Having second thoughts about separating - needed

[elgringo]

Sorry if this is long. I had posted previously about wife demanding that I agree to adopting a 3rd child. I had reluctantly agreed to the adoption after relentless pressure from wife. Back in December, I started to panic and told my wife that I REALLY did not want to go through with the adoption. She said that it was too late to cancel it and that if i tried to cancel adoption she would divorce me. I assumed we would be getting a divorce and reached out to a woman at work who i am attracted to. We began an emotional affair. Nothing physical has happened and we havent met outside of work. Only talking and emails - nothing sexual. Wife got wind of EA and had laptops scanned at computer forensics place. She threatened to expose my relationship to my boss if i cancelled adoption. I took threat seriously enough to consult attorney about it. $375 later I am not worried about losing my job. This was a deal breaker for me. I felt that i could no longer be with a person who is blackmailing me.

 

Wife changed tactics and tried to get me to let her adopt with the understanding that we would separate later. She has a wealthy aunt who said she would give her 30k a year and that she would waive alimony and allow me to pursue the relationship with OW. Mentioned proposal to my attorney and he said absolutely not. I could end up in trouble and in any case it amounts to adoption fraud. Wife then dropped threat to expose me at work and to divorce me if adoption was canceled. Her crazy aunt said she would write her out of the will if adoption was canceled.

 

Wife canceled adoption on Wednesday. She is furious with me. She found an email address of OW and sent her an email to warn her about my character. I should state again that nothing sexual happened but that we were forming an attachment and starting to have feelings for each other. Great chemistry and connection as well as physical attraction. Email from wife spooked OW. Rightly so, I guess. She says that we need to put the brakes on and wait until we can date without having to keep it a secret. I know she is right, but it sucks. It will take at least a year for me to get a divorce. Attorney is writing a separation agreement and it should be ready for wife to look at next week. I am looking for apartments and houses to rent.

 

Wife is worried she will lose the house. She is working 1 day a week and as far as I can tell has made no effort to look for a job. Losing the house would be tough on our 2 girls. I guess I'm wondering if I should give my wife and I a chance to fix our marriage. We have been married for 18 years. Wife has made 2 marriage counseling appointments, but then cancels them. Also wondering how much of a factor OW was in all of this. Obviously, I would not have acted on my feelings for her if things were good at home. I've made quite a mess of things for sure. Even worse, my daughters have heard my wife ranting at me about this other woman and I dont want them to think badly of me. Should I try to reconcile with wife or move on? My counselor told me to ask myself 2 questions in regards to staying or not. 1. Do you love the woman? 2. Is she good for you? Honestly I dont know if i love her, but i dont think we are good for each other. I think we have grown apart. Very frustrating situation. Argggh!

[Yasuandio]

1. You were pushed into it.

 

2. When you couldn't go through with it, you were threatened with divorce.

 

3. When that threat did hold water, your wife threatened your job, and perhaps even career and reputation. "I felt that i could no longer be with a person who is blackmailing me."

 

4. When that didn't work, she tried to bargain, offering you a settlement without alimony if you would commit adoption fraud.

 

5. When that did pan out, she pulled the "poor me" routine, saying her wealthy Aunt plans to write her out of her will if the 3rd adoption doesn't take place.

 

First, you were pushed and your arm was twisted and you went along with the application, that was your first mistake (so you are not lily white, you should not have let it go this far). Second, your wife can be understandably disappointed, even angry - but to present you the ultimatum: it's either the adoption or divorce, is beyond outrageous. I think it demonstrates an extremely "odd" sense of where her priorities are.

 

Your poor judgment aside, it serves no good purpose to destroy the family income, and possibly future income at this moment out of anger. One could tolerate and understand a woman scorned, but blackmail to adopt a child "OR ELSE" is again, that rather "odd" reasoning, not jealousy. If you fear damages, and have to see an attorney due to the threats of your spouse, not is not a marriage of trust. And won't be for a long time into the future.

 

Adoption fraud probably didn't cross the minds of these desparate women, however, it is clear they are working together to manipulate you in the fouth example. When that proposal fell through, the Aunt doesn't now seem so reliable, does she? And, per this example, it is never a good to live your life banking on what someone promises to you in thier will.

 

You don't have much to work with here sir. I think you made the right choice. Your wife needs to see a psychiatrist. After this event - it would be difficult to fall back into a normal marriage. Even once the Divorce is on the table, without the adoption drama, the harmony and flow of a special bond has been perminatently damaged. The EA does the same thing. There are so many variables working against your success. But maybe separation, a year apart may help both of you. Hope this little analysis helps, Yas

[Tayken]

Should I try to reconcile with wife or move on? My counselor told me to ask myself 2 questions in regards to staying or not. 1. Do you love the woman? 2. Is she good for you? Honestly I dont know if i love her, but i dont think we are good for each other. I think we have grown apart. Very frustrating situation. Argggh!

 

From person experience and other people have spoken to about this....Just the mere fact that she threatened you and the way you are feeling about the relationship this far...are you willing to wait for the next time she blackmails you again?

 

Yes you have been married 18yrs, how many of those were happy times? Mine was 9yrs and we had a kid 5yrs in because she had a kid from a previous. I'll have ended mine years ago, but decided the best time to do this was when the kid was 4yrs old. She thought I was kidding at first when I told her...we tried mediation to try and work it out, but her emotions got in the way and I served her papers instead

 

I was miserable in that relationship where I was doing more than I was receiving. I can tell you this though, move out of the master bedroom, get yourself a combination safe and start keeping your stuff in there. Also arm yourself with a tape recorder and always have it on.....whatever you do, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE if you want shared custody of your kids. Judges won't disrupt a status quo, and if you allow her to build one, you will be shooting yourself in the foot.

 

A friend of mine had his parents separate last year after 37yrs...makes you wonder how long they've been pretending to be happy doesn't it?

 

Start the proceeding and have her SERVED. Google "THE LIST" and make sure you read it, it's a list for divorcing fathers