Pittman and Gottman's work, with the nitty gritty details of the why found in Fisher's work)

Edited February 17, 2014 by HermioneG

[eleanorrigby]

You don't love and value something and then turn around and do one of the very things to decimate it. Those two things are just not congruous.

 

I think unfortunately people do things like this all the time.

People love and value their lives, but will risk it to go climb Everest when they know there is a high probability they could lose their fingers, toes, or even life.

 

Risking something valuable can make the experience even more exciting.

 

If I can accept that your fake in a bubble Romeo and Juliet love is real, why can't you accept that my dead, "going through the motions", unauthentic marriage love is real? (general you)

 

It can happen, I've lived it. You can love a person and still cheat on them.

You won't be acting in a loving way while you are cheating, but there can still be love for the spouse underneath the betrayal.

 

If the affair can have a million different nuances, why can't the marriage?

Why is it a foregone conclusion that because you are currently acting in an unloving ****ty way, that you don't love that person anymore and maybe never will?

[jwi71]

Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her? My MM stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I know they have sex and they seem to get along. I'm looking for some insight.

 

An A is a poor barometer of one's love for another.

I love my W dearly...and I'm totally cheating if I Halle Berry ever knocks on my door beginning for an afternoon shag. (Again.)

 

All persons are susceptible to cheating. And its inherently a personal choice - having no real connection to the spouse. Cheating is in NO WAY a reflection on or of the spouse - or even the AP- but rather he or she who strays.

 

It is foolhardy to suggest otherwise....these boards and others are full of stories, from all viewpoints, of WS who returned out of earnest love for the WS...and others who left for the AP. And every possible combination thereof.

 

Ultimately, the essential Q becomes: Yes or No.

 

It really IS that simple.

 

After all...we all always have good reason for what we say and do.

[Fluttershy]

My husban loved me but he allowed lust and poor judgement lead him down the garden trail. In our situation is was a slippery slope of poor judgement and loose boundaries and denial that lead to his descision to cheat. It had nothing to do with our marriage or problems there. As it was not a love affair i believe it was much easier for him to choose to end it. I really do feel for people who put themselves in the position of loving two people and ultimatley hurting both and themselves. Well I care for the ones who care... Lol.

[rumbleseat]

Turn it around. Most ow will say their mm loves them. They will also talk about the things he does that hurt them, and how the a is hurting them. Most will also say that they never planned or wanted to be in an a, that it goes against their moral code. They don't like the idea that he is cheating on his w. Many feel guilty.

 

How many stories have been written on here about ow feeling miserable because they couldn't be with their me when they wanted to be,they couldn't contact him immediately if there was a problem, how they had to hide their relationship?

 

How could he love her and put her in that position? If he truly loved her, wouldn't he either leave his m as soon as possible to be with her, or if he didn't feel like he could do that, be honest with his w that he was eyeing so me one else so the ow wouldn't have to live with that guilt,and if he couldn't do that leave the potential ow alone and not even consider asking her to be in a position where she would be hurt?

 

Surely this is just as far fetched and idea as a ws loving the she is cheating on?

 

I'm not saying he doesn't love his w, or his ow or even both.he just loves himself more.

[CelticHeart]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

I suppose my question should have been why does a man who loves and is in love with his wife cheat on her? The "if" in my original question was not to imply that I doubted his love for her, I just didn't word it clearly.

 

I wanted opinions on the "why" because I can't imagine being in love with someone and cheating on them.

[Anne Boleyn]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

I suppose my question should have been why does a man who loves and is in love with his wife cheat on her? The "if" in my original question was not to imply that I doubted his love for her, I just didn't word it clearly.

 

I wanted opinions on the "why" because I can't imagine being in love with someone and cheating on them.

 

Well, my answer remains unchanged. I don't tend to think there is love if there is cheating. His mouth may say he does, but his actions prove otherwise. People who love their spouses, who care about them, don't cheat on them.

[HermioneG]

Well, my answer remains unchanged. I don't tend to think there is love if there is cheating. His mouth may say he does, but his actions prove otherwise. People who love their spouses, who care about them, don't cheat on them.

 

And following that train, they don't love the affair partner, either. People who truly love other people don't put them in that position of being in a secondary spot in a socially unacceptable manner. They don't harm their reputation or character that way.

 

Right?

 

See where it breaks down?

 

 

I am willing and able to accept that waywards can love their spouse and affair partner. And that the person they love the least is the wayward. Healthy people don't cheat. Period.

 

(Unless you're dealing with a straight up narcissist. Which is rare. Not that they are healthy, but that's so disordered it doesn't fit into the above scenario).

 

Does every wayward love their betrayed? No. Does every wayward love their affair partner? Again, no.

 

But a heck of a lot of them do.

[AutumnMoon]

My MM was just looking for sex at first. We were good friends and it started as intimate friendship, we thought we clicks add and just keep it about that. He does love his wife, but it's not a passionate romantic love and really they've only been together about 6 years, it's never been satisfying.. He thought he couple supplement it.. And we bother developed feelings which actually made the disconnect from our spouses worse instead of better. Him more so than me.

[goodyblue]

...Busy raising kids doing the "right" thing... NOT. Doing the right thing??!? GoodyBlue comeon, the "right" thing is what Your Husband did and I think you Know that. The right thing being, he left to have a life with you and (if there are kids) show them what a healthy happy relationship truly is that he has with you! Now he can have a totally open, Honest and Genuine relationship with his children WHILE setting a better example for them WHILE having his time with them being of best quality of time.

 

Listen I KNOW from what you have posted about your story that "you got your man" and from what you write He is better for being with you. I actually think it worked out for the best in your stitch. I just wish your posts came across with much less animosity towards the Current Wives of men who have cheated and for possibly DIFFERENT reasons than yours did.

I am not your H's BS. Many here are not. I'm sorry for you (I know you hate that too but I really am*) that your H's BS is horrible. I'm not though as well as many others. No need to post with so much angst just because some of our H's cheated for different reasons than yours but also decided to stay with their current wives for different reasons than you'd like to believe, and even some of us would like to believe.

Seems like if something doesn't suit then there is no considering any other perspective. .. ouch*

 

Erm... first let me say that I do realize I come off as callous. I don't mean to, I think it's just how I sound. I do also think my guy is better off with me. I think we are both better people.

 

I certainly don't have animosity toward current wives. I think if you can make your relationship work and be happy in it, that's a really good thing. I suppose you haven't noticed when I talk about things that happened in my relationship I am pulled on the carpet all the time. When I speak, I speak of my situation. I realize I'm not 'the norm' but I'm not so far out in left field either. Several women, even several just in this thread alone, are very happy in their relationship that began as an affair.

 

Think about it, Divine said I couldn't know what went on in their marriage, but she thinks she knows everything about me, simply based on a few lines typed on a forum. It's hypocritical and it gets old.

 

As an aside, I don't think the BS in our situation was horrible really, I just think that they weren't a good match, that they weren't in love and she was fine living that way forever. When he wasn't, she freaked. I hope she finds peace eventually and I am not happy at my part in making her miserable, even if she already was. We have been through a lot in order to have a good life together. For us, it's been worth it. I've thread jacked enough.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

[Anne Boleyn]

And following that train, they don't love the affair partner, either. People who truly love other people don't put them in that position of being in a secondary spot in a socially unacceptable manner. They don't harm their reputation or character that way.

 

Right?

 

See where it breaks down?

 

It all depends on the situation. Being in an affair doesn't automatically imply a lack of love... In my situation, we both knew we were married and understood we had obligations to other people (at the very, very onset of our affair). As a result, there was no "cheating" on each other, we didn't have a relationship with that level of exclusivity. Unlike with say a BS, who doesn't know there's somebody else. I did know, so I knew what the terms of our relationship was... This was one of them. It meant going through the motions with somebody else.

 

I am willing and able to accept that waywards can love their spouse and affair partner. And that the person they love the least is the wayward. Healthy people don't cheat. Period.

 

I think they could be feeling something confused as love... Lust, passion, responsibility, loyalty, obligation... Maybe even affection, admiration... But somebody isn't getting love. I just don't think he can love both of them. He can not love both of them, he could love one and not the other, but I don't buy into that he could love both of them.

 

I just have a really hard time buying into "I love you but I cheated on you." When I cheated, there was no "I love you, I made a mistake" and there wasn't with my H and his BS either. It was "I had an affair, I shouldn't have... No, I don't love you." Even when he was trying R, he made clear, he loved somebody, it wasn't her, but he was there and trying because he thought he had to.

 

(Unless you're dealing with a straight up narcissist. Which is rare. Not that they are healthy, but that's so disordered it doesn't fit into the above scenario).

 

Does every wayward love their betrayed? No. Does every wayward love their affair partner? Again, no.

 

But a heck of a lot of them do.

 

I agree, not every WS loves the BS, and not every WS loves their AP, but I really don't buy into that they love both.

[krazikat]

No, not really.

 

The op is asking why a mm would cheat on their wife of they loves her. That is the specific question.

 

"Why do men cheat on wife they love?Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her? My MM stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I know they have sex and they seem to get along. I'm looking for some insight."

[krazikat]

Sorry but there is no way they love anyone else with the above issues. They aren't loving themselves in a healthy manner how on earth can they love another?

 

You can love the person, but not in love with them and not in a healthy manner. Not if you are dealing with addiction, depression, etc that would cause you to act out in such an unhealthy manner. You don't love and value something and then turn around and do one of the very things to decimate it. Those two things are just not congruous.

 

As I have stated before in response to these types of ridiculous claims, just because you don't believe it for yourself doesn't make it false.

 

Just because someone is facing an addiction or depression or other issues doesn't mean they are unable to love or be in love.

[waterwoman]

I can only talk about my marriage, and of course I can only tell you what H says and what i have witnessed.

 

H never meant to have an affair. He just allowed himself to get too close to someone who craved support and affection.

 

Our marriage wasn't in a good place - long story, very boring and complicated (I am still trying to untangle the strands in my own head). We still loved each other but at the time it happened I am not sure we liked each other very much. I was deeply depressed and not good company, he refused or was unable to be the support I needed. I resented him, he resented me. But there was still a lot of love deep down. We would have fixed it eventually - I was already working hard on my depression.

 

He got too close to someone who I realise now is an emotional vampire of sorts. It started as an EA and had progressed to a partial PA. THey were getting careless, rumours were spreading.

 

He tells me that to start with he told me all about her and her problems - he did, I remember being concerned for her. Then he stopped because he began to realise that what he was doing wasn't OK, but by then he was committed to the relationship. He thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me even though he knew he was doing wrong. What he didn't realise was that I was aware of 'something' - he was behaving very out of character - but I never for a moment suspected an other woman.

 

For H our marriage was in a holding pattern while he concentrated on his relationship with her - he wouldn't admit that as he thought was still being a good H, buying me lovely birthday presents, taking me out for meals, we were still having sex etc - but I could feel the energy ebbing away. I was going crazy trying to work out what was happening whilst also digging my way out of the deep dark pit of depression I was in.

 

Many many years ago I had an EA.It started out as 'harmless' flirting and ended up far more serious. It was taking my attention from my H and it was only when OM tried to take it further and blow up our lives that I was shocked into ending it.

 

So in short my answer is, it is possible to start an affair and still love your spouse if the affair happens gradually and by 'accident'. It is possible to love two people at once when one is in one environment and the other person is separate. In our case I found out. H was shocked into stopping it. Two worlds collided, painfully. I often wonder what would have happened to our marriage If I hadn't found out. I beleive that all the love would have ebbed away and eventually there wouldn't have been any any left. It would have been a shock to H when he realised it because he would have sworn he still loved me and he never intended to leave me. Whether or not the relationship with the OW would have been a successful one I have my doubts but that is just one more piece of pointless speculation.

[cocorico]

The other side of that coin, do you really love someone that you are cheating with?

 

Is it love, to put a "Scarlett letter" on someone's chest? To have them go against any religious beliefs? To have them thought of less than to their children/family? Or possibly lose their job? Encourage them to be deceitful/lie? Is that loving another person?

.

 

And following that train, they don't love the affair partner, either. People who truly love other people don't put them in that position of being in a secondary spot in a socially unacceptable manner. They don't harm their reputation or character that way.

 

 

I find it interesting that people so readily assume the WS is "harming" their AP with "scarlet letters", religious compromise, job threats, deceit, "secondary social positions" and reputation all damage. First off, I'm sure very few people live in communities and work in environments with such medieval mind sets - I'm sure there are *some*, but proportionally very few - where public shunning or the threat of job loss are actually material. In most cases, it's simply none of anyone else's business, and so no great harm is being visited on the AP, and certainly not the kind of harm akin to the betrayals described by BS on these boards.

 

Secondly, the WS is not "doing" it to he AP. The AP is an informed, consenting adult (unless the WS lies about being M, which is a very specific and unusual subset of As) and decides for themself that any risks or costs are worth it. Sometimes, over time, their perception shifts and the balance between cost and gain shifts the other way; sometimes they discover additional risks or costs they had not considered before. But unless the WS lies about being M, an informed choice is made by the AP to enter the A.

 

Certainly, I do not recognise myself or my A in these hell and brimstone descriptions of As. It was something I chose to do, freely as an adult, and I was certainly never treated as "second best" or "socially unacceptable", and nor would I have allowed myself to be. Not every A is the worst case scenario. What As might be.