Popsicle Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) You are the exception I don't believe that. In some cases this might be the truth. In many, this is utter horse manure....................... What part of that is horse manure? What do you think it is? Are you a BS? Edited February 16, 2014 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I don't believe that. What part of that is horse manure? What do you think it is? Are you a BS? She is referring to the fact that your "only" three reasons for cheating are not, in fact, the only three reasons. Like it or not, many, many men cheat because they want the experience of a side piece and there are many, many women willing, ready, and available to fill that role. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I don't believe that. What part of that is horse manure? What do you think it is? Are you a BS? What do I think it is? I know what I have witnessed in my professional years: Availability, opportunity, immaturity, self entitlement, the list is endless when it comes to 'excuses' for clandestine activity, and none of them have a jot to do with love. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 What is tripping me up is the in love piece. Discussing it with my husband, when you are in love you are focused on them. I am not sure how you can be in love, actually truly in love with the person and cheat. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her? My MM stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I know they have sex and they seem to get along. I'm looking for some insight. I tend to subscribe to the theory that, if he loved her, he wouldn't be cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 What is tripping me up is the in love piece. Discussing it with my husband, when you are in love you are focused on them. I am not sure how you can be in love, actually truly in love with the person and cheat.[/QUOTe] ] You don't have to understand it or believe it in order for it to be true. I'm tripped up by a lot of behavior that I read about on this forum. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 ] You don't have to understand it or believe it in order for it to be true. I'm tripped up by a lot of behavior that I read about on this forum. I don't believe it is true. I don't believe you can be in love with someone and cheat on them. Not in a true, healthy, productive manner. Maybe in a toxic, codependent fashion, sure. But, no ,not in a true manner. But this is all just our opinions. We aren't actually discussing facts. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 It's just an attention thing IMO. And it has nothing to do with love. Healthy individuals make healthy choices, and think ahead, meaning that they anticipate the consequences of their behavior. If I find somebody attractive, and that person gives me attention, but I'm in a relationship and I respect my SO, I will - if I am a healthy individual and if I have some self control - make a decision that is healthy. For me, my family and for the sake of my SO. If I have no self control, get carried away easily by all the extra attention, and let myself get sucked into a secretive R with a third party, then it's just because I have poor boundaries and because I like the feeling of losing control, because those intense, secret emotions tend to cover up every other unpleasant feeling I might have in my unpleasant, boring every day life. It's not about love. It's about choosing to lose control, kind of like binge drinking and other addictive behavior. It simply masks the emotions that people might not be comfortable with. And all of a sudden the affair partner, the alcohol, the drug......becomes their savior. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 My Husband was "in love" with himself. .. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 She is referring to the fact that your "only" three reasons for cheating are not, in fact, the only three reasons. Like it or not, many, many men cheat because they want the experience of a side piece I call that "boredom" and did include it in my 3 reasons. I'm just not a wordy person. I also include cheating just because you have the opportunity in the boredom reason. I believe boredom is the source of those things. and there are many, many women willing, ready, and available to fill that role.Many, many women? I don't know about that. The number of women depends on how desirable the H is in general. Not all men are created equal. And, yes, OW congregate here on this forum and tell our thoughts (the internet is a good place for that), but we're clearly screwed up, and less women in the world are willing to be with a MM than you think. What is tripping me up is the in love piece. Discussing it with my husband, when you are in love you are focused on them. I am not sure how you can be in love, actually truly in love with the person and cheat. My Husband was "in love" with himself. .. My thoughts as well. I believe the WH's can't truly be in love with either woman if he is having both. Depending on the circumstances, some WH's might think he loves the W more, and some WH's might think he loves the OW more, but he truly loves neither while he is doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her? My MM stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I know they have sex and they seem to get along. I'm looking for some insight. Because they "have sex" that means he loves her? Wow.....I guess that is definition of "love" then? You can turn that around and ask...why do women do the same thing? This backs up up what I have said and continue to say...if you hook up with someone based on "looks" only, it's only a matter of time before they trade you in for the next looker. There has to be more substance there to keep the relationship going, and NO "sex" is not it.....anyone can get laid anytime/anywhere My Husband was "in love" with himself. . That is a good self awareness quality....lets be honest, we all love "ourselves" to a point Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I don't believe it is true. I don't believe you can be in love with someone and cheat on them. Not in a true, healthy, productive manner. Maybe in a toxic, codependent fashion, sure. But, no ,not in a true manner. But this is all just our opinions. We aren't actually discussing facts. You may be right, but by your definition, an A where the mm/mw stays in the M, continues to sleep with their h/w and continues to have a relationship that is loving enough to fool them does not love the om/ow, unless they either end the M or at least ask for an open one so they can be with their ap. It would seem that in pretty much any A context (albeit with a few exceptions) the ws loves the self more than anyone else, and their definition of " love" is really quite warped. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Can a person really love another person and yet take them for granted? Seems to me that a lot of WS here (in general, here, not necessarily on this thread) who claim to really love their spouse and, yet, still have an affair, also tend to take their spouses for granted. If one defines love as not only a feeling, but also something demonstrated in actions, then love is severely lacking during an affair. Still, the WS may act loving toward the BS in other ways, may have been more fully loving before the affair, and might yet be again in the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MyEvilTwin Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 It certainly does come down to how you define love, doesn't it? If your definition of love is no cheating, then there you go. Can one love, not cheat, then later cheat, then love again? I don't see why not. Can one love while cheating? I suppose love-- defined as not being able to cheat--that love could be on a back burner when other things are going on which led to the affair. After all there can be a lot of reasons for an affair, but one of them it seems reasonable to assume is "not being loving" at that time. Reasons for an affair might be someone very much in love but being very neglected or rejected by that spouse. It's a mess, but that doesn't negate that type of scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I don't believe it is true. I don't believe you can be in love with someone and cheat on them. Not in a true, healthy, productive manner. Maybe in a toxic, codependent fashion, sure. But, no ,not in a true manner. But this is all just our opinions. We aren't actually discussing facts. There are proven situations were cheating occurs by a spouse who does fully love their bs. Situations with addiction, depression, resentment, etc. can occur. And those are just a few examples. As unbelievable as it may be to you and yours, it does happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 What does it matter if the MM loves his wife? Why is that important to discuss or know? (not trying to shut down the discussion. I'm really curious why this is always so important to many OW) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 The other side of that coin, do you really love someone that you are cheating with? Is it love, to put a "Scarlett letter" on someone's chest? To have them go against any religious beliefs? To have them thought of less than to their children/family? Or possibly lose their job? Encourage them to be deceitful/lie? Is that loving another person? I believe, love is more than a feeling. During an affair a WS is not acting loving towards the BS or the AP. If they were, they would not have put either party in that position. That is not to say, that afterwards....once they are acting and giving love/ respect to whichever party they end up with that the previous "love" they showed was as deep as it will ever be. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Because they "have sex" that means he loves her? Wow.....I guess that is definition of "love" then? You can turn that around and ask...why do women do the same thing? This backs up up what I have said and continue to say...if you hook up with someone based on "looks" only, it's only a matter of time before they trade you in for the next looker. There has to be more substance there to keep the relationship going, and NO "sex" is not it.....anyone can get laid anytime/anywhere That is a good self awareness quality....lets be honest, we all love "ourselves" to a point I am not sure you read the post all the way...she said her mm told her he is in love with his wife...not that because he has sex with her he loves her....selective comprehension? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 What does it matter if the MM loves his wife? Why is that important to discuss or know? (not trying to shut down the discussion. I'm really curious why this is always so important to many OW) I don't know that people are asking if the MM loves his wife, just how it's possible to cheat on somebody you love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I don't know that people are asking if the MM loves his wife, just how it's possible to cheat on somebody you love. Ummm, isnt that pretty much the same thing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 The other side of that coin, do you really love someone that you are cheating with? Is it love, to put a "Scarlett letter" on someone's chest? To have them go against any religious beliefs? To have them thought of less than to their children/family? Or possibly lose their job? Encourage them to be deceitful/lie? Is that loving another person? I believe, love is more than a feeling. During an affair a WS is not acting loving towards the BS or the AP. If they were, they would not have put either party in that position. In our affair, I never doubted that my now-husband loved me and vice versa. The effects of following up on what our love was for each other wasn't one inflicting it on the other. It was two willing participants who agreed that to be together was worth the cost of the above, or the above isn't a factor in play. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Ummm, isnt that pretty much the same thing? No, not really. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I don't know that people are asking if the MM loves his wife, just how it's possible to cheat on somebody you love. So we are conceding the point that some MM do love their wives and cheat on them? The question is only "how is it possible to cheat on someone you love?" I think you justify it to yourself until you are good to go. You talk yourself into it. You change your perspective on anything that needs to be changed to make it OK to yourself to do what you want to do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 So we are conceding the point that some MM do love their wives and cheat on them? No, as I said before, I tend to subscribe to the theory that if somebody loved their spouse, they wouldn't cheat on them. The question is only "how is it possible to cheat on someone you love?" No, that's not the question. The question is: "Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her?" That little "if" is a big word. IF he loves his wife. Not he does love is wife, so how could he cheat on her. IF means he may or he may not love her, or at least theirs question on if he really does or not. The answer to that "if" could very easily be "perhaps he says he loves her but really does not." I think you justify it to yourself until you are good to go. You talk yourself into it. You change your perspective on anything that needs to be changed to make it OK to yourself to do what you want to do. Are we talking about me, are we talking about the OP, are we talking about you as an OW and how you came to be one, or are we talking about you as a BS who's assuming how the OW/OM came to be one with your spouse? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 No, that's not the question. The question is: "Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her?" That little "if" is a big word. IF he loves his wife. Not he does love is wife, so how could he cheat on her. IF means he may or he may not love her, or at least theirs question on if he really does or not. The answer to that "if" could very easily be "perhaps he says he loves her but really does not." Are we talking about me, are we talking about the OP, are we talking about you as an OW and how you came to be one, or are we talking about you as a BS who's assuming how the OW/OM came to be one with your spouse? The answer to that "if" could also be "perhaps he loves her but…." I'm talking about people in general. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts