Dads: What's it like having step children?

[M30USA]

Any time I think about dating, inevitably I start realizing the high likelihood that she (like me) will already have children and be divorced. When I actually think about what I'd prefer, I don't know. Obviously taking on new children is a challenge but would I really want a woman who has not had children or been married? I'd have to go through all of it again.

 

Anyway, getting back to the point. It's got to be a lot harder for dads in this area than moms. As a mom, you most likely have primary custody with your kids being at your house the bulk of the time. So the step-kids probably just stay for weekends. But as a dad, you basically will see your step-kids MORE than your own biological kids. That's gotta be tough. I can't imagine all the things that go along with that. How do you prevent making your own kids second fiddle? How do you handle the fact that, in all honesty, you really just want to be around the woman and not her kids? (I know I'll get grilled for this, but just be honest guys. You know that's a natural feeling.)

[Tayken]

Any time I think about dating, inevitably I start realizing the high likelihood that she (like me) will already have children and be divorced. When I actually think about what I'd prefer, I don't know. Obviously taking on new children is a challenge but would I really want a woman who has not had children or been married? I'd have to go through all of it again.

 

Anyway, getting back to the point. It's got to be a lot harder for dads in this area than moms. As a mom, you most likely have primary custody with your kids being at your house the bulk of the time. So the step-kids probably just stay for weekends. But as a dad, you basically will see your step-kids MORE than your own biological kids. That's gotta be tough. I can't imagine all the things that go along with that. How do you prevent making your own kids second fiddle? How do you handle the fact that, in all honesty, you really just want to be around the woman and not her kids? (I know I'll get grilled for this, but just be honest guys. You know that's a natural feeling.)

 

 

You ask a damn really good question, and this is the kind of threads that is bound to get some people really wound up. As usual, am going to shoot from the hip

 

My story: My ex had a daughter when I came along, full time custody so she was always there and you couldn't just go off and do stuff with your new wife....everything had to revolved around the kid otherwise she got bored, and will always ask what is there for me to do.

 

5 years later, we had our own child, and now you are caught between caring for your own child, with another child being in the house who is now feeling that attention is being paid to the new child. Anyway....I never did have discipline rights with ex's kid and she felt the need to let the kid get away with stuff because the father was not in the picture. One of the things that ended our marriage by the way

 

Most women will dictate to you from the start that "they come as a package", and "you are to show respect for the kid(s)"...however they leave out the part where the kid is to respect you also, and that if you say something to the child like tidy your room, it should be a united front without mum overturning what you just said.

 

Having lived through all that...I personally would not blend a family and take on somebody with young kids (especially if they are girls). You are more likely to have a chance being involved if they are boys as opposed to girls

 

I also think if a woman has her kids half the time, it allows for quality time between both of you, as you are able to make better use of that week off and just concentrate on each other

 

Finally....when taking on a woman with kids, you have to be cognizant of the fact that...she might come after you for child support even though she is already collecting CS from the kids father, if she is able to establish that you stod in place of a parent to the kid(s). You will be surprised at how many women have this hidden agenda

 

They will usually claim "I am not looking for a father for my kid(s), but when things go belly up...you can be certain that they will be coming after ya.

 

This might sound hypocritical, but I won't get involved with a woman with young kids, even though am a single dad with a toddler myself operating a 50/50 shared custody. I have been there once, and sure as hell don't want to do it again.

 

I am in a higher pay bracket, and the chances of me going after a new partner for CS for my child, is just zero ....so I have a lot more to lose than someone else coming into my life. Young people are out as they might want kid(s)....so my pool of potential future partners is really minute

 

Bloody h3ll...did I just write all that? LOL

[RonaldS]

I don't have step-children and it's extremely unlikely that I ever will. Not because I don't want to have other kids around, but because I just don't have any interest in that kind of committed relationship again.

 

I've dated a couple of women who had kids, and to me, the idea just seemed a little weird. I never let it get to the point where I knew the kids, which is good. I kind of feel like, 'I have my kids', and I don't want anymore. And I don't want to come into a child's life if there is not a guarantee that I'm going to stay in that child's life. My childhood was filled with step-dads who ended up leaving at some point. I just don't want to do that to a child who has already had enough to cope with by virtue of being the product of a divorce/broken home or whatever.

 

If I met somebody who I just could not live without (which I won't), and she had kids, I guess I would have to sit down and evaluate that. But it doesn't seem appealing to me. Along the same lines, I have no desire for my kids to have a step-mom. They're already on the verge of having a step-dad, and that's plenty for them, I think.

[Tayken]

ETA: A woman with kids has a lot more to get out of me than me out of her, especially if her kids are always going to be around. In order to avoid being trapped into some unwanted situation, my Xmas gift to myself was a Vasectomy

 

One child is enough for me

[M30USA]

Both great responses.

 

Let me ask you guys a question: All other things beings equal, who do you think people are more leery of getting involved with? Single moms or single dads? (Assume for this question that the moms have primary custody and the dads have alternating weekends.)

[Tayken]

Well...the issue I see with dads that have EOW, and I know most of the time it's not their choice, is that they are perceived as "not involved" in their kid(s) lives, or that "they did something wrong" that didn't allow them to have 50/50

 

Personally....When I see / meet a woman that has her kid(s) all the time, it raises a red flag for me having been there with my ex and her daughter. I start thinking...why does she have the kids, is it money motivated, was the father really that a problem (alcohol, abuse, didn't care etc) and I get curious

 

Some women deny their kid(s) maximum contact with their father because they want full table amount when it comes to child support as opposed to an offset amount. My ex tried that, and when she called my bluff and told me to "take her to court"...I did just that, and in her response to my claim, she agreed to 50/50

 

Here is what the law here says...

 

Stepchildren

 

This is another important topic, often overlooked by couples. To help clear things up, I have covered this in this chapter.

PAYING REQUIREMENTS

 

To the surprise of most people, stepparents may be required to pay child support for their stepchildren.

This can be true even if the child's biological father is already paying child support. In fact, it is not uncommon for the custodial payer to receive payments from more than one former spouse.

In stepparent cases, courts are given the discretion to decide how much child support should be paid. One commonly applied “rule of thumb” is to calculate how much the stepparent would be required to pay under the Child Support Guidelines, then deduct from that the amount of child support that the biological parent is paying.

If the biological parent is not paying anything (for instance, the biological parent is unemployed, ill or cannot be located), then the stepparent may be on the hook for the full table amount of child support.

A stepparent, then, may be required to pay any amount ranging from a token top-up amount to the full amount called for by the Child Support Guidelines.

 

 

DECIDING FACTORS

 

The test to determine whether a stepparent must pay child support is whether the stepparent has “stood in the place of a parent for the child” or as lawyers often like to say “in loco parentis.” Generally, if you’ve lived with the children for any substantial amount of time, you’re going to be on the hook for child support. However, if your had a more transient relationship, then you may not need to pay child support.

Even if your relationship with the stepchildren is strained, has broken off, or was never very strong, or even if it was the reason for you breaking up with your partner, you may well be found to have acted in loco parentis to the children. This is particularly so if you financially support the children beforehand, even in an indirect way such as making the mortgage payments.

 

 

TWO FATHERS

 

An interesting question asked is if a child can receive child support from two fathers? Yes, provincial legislation and the federal Child Support Guidelines allow for support to be paid by more than one parent, usually a biological parent and a step-parent. However, support may be ordered for two step-parents as well.

There is no need for the payor to be of the opposite sex, either.

 

Termination of Child Support

 

After years of paying child support, you have finally met your obligations. Now comes the time for termination but along with that, many questions.

ENDING TIME

 

In Canada child support typically is owed as long as your children are in college or university earning their first post-secondary degree or diploma.

QUITTING SCHOOL

 

If your child is over the age of majority and has stopped going to school but you have an order requiring child support, then you need to have the situation addressed by a judge. Until you have a new order you are bound by the terms and obligations of your existing order.

NO GRADUATION

 

You are required to pay child support until a judge tells you that you can stop. This may be when your child reaches the age of majority (18 or 19 depending on the province you live in) but in most cases it can be extended to assist children who are still dependent on their parents.

This category includes adult children attending school as well as children with medical needs. The expectation for child support for adult children attending school is that child support will typically be paid while your child completes high school as well as the first degree or diploma program.

[RonaldS]

Both great responses.

 

Let me ask you guys a question: All other things beings equal, who do you think people are more leery of getting involved with? Single moms or single dads? (Assume for this question that the moms have primary custody and the dads have alternating weekends.)

 

I've seen a lot of guys get gun-shy when kids are involved.

 

But in my 3.5 years of dating since my XW and I split, I can't think of one woman that I've met that cared one bit that I have 3 young kids. They actually think its great. In fact, the amount of indirect attention from women when I'm out with my kids is ridicous.

 

Women LOVE 'hot dad'.

Edited February 15, 2014 by RonaldS

[M30USA]

Tayken, you bring up a good point about how society assumes there's something wrong with dads who only have EOW--as if they did something wrong to wind up like that. Oftentimes it's for no other reason that the mom trying to have the kids all god herself (as in my ex). The women who do this are usually the ones that file false reports with CPS (as did my ex) along with other nasty tactics.

 

 

But in all honesty I can say that the tides HAVE been turning. I am starting to see some general attitude shifts in society where men aren't automatically assumed to be the bad guys. People are waking up, I think. The biggest anti-male bias in society with regard to family/marriage probably took place between 1980 and 2010. I think it's slowly on its way down now. But it might take a few decades to even out.

Edited February 15, 2014 by M30USA

[Tayken]

In fact, the amount of indirect attention from women when I'm out with my kids is ridicous. Women LOVE 'hot dad'.

 

I can attest to that, and even managed to bag myself a FWB via a friend of my child

[John83]

being recently single with 2 kids this is a topic that i have given a lot of thought.

i also have experience from the other side as my ex i have the kids with also had two kids.

past experiences living with someone elses kids wasnt good, but she had the downright horrible rebellious type who couldnt stand the fact that their mother had had another baby and they werent the centre of the attention, the eppisode lasted years and ended with the mother sending oldest off to live with his dad. it caused a permanant wedge in the relationship and i would never go through that hell again.

 

now that im single with joint custody of my 2 kids i couldnt ever be with a woman with kids for the simple reason as you stated if i cannot be with my kids full time i certainly dont want to be with anyone elses more than my own, my kids are now my life and will come before anything.