Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[SD1000]

I'm a chick and I can even understand some of the confusion on your part. Now being a chick I can say that the best sex did not equal best relationship, love or any of that. I can also say that awful sex and/or low attraction would probably be something that would make me think twice if I was developing strong feelings for someone...BUT I know damn sure I wouldn't toss out the baby with the bathwater. There would be some dialog, directions etc. to see if the sex and attraction improved.

 

I can say the person I have loved the most I ultimately enjoyed being with the most....sex had more meaning and passion and tenderness! And yes, feeling safe added to that. Feeling confident, not afraid to express myself, knowing I was beautiful in his eyes despite all the things I pick on myself about...yeah, 10000x better then just great sex.

 

As far as her conversations with the dude, think about what everything was based on...his dick. Of course the conversations went that way. I doubt that is her norm. However, she may found that she liked that kind of flirting etc. so seems to me these are things you can talk about.

 

 

 

I appreciate your input. My female colleagues saw his photo and completely do not understand her attraction. To be honest at the risk of sounding conceited, I'm confident that most think that I am much more attractive than him. However the important issue is that my fiancé must have thought he was so attractive for some reason. I think that my fiancé thinks I'm handsome and is proud that her friends seem to think so, but I also understand that there is a difference between thinking a man is handsome and having strong sexual attraction for her man.

 

 

As a woman, why do you think she would easily express words like "you're a great lover" to him, but never say those things to me? She says that it is because I am a gentleman and she didn't want me to think she was slutty. I currently don't believe that answer, but what do you think?

 

 

edit to add: I should also point out that he has the looks of a confident, wealthy businessman.

Edited February 16, 2014 by SD1000

[Fluttershy]

I appreciate your input. My female colleagues saw his photo and completely do not understand her attraction. To be honest at the risk of sounding conceited, I'm confident that most think that I am much more attractive than him. However the important issue is that my fiancé must have thought he was so attractive for some reason. I think that my fiancé thinks I'm handsome and is proud that her friends seem to think so, but I also understand that there is a difference between thinking a man is handsome and having strong sexual attraction for her man.

 

 

As a woman, why do you think she would easily express words like "you're a great lover" to him, but never say those things to me? She says that it is because I am a gentleman and she didn't want me to think she was slutty. I currently don't believe that answer, but what do you think?

 

 

edit to add: I should also point out that he has the looks of a confident, wealthy businessman.

 

 

Don't like my answer? Or did you miss it? If he said it and it wasn't true (which women do all the time... And men do to) it was to stroke his ego and becuse she was being desperate. She has probaby never felt that way with you.

[peruano99]

Don't like my answer? Or did you miss it? If he said it and it wasn't true (which women do all the time... And men do to) it was to stroke his ego and becuse she was being desperate. She has probaby never felt that way with you.

 

 

 

This is true, some women say anything to stroke their man's ego.

[SD1000]

Don't like my answer? Or did you miss it? If he said it and it wasn't true (which women do all the time... And men do to) it was to stroke his ego and becuse she was being desperate. She has probaby never felt that way with you.

 

 

 

Yes, I also consider your answer to be valuable. I am considering that point, but it does not answer why she kept going back to see him for sex after he mentioned that he was not looking for a serious relationship.

[peruano99]

Yes, I also consider your answer to be valuable. I am considering that point, but it does not answer why she kept going back to see him for sex after he mentioned that he was not looking for a serious relationship.

 

Maybe because she liked the sex with him?

 

I know you don't like to hear this, but don't let her lie to you anymore.

 

 

She has been with this man before she met you and continued to see him while you were away for four months, even though he treated her like a piece of meat, but she still came back to him.

 

 

Was she remorseful for having an affair with this man while you were away?

Edited February 16, 2014 by peruano99

[radman]

I agree that this is important to figure before being together again and continue with the marriage. In case it helps, the following is an email that she sent me last week about her thoughts.

 

 

I realize one issue when we make love. You always asked me what I want, and I always felt difficult to answer. The reason is not that I do not want to share with you, but becasue I do not know what I want. Only one thing I know very clearly, when I see you feel happy, I feel very happy and satisfied instantly. The happiness is something like golden sunshine filled into my heart and then flow into to each cell, my whole body feels very contented,relaxed and comfortable. I never thought much about my phyical need, actually no one asked me before. I thought women need to be a good ' follower' and neglect her own wants. This a what I learned growing up. It was my true thinking and behavior. Thanks for bringing me many new experiences , especially enlightening my thinking. No one ever gave me a chance to see and learn about myself as you did. I do appreciate you to help me to grow.

 

After reading this I think one possible answer is that she's just not sexual. Her email to you sounds like she is trying to tell you what she thinks you'd want to hear. Her emails to the 'wealthy business man' are what she thinks he might have wanted to hear (given he was just interested in a sexual relationship).

 

She may have not been sexually interested in either of you really, but read Mr.Big as someone who needs his ego stroked regarding his sexual abilities and reads you as someone who needs confirmation regarding long-term commitment and happiness. Ergo, 2 different emails/texts, but the same in that she was and is trying to keep her current man happy.

 

Just a thought...

[SD1000]

Maybe because she liked the sex with him?

 

I know you don't like to hear this, but don't let her lie to you anymore.

 

 

She has been with this man before she met you and continued to see him while you were away for four months, even though he treated her like a piece of meat, but she still came back to him.

 

 

Was she remorseful for having an affair with this man while you were away?

 

 

 

Somewhat remorseful, she says that she wished that she would have never gone out with him and she spent time to answer some of my questions about him. However she also feels that it was early in our relationship before we confirmed our future together.

[peruano99]

Well that still doesn't explain why she didn't tell you about this older man before you went so she could at least let you go without having a lustful affair.

 

 

What do you plan to do? Do you want to rebuild your sex life with her? Do you want to find another woman who you could love or take a break from her for a while and think what you should do?

 

 

This happened two years ago correct?

[troubadour]

Also size doesn't matter much...I am above average yet I can't enjoy sex as much because I worry about hurting my partner.

 

No need to mention it as everyone is above average online.

[SD1000]

Well that still doesn't explain why she didn't tell you about this older man before you went so she could at least let you go without having a lustful affair.

 

 

What do you plan to do? Do you want to rebuild your sex life with her? Do you want to find another woman who you could love or take a break from her for a while and think what you should do?

 

 

This happened two years ago correct?

 

 

 

Yes, this happened in summer 2012. I plan to spend time to think about it and then talk with her about it. There is a lot riding on this decision because we are engaged to get married this summer and because I love her more than anyone before.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think that before you decide to get too serious with her there is a question that needs to be answered.

 

You said you felt like you were in a exclusive relationship with her, and you should be asking her why she was seeing this guy while you were away. If you feel that she was cheating, then this need some closure because it was never answered.

 

IMO that needs cleared up before anything else and then you can move forward.

 

What happens if you have to go out of town again for a while. Does she call Mister Bigstick up again? Just my opinion.

[peruano99]

Yes, this happened in summer 2012. I plan to spend time to think about it and then talk with her about it. There is a lot riding on this decision because we are engaged to get married this summer and because I love her more than anyone before.

 

Think about it and if you have to set the wedding for a later date.

[Allumere]

I appreciate your input. My female colleagues saw his photo and completely do not understand her attraction. To be honest at the risk of sounding conceited, I'm confident that most think that I am much more attractive than him. However the important issue is that my fiancé must have thought he was so attractive for some reason. I think that my fiancé thinks I'm handsome and is proud that her friends seem to think so, but I also understand that there is a difference between thinking a man is handsome and having strong sexual attraction for her man.

 

 

As a woman, why do you think she would easily express words like "you're a great lover" to him, but never say those things to me? She says that it is because I am a gentleman and she didn't want me to think she was slutty. I currently don't believe that answer, but what do you think?

 

 

edit to add: I should also point out that he has the looks of a confident, wealthy businessman.

 

I am not in her head so I can only speak from my experience. The gent that I had the best sex with I could easily have phone sex. Why? because that is what the relationship was about. Now to get into deep conversations about other stuff was like yanking teeth. With the person I loved, I never went there. One time he was hinting at it and I just couldn't do it. Why..well I knew his background, religious beliefs etc and there was something that felt wrong or cheap about it ( I think if couples have phone sex it is fine, especially when apart for long periods of time). If it was really important to him then I would have hoped we would have discussed it as I would have made the effort (and talking about it would have probably put me more at ease). In my case I put each guy on a different self, if that makes sense.

[peruano99]

I am not in her head so I can only speak from my experience. The gent that I had the best sex with I could easily have phone sex. Why? because that is what the relationship was about. Now to get into deep conversations about other stuff was like yanking teeth. With the person I loved, I never went there. One time he was hinting at it and I just couldn't do it. Why..well I knew his background, religious beliefs etc and there was something that felt wrong or cheap about it ( I think if couples have phone sex it is fine, especially when apart for long periods of time). If it was really important to him then I would have hoped we would have discussed it as I would have made the effort (and talking about it would have probably put me more at ease). In my case I put each guy on a different self, if that makes sense.

 

Making love like that is just boring imo. There needs to be some excitement, passion, and feeling of being wanted.

 

 

Also I don't understand this...one person has wild sex with someone he/she doesn't love, but doesn't do it with a person he/she loves.

 

Maybe it's because I'm Hispanic and I believe making love should be passionate.

Edited February 16, 2014 by peruano99

[JDPT]

It appears that she just wanted sex with this man. Clearly, something drew her to him, women are like men where at times they just want sex and nothing more. However, I'm not certain why she still may have those messages lingering around in her phone. It doesn't pay to compare yourself to someone else. I would just block it out and focus on making sex good for you and her. There's no need to torture yourself with the past.

[peruano99]

It appears that she just wanted sex with this man. Clearly, something drew her to him, women are like men where at times they just want sex and nothing more. However, I'm not certain why she still may have those messages lingering around in her phone. It doesn't pay to compare yourself to someone else. I would just block it out and focus on making sex good for you and her. There's no need to torture yourself with the past.

 

Well she also cheated on the OP for four months while she was away.

[SD1000]

I think that before you decide to get too serious with her there is a question that needs to be answered.

 

You said you felt like you were in a exclusive relationship with her, and you should be asking her why she was seeing this guy while you were away. If you feel that she was cheating, then this need some closure because it was never answered.

 

IMO that needs cleared up before anything else and then you can move forward.

 

What happens if you have to go out of town again for a while. Does she call Mister Bigstick up again? Just my opinion.

 

 

 

Yes, she cheated at that time and we discussed it. I decided to forgive her for that because it was still early in our relationship and because she has not cheated again after we were together again. We have been apart for a month or two a couple of times later and it seems clear that she did not cheat again.

[harrybrown]

You will not be able to get over this situation.

 

You will think about it all the time. So has she ever told you that sex with you was better?

 

You are not married to her and hopefully do not have children with her. She will hurt you again. I did not think my wife would hurt me again.

 

If I could go back in a time machine, I would run.

 

You do not need to go back into a time machine. You are not married to her. She really liked sex with this guy, she went back. Has she explained to you why the sex was so much better with him and how she thought you were not in a relationship yet and you did?

 

She will cheat on you again. Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. She still had saved the messages.

 

Run, please run. You will not have to face the heartache for years. It will not be easy to get over this and not bring it up in your marriage. You will wonder what is she thinking about when you have sex with her. Is she thinking about the other guy?

[SD1000]

 

Also I don't understand this...one person has wild sex with someone he/she doesn't love, but doesn't do it with a person he/she loves.

QUOTE]

 

 

 

That is also difficult for me to understand, but it is similar to what my fiancé said.

[Fluttershy]

Yes, I also consider your answer to be valuable. I am considering that point, but it does not answer why she kept going back to see him for sex after he mentioned that he was not looking for a serious relationship.

 

Actually it does. She could have easily thought she could eventually win him by using sex. The whole desperate thing.

 

She probably did have good sex. But her statments sound like exagerations coming from someone who really wants to win the other person over.

 

This may be foo issues at work here too.

[peruano99]

Think about what you will do hard and possibly go see a sexologist because a relationship without good sex is not a good one.

[SD1000]

It appears that she just wanted sex with this man. Clearly, something drew her to him, women are like men where at times they just want sex and nothing more. However, I'm not certain why she still may have those messages lingering around in her phone. It doesn't pay to compare yourself to someone else. I would just block it out and focus on making sex good for you and her. There's no need to torture yourself with the past.

 

 

 

There's no need to torture myself, but as Harry Brown wrote, it is difficult to end the torture when the mind cannot simply ignore and be happy. I hope that I can get past this and be happy to enjoy our sex life. I just don't know yet if I can. I wonder if she will always remember her experiences with him and feel that she had to settle for me because I loved her.

[peruano99]

There's no need to torture myself, but as Harry Brown wrote, it is difficult to end the torture when the mind cannot simply ignore and be happy. I hope that I can get past this and be happy to enjoy our sex life. I just don't know yet if I can. I wonder if she will always remember her experiences with him and feel that she had to settle for me because I loved her.

 

Talk to her and see if she is willing to be more "passionate" during sex, so you two can have a more fulfilling sex life...are you two 40?

[SD1000]

Think about what you will do hard and possibly go see a sexologist because a relationship without good sex is not a good one.

 

 

 

In December I noticed that our sex life was much better and noticeably improving. After our first year, she seemed to have more excitement for me both sexually and in general. However, still not at the level shown in her texts with other man.

[SD1000]

Talk to her and see if she is willing to be more "passionate" during sex, so you two can have a more fulfilling sex life...are you two 40?

 

 

 

After this problem came up, she said that she would be more open sexually with me and express herself more. It is impossible for me to know if she will be that way naturally with me or if she will try hard to make me happy even though she does not really feel that way.

 

 

Yes, she is 42 and I am 45. However we both look young for our age. She looks 32.