Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[peruano99]

Try to work it out if you want, but I would plan to wedding for a later date, just so you can keep an eye on her and see if she has any affairs with this man.

[Allumere]

Making love like that is just boring imo. There needs to be some excitement, passion, and feeling of being wanted.

 

 

Also I don't understand this...one person has wild sex with someone he/she doesn't love, but doesn't do it with a person he/she loves.

 

Maybe it's because I'm Hispanic and I believe making love should be passionate.

 

Who said sex with the person I loved wasn't passionate or exciting. As I said before, it is a whole experience and not simply how quickly we could get each other off. My point, to clarify, is that I have spoken with/dealt with each man differently. I have not had the same conversations or done the exact same things with each gent.

[Fluttershy]

After this problem came up, she said that she would be more open sexually with me and express herself more. It is impossible for me to know if she will be that way naturally with me or if she will try hard to make me happy even though she does not really feel that way.

 

 

Yes, she is 42 and I am 45. However we both look young for our age. She looks 32.

 

Well, if you want to invest more time and aren't ready to throw in the towel, wait and see but put the wedding off. She will either be genuine and therefore the passion will grow and be the new normal, or she will be faking it and not be able to sustain the act for an extended period of time. Or she will fake it until she makes it and it will become real.

[SD1000]

Try to work it out if you want, but I would plan to wedding for a later date, just so you can keep an eye on her and see if she has any affairs with this man.

 

 

 

This man now lives far away, so he is not likely to be a problem in the future. and I am confident that she ended with this man after the first four months. I saw her message to him and I would have known if they have kept up contact.

[whichwayisup]

Seems they shared sexy sex and lust. With you it's intimate, loving and caring. What you two share can grow and be great. What they shared was meaningless and in the heat of the moment, quickly forgotten.

 

Are you worried she compares him to you?

 

Please don't let her past upset you. Everybody has a past and that includes a sex life with someone else.

 

Focus on the now and the future, not yesterday...

[SD1000]

Well, if you want to invest more time and aren't ready to throw in the towel, wait and see but put the wedding off. She will either be genuine and therefore the passion will grow and be the new normal, or she will be faking it and not be able to sustain the act for an extended period of time. Or she will fake it until she makes it and it will become real.

 

 

 

I agree. My plan now is to spend three months with her not thinking about a wedding and to see if she is really able to become more passionate and open sexually and to see if I can really get passed these thoughts of mine.

 

 

I would still appreciate more input from females who have had a similar experience as my fiancé.

[peruano99]

This man now lives far away, so he is not likely to be a problem in the future. and I am confident that she ended with this man after the first four months. I saw her message to him and I would have known if they have kept up contact.

 

Is this man rich? Is he good looking? I honestly don't know why a woman would be attracted to a guy like that.

[radman]

Seems they shared sexy sex and lust. With you it's intimate, loving and caring. What you two share can grow and be great. What they shared was meaningless and in the heat of the moment, quickly forgotten.

 

Are you worried she compares him to you?

 

You make good points but...

 

...it wasn't quickly forgotten, was it? From my limited time on LS, I've noticed that many women wistfully reflect on a past lover who they shared animal like lust and passion with, even if it was 3-4 partners ago. And while they enjoy "sweet lovemaking" with the "kind and caring" man they are with now, they still fantasize about that one stallion in the past.

Everyone has a past (well, for the most part). There is no reason though that a guy can't be both a passionate lover that a woman gets hot & bothered AS WELL as being the sweet tender romancer on different occasions. He's going to have to find a way to reconcile it in his mind, if he can. Its not a trivial matter for many guys.

[SD1000]

Is this man rich? Is he good looking? I honestly don't know why a woman would be attracted to a guy like that.

 

 

 

His picture from a couple of years ago looks like a confident aggressive 57 year old business man who still looked athletic. However I asked three middle age female colleagues what they thought of him without giving them any background information and they said that he does not look very attractive because he looks mean.

 

 

I recently found a recent photo of him online and he looks much older now and has definitely gained weight around his mid section. Yes, I believe he was rich.

[radman]

His picture from a couple of years ago looks like a confident aggressive 57 year old business man who still looked athletic. However I asked three middle age female colleagues what they thought of him without giving them any background information and they said that he does not look very attractive because he looks mean.

 

 

I recently found a recent photo of him online and he looks much older now and has definitely gained weight around his mid section. Yes, I believe he was rich.

 

This maybe a way you can get over it, IMO. Just imagine your (relative) youth over him, and as well as being more objectively handsome. Perhaps that type of visualization, of your 'rival' as a fat, older man with a paunch might be enough to put you past this.

 

Focusing on favorable comparatives where you have the advantage can help get past jealousy. In my example, even though my wife's ex had a larger penis, I just focused on the fact that 1) my smaller penis actually functioned and than 2) she found me far more physically attractive than him.

[peruano99]

His picture from a couple of years ago looks like a confident aggressive 57 year old business man who still looked athletic. However I asked three middle age female colleagues what they thought of him without giving them any background information and they said that he does not look very attractive because he looks mean.

 

 

I recently found a recent photo of him online and he looks much older now and has definitely gained weight around his mid section. Yes, I believe he was rich.

 

Do you think maybe he was showering your gf with expensive gifts, etc and she stayed with him because of that?

[SD1000]

Seems they shared sexy sex and lust. With you it's intimate, loving and caring. What you two share can grow and be great. What they shared was meaningless and in the heat of the moment, quickly forgotten.

 

Are you worried she compares him to you?

 

Please don't let her past upset you. Everybody has a past and that includes a sex life with someone else.

 

Focus on the now and the future, not yesterday...

 

 

I don't think that she directly compares him to me. She knows that I care about her very much and she knows that he did not care about her and just enjoyed having sex with various women. However, I'm afraid that she doesn't have these same sexual feelings for me. If she needed men to just take her and be completely aggressive, she had many opportunities to share that with me. I remember two times when I showed her more intense 'wine laden' intense sex. She seemed to enjoy one of those times last summer and another time she enjoyed some morning sex when I told her that this was just an appetizer. I think that she finally climaxed with me a few months ago so I felt things were getting better.

 

 

One really sore spot is that I asked her last summer how she liked making love with me because she would never come out and tell me. Her answer was "It was better than I expected". That always took the wind out of my sails, but became much much worse when I saw that she previously told the other man directly that he was a very good lover and later told him that she very much enjoyed making love with him....without him needing to ask her. This part is very difficult for me to have an understanding about.

[SD1000]

Do you think maybe he was showering your gf with expensive gifts, etc and she stayed with him because of that?

 

 

 

Good question, but I don't think that happened. He did often treat her at nice restaurants, but I always did that too even though I am not super rich like him.

[SD1000]

I just want to say that I am shocked that so many people here are taking the time to write sincere posts and actually try to help figure this out. You guys have all been wonderful and I sincerely thank you.

[radman]

One really sore spot is that I asked her last summer how she liked making love with me because she would never come out and tell me. Her answer was "It was better than I expected". That always took the wind out of my sails, but became much much worse when I saw that she previously told the other man directly that he was a very good lover and later told him that she very much enjoyed making love with him....without him needing to ask her. This part is very difficult for me to have an understanding about.

 

Ugh. That......I don't know....just sucks.

 

I'm not gonna tell you what to do or not; only you, and not some internet randoms on LS, know the ins-and-outs of your relationship as well as what it means to you IRL.

I do know that if someone said that to me, I would be devastated. Its not her fault and assigning blame is futile; it would just tear me up inside. I think I can now completely understand your position.

[peruano99]

Good question, but I don't think that happened. He did often treat her at nice restaurants, but I always did that too even though I am not super rich like him.

 

 

 

I said that because that's usually what these old guys with money who shower younger women with money in exchange for sex are called " sugar daddies."

 

 

But I Think you should give it a chance, rebuild your sexual chemistry, keep an eye on her, but if she tries to do it again, then you should break the relationship off.

[SD1000]

Ugh. That......I don't know....just sucks.

 

I'm not gonna tell you what to do or not; only you, and not some internet randoms on LS, know the ins-and-outs of your relationship as well as what it means to you IRL.

I do know that if someone said that to me, I would be devastated. Its not her fault and assigning blame is futile; it would just tear me up inside. I think I can now completely understand your position.

 

 

 

Thanks. Yes, this is a very bitter pill to swallow. The only possible ways to maybe accept this are that she may feel differently about him now because she seems to feel bad to face this time of her life and feels that it is "very ugly". Maybe she really feels this way...hard to really know.

 

 

Secondly, she says that her words to him were not sincere. However, as I mentioned earlier, she did keep going back for more times with him.

 

 

Thirdly, she did seem to enjoy sex with me more in November and December so maybe it can become great in her mind.

 

 

I don't know yet, and like I said (and you said), this is really devastating.

[xAkulax]

She tells me that those words to him were not meaningful[/b] and that she never said such words to me because I was more honorable and a gentleman. I always cared about making sex pleasurable for her and trying to learn how to make her satisfied. However, even though I am her age, in good shape, and love her, I doubt if I can get passed this and ever enjoy making love again with her because it seems like she enjoyed sex much more with this man. And yes, I'll say it, it seems like he was very well endowed. I am exactly average in that area, even though I am taller and bigger than him. She told me that sex was uncomfortable with this man, but her replies to him back then indicate to me that she did enjoy it very much.

 

 

Am I over reacting and is this something that people can get passed? I would like input from both men and women.

 

 

 

This is what happens when you take someone back who has had a taste of something new she's lying the words have meaning and the sex was probably best she ever had the reason why she was so different with him is because she saw you as an beta male someone who would lover her always and she took you for granted. The OM was the Alpha male and he took full advantage of your girl basic need to be desired and conquered by an alpha.

 

 

You are not overreacting this is a problem.

[xAkulax]

If I where you I would be more worried about trust. Can you trust her because if all it takes is an alpha , some attention and a long member you will find yourself in this mess again and again.

 

 

 

Work on the trust issue first

[dichotomy]

There are more than a few similarities to a situation I had to deal with in the beginning of my marriage....and some differences. But close enough that I feel your pain.

 

Some things for you to consider - random thoughts:

 

1) You leave her and go find another woman to marry. How many lovers would that women have had, how many would have been hung more, or she enjoyed the sex more. Crap shoot right ? chances are if some other women (at your age) decides to marry you or love you - are you going "the best?" in every little (or ahem big) area> . Probably not dude, sucks, but unless you find a 40 year old virgin, or some one who was married for 25 years to a horrible lover, you going to have to face there may have been some really nice sex with others - maybe a thing or two another guy had or did which was memorable or unique to that man.

 

2) tougher question I have delt with ...is not me being "her best"... but if my wife is giving me her best. Its a subtle distinction . You bring up oral, she was happy (or tolerated it or was just ok) to give him oral, but not you, because he demand it, were YOU were maybe NOT not demanding it or expressing it was important to you? Is there a lesson here for you? Maybe its not about her wanting to do it - but being the type of man that strongly lets a gal know it is something you want very early in the relationship and letting than woman decide if she will do it. Maybe you own this one issue here....Maybe not. If you got real sexual needs (oral is kind of important to many) then maybe you need to focus on expressing your needs clearly going forward - IF - it is very important to you - and you are not just pushing because OM got her to do it. Has she never ever given you oral at all? Perhaps if your going to discuss this at all with her - I would change it to something that's not about you or about OM comparisons....but about her... as in... "I am disappointed, I not getting your best passion" and leave it at that.

 

3) You have 3-4 previous women lovers. So how where each of these women compared to your wife - their weight, boob size, hair, face, eyes, vagina, butt, sexual enthusiasms for you. Were they better in some ways than your wife? Was some or parts of them and the sex better than with her? Ever think about them? hmmmm....maybe your wife falls short in a few areas if you really think about it? Beyond sex, what about "wife qualities" of your past lovers - compared to your current gal was the best sexual parts the same as best partner for you?. Maybe not.... just saying you got a past too, do you really compare them this way - or only when I asked you too. When I started to do this - I realized a couple of things - I could decide that a few of my past women where absolutely better in some parts or sex acts, but I never really focused on this or let it diminish what i enjoyed with my wife so why would I think my wife would feel differently with me? Ya sure maybe some nice memory pops up in your head every now and then but if you like the sex in general then its not an issue really. Also I had to consider perhaps (at least with one old lover I had) that I may have been one of her best lovers - I remember the look in her eye, the words of praise, the craziness she had with me.....so regardless of what any ONE woman says - even my current wife - I feel reasonably confident I am a very good lover - in shape (for my age), attentive, creative. So OP - what do YOU think about your sexual nature ? Focus on what you think, and what you are and can be as a lover.

 

4) While it sound like she did enjoy the sex, and perhaps was more passionate with him, the texts also sound like he was just a tool to her, she basically got some sex, and was sexual in words, but what I sense other wise (reading tone in the text) was "thanks for the dick - but - meh - don't want to get serious with you, not really someone I would commit too or even just want to hang on to more than a few months...I am moving on" .....So what do you think (old big dick) guy felt about that??? - guess he did NOT have have the "full package" needed to make her choose him for any real commitment. Maybe he is on some other relationship board talking about "hey I got a big dick, but my young lover still dumped me, what don't I have? am I too old? not good man?, a jerk? what did that other guy have that she choose him?" Or maybe that OM just shrugged his shoulders and kept his confidence and not let one gal make him feel less about himself.

 

5) There is also a mindset that you need to perhaps consider a bit, are you the type of man you wife would have an affair with? Are you expressing confidence as a man, lover ? or are you descending further in to beta ville by discussing how you measure up to this old, now gone, OM. Do you think your conversations are revving up your wife about you - or getting her sympathy and guilt? Feel good about you - then promote and present this to her and the world.

 

6) Perhaps one word of caution - I know I will get some negative feedback - but if you may wish to dig a little further in to her other messages - like find a way to get into her emails or social media accounts. I ONLY say this because I am more than a bit concerned she carries around old texts from him and her words to him. I don't get this, its been a while, why?

 

7) If your not married yet, extend the date and work on this some more on this - and try to lay off asking her for reassurances. Get your self esteem in order, be the man you can be.

Edited February 16, 2014 by dichotomy

[Iguanna]

You will hear varying responses to your question, and I suspect they will be broken down along gender lines: there are men who will totally understand what you are saying (even though they may tell you to deal with it somehow) and women who will tell you "She chose you, get over it" and cannot understand your angst (by in large). But you've touched on a nerve that many men are sensitive about.

 

What many people (particularly women) don't understand is that "being the one she chose to be with" is sometimes little consolation. Yes, she chose him, but did she do so because he was better long-term husband material even though she feels he is a sub optimal lover and doesn't excite her the way the other guy does? I know its a juvenile paradigm, but is he the "beta" that she settles down with once she's done having fun with the "alpha"?

 

Many many men would rather be the hot stud that women lustily recall years later than the 'nice dependable great father' type that women want to commit to. Ideally, we'd like to be all things to our wives/girlfriends.

 

Is it all male ego? Perhaps. Remember women aren't judged as harshly in their sexual abilities as men (they are more judged on looks); a woman has to try really really really hard to be so bad in bed that a guy will say "wow, she was not the best sex I ever had". Thank the relatively reliability of the male orgasm. Men? Not so much.

 

Being the "nice guy with great long term qualities" but a dud in bed that a woman "chooses to be with" is still incredibly emasculating and I just wish I could articulate a similar distressing situation to women. Perhaps if a man "chooses to be with a woman" that he admits is definitely not attractive compared to prior girlfriends but has "other great qualities" but I'm not sure if that conveys it well.

 

I'm very happy you are in this forum, cause it seems you can get to the point and simply explain the situation in a way that we can get the OP better and better understand the story. Good for you. I mean it, don't leave this forum

 

I want to ask a question: you said a man would ideally prefer to be all things to their wives/gfs. Lets say now a guy should choose only one of these things, being great in bed but not marriage material OR being marriage material but not great in bed, what would he choose? In my opinion and in my age of course I value more a "classic good guy" who will care for me, respect me and we'll have kids one day than the player who will give me the greatest sex ever but will not even remember my name. So yes you are right, as a woman I would advise OP that he should be happy that she chose him and considers him marriage material. At the end of the day though he will make the decision of how to deal with it. If I were his gf, I would make sure to assure him that great sex doesn't matter that much as great person, husband and father. Even if she remembers this man as the best sex experience in her life, this doesn't mean anything for me. She chose to spend her life with the OP and this in women's eyes matters more.

[Darren Steez]

I have been in a relation with a woman that I loved very much for nearly two years. This past new year's eve, we officially got engaged and I was very happy. When we first met in April 2012, we spent a couple of weeks together, then I had to leave for four months and we continued long distance.

 

 

After getting engaged, I saw an old text message on her phone. She did not remember it was still there because she had given me her phone to use for a day. In the text messages, I learned that she was also involved with a much older man (age 57 and 17 years older than her) during those first four months. She actually met him a couple of weeks before she met me and he happened to be away on business when I was with her. After those first four months, she has been loyal to me.

 

 

I could forgive her for those first four months because we were apart and had not known each other very long. However the problem that I don't think I can get over is that she was a very different person with him. I discovered through text messages that he was a man who was sexually aggressive and just helped himself without caring about what she wanted. After their 2nd dinner and first sexual encounter, he did not remember her name, but mentioned that he hoped he was not "too big" for her.

 

 

Her replies showed her attraction by telling him that he is a very big man, he is very manly, and that she very much enjoyed making love with him. He even told her that he was not ready for a long-term relationship in the middle of their relationship, but she kept going back to see him. After two months of sex, he still did not remember her name. However, that experience seems to be the best sex of her life.

 

 

Unfortunately, I had never seen that side of her with me. She tells me that those words to him were not meaningful and that she never said such words to me because I was more honorable and a gentleman. I always cared about making sex pleasurable for her and trying to learn how to make her satisfied. However, even though I am her age, in good shape, and love her, I doubt if I can get passed this and ever enjoy making love again with her because it seems like she enjoyed sex much more with this man. And yes, I'll say it, it seems like he was very well endowed. I am exactly average in that area, even though I am taller and bigger than him. She told me that sex was uncomfortable with this man, but her replies to him back then indicate to me that she did enjoy it very much.

 

 

Am I over reacting and is this something that people can get passed? I would like input from both men and women.

 

Yup that's a nonsense. Look if you're having fun with sex and it's pleasurable for you you express it right? Much like when you go out and are really having fun do you not express how you are feeling at that time with smiles, positive words etc?

 

You maybe making a lot out of it, but also the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yes she probably enjoyed it a lot and yes she doesn't want to hurt you.

 

Look the fact is if every person who was in a relationship could look back at each time their partner had sex in the past, and look at their reactions then this would be a very insecure world. Let's turn this on its head, maybe there was a time you had sex with someone else and it was out of this world, she loved it and you did too, maybe your partner would be insecure with that too.

 

Look if she's with you, committed to you then enjoy what you have, after all she chose you didn't she?

[Kate9292]

I agree that this is important to figure before being together again and continue with the marriage. In case it helps, the following is an email that she sent me last week about her thoughts.

 

 

I realize one issue when we make love. You always asked me what I want, and I always felt difficult to answer. The reason is not that I do not want to share with you, but becasue I do not know what I want. Only one thing I know very clearly, when I see you feel happy, I feel very happy and satisfied instantly. The happiness is something like golden sunshine filled into my heart and then flow into to each cell, my whole body feels very contented,relaxed and comfortable. I never thought much about my phyical need, actually no one asked me before. I thought women need to be a good ' follower' and neglect her own wants. This a what I learned growing up. It was my true thinking and behavior. Thanks for bringing me many new experiences , especially enlightening my thinking. No one ever gave me a chance to see and learn about myself as you did. I do appreciate you to help me to grow.

 

Sounds like the other guy was much more assertive than you and just gave her great sex without further ado. That's why she was coming back for more.

 

I don't see anything wrong with it, if it was before she met you. If she cheated on you, and you decided to forgive her, you should move on too. Why ruin a good thing with some insecurities?

 

And even if he was better than you in bed, she still chose you. It has to mean something right?

[peruano99]

I'm very happy you are in this forum, cause it seems you can get to the point and simply explain the situation in a way that we can get the OP better and better understand the story. Good for you. I mean it, don't leave this forum

 

I want to ask a question: you said a man would ideally prefer to be all things to their wives/gfs. Lets say now a guy should choose only one of these things, being great in bed but not marriage material OR being marriage material but not great in bed, what would he choose? In my opinion and in my age of course I value more a "classic good guy" who will care for me, respect me and we'll have kids one day than the player who will give me the greatest sex ever but will not even remember my name. So yes you are right, as a woman I would advise OP that he should be happy that she chose him and considers him marriage material. At the end of the day though he will make the decision of how to deal with it. If I were his gf, I would make sure to assure him that great sex doesn't matter that much as great person, husband and father. Even if she remembers this man as the best sex experience in her life, this doesn't mean anything for me. She chose to spend her life with the OP and this in women's eyes matters more.

 

 

 

What about a guy who will be caring loving, and amazing, but also will give the best sex ever? Isn't that better? Sex matters in any relationship.

 

 

Also for anyone, his girlfriend DID have an affair for four months while the OP was away.

Edited February 16, 2014 by peruano99

[peruano99]

Thanks. Yes, this is a very bitter pill to swallow. The only possible ways to maybe accept this are that she may feel differently about him now because she seems to feel bad to face this time of her life and feels that it is "very ugly". Maybe she really feels this way...hard to really know.

 

 

Secondly, she says that her words to him were not sincere. However, as I mentioned earlier, she did keep going back for more times with him.

 

 

Thirdly, she did seem to enjoy sex with me more in November and December so maybe it can become great in her mind.

 

 

I don't know yet, and like I said (and you said), this is really devastating.

 

Become the best lover she had...but also be the caring man she loves and respects...best of lucks to you SD. But if she does it again with another man, call it off.