Why do men cheat on wife they love?

[Owl]

If my husband, who I believe with every ounce of my being, who I firmly believe would never, ever cheat on me at all, ever, came to me and said "I love you more than anything, but I've been having an affair. I don't love her, I love you, I'm sorry" he could say he did it because he was drunk, lonely, bored, she was pretty, she tricked him, it just happened, or martians came and brainwashed him into doing it... No matter what, I'd say "you are full of crap. If you loved me you wouldn't be cheating on me, and all that time I thought you loved me, I was wrong. It was a nice lie to cover the affair and you're telling it to me now to soften the blow." He could cry, beg, plead, shake, hang his head in a toilet, apologize, give me money, buy me jewelry and flowers, and not a single ounce of it would make me think "gee, he does love me." I'd think it's an actor putting on a good show, a liar telling me another lie, a guy trying to make me feel better, somebody trying to lessen guilt, or one of many things said to salvage what I am now saying is broken. But not for a second would I say to myself "here's a partner who loves his partner."

 

 

Spoken like every BS posting on this forum...before they ever suspected that their spouse was cheating and actually had to FACE the reality of the situation.

 

You won't know what you're going to do until/unless you're ACTUALLY facing it...take it from those of us who HAVE been there.

 

It's funny that folks find my view point on why men who love their wives cheat on them as too simplistic...when I find the viewpoint you've listed as too simplistic.

 

"He wouldn't cheat if he loved her."...is just way too simplistic and unrealistic.

 

It's entirely possible they love their spouse...they simply love themselves more than anyone else, and so engage in whatever action they please with no thought to the likely outcome.

 

It's called "compartmentalization"...people do it all the time.

[Quiet Storm]

Love is subjective and means different things to different people. There is no way we can get into another person's mind and really know how they define love.

 

Some MM say the word "love", but use it the same way they would say they love pizza, motorcycles or movies. Like a commodity. The love is based on the MM's ability to use it or be entertained by it. It isn't based on the care, concern or consideration for another person. It's about what that person does for THEM. But if you argued with them, they'd say this is love. They'd say I love being with OW, I love talking to OW... but it's really all about the way she makes him feel. When OW needs help from him, when OW goes in the hospital & needs company... he's reluctant or busy. From his perspective he loves her, though.

 

For Anne, love is nullified by cheating. She takes cheating very personally, as an act against her (or against the betrayed spouse). She sees cheating as a reflection of a person's feelings. From Anne's perspective, there is no way that a cheater could love the betrayed.

 

I view cheating as something that isn't so personal. I view it as not so much a reflection of the marriage or the MM's feelings about his wife, but as a reflection of the MM's issues, lack of character or immaturity. For example, a drug addict behaves in very unloving ways towards his family, but he does not steal from his mom because he "hates" his mom. He stole because of his own issues within him, and his unloving actions towards his family are a reflection of those issues (addiction). His actions are not personal or targeted. They are not an indicator of the intensity of his feelings for anyone. It just happens that those he loves get hurt because of his selfishness & issues (collateral damage). Those in the midst of addiction or affairs behave in unloving ways. However, once the underlying issues that led to the affair or addiction are resolved, their hearts are often open to their spouses/family again. They will look back on their actions with regret...how could I do that to someone I love? From my perspective, cheating doesn't have to negate love because it's not about the relationship, it's about the cheater.

 

Other MM have the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" mindset, and in their minds they are protecting their wives from truths that would upset her. Instead of viewing the cheating as an act against his wife, he views it as an indulgence or an "extra". He keeps the secret because he doesn't want his wife getting all upset about something that isn't a big deal to him. So he handles in the same way that he might handle other indulgences... don't tell the wife I bought new golf clubs, don't tell the wife I went off my diet, don't tell the wife I slipped the grandkid $50, don't tell the wife I smoked pot, etc. So while it is clearly an act of disrespect, from MM's flawed point of view, he still loves his wife. He's just not going to worry her about stuff that he feels is insignificant. From his perspective, he loves her and still has her best interests at heart.

 

So as you can see, many people view love differently. We all have different ideas and expections regarding love. We also rationalize and minimize our actions that could be seen as "unloving" to those we love. We don't do this because we no longer love that person, but we rationalize & minimize because we are ashamed or don't want to be held accountable for our own actions. In other words, it's about "us", not them.

 

Picture a man that says he "loves all women". He enjoys the company of many types of women and sees something special in all of them. He loves being affectionate and expressive with women in general. He loves getting attention & being admired by women.

 

Picture a woman that views declarations of love as a significant & monumental event in a relationship. "I love you" carries a lot of weight. It means that this is serious, that he wants to be with me.

 

If these two get together, he will say "I love you, baby!" and she will take it much more seriously than he intended. This is because they both have different ideas & expectations about love and what it means.

Edited February 18, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Quiet Storm]

I would also like to add

 

Our upbringing has a huge influence on how we perceive and demonstrate love.

 

If we felt abandoned, if the family was dysfunctional, if there was triangulation going on, if we are the child of an alcoholic, addict or mentally ill parent. If we've been abused, neglected or ignored...lots of things can impact our view of love. How we feel love. How we show love. And if we love ourselves.

[krazikat]

I'm so frustrated about this matter. Yesterday I found out something that made me really angry and sad. My cousin got married almost 2 years ago with this good guy who loves her, they have a sweet kid together and they seem so in love, they always talk on the phone when they are away, share everything, he is a great father, the kids worships him etc. My cousin found out some time ago that her husband has accepted friend requests on facebook from some hot chicks (don't know where and how he found them) and he had deleted some of the conversations he had with them. My cousin made a fake profile, befriended him and started talking dirty to him. He replied and told her he is married with a kid but she said she doesn't mind and she wants to meet him. He told her he would go to her town in a few days so they'd meet. My cousin didn't have the patience to wait to meet him like the fake chic so she confronted him on the phone and he had the nerve to tell her that what she did (make a fake profile and play him) was bad and she could go take her stuff, leave the kid (!!!!!) and go away. I'm so angry at him! All the family considered him a great guy who adored her. Why the hell do men act like this? The most amazing part was that one day my cousin and her husband were on the phone, he was talking like usual, and at the same time he was typing on fb with the "fake" chic (his wife). She asked him "honey are you ok? you sound weird", and he said "everything is ok". I mean, what a nerve! I don't know what will happen from now on...

 

Yes, they can be such skilled liars. Sorry your family is facing this. He cant even talk his way out of that. I hope your sis is okay. Hugs. To make this ot, he seems a perfect example of one who loves himself more than anyone. He is manipulating her by telling her to leave the child. What an asshat.

[krazikat]

Spoken like every BS posting on this forum...before they ever suspected that their spouse was cheating and actually had to FACE the reality of the situation.

 

You won't know what you're going to do until/unless you're ACTUALLY facing it...take it from those of us who HAVE been there.

 

It's funny that folks find my view point on why men who love their wives cheat on them as too simplistic...when I find the viewpoint you've listed as too simplistic.

 

"He wouldn't cheat if he loved her."...is just way too simplistic and unrealistic.

 

It's entirely possible they love their spouse...they simply love themselves more than anyone else, and so engage in whatever action they please with no thought to the likely outcome.

 

It's called "compartmentalization"...people do it all the time.

 

This is so true.

 

I always said I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. And I have left 2 prior ltr's (one when I was 7 months pregnant at 17) so I even had the history of not putting up with that ****. On and after dday I was going thru the motions of leaving.

 

But this is the man I loved enough to marry and build a life with. The man I still loved so much. You really dont know how you will react in this situation.

[Got it]

Love is subjective and means different things to different people. There is no way we can get into another person's mind and really know how they define love.

 

Some MM say the word "love", but use it the same way they would say they love pizza, motorcycles or movies. Like a commodity. The love is based on the MM's ability to use it or be entertained by it. It isn't based on the care, concern or consideration for another person. It's about what that person does for THEM. But if you argued with them, they'd say this is love. They'd say I love being with OW, I love talking to OW... but it's really all about the way she makes him feel. When OW needs help from him, when OW goes in the hospital & needs company... he's reluctant or busy. From his perspective he loves her, though.

 

For Anne, love is nullified by cheating. She takes cheating very personally, as an act against her (or against the betrayed spouse). She sees cheating as a reflection of a person's feelings. From Anne's perspective, there is no way that a cheater could love the betrayed.

 

I view cheating as something that isn't so personal. I view it as not so much a reflection of the marriage or the MM's feelings about his wife, but as a reflection of the MM's issues, lack of character or immaturity. For example, a drug addict behaves in very unloving ways towards his family, but he does not steal from his mom because he "hates" his mom. He stole because of his own issues within him, and his unloving actions towards his family are a reflection of those issues (addiction). His actions are not personal or targeted. They are not an indicator of the intensity of his feelings for anyone. It just happens that those he loves get hurt because of his selfishness & issues (collateral damage). Those in the midst of addiction or affairs behave in unloving ways. However, once the underlying issues that led to the affair or addiction are resolved, their hearts are often open to their spouses/family again. They will look back on their actions with regret...how could I do that to someone I love? From my perspective, cheating doesn't have to negate love because it's not about the relationship, it's about the cheater.

 

Other MM have the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" mindset, and in their minds they are protecting their wives from truths that would upset her. Instead of viewing the cheating as an act against his wife, he views it as an indulgence or an "extra". He keeps the secret because he doesn't want his wife getting all upset about something that isn't a big deal to him. So he handles in the same way that he might handle other indulgences... don't tell the wife I bought new golf clubs, don't tell the wife I went off my diet, don't tell the wife I slipped the grandkid $50, don't tell the wife I smoked pot, etc. So while it is clearly an act of disrespect, from MM's flawed point of view, he still loves his wife. He's just not going to worry her about stuff that he feels is insignificant. From his perspective, he loves her and still has her best interests at heart.

 

So as you can see, many people view love differently. We all have different ideas and expections regarding love. We also rationalize and minimize our actions that could be seen as "unloving" to those we love. We don't do this because we no longer love that person, but we rationalize & minimize because we are ashamed or don't want to be held accountable for our own actions. In other words, it's about "us", not them.

 

Picture a man that says he "loves all women". He enjoys the company of many types of women and sees something special in all of them. He loves being affectionate and expressive with women in general. He loves getting attention & being admired by women.

 

Picture a woman that views declarations of love as a significant & monumental event in a relationship. "I love you" carries a lot of weight. It means that this is serious, that he wants to be with me.

 

If these two get together, he will say "I love you, baby!" and she will take it much more seriously than he intended. This is because they both have different ideas & expectations about love and what it means.

 

This is what I was trying to say. But to add on to it, when someone has an addiction, sickness, etc. their "love" for someone may be what they think constitutes love but it is not loving or healthy for the recipient. An addict may love others but they will also expose the lvoed ones to horrific things because of the higher priority - the drug.

 

I am not saying that the WS may say/think they love the BS but really? How is it loving for the other person? How does it build them up? Honor them? Respect them? Isn't that what loving someone is supposed to do?

 

Hasn't it been stated here that love is an action, a verb. So it is through one's actions they show their love for someone. So how is cheating on someone showing they love them?

[Anne Boleyn]

Spoken like every BS posting on this forum...before they ever suspected that their spouse was cheating and actually had to FACE the reality of the situation.

 

You won't know what you're going to do until/unless you're ACTUALLY facing it...take it from those of us who HAVE been there.

 

No... I'm telling you, this is how I feel and this is how I would feel. With iron clad certainty. It's how I felt then when I lived it, it's how I feel now, it's how I felt when I learned that my former husband was having an affair and I was the BS... I can say, without doubt or confusion, that this would be my response. No hypothetical. No maybes. No dismissive "you'll find out if you get there" or "well, it'll change if you find yourself in the shoes of a BS..." No, I really won't. I didn't then, I won't now, I certainly won't tomorrow.

 

Again, I understand why people write this off. Because the idea that somebody who has an affair but loves their spouse shakes up the entire core of what some people have been lead to believe about the affairs their spouses have been in. Maybe even the core of their reconciliation. If the presumption that I were there as a BS I'd feel differently and realize that people can love the person they're cheating on is and "I just don't know it," then whomever wants to believe that is welcome to believe it.

 

However, that being said, for me, saying that you love me and cheating on me is a conflict and impossible. You cannot love me on any level that I'd term love, I'd say you didn't love me, and nothing said subsequently as a reason, proof, or excuse behind why you love me and you've cheated could change my mind. No joke, no exceptions.

 

And just something to think about... If they can lie convincingly to you during an affair and keep it all hidden, chances are, they can just as easily lie to you about how much they love you and make it convincing. It's what they've been doing daily during their affair as part of their effort to not get caught. When it gets down to it, they have had plenty of practice in faking feelings to cover their own tush, so carrying it on is more of a means to an end and not particularly difficult. If I had wanted to maintain my marriage, I could have easily said I loved him and made it believable, especially if it's what he was willing to hear. My husband, doubly so with his BS.

 

Am I saying all WS's do that? No, of course not. But I'm sure some, maybe even many do. The realization that my spouse can already comfortably lie to my face about having an affair means they can comfortably lie to my face about loving me. Which is why all the "but I loved you still" and "I didn't stop loving you" would fall on completely deaf ears.

 

It's funny that folks find my view point on why men who love their wives cheat on them as too simplistic...when I find the viewpoint you've listed as too simplistic.

 

"He wouldn't cheat if he loved her."...is just way too simplistic and unrealistic.

 

And thus, maybe you define love differently. Maybe for you it's OK to cheat, or believable one can cheat and still love you as long as they're sorry and come back.

 

For me, it doesn't.

 

Simplistic or not, it's how I feel and I tend to wonder if it's being made complicated so we can arrive at a different conclusion, is it because that's the way it is, or is it because we really want that round peg to fit the square hole? At it's core, cheating is an act of betrayal, deceit, and the active choice to disregard one's partner. Taking that basic fact and converting it to "well it could still mean he loves me... And he says he does, so..." just seems like it's trying to make the best answer be the right answer or the answer that works and not the most logical answer based on actions and behavior.

 

It's entirely possible they love their spouse...they simply love themselves more than anyone else, and so engage in whatever action they please with no thought to the likely outcome.

 

It's called "compartmentalization"...people do it all the time.

 

Well, that doesn't sound like love to me...

[Candy_Pants]

Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her? My MM stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I know they have sex and they seem to get along. I'm looking for some insight.

Because love, sex, and fidelity aren't synonymous for everyone.

[cocorico]

I think some people have learned to accept so little, that they mistake someone's physical presence in their house as "love".

[woinlove]

Why do men cheat on their wife if they love her? My MM stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I know they have sex and they seem to get along. I'm looking for some insight.

 

I went back and read your first thread about feeling used by MM and him saying what you two want is not well matched. It seems clear that he wants to maintain his M and while he is having an A, he gives priority to time with his family and to not getting caught, over your own needs and concerns. He does seem to treat you as just someone on the side. You deserve more than that. I think the reasons he cheats are within himself, his own selfishness and immaturity and values, and his love for his wife is likely all the love he is capable of. He would need to work on himself and change if he wanted to be a more loving man, capable of maintaining an honest, loyal relationship with any woman.

[woinlove]

I think some people have learned to accept so little, that they mistake someone's physical presence in their house as "love".

 

how is that relevant to this topic? The OP is not addressing at all what the BW says, she is asking why the MM says he loves his wife and still cheats with her. If you look at a few back threads, it strikes me because he is very selfish and that clearly shows up in how he treats Celtic too. This MM has problems within himself that he'd have to sort out to treat either his wife or Celtic better.

[anne1707]

Edit: not worth it......

Edited February 19, 2014 by anne1707

[woinlove]

It's useful to remember that vindictiveness typically comes from hurt and pain, whether the person acknowledges it or not. Certainly lots of pain in this and the infidelity forum. Still the topic here is of a MM who says he loves his wife, has sex with her, gets along well, and continues to cheat - why does he do that? In this case, looks like extreme selfishness to me. Perhaps others issues within MM as well.

[PurpleCardigan]

Why am I not surprised by this nasty, vindictive remark. This superior attitude does get rather boring and tedious after a while.

 

I guess it is natural in forums, but I didn't take this as nasty or vindictive at all. I took it to mean that it really wasn't love. So while the MM said he was in love with his wife, it was actually two people merely cohabiting together. I do think that both the W and OW have learned to accept crumbs in the relationship with the man. But before you jump all over me, that this the world through my rose colored glasses.

 

OP, I can appreciate your original question. This relationship was my first with a married person and I made the fatal mistake of thinking that if he was with me (dating, calling himself my boyfriend, ILYs, sex, talking about the future) that he must not love his wife and was looking for a way out/would divorce her. I should have spent more time on the internet as I would have learned that most men don't leave.

 

It was VERY confusing to me that he could love two people at the same time -- me and his wife. I wrongly assumed that he truly didn't love her. My brain couldn't wrap itself around our truth which was he wasn't leaving his family and chose to believe other things making the ending much harder.

[Owl]

I think some people have learned to accept so little, that they mistake someone's physical presence in their house as "love".

 

I think you're right. I just don't think we're talking about the same people.

[scatterd]

I think if a person that is happily married and cheats does this because something is missing in their self. Some people can have it all and its never enough for them. They can search their whole lives to feel that void and they don't even know what that void is they are trying to feel.

[waterwoman]

Well I don't know.

 

Maybe I am wrong. I don't beleive he was behaving lovingly towards me whilst having the affair because an affair is by it's very nature a sign of lack of love. He insisted that he still loved me. Who knows.

 

Does he love me now? His words tell me so, his actions tell me so, his attitude towards me tells me so...but can I be 100% sure? Of course not. What goes on in his head is his and his alone if he chooses not to share it.

 

In the end how much does it matter. Love shmove! He is with me, in my life, my home, my bed. I am happy. I love him. If he isn't happy and doesn't love me that is HIS problem not mine. I gave him a million chances to go, he chose not to. What else can I do? When and if he changes his mind, the door is there, I am not his jailer.

[veritas lux mea]

No... I'm telling you, this is how I feel and this is how I would feel. With iron clad certainty. It's how I felt then when I lived it, it's how I feel now, it's how I felt when I learned that my former husband was having an affair and I was the BS... I can say, without doubt or confusion, that this would be my response. No hypothetical. No maybes. No dismissive "you'll find out if you get there" or "well, it'll change if you find yourself in the shoes of a BS..." No, I really won't. I didn't then, I won't now, I certainly won't tomorrow.

 

Again, I understand why people write this off. Because the idea that somebody who has an affair but loves their spouse shakes up the entire core of what some people have been lead to believe about the affairs their spouses have been in. Maybe even the core of their reconciliation. If the presumption that I were there as a BS I'd feel differently and realize that people can love the person they're cheating on is and "I just don't know it," then whomever wants to believe that is welcome to believe it.

 

However, that being said, for me, saying that you love me and cheating on me is a conflict and impossible. You cannot love me on any level that I'd term love, I'd say you didn't love me, and nothing said subsequently as a reason, proof, or excuse behind why you love me and you've cheated could change my mind. No joke, no exceptions.

 

And just something to think about... If they can lie convincingly to you during an affair and keep it all hidden, chances are, they can just as easily lie to you about how much they love you and make it convincing. It's what they've been doing daily during their affair as part of their effort to not get caught. When it gets down to it, they have had plenty of practice in faking feelings to cover their own tush, so carrying it on is more of a means to an end and not particularly difficult. If I had wanted to maintain my marriage, I could have easily said I loved him and made it believable, especially if it's what he was willing to hear. My husband, doubly so with his BS.

 

Am I saying all WS's do that? No, of course not. But I'm sure some, maybe even many do. The realization that my spouse can already comfortably lie to my face about having an affair means they can comfortably lie to my face about loving me. Which is why all the "but I loved you still" and "I didn't stop loving you" would fall on completely deaf ears.

 

 

 

And thus, maybe you define love differently. Maybe for you it's OK to cheat, or believable one can cheat and still love you as long as they're sorry and come back.

 

For me, it doesn't.

 

Simplistic or not, it's how I feel and I tend to wonder if it's being made complicated so we can arrive at a different conclusion, is it because that's the way it is, or is it because we really want that round peg to fit the square hole? At it's core, cheating is an act of betrayal, deceit, and the active choice to disregard one's partner. Taking that basic fact and converting it to "well it could still mean he loves me... And he says he does, so..." just seems like it's trying to make the best answer be the right answer or the answer that works and not the most logical answer based on actions and behavior.

 

 

 

Well, that doesn't sound like love to me...

 

We people are so arrogent to persume we know what others feel. It is so easy to just go cold, say "they mustn't love me", and shut them out. If you ever have a child who goes all crazeee and treats u like crapola I feel sorry for you. Hard people who mistake that for strength may enjoy life not being hurt and hurting others with their opinion. I'm glad my husband was so narrowminded. You see he realized not every situation is the same. It isn't cut and dry. And that is was about me experiencing strange and acting like a rebellious teenager cuz of my own issues. My affair was short and i didnt think id get caught. But because i loves my husband i felt terrible and culdnt seperate the two relationships. So i told him about it.

 

But I love him. I always loves him. And I am in love with him. I am not perfect. But nobody who doesn't know how I think can tell me how I feel. It is just to simple when losin an argument to go back to the old crutch of we view love different. No we dont. Because cheating was wrong and went against my love for my husband. And it went against what i believed. But it was an abbieration of my character you know? And it really does boil down to not grtting caught. I culd say that it you truly loved someone you wouldnt be able to draw such a hard line and shut down your love when things don't go the way you want.

 

Fidelity isn't love. Lust isn't love. Having a rough patch with yourself where you screw up or whatever doesn't mean you don't love your spouse it just means your human. And it doesn't make it okay. I think all people involved in affairs need to make a choice an end the affair one way or another. Because it sucks when we hurt the ones we love. But that is exactly who we hurt the most.

 

Not all WS love their BS or AP. I am not so stuck up that I'd claim that absolute. Or say I know what every situation is life from a one night stand to a slippery slope.

 

I love my H. He loves me. And I will always love him.

[yellowmaverick]

We people are so arrogent to persume we know what others feel. It is so easy to just go cold, say "they mustn't love me", and shut them out. If you ever have a child who goes all crazeee and treats u like crapola I feel sorry for you. Hard people who mistake that for strength may enjoy life not being hurt and hurting others with their opinion. I'm glad my husband was so narrowminded. You see he realized not every situation is the same. It isn't cut and dry. And that is was about me experiencing strange and acting like a rebellious teenager cuz of my own issues. My affair was short and i didnt think id get caught. But because i loves my husband i felt terrible and culdnt seperate the two relationships. So i told him about it.

 

But I love him. I always loves him. And I am in love with him. I am not perfect. But nobody who doesn't know how I think can tell me how I feel. It is just to simple when losin an argument to go back to the old crutch of we view love different. No we dont. Because cheating was wrong and went against my love for my husband. And it went against what i believed. But it was an abbieration of my character you know? And it really does boil down to not grtting caught. I culd say that it you truly loved someone you wouldnt be able to draw such a hard line and shut down your love when things don't go the way you want.

 

Fidelity isn't love. Lust isn't love. Having a rough patch with yourself where you screw up or whatever doesn't mean you don't love your spouse it just means your human. And it doesn't make it okay. I think all people involved in affairs need to make a choice an end the affair one way or another. Because it sucks when we hurt the ones we love. But that is exactly who we hurt the most.

 

Not all WS love their BS or AP. I am not so stuck up that I'd claim that absolute. Or say I know what every situation is life from a one night stand to a slippery slope.

 

I love my H. He loves me. And I will always love him.

 

This post is beautiful. I could actually feel your love for your husband.

[rumbleseat]

No... I'm telling you, this is how I feel and this is how I would feel. With iron clad certainty. It's how I felt then when I lived it, it's how I feel now, it's how I felt when I learned that my former husband was having an affair and I was the BS... I can say, without doubt or confusion, that this would be my response. No hypothetical. No maybes. No dismissive "you'll find out if you get there" or "well, it'll change if you find yourself in the shoes of a BS..." No, I really won't. I didn't then, I won't now, I certainly won't tomorrow.

 

Again, I understand why people write this off. Because the idea that somebody who has an affair but loves their spouse shakes up the entire core of what some people have been lead to believe about the affairs their spouses have been in. Maybe even the core of their reconciliation. If the presumption that I were there as a BS I'd feel differently and realize that people can love the person they're cheating on is and "I just don't know it," then whomever wants to believe that is welcome to believe it.

 

However, that being said, for me, saying that you love me and cheating on me is a conflict and impossible. You cannot love me on any level that I'd term love, I'd say you didn't love me, and nothing said subsequently as a reason, proof, or excuse behind why you love me and you've cheated could change my mind. No joke, no exceptions.

 

And just something to think about... If they can lie convincingly to you during an affair and keep it all hidden, chances are, they can just as easily lie to you about how much they love you and make it convincing. It's what they've been doing daily during their affair as part of their effort to not get caught. When it gets down to it, they have had plenty of practice in faking feelings to cover their own tush, so carrying it on is more of a means to an end and not particularly difficult. If I had wanted to maintain my marriage, I could have easily said I loved him and made it believable, especially if it's what he was willing to hear. My husband, doubly so with his BS.

 

Am I saying all WS's do that? No, of course not. But I'm sure some, maybe even many do. The realization that my spouse can already comfortably lie to my face about having an affair means they can comfortably lie to my face about loving me. Which is why all the "but I loved you still" and "I didn't stop loving you" would fall on completely deaf ears.

 

 

 

And thus, maybe you define love differently. Maybe for you it's OK to cheat, or believable one can cheat and still love you as long as they're sorry and come back.

 

For me, it doesn't.

 

Simplistic or not, it's how I feel and I tend to wonder if it's being made complicated so we can arrive at a different conclusion, is it because that's the way it is, or is it because we really want that round peg to fit the square hole? At it's core, cheating is an act of betrayal, deceit, and the active choice to disregard one's partner. Taking that basic fact and converting it to "well it could still mean he loves me... And he says he does, so..." just seems like it's trying to make the best answer be the right answer or the answer that works and not the most logical answer based on actions and behavior.

 

 

 

Well, that doesn't sound like love to me...

 

 

Holy God, that has to be one of the best examples of irony that I have ever read on here, but I thank you for your words.

 

With this one post, you have backed up the thought from every bs that an ap who lies to his/her bs is skilled at lying and can do it well enough to not arouse suspicion in the om/ow now turned h or w.

 

Thanks for making my day

[rumbleseat]

I think some people have learned to accept so little, that they mistake someone's physical presence in their house as "love".

 

 

And yet another ironic post. This is making my day. I don't think I can take much more lest I laugh too much

Edited February 19, 2014 by rumbleseat

[Quiet Storm]

I think some people have learned to accept so little, that they mistake someone's physical presence in their house as "love".

 

 

Many men express their love as commitment. However, many men also don't view commitment as sexual fidelity. They express their commitment by being part of the home & family, providing, nurturing, supporting, loving, JUST BEING THERE etc. They can love many women in their lifetime in different ways, but often only commit to one. Most see themselves buried next to the one they commit to. Most men don't voluntarily leave unless it's really bad.

 

OW often believe that by honoring his commitment, MM is failing himself. "That's not love. That's duty. That's obligation". I think it's a mistake for OW to minimize what this commitment means to MM by devaluing it. It's important to realize that commitment is something that many men value much more than romantic love. Maybe his marriage is not 100% happy & romantic, but leaving it would cause more internal strife than staying ever would. Not honoring that commitment would be a failure from his POV. Not just to his family, but to himself.

 

So while affairs often include romance, passionate sex, long intimate talks and amazing connections, does MM value those things more than his commitment to his wife & marriage? Usually not.

 

I think this is why...

 

Many American men were raised by fathers that expressed their love with commitment. Providing, supporting, being strong through hard times- that is how many of our men were shown how to love. Boys grow up admiring "heros"- men that protect, honor and stay strong in the face of adversity. Men take care of what they love, and this is often expressed by the "love language" known as "acts of service".

 

American women are often influenced by romantic love. Movies & TV shows for girls focus on romance & finding "the one". Many girls dream of fairy tale weddings, we love to talk & express our feelings, we want to feel special, treasured, nurtured. We often view romantic love as a necessity in a marriage, and even call a marriage "dead" if there is no romance.

 

I think these early influences result in a lot of confusion & false assumptions in many affairs. The OW feels loved because she values the romance & connection. MM values the romance & connection, too, but in most cases, not nearly as much as his commitment. OW often ends up heartbroken because she assumes the qualities of love that are meaningful to her, are just as meaningful to MM. Most OW hope that the intensity of those feelings lead to commitment, which usually doesn't happen.

 

So I think having a physical presence in his home is very important to many MM, and is often a reflection of his commitment and his idea of love, as flawed as it may be.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[eleanorrigby]

 

In the end how much does it matter. Love shmove! He is with me, in my life, my home, my bed. I am happy. I love him. If he isn't happy and doesn't love me that is HIS problem not mine. I gave him a million chances to go, he chose not to. What else can I do? When and if he changes his mind, the door is there, I am not his jailer.

 

That is where I am too with wondering if/how much/when he loved me.