Why do men cheat on wife they love?

[cocorico]

The op is asking why a mm would cheat on their wife of they loves her. That is the specific question.

 

 

In which case the answer is, he wouldn't.

 

Either he wouldn't cheat, or what he claims to be "love" isn't.

[krazikat]

In which case the answer is, he wouldn't.

 

Either he wouldn't cheat, or what he claims to be "love" isn't.

 

Yet, in some cases, he does. I know it can be hard to grasp, but it does happen. Life is complicated after all.

[Anne Boleyn]

The op is asking why a mm would cheat on their wife of they loves her. That is the specific question.

 

"Why do men cheat on wife they love?Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her? My MM stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I know they have sex and they seem to get along. I'm looking for some insight."

 

I am aware, and I did address this. There were two similar, but different questions being asked.

 

Regardless, the OP came and clarified and I gave my answer... That I don't think one can be in love with one's spouse if they're having an affair with somebody else.

Edited February 17, 2014 by Anne Boleyn

[rumbleseat]

I find it interesting that people so readily assume the WS is "harming" their AP with "scarlet letters", religious compromise, job threats, deceit, "secondary social positions" and reputation all damage. First off, I'm sure very few people live in communities and work in environments with such medieval mind sets - I'm sure there are *some*, but proportionally very few - where public shunning or the threat of job loss are actually material. In most cases, it's simply none of anyone else's business, and so no great harm is being visited on the AP, and certainly not the kind of harm akin to the betrayals described by BS on these boards.

 

Secondly, the WS is not "doing" it to he AP. The AP is an informed, consenting adult (unless the WS lies about being M, which is a very specific and unusual subset of As) and decides for themself that any risks or costs are worth it. Sometimes, over time, their perception shifts and the balance between cost and gain shifts the other way; sometimes they discover additional risks or costs they had not considered before. But unless the WS lies about being M, an informed choice is made by the AP to enter the A.

 

Certainly, I do not recognise myself or my A in these hell and brimstone descriptions of As. It was something I chose to do, freely as an adult, and I was certainly never treated as "second best" or "socially unacceptable", and nor would I have allowed myself to be. Not every A is the worst case scenario. What As might be.

 

 

Irony, thy name is....

 

While you assume that no one else cares about someone being the ow because you don't care, you have no way of knowing this. You may surround yourself with people who share your world view, but assuming that everyone else shares it is nonsense. You are making the same assumption ( that everyone feels like you) that you find so irritating in other people.

 

Either you live in a subculture where affairs are accepted, or you are projecting your views on to society as a whole. I have a very strong suspicion that if we were able to ask members of your local neighborhood what they tink about affairs, the answers given might be very different than what your perception may be.

[rumbleseat]

In which case the answer is, he wouldn't.

 

Either he wouldn't cheat, or what he claims to be "love" isn't.

 

 

Thanks for the answer. I finally agree with you on something.

 

People who love someone don't subject them to a painful situation for their own gain. they don't lie to them, they don't continue to lie to them for an extended period of time to just so they can have them in their life. They wouldn't be in a relationship with someone else., and this applies just as surely to affairs as it does to anyone else.

 

A ws may love his wife, he may love his ow, but that version of love is really unhealthy. It's hurtful, dishonest and he needs to at like an adult and sort his life out. It shouldn't take years to do it while he seesaws back and forth hurting two human beings in the process.

[Fluttershy]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

I suppose my question should have been why does a man who loves and is in love with his wife cheat on her? The "if" in my original question was not to imply that I doubted his love for her, I just didn't word it clearly.

 

I wanted opinions on the "why" because I can't imagine being in love with someone and cheating on them.

 

I think I gave a why. But here it is again.

 

My husband is human. He has weaknesses. His moods and perceptions can change just like all of us. We had very loose boundaries in our lives as far as opposite sex friends are concerned. The outside validation felt good. The ego stroking for both of them. Harmless flirting became not so harmless. And then they made the descision to start down te road of no return.

 

He wasn't unhappy with me. He just got an oppurtuity and instrwad of showing character she gave him. In love affairs it can often be an inappropriate relationships that is nurtured and completely harmless.

 

It is completely unproven that people can be in love with only one person at a time. We have a great capacity for love. That i why people make poly work. But at some point in our society a person has to choose. And oftentimes if the hose is taken from them (either AP ends it or BS kicks them out) they pine for the one tey can't have. Or when puh comes to shove they choose their lifestyle over the ow they love because they love their lifestyle more. Doesn't mean they didn't don't love their AP. doesn't mean they don't love their spouse.

 

I've said this to BS and perhaps some AP need to hear it. It doesn't matter if your AP loves you or not. What matters is if they make you feel loved and cherished.

[cocorico]

Irony, thy name is....

 

While you assume that no one else cares about someone being the ow because you don't care, you have no way of knowing this. You may surround yourself with people who share your world view, but assuming that everyone else shares it is nonsense. You are making the same assumption ( that everyone feels like you) that you find so irritating in other people.

 

Either you live in a subculture where affairs are accepted, or you are projecting your views on to society as a whole. I have a very strong suspicion that if we were able to ask members of your local neighborhood what they tink about affairs, the answers given might be very different than what your perception may be.

 

If you read my post as stating that everyone thought / felt like me, you read it incorrectly. What I stated was that for *most* APs, being in an A did not in and f itself threaten their job, their reputation or their well being.

 

Anything beyond that is projection, and not what I wrote.

[Fluttershy]

If you read my post as stating that everyone thought / felt like me, you read it incorrectly. What I stated was that for *most* APs, being in an A did not in and f itself threaten their job, their reputation or their well being.

 

Anything beyond that is projection, and not what I wrote.

 

I'd say this is a pretty wrong place to say "most".

 

If the A is durin work hours it can threaten te job... So that depends on situation. Where I live OW do not proudly roam the street. Mistresses are secret and their repuation is in fact ruined when the affair comes out. They get the sideways glance from people and that sily stereotype of "better lock up my husbands". Which I think it is crap because i know unless the woman jumps from married guy to married guy an ow is not a danger to all married men. Though if A woman has engaged in an affair another woman may be hesitent to allow their husband to be around her alone. As she has proven she doesn't view married men as off limits. That is repuatation. The woman who soley goes after married men (not te average OW you see here) has a reputation of just that. That id what reputation means.

And as to the well being. The majority of people who post here and in real life HAVE had their well being affected. Their confidence, their mental health, even their physical health. By the secrets, guilt, shame, push and pull, uncertainty, ect. It takes a toll on a lot of OW.

Perhaps in your world and the friends you surround yourself eith being involved with a married person is no big deal. But in the vast majority of the interwebz and north america. It is.

[rumbleseat]

If you read my post as stating that everyone thought / felt like me, you read it incorrectly. What I stated was that for *most* APs, being in an A did not in and f itself threaten their job, their reputation or their well being.

 

Anything beyond that is projection, and not what I wrote.

 

 

And you know this how? You are making an assumption based on what? Your own views or your own workplace? You have zero understanding of the workplace environment of anywhere else, beyond what you choose to see or project on to others.

 

How do you know "most" workplaces are like this?

 

Many workplaces are not like this. Many workplaces, even if it is not at an official level, will not condone A's, and the people involved may find that, even of not on an official basis, their job is affected. For others, the policy may be quite explicit re: A's .

 

Is it an act of love to potentially expose an ow to this type of thing? While I do agree with you that ow and om go into the affair eyes wide open and make a choice about it that isn't what the thread is about. It's about the ws and can they love their bs and still expose them to the potential for being hurt.

[Anne Boleyn]

Irony, thy name is....

 

While you assume that no one else cares about someone being the ow because you don't care, you have no way of knowing this. You may surround yourself with people who share your world view, but assuming that everyone else shares it is nonsense. You are making the same assumption ( that everyone feels like you) that you find so irritating in other people.

 

Either you live in a subculture where affairs are accepted, or you are projecting your views on to society as a whole. I have a very strong suspicion that if we were able to ask members of your local neighborhood what they tink about affairs, the answers given might be very different than what your perception may be.

 

When I was in my affair, the knowledge of others was a risk I knew I took, as was the assumed lack of respect. I made the choice to continue because the lack of respect from the general rabble was really of no consequence to me when weighed against what I gained.

 

Now that some time has elapsed since the affair, the divorce, and now our remarriage, I have to agree with the PP... People cared a lot in the "gasp, can you believe?" sort of way for a little bit at the time. Now, years down the road, even amongst those who did the whole "gasp" routine back in the day really don't care. The number of people who care at all are very few and limited to the BS's inner circle, who enjoy her drama, stories, and reveling in the salaciousness of her gossip, which I think even they now know is the product of her delusions. As a whole, most people... They just don't care. And the more time that goes on, the less and less people care about such things.

 

The whole "Scarlett shows up to Melanie's party in a red dress" scenario just doesn't ever quite play out.

[Anne Boleyn]

I'd say this is a pretty wrong place to say "most".

 

If the A is durin work hours it can threaten te job... So that depends on situation. Where I live OW do not proudly roam the street. Mistresses are secret and their repuation is in fact ruined when the affair comes out. They get the sideways glance from people and that sily stereotype of "better lock up my husbands".

 

This is all very silly and over-dramatic.

 

An A during work hours can threaten a job, but it's not the A. It's the not working. Just like drinking during work hours could get you fired. That doesn't mean if you drink at home your job is done with.

 

And OW's do not "proudly roam the street?" Then where, pray tell, do OW go and what do they do? Are they locked-away shut ins who stand by the windows, behind the drapes, peering down the street like sailors wives waiting for the ships that contain their husband to come in? Realistically, if 40% of people have affairs, you can assume that 4 out of 10 women you see are OW. You may not recongnize them without the big red A around their neck, but they're there.

 

As to their being ruined... Again, I've yet to see the Melanie cast any Scarlett out of her party. Meaning, OW's have normal jobs, relationships, and lives, before and after.

 

When our A came out, I'd say 1/3 of people were upset/angry and took the route of ostracizing and shaming us... Of those 1/3, it was the BS, her mother, her friends, my AP's mother and sister, and various random family members. Of those people, only 1 still hangs onto it... His former BS. All others have accepted me into their lives and homes. His mother, who actually called my husband and said she hoped me and our son died... She sent me a Christmas card and gifts this year. Clearly, most have moved on and don't care.

 

1/3 actually weren't surprised. They noticed chemistry and figured it would happen sooner or later. More than once, people said that it was about time, or they knew it and didn't think it was a big deal.

 

1/3 didn't care. At all.

 

We weren't thrown out of people's houses, chased down the streets with pitchforks.

 

And as to the well being. The majority of people who post here and in real life HAVE had their well being affected. Their confidence, their mental health, even their physical health. By the secrets, guilt, shame, push and pull, uncertainty, ect. It takes a toll on a lot of OW.

 

And if you'd asked me at the time, like I'm sure those people would say now, that those well-being compromises were accepted as the byproduct of being the OW. At the time, they were worth putting up with to maintain the A.

 

Now, as somebody who's been through it, I can say that those feelings don't last forever. They do go away once the affair resolves itself, for better or worse. One day you'll either say enough and leave, or your partner will say enough and leave, or the affair will end. Like the emotions that come with all complex relationships, when the relationship resolves, the feelings do go away with time.

 

Perhaps in your world and the friends you surround yourself eith being involved with a married person is no big deal. But in the vast majority of the interwebz and north america. It is.

 

Honestly, to most of everybody, it's something when they first find out... But as time goes by... It really isn't anymore. It becomes no big deal to most everybody. Even on the "interwebz" and "north america." Most people don't cover their mouths, gasp, and react when they hear somebody they know had an affair, especially if the affair is resolved and happened years and years ago.

 

Like I said, for many who're fresh after DDay or in the midst of the affair or its recent breakup, it seems like the be all and end all, but it isn't. Eventually... It's not much of anything, really.

[Anne Boleyn]

And you know this how? You are making an assumption based on what? Your own views or your own workplace? You have zero understanding of the workplace environment of anywhere else, beyond what you choose to see or project on to others.

 

But that's something that swings both ways now, isn't it? You're making an assumption based on your own views of your own workplace, and what you've projected onto others.

 

For the record, I've held a lot of jobs, none of them had rules about affairs outside and on their own time. It's rather as hard to police as saying people can't smoke while they're at home. I'm not even sure of the constitutionality of making a legal action between consenting adults that occurs off work hours something that can be punished at work.

 

How do you know "most" workplaces are like this?

 

Many workplaces are not like this. Many workplaces, even if it is not at an official level, will not condone A's, and the people involved may find that, even of not on an official basis, their job is affected. For others, the policy may be quite explicit re: A's .

 

If it's not on an official level, that means nothing. Employers can't penalize you for doing something they have no policy against, especially on their own time.

 

The only policies I've ever heard about A's is the military, which can discharge you for having one... Though rarely does... And rules about relationships with co-workers. Some people say you have to report it, others say there can't be nepotism, but even at those places that talk about workplace relationships, I've yet to see one that said that an affair was a punishable offense.

 

Is it an act of love to potentially expose an ow to this type of thing? While I do agree with you that ow and om go into the affair eyes wide open and make a choice about it that isn't what the thread is about. It's about the ws and can they love their bs and still expose them to the potential for being hurt.

 

Perhaps it's difficult for you to understand as you haven't been an OW, but as a former OW myself, I can say that one makes the choice to risk whatever it is they risk by being in a affair. My AP didn't compel me to do it. I chose it. And vice versa. If you say that if he loved me, he wouldn't expose me to such things and would have cut me lose, by that rationale, it would pretty much be a locked-down, foregone conclusion that a person who has an affair doesn't love their spouse. If it's not love to have an A and risk the reputation of their AP, then it certainly isn't love to have your spouse have an affair and open you up to the hurt it may cause.

 

And honestly, to have somebody say "I'm willing to be with you and risk everything else," yes, a lot of people do take that as a very big, defining act of love. I know when people ask me "what made your A different, how do you know he won't cheat on you like he did with her?" A very simple answer is "because he risked everything for the idea of maybe being with me one day." While it's not the only reason, it's certainly a very big testament that you're willing to give up so much for the promise of maybe being with somebody.

[rumbleseat]

But that's something that swings both ways now, isn't it? You're making an assumption based on your own views of your own workplace, and what you've projected onto others.

 

For the record, I've held a lot of jobs, none of them had rules about affairs outside and on their own time. It's rather as hard to police as saying people can't smoke while they're at home. I'm not even sure of the constitutionality of making a legal action between consenting adults that occurs off work hours something that can be punished at work.

 

 

 

If it's not on an official level, that means nothing. Employers can't penalize you for doing something they have no policy against, especially on their own time.

 

The only policies I've ever heard about A's is the military, which can discharge you for having one... Though rarely does... And rules about relationships with co-workers. Some people say you have to report it, others say there can't be nepotism, but even at those places that talk about workplace relationships, I've yet to see one that said that an affair was a punishable offense.

 

 

 

Perhaps it's difficult for you to understand as you haven't been an OW, but as a former OW myself, I can say that one makes the choice to risk whatever it is they risk by being in a affair. My AP didn't compel me to do it. I chose it. And vice versa. If you say that if he loved me, he wouldn't expose me to such things and would have cut me lose, by that rationale, it would pretty much be a locked-down, foregone conclusion that a person who has an affair doesn't love their spouse. If it's not love to have an A and risk the reputation of their AP, then it certainly isn't love to have your spouse have an affair and open you up to the hurt it may cause.

 

And honestly, to have somebody say "I'm willing to be with you and risk everything else," yes, a lot of people do take that as a very big, defining act of love. I know when people ask me "what made your A different, how do you know he won't cheat on you like he did with her?" A very simple answer is "because he risked everything for the idea of maybe being with me one day." While it's not the only reason, it's certainly a very big testament that you're willing to give up so much for the promise of maybe being with somebody.

 

 

This is an interesting discussion, but perhaps one for a new thread?

[Owl]

Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her? My MM stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I know they have sex and they seem to get along. I'm looking for some insight.

 

Because they think that it will never be discovered/they can get away with it...and they've got an opportunity for some 'strange'.

 

Nothing more or less than that.

 

Love for the spouse, or for the AP, has nothing to do with the choice one way or another.

 

They think they can get away with it, and they have an opportunity to 'try' someone new.

 

It's not rocket science.

[goodyblue]

Because they think that it will never be discovered/they can get away with it...and they've got an opportunity for some 'strange'.

 

Nothing more or less than that.

 

Love for the spouse, or for the AP, has nothing to do with the choice one way or another.

 

They think they can get away with it, and they have an opportunity to 'try' someone new.

 

It's not rocket science.

 

Oh dear Lord. Really?

[anne1707]

Throughout my affair, I loved (and still love) my husband more than anything. I had an affair because of problems within me, not problems in my marriage.

 

I doubt that I am the only person who had an affair whilst still loving their spouse.

[Owl]

Oh dear Lord. Really?

 

As a man...yes, really.

 

I've got several friends that have been "a dawg". Their motivations have been no more complicated than that.

 

They truly thought that they'd not get caught, they'd get away with their wives never finding out, and all they were after (at least in the beginning) was that.

 

If they truly thought they'd get caught...they'd not do it.

 

How many affairs have we seen here year after year, where the AP indicated that "I never thought I'd get caught"...and it ended up with a d-day?

 

EVERYONE entering in an affair does so with some level up "I'm not going to get caught" in their mind.

 

If they don't think they'll get caught, it makes it easy for them to proceed with their actions without once giving thought to how much they love their spouses or not.

 

That doesn't mean that love for their AP doesn't come up later in the relationship...nor does it mean that they don't love their wives.

 

It just means that the allure of getting some strange, combined with the belief that they could get it without any repercussions, led them to do what they did.

[HermioneG]

Throughout my affair, I loved (and still love) my husband more than anything. I had an affair because of problems within me, not problems in my marriage.

 

I doubt that I am the only person who had an affair whilst still loving their spouse.

 

That is absolutely, word for word, exactly what my spouse has always said. Since day one.

[snappytomcat]

That is absolutely, word for word, exactly what my spouse has always said. Since day one.

mine too,which was hard for me understand until we went to mc

[Owl]

Throughout my affair, I loved (and still love) my husband more than anything. I had an affair because of problems within me, not problems in my marriage.

 

I doubt that I am the only person who had an affair whilst still loving their spouse.

 

See...now my wife felt that as the affair progressed, she was slowly falling out of love with me as she was falling more in love with him.

 

Which I can understand...she was investing more and more emotionally into her affair, and less and less into our relationship.

 

She never STOPPED loving me...it hadn't gotten near that point yet...but she certainly felt less as the affair progressed.

 

I don't disagree with what you experienced, Anne. Not at all...I think that a lot of it depends on what the WS and AP "want" out of the affair. In some ways, my wife's EA was likely going to be an 'exit affair'...although it wasn't me or even our marriage that she was wanting to 'exit', but the emotionally difficult times she was going through (with me) due to finances, kids ages, etc...

[anne1707]

That's just the thing isn't it Owl. There are different types of affairs and mine was not an exit one. There will be different combinations of feelings between WS/BS/AP. I would never consider for one moment saying that WS don't love the BS just as I would never say the WS doesn't love the AP. It will all depend on the particular circumstances.

[Anne Boleyn]

I think what it all boils down to in the end is on how one defines love. If you think love can exist without fidelity as long as there's regret or apology and an attempt to fix it, or a promise to stay... Then I suppose to that person with that definition of love, then love could exist between a WS and two other people.

 

If you feel that love means exclusivity and marital love only exists between two people and if you go outside of that, it means you're stating you don't have enough love for your spouse that you'd choose to maintain that relationship, then no, love doesn't exist from one person to two people.

 

I happen to subscribe to the latter. If I had a husband that had an affair, and came home and said that he didn't love her, did love me, or loved us both, or some combination thereof, I'd not buy it for a second. I'd think he was telling me what I wanted to hear, telling me what he thought I'd need to hear to keep from leaving, trying to manipulate the situation for sympathy, was setting up everything to be the OW's fault or otherwise minimize his role and involvement... At best, I'd think maybe, maybe he thinks he loves me, but he really doesn't... At no point would I ever, for a second, believe that he loves me if he was having an affair.

[meli40]

If someone cheats the marriage/relationship is BROKEN. Period.

The cheaters love their wives, children and family, BUT they are not in love with their wives, otherwise they wouldn't cheat.

Do they love the OW or not?

Either way these relationships are doomed.

 

If MM leaves the OW she will hurt, he will hurt, the wife will hurt if she knows.

If MM leaves the wife, he will hurt, his wife will hurt, his children will hurt and eventually all this will pass to the OW. The situation will be always complicated, especially if children are involved.

 

The ideal way would be this:

The wife finds another man.

The MM finds another woman. (not OW).

The OW finds another man.(not MM).

 

I mean, noone of these three (wife-OW-MM) deserve each other.

THAT SIMPLE!

[anne1707]

So I have one poster telling me I don't feel what I know I feel and I have another poster telling me my marriage is broken even though we have reconciled and are very happy together.

 

Strange. I would have thought I had a much better idea of what was going on in my life than people who had never met me.

[Anne Boleyn]

If MM leaves the wife, he will hurt, his wife will hurt, his children will hurt and eventually all this will pass to the OW. The situation will be always complicated, especially if children are involved.

 

No, not necessarily. It all depends on a variety of factors. As somebody who's been there, done that, and is currently living it, the situation isn't really all that complicated.

 

The ideal way would be this:

The wife finds another man.

The MM finds another woman. (not OW).

The OW finds another man.(not MM).I mean, noone of these three (wife-OW-MM) deserve each other.

THAT SIMPLE!

 

Says whom?

 

So I have one poster telling me I don't feel what I know I feel and I have another poster telling me my marriage is broken even though we have reconciled and are very happy together.

 

Strange. I would have thought I had a much better idea of what was going on in my life than people who had never met me.

 

I hope that the bolded part doesn't refer to what I said as that most certainly isn't what I said at all.

 

As to if the marriage is broken, I think very few people would argue that in the midst of an affair or for some time after, the marriage is unbroken and sound. After R, maybe, but during the affair? I don't think even the most optimistic or denial-driven BS would say that.