Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[Iguanna]

What about a guy who will be caring loving, and amazing, but also will give the best sex ever? Isn't that better? Sex matters in any relationship.

 

My general point of view is that there is no perfect relationship. Of course I'd love to have the great guy with a million skills in everything, who will be a great husband, lover, friend, father, everything. But this is not going to happen, not because I lack something, but because there is no such person, we all have our flaws. So if I had to sacrifice something, it would definitely be the sex life. I can compromise in that department cause I'm satisfied from it from my years till now. What I could never find was a good person who will truly love me, without any hidden things behind that, and that's one thing I can't negotiate. Sex matters, but not so much as what I mentioned above.

[lolablue17]

I feel that she chose me only because this other man was not looking for a long-term relationship with her.

 

That's the hole point!

women have fantasies (not only us ). many sexual women fantasies are about manly men, hard and rough, tough, and selfish men that use them (the women) as a tool to satisfy their sex desires.

 

But there's a problem... These fantasy men are not the classic marriage material. they are selfish, they like to control their wives on aspects rather than sex, they are unreliable, they love mostly themselfs.

 

If you are a the greatest ****, you're not necessarily the greatest spouse.

 

So you want to be both. you want to be a manly sex fantasy but also kind and thoughtful, loyal and reliable. Well, there are very little of that kind of men. maybe ZERO!

 

So yes - as an adult you should know that you cant be everything. I have great sex with my wife, but i'm not sure she had'nt greater sex before she met me.

 

You shoudnt have read those old messages. but since you did, you should take responsibility for your mistake.

 

and.... start trying new stuff in bed. she will forget him, belive me.

[peruano99]

My general point of view is that there is no perfect relationship. Of course I'd love to have the great guy with a million skills in everything, who will be a great husband, lover, friend, father, everything. But this is not going to happen, not because I lack something, but because there is no such person, we all have our flaws. So if I had to sacrifice something, it would definitely be the sex life. I can compromise in that department cause I'm satisfied from it from my years till now. What I could never find was a good person who will truly love me, without any hidden things behind that, and that's one thing I can't negotiate. Sex matters, but not so much as what I mentioned above.

 

You say like there is no guy who can be a great partner who loves his SO but also good at sex...this isn't true at all.

[peruano99]

That's the hole point!

women have fantasies (not only us ). many sexual women fantasies are about manly men, hard and rough, tough, and selfish men that use them (the women) as a tool to satisfy their sex desires.

 

But there's a problem... These fantasy men are not the classic marriage material. they are selfish, they like to control their wives on aspects rather than sex, they are unreliable, they love mostly themselfs.

 

If you are a the greatest ****, you're not necessarily the greatest spouse.

 

So you want to be both. you want to be a manly sex fantasy but also kind and thoughtful, loyal and reliable. Well, there are very little of that kind of men. maybe ZERO!

 

So yes - as an adult you should know that you cant be everything. I have great sex with my wife, but i'm not sure she had'nt greater sex before she met me.

 

You shoudnt have read those old messages. but since you did, you should take responsibility for your mistake.

 

and.... start trying new stuff in bed. she will forget him, belive me.

 

 

 

You probably forgot that she cheated on him for 4 months while he was away...it's not his fault.

[gia37]

I am a woman, your girlfriend's age. All I can say is that I was like she is with you with my ex husband, for many years. I was sexually quite inhibited, didnt perform oral sex on him, we didnt have "dirty talk" in bed, I never said that he was a good lover etc. I thought I was just not that sexual. He was a nice, tall guy, with a nice body and a big d..k. We had the same age.

Now later, after our divorce and some boyfriends, I can just say that we didnt have a sexual chemistry. I can be uninhibited and very passionate and say sexual things to a boyfriend, when I am very attracted. And it has not much to do with the looks/age/penis size. I am madly attracted to a guy who is over fifty, is small (in every sense), but he has a passionate and funny personality and we just click. The attraction is over the roof.

It may be hard to swallow, but I think that she is just not that sexually into you. And it has nothing to do with your looks/size... it is a package deal.

[Iguanna]

You say like there is no guy who can be a great partner who loves his SO but also good at sex...this isn't true at all.

 

I said "great in sex", there's a difference. There are many scales in how good someone is in bed and many aspects. So if I had to choose between great spouse / father or great lover (but at least mediocre, not bad, lover), I'd choose the first.

[peruano99]

I said "great in sex", there's a difference. There are many scales in how good someone is in bed and many aspects. So if I had to choose between great spouse / father or great lover (but at least mediocre, not bad, lover), I'd choose the first.

 

Heh you are one of the few women I have heard say that, but good for you and your SO.

 

Also great sex can mean different for many women...what one woman may think is the best sex in her life, another woman may not enjoy it. Sexuality is a wide subject.

[lolablue17]

You say like there is no guy who can be a great partner who loves his SO but also good at sex...this isn't true at all.

 

sure you can find a great lover and a great partner combined in the same person.

 

BUT you will not find the perfect one, THE BEST of everything.

 

Maybe the OP is sexy for her, but not NO 1 of all times. his spouse may think he is not THE BEST lover ever, but she might certainty feel that his love for her is the most precious in the world.

Edited February 16, 2014 by lolablue17
mistake

[peruano99]

sure you can find a great lover and a great partner combined in the same person.

 

BUT you will not find the perfect one, THE BEST of everything.

 

Maybe the OP is sexy for her, but not NO 1 of all times. his spouse may think he is not THE BEST lover ever, but she might certainty feel that his love for her is the most precious in the world.

 

 

There is no best of everything, we are human so we are flawed.

 

 

I am saying the OP can IMPROVE his sex life if he wants.

 

 

He can improve his sex life can't he? and be the best boyfriend?

[radman]

I'm very happy you are in this forum, cause it seems you can get to the point and simply explain the situation in a way that we can get the OP better and better understand the story. Good for you. I mean it, don't leave this forum

 

I want to ask a question: you said a man would ideally prefer to be all things to their wives/gfs. Lets say now a guy should choose only one of these things, being great in bed but not marriage material OR being marriage material but not great in bed, what would he choose? In my opinion and in my age of course I value more a "classic good guy" who will care for me, respect me and we'll have kids one day than the player who will give me the greatest sex ever but will not even remember my name. So yes you are right, as a woman I would advise OP that he should be happy that she chose him and considers him marriage material. At the end of the day though he will make the decision of how to deal with it. If I were his gf, I would make sure to assure him that great sex doesn't matter that much as great person, husband and father. Even if she remembers this man as the best sex experience in her life, this doesn't mean anything for me. She chose to spend her life with the OP and this in women's eyes matters more.

 

Thanks for the kind words! I've been lurking for awhile, decided to start posting.

 

Regarding your question: it likely depends on the phase in a man's life. The younger you are, the more likely it will be that being a renowned lover matters more. The main concept is that a woman is settling for you if she admits you don't do anything for her in bed. Even if you bring a consolation prize home and put it on your mantle, its still a consolation prize, right?

 

How would you feel if your husband/future husband said "Look, I find you somewhat plain and ugly, but you are so amazing otherwise and I can see us long-term. After all, being physically attracted to you isn't all there is in a relationship"?

 

Personally, I've been married for 11 yrs and have 3 kids, so you'd think I'd pick being the great dad, right? And I probably would at this stage because I can't image my life without them (as difficult as they can be). But if my wife came up to me and confessed that "honey, you've never really rocked my world in bed, but it doesn't matter because you are an amazing dad and husband" I would be beyond crushed. Like, silently-leave-the-house-for-a-couple-of-hours-and-drive-around crushed. And I'm not sure things would ever be the same with us.

 

I realize that its very unlikely to be the absolute most best lover someone could have had (unless both of you have ZERO experience....like us!) but it would nice to be at least in the conversation of top 3. The more layers we peel back on the OP's story, the more is sounds like she just doesn't feel any sexual sparks with him.

[lolablue17]

How would you feel if your husband/future husband said "Look, I find you somewhat plain and ugly, but you are so amazing otherwise and I can see us long-term. After all, being physically attracted to you isn't all there is in a relationship"?

 

But that's not the case here. He's the one who was digging in her old and private messages.

 

He even didnt say his girlfriend is not attracted to him. He only assumes (and she denies) that this other man is more sexy to her than him.

 

Its the old known penis size comparison.

Edited February 16, 2014 by lolablue17

[radman]

But that's not the case here. He's the one who was digging in her old and private messages.

 

He even didnt say his girlfriend is not attracted to him. He only thinks (and she denies) that this other man is more sexy to her than him.

 

Its the old known of penis size comparison.

 

The attraction example was an attempt to find a female analogy for the situation, not that she doesn't find him attractive. I'm trying to find a way for women to understand how being a crappy lay but great husband can feel for a man.

And its not just that she finds the other guy sexier; its that she 1) found him to be a much better lover and 2) that she admits that "sex with you was better than I expected", which translates to "you are adequate in bed, but not great".

[lolablue17]

And its not just that she finds the other guy sexier; its that she 1) found him to be a much better lover and 2) that she admits that "sex with you was better than I expected", which translates to "you are adequate in bed, but not great".

 

I agree. but sex is also a matter of matching. In my past, some of the girls thought I; m the greatest sex animal, and some thought otherwise.

 

So, If you brave enough to dig her private old messages, be brave to deal with the consequences. if it is so important to him he can leave and look for a girl that thinks he is the sexiest man in the world.

[Iguanna]

Thanks for the kind words! I've been lurking for awhile, decided to start posting.

 

I'm so happy you did. You seem to have the gift of getting exactly to the point of a situation. I'm sure you are a great father

 

Regarding your question: it likely depends on the phase in a man's life. The younger you are, the more likely it will be that being a renowned lover matters more. The main concept is that a woman is settling for you if she admits you don't do anything for her in bed. Even if you bring a consolation prize home and put it on your mantle, its still a consolation prize, right?

 

It may not be "you don't do anything for her in bed", it may be a chemistry thing that simply is not there or that the guy is not open to trying new things. None of these things suggest that he doesn't care for his wife/gf, but that she would like something more or different than he offers.

 

How would you feel if your husband/future husband said "Look, I find you somewhat plain and ugly, but you are so amazing otherwise and I can see us long-term. After all, being physically attracted to you isn't all there is in a relationship"?

 

I'm sure this is not great to hear, but I would be way more concerned and sad if he said "Look, I find your personality and character somewhat ugly, but your body is so amazing and I can see us long-term cause of this. After all us agreeing and having the same dreams in life isn't all there is in a relationship". So what I mean is, the ideal would be that my man would be crazy for me physically and mentally, but I'm sure this is really rare. If I had to choose, I'd prefer the mental attraction, and I wouldn't consider it settling. For me it's like asking me "if you had to choose between quitting meat or beans from your diet, what would you prefer?". I could die without meat, but without the beans? There may be days I'll miss them, but I'll survive without them. (I know, my examples suck ). I think men can't understand how much (some) women value a good husband and father for their kids, like we don't understand how men value a good sex life.

 

Personally, I've been married for 11 yrs and have 3 kids, so you'd think I'd pick being the great dad, right? And I probably would at this stage because I can't image my life without them (as difficult as they can be). But if my wife came up to me and confessed that "honey, you've never really rocked my world in bed, but it doesn't matter because you are an amazing dad and husband" I would be beyond crushed. Like, silently-leave-the-house-for-a-couple-of-hours-and-drive-around crushed. And I'm not sure things would ever be the same with us.

 

I'm sure you'd be way more crushed if she told you the opposite though. "Honey you are a loser and a lousy dad, but hey you rock my world in bed that's why I keep you".

 

But, there is really no need to be that brutally honest with out spouses if we do compromise and settle with stuff. We all settle with everything and people who are expecting perfection will be alone forever. I know my husband is compromising with me in some aspects and he surely knows I do as well. But at the end of the day we go to sleep together, I stay and he stays, and that's all that matters.

[peruano99]

The point that I'm trying to make is if one is not happy with their sex life, it can cause he/she to have an affair.

[dieseldave]

When it comes to sex, OP, I think your girlfriend is settling with you. Contrary to what some people are telling you, I personally do not think this is acceptable. I think you are setting yourself up for a sexually unsatisfied relationship and possible divorce later on down the line if you proceed with marrying this woman.

 

Why do I think this? Aside from it being common sense to me, there is an emerging line of research being conducted primarily by Stuart Brody that indicates that female sexual satisfaction is strongly correlated with overall relationship satisfaction and decreased usage of immature psychological defense mechanisms (basically, picking fights over meaningless things).

 

The foundation of Brody's research concerns the vaginal orgasm. Despite what you may have heard, Brody's large-scale studies involving up to 1000 participants indicate that nearly eighty percent (the majority) of women have experienced vaginal orgasms as the result of penile-vaginal intercourse at one point in their life. The research has shown that the majority of women who have experienced vaginal orgasms during vaginal intercourse prefer penilely induced orgasms over manual/oral induced clitoral orgasms. Furthermore, Brody's research has shown that the women who prefer vaginal orgasms also indicate a preference for deep vaginal stimulation. Among this group, there is also a preference for penises slightly longer than a dollar bill (6.1 inches), but let's not get into that debate. I personally think size preference varies quite a bit across women. Some girls are going to be rocked by an average sized guy who knows what she likes, others will not.

 

I think Brody's most unsurprising finding is that frequency of penile induced vaginal orgasm is tightly correlated with measures of overall relationship satisfaction previously thought to be completely unrelated to sex. Frequency of vaginal orgasm is also correlated with a higher likelihood for women to engage in mate-guarding behavior in mixed-sex social contexts. Frequency of vaginal orgasms are also inversely correlated with extra-pair sexual behavior (flirting and having sex with other men).

 

As far as how frequently women will orgasm when they're in a relationship with a man that can take them there, lots of studies have shown that it will happen, on average, nearly seventy percent of the time (I can't remember the exact figure, I think it was higher) these women have vaginal intercourse with their partners for for 15 minutes or more.

 

Here is a complete list of Brody's work: Stuart Brody, PhD. I would have included in-text citations in this post, but this is just a forum. I will gladly do that if people would like.

 

Back to your situation. There are TONS of couples which have a less than satisfactory sex life. Some of these relationships last, others don't. Sometimes the guy learns how to have good sex with his wife, lots of the time he doesn't. Sometimes the reason they end has nothing to do with sex.

 

Common sense suggests that when the body isn't getting what it needs from some relationship, then it eventually seeks it out elsewhere. In your girlfriend's case, complete sexual satisfaction means frequent vaginal orgasms. Yes, I can say without even participating in their relationship that vaginal orgasms are an integral part of the reason she liked the masculine looking, athletic well endowed businessman you're talking about. He didn't shower her with gifts, he didn't give her special attention - he didn't even remember her name for crying out loud. This wasn't some kind of personal, loving connection, it was a guy that could bring your girlfriend so much sexual pleasure that she excused his lack of courtesy (not remembering someone's name who you recently had repeated sex with is pretty messed up, imo). If I'm not mistaken, she was doing this guy while she was in a relationship with you.

 

As others have stated, it seems like you could be one mutual attraction from your relationship with this woman ending.

 

I can't give you any personal advice on what to do from here because I don't really know your situation. I'm just informing you about the research, restating what you said, and telling you what I think has happened.

 

Best of luck,

 

Dave

Edited February 16, 2014 by dieseldave

[ZombieEye]

I'm in the same boat, because I can't (and won't) compare or compete with the kind of sex my WH got with his infidelities - not because of size though, I don't think. In my situation he joined some former "friends" of ours in their swingers lifestyle - I didn't know about any of this going on until he confessed after I found out about someone else connected to those people - long story.

 

So now I get to wonder if he's settling for "regular" sex with me. We've discussed it many times and he said that it was just "different" and not "better" and he likes the intimacy we have now. It's the best we've ever had recently. What the crap does that mean? Does it mean he's settling for sex with me? He says no, but not once has he directly said our sex was better than that sex.

 

Sometimes I think why do I want to hear that anyway? He should be bending over backwards to please me - maybe not literally...although...

 

So...I understand the difficulty dealing with the compare/contrast/get past it sex issue.

[894hjk]

Women love a good seeing to from a dominant masculine bad boy type. But it's purely sexual. Most naturally sexually aggressive men are aggressive in other areas and that's not what women like. Maybe take a break for a while and start afresh with her.

 

Make sure you ask her what she likes/needs in the bedroom and try to accommodate each other.

 

The dude sounds like a prick and she knows that deep down you sound like a life partner, a caring loyal type and there's a lot to be said for that.

 

And penis size isn't everything!

[xAkulax]

I'm in the same boat, because I can't (and won't) compare or compete with the kind of sex my WH got with his infidelities - not because of size though, I don't think. In my situation he joined some former "friends" of ours in their swingers lifestyle - I didn't know about any of this going on until he confessed after I found out about someone else connected to those people - long story.

 

So now I get to wonder if he's settling for "regular" sex with me. We've discussed it many times and he said that it was just "different" and not "better" and he likes the intimacy we have now. It's the best we've ever had recently. What the crap does that mean? Does it mean he's settling for sex with me? He says no, but not once has he directly said our sex was better than that sex.

 

Sometimes I think why do I want to hear that anyway? He should be bending over backwards to please me - maybe not literally...although...

 

So...I understand the difficulty dealing with the compare/contrast/get past it sex issue.

 

That's cheater code lol. The reason why he won't say it is because he know you wont like the answer

[Bryanp]

It just seems to me that she is making an effort now to be more sexual with you because she does not want the engagement to be called off. She was never like this previously but now says she will make a greater effort.......Oh please. She did not have to make an effort with this OM and she in fact greatly desired it with him.

 

I hate to say this but I get the feeling that once she gets married to you her effort will not be that strong ever again. Look at the facts:

 

1. She in fact cheated on you while while you were dating her.

2. She put your health at risk for STD's and never told you about it.

3. You find out from readings that she had great great sex and lust with this other guy and told him how much she enjoyed having sex with him and engaged in all sorts of sexual activities with him.

4. The best she can say about you is that the sex with you was better than she expected??? She does not engage in the sexual activities she did with the OM and is now trying to make an effort to be more sexual with you??????

5. She tells you all of the things she said to the OM was not what she really felt. Well we now have established she is a liar so why would you believe she is saying the truth now?

6. She wants to get married so she is in damage control and is saying the words she thinks you want to hear.

 

What are all of these things saying to you? For God Sakes Open your eyes.

There is nobody who is as blind as a person who refuses to see.

[xAkulax]

I feel that she chose me only because this other man was not looking for a long-term relationship with her. She has always told me that she loves me because I make her feel safe and comfortable. I just assumed it was her personality, and it hit me hard to see that she could be very expressive with the OM. For example, she told him that he was a very good lover. She has never said anything like that to me. I am afraid that she just doesn't have that sexual passion with me like she did with him. Our sex life did improve a lot for about a month before I saw her text messages. Since then we have been apart again for the past five weeks (for other reasons). It gives me time to really think if I can and should move past this. It may seem shallow on the surface, but it is very important to me.

 

 

There's a lot wrong in this relationship the sex with OM is just the tip of the iceberg you need to work basic first like trust, communication and your assertiveness as man or ahpa

[Darren Steez]

The supposition here is just crazy. Maybe OP should get his girl on her to explain how she feels. She'll be the devil in a more pages.

[dieseldave]

There's a lot wrong in this relationship the sex with OM is just the tip of the iceberg you need to work basic first like trust, communication and your assertiveness as man or ahpa

 

IMO, you can't truly assert that you are the dominant partner in any relationship unless you're able to bring your wife into orgasm with your penis alone. You're always going to be in a lower position if she's not climaxing during vaginal intercourse.

 

The guys I personally know that are rumored to be well-endowed or good at sex continue to have sex with their former girlfriends even after they breakup. That tells you something about how addictive good sex and orgasms are. Personally, the best, most stable, and genuinely loving relationship I had was with a girl that came most of the time we had sex. We didn't match on so many superficial BS things like politics or dress style, but everything else was just SO chill. She forgave so much BS from me and I wish I was mature enough at the time to realize that what I had (not just the sex being good; there were so many things I took for granted piled on to it) was love.

 

When a woman truly loves you, you KNOW she loves your sex and you don't have to post about it on internet message boards asking strangers what you should do.

[dieseldave]

Women love a good seeing to from a dominant masculine bad boy type. But it's purely sexual. Most naturally sexually aggressive men are aggressive in other areas and that's not what women like. Maybe take a break for a while and start afresh with her.

 

Make sure you ask her what she likes/needs in the bedroom and try to accommodate each other.

 

The dude sounds like a prick and she knows that deep down you sound like a life partner, a caring loyal type and there's a lot to be said for that.

 

And penis size isn't everything!

 

I agree that penis size isn't everything. Some girls are smaller down below and can really enjoy a man that is average and knows what to do with his penis. It's just so complicated. But I would say that, if you're part of that majority of women that can have vaginal orgasms from vaginal sex and prefer them, then vaginal orgasms are part of the foundation for a good relationship. The research agrees with this sentiment, too.

 

I have always strongly believed that the quality of sex in a relationship is the canary in the relationship coalmine.

[Fluttershy]

Yikes this thread is spiraling downwards with psuedo science and controversial studies. And competitiveness.