Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[SD1000]

You want honest answers you do not ask closed ended questions.

 

 

Doing so you are laying the ground work for her to give you answers that you want to hear. So she gets to do damage control instead of being 100% honest.

 

 

 

Interesting. Thanks for pointing that out. I will try to pay attention to this.

[SD1000]

I agree 100% with Iguanna.

 

My bf isn't the best in bed I ever had, it was my FWB. But my bf has so many wonderful qualities that I can't imagine not spending rest of my life with him. And sex with him isn't bad or mediocre, it's just different. I enjoyed acts more with FWB but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy them with my bf. I just can compromise on it because he's a much better man in other qualities.

 

I have a feeling OP's gf might be similar. If you want to satisfy her better, do it. Even if you won't be the best she's ever had in bed, at least you gave your best. And it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

 

 

 

What could your boyfriend do (if anything) to be a more exciting lover to you?

[SD1000]

Let us realize that marriage is legalized prostitution.

 

Every guy wants the girl that is a 10 of 10's.

 

The hot alpha female cheerleader captain for his wife. That happens to have a trust fund and a 7 figure a year salary. With at least 2 second homes.

 

 

 

 

To be fair, if I could choose anyone to have sex with, it would not be with a female that most people consider a 10. And definitely cheerleaders would not be my choice.

[SD1000]

End it with her. Being a settled for man is literally one of the worst positions a man can be in. They are the lowest on the relationship totem pole and one day when you are married and she meets some OM who gives her feelings that she never had with you you will be sorry.

 

I do believe that a man can be a great lover and a faithful husband but there are many women who don't see it that way. This woman seems to be one of those women so end it and find a woman who can see that all in one man. They are rare but they do exist. Read the divorce forums and don't let that happen to you.

 

 

 

I appreciate the sincere warning. I will do my best to avoid being a man that was 'settled for'. She knows that this need of mutual passion and attraction is a requirement for me and that I won't get married unless I am sure we have it.

[peruano99]

I'll say it again, talk with her about her needs on the bed, where she wants to be touched, etc. You can't know if you don't communicate.

[peruano99]

It's pretty obvious what's going on.

 

Women are more passionate and experimental when the man they are having sex with shows extreme desire. It turns them on to know they guy is going crazy for them. Just read some romance novels where the guy is overwhelmed with attraction and "overtakes" her (won't take no for an answer because he NEEDS her body).

 

Just like you want her to show you the same passion she showed the OM, she wants you to show the same passion he showed her. When men and women are sexually aggressive their partners feel desired.

 

Some women won't feel as free to experiment with guys that are too nice, we've had a few women on this very forum even admit it.

 

 

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[Iguanna]

I'm glad you clarified this. Generally in oral English, the word mediocre has a negative connotation. In my opinion, it generally refers to something disappointing.

 

Thank you for pointing this out, I guess in my mind the word "mediocre" I was using meant something not totally bad and not totally good but good enough, sorry. English is not my first language.

 

I'm happy to see that you are really interested in fixing this with your gf acknowledging you are at fault sometimes as well. You seem like a great guy who cares about his gf and is willing to fight for his relationship and not against his gf (some people think they are enemies with their SO, so weird..). I'm sure you'll work things out. Good luck

[dichotomy]

 

Regarding me going to the gym, she said "thank you" when I told her I have begun working hard in the gym because she assumed that I was doing it to impress her. Last night, she noticed that I was more assertive and it bothered her. She told me that she didn't want me to change because she liked my personality the way it was before.

 

 

Wow this is hitting too close to home. Got this same response 3 years ago.

 

She liked safe beta - one she did not have to step up her game for. Too bad, keep it up, but stop checking in with her, this is about you.

Edited February 18, 2014 by dichotomy

[dichotomy]

 

 

We chatted a little bit about this topic last night. Regarding the OM, she still insists that her text messages to him were just flirting and not sincere.

 

.

 

Heard this before as well.

 

So what she does not like being flirty and sexually praising of you?

 

hmmm...interesting.

[road]

I'm glad you clarified this. Generally in oral English, the word mediocre has a negative connotation. In my opinion, it generally refers to something disappointing.

 

 

 

Mediocre is always a negative rating for everything.

[road]

To be fair, if I could choose anyone to have sex with, it would not be with a female that most people consider a 10. And definitely cheerleaders would not be my choice.

 

 

 

You take the this prototype too literal.

 

 

How about the woman that is so attractive she is everymans type/dream.

[road]

Thank you for pointing this out, I guess in my mind the word "mediocre" I was using meant something not totally bad and not totally good but good enough, sorry. English is not my first language.

 

I'm happy to see that you are really interested in fixing this with your gf acknowledging you are at fault sometimes as well. You seem like a great guy who cares about his gf and is willing to fight for his relationship and not against his gf (some people think they are enemies with their SO, so weird..). I'm sure you'll work things out. Good luck

 

 

 

 

 

Think of it this way when asked was the OM better in bed then me and the WW responds to her BH: husband I always liked sex with you.

 

 

See how the WW avoided totally outright trashing her BH's performance. The use of mediocre can be from passable to could of been worse.

 

 

Mediocre is not a word of praise. Who would go to a restaurant that they heard was so so? No one.

[oldshirt]

Who cares what she wants? Learn to be selfish. It's one thing if she simply enjoyed the other man more, but she also gave more of herself to him.

 

Think about that.

 

You've dedicated your life to her, have treated her well, and have forgiven her for cheating. Yet, she gave more of herself sexually to a man that didn't even remember her name.

 

Speaks of volumes of how little she respects and values you.

 

I think that is a little harsh and a little too loose with the respect and value.

 

He hasn't said anything that indicates she doesn't respect or value him. It doesn't even sound to me that she dislikes sex with him or is not sexually responsive to him.

 

Realise the relationship with the OM was focused solely on sex, it makes sense she'd be engaging in more sextalk with him since they didn't really have much else to talk about.

 

Her relationship with SD is more comprehensive and well-rounded so they have other things to do and talk about besides sex.

 

Think of it like tennis. If a girl has a tennis partner that is solely focused on tennis and that is all they do together, she is going to bring a better tennis game to the court than when she plays with one of her other friends that happens to simply enjoy some tennis along with many other activities.

 

IMHO this relationship is worth working on and worth SD 1000 bumping up his sexy a little bit and showing her a little more passion and sexual energy while keeping his other beta traits and activities and both of their "tennis" games are gonna improve.

[oldshirt]

What I think has taking place here is they started dating and he is a decent guy and was treating her with proper respect and decorum. She has a somewhat reserved personality and responded well to how he treated her so he chalked it up that she wasn't much of a wild one in bed so just kept things comfy and low-key in the bedroom.

 

Then he finds her txts with OM and finds out she CAN be a bit of a fireball in bed, she just hasn't burned down the house with him yet cause he really hasn't asked that of her yet.

 

I think if he pumps up the volume a little bit and stops holding back the Dragon inside of himself so much, there will be some rafter-rattling going on down at the old SD 1000 house.

[oldshirt]

Except he tried to be more aggressive and assertive. She told him she didn't like it from him.

 

Probably a test.

 

A little push-back to increasing the alpha is to be expected.... appreciated in fact. That shows she's noticing the change and is testing to see if it is "real" or just an act. It gives him a chance to show what he's made of and what he can do.

 

At this stage it is just a simple fitness-test.

 

The point to be concerned is if she starts actually rejecting him with actual hard-no' s on a consistent basis, starts pulling away from him and disconnecting, starts seeing other people etc etc.

 

Some lighthearted and superficial resistance followed by riding him like a big white horse is a good sign.

[Iguanna]

Except he tried to be more aggressive and assertive. She told him she didn't like it from him.

 

Probably a test.

 

Not only that. A good girl has learnt that she shouldn't show her wild self to a guy who she wants to take her seriously. Now that her bf knows for sure that this part of herself has once existed, she is scared that he may not take her seriously anymore. She prefers to have a so-so sex life (I'm not saying mediocre, learnt my lesson ) than to show her bf that she likes it rough and wild and maybe lose his respect. Women still have the impression that if they show they are too experienced in sex and that they know what they like and demand it, they automatically show that they had many sexual partners in their lives, which equals (for most men) to having been slutty. So now she doesn't want him to see her as a sexually liberated woman all of a sudden with the fear to lose his respect. This is what I'm almost 100% is happening now.

[oldshirt]

Nice observation.

 

 

 

Most men like girls that are slutty in bed, as long as they show that side to them. And are faithful in the relationship.

 

We aren't stupid. We know women have a past. Men are more worried that they are getting leftovers or 2nd best.

 

Right.

 

I'm ok if your past lover showed you that you like to do it upside down, blind folded in the bat cave as long as you are willing to do it upside down, blindfolded in th bat cave with new too and are faithful to me during our relationship.

 

What I'd have a problem with is someone who tears up the bat cave with others but only wants me to support her shoe addiction and rub her feet at the end of the day trying on shoes.

 

I don't think that is really what is take place here.

 

I think she'd be ok with going to the bat cave with SD, he just hasn't invited her there yet.

[oldshirt]

Not only that. A good girl has learnt that she shouldn't show her wild self to a guy who she wants to take her seriously. Now that her bf knows for sure that this part of herself has once existed, she is scared that he may not take her seriously anymore. She prefers to have a so-so sex life (I'm not saying mediocre, learnt my lesson ) than to show her bf that she likes it rough and wild and maybe lose his respect. Women still have the impression that if they show they are too experienced in sex and that they know what they like and demand it, they automatically show that they had many sexual partners in their lives, which equals (for most men) to having been slutty. So now she doesn't want him to see her as a sexually liberated woman all of a sudden with the fear to lose his respect. This is what I'm almost 100% is happening now.

 

I agree that some of this could be taking place too.

 

SD 1000 actually has two tasks to accomplish here.

 

#1 is he needs to bump up the sexy and the energy and the assertiveness (aka "Alpha")

 

#2 is he still has to be supportive and kind and reassuring and nonjudgemental so that she feels safe and comfortable and not being judged or abandoned for expressing her sexuality (aka "Beta")

 

To maintain a sexual relationship both forces must coexist.

[Iguanna]

Most men like girls that are slutty in bed,

 

Not sure if that's a man I take seriously from my part... It sounds too shallow.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

 

 

Regarding me going to the gym, she said "thank you" when I told her I have begun working hard in the gym because she assumed that I was doing it to impress her. Last night, she noticed that I was more assertive and it bothered her. She told me that she didn't want me to change because she liked my personality the way it was before.

 

Well, DUH! That's the behavior of that 57 year old guy and if she wanted that, then she would be with HIM and not YOU!

 

She sent this guy texts all the time say that he was great...blah...blah...

Did you ever think that she HAD to do that because she knew that he needed an ego boost? That everytime he was with her, he need Viagra first...or something along those lines?

 

And so what if the guy had a big....unit. A friend of mine that happens to be a girl answered my "Does size matter?" question. And her answer was, "Yes, it does. But not in the way you think."

 

She said when a guy is big, then THEY know that they're big and they convince themselves that they are incredible lovers because they think that having a big penis is ALL they need to satisfy women. They do nothing else and are incredibly selfish lovers.

 

Medium sized guy are not under this delusion, so they take the time to explore a woman's body. They watch her reaction to what they like and don't like. They make sure that the woman has a pleasurable time and stick to the old saying that nice guys FINISH last. They do this in hopes of a repeat performance from her in the future.

 

So, I think what you need to work on is the romance. You can never be too overtly romantic. Surprise her with a night out on the town. Take her to a fancy restaurant, take her to a broadway production of something, bring her flowers or draw her a bubble bath with candles, rose pedals and wine. Leave little post it notes all around for her to find stating that you love her. THOSE are the things she's going to love and remember.

 

So, I want you to try something. It worked for me and I'm wondering if lightning will strike twice. One time, I called my girl at work and she was obviously having a bad day. When I got off the phone with her, I called the local flouriest. I had them deliver a dozen roses to her work with a note saying, "Just because it's Wednesday and you sounded like you needed flowers. Love me."

 

When those flowers got to her work, all her female co-workers were like, "AWWW!!! That is soooo sweet! I wish my boyfriend or husband did stuff like that for me!" It made her day! She felt desired, she felt loved AND she felt that SHE won the lottery because no one else's man does this for them. Makes you look like a keeper and when my girl got home, I had the lights down low. I was cooking dinner and she saw that I REALLY did up the dining room table with white linen table clothe, candles...the works. She was walking on cloud 9 and jumped my bones.

 

I think THAT'S the more desired assertiveness she's looking for.

[drifter777]

Nice observation.

 

 

 

Most men like girls that are slutty in bed, as long as they show that side to them. And are faithful in the relationship.

 

We aren't stupid. We know women have a past. Men are more worried that they are getting leftovers or 2nd best.

I disagree unless it's a ONS or FWB kind of thing. If the guy thinks maybe she is "the one" he could be put off if she is a freak in the sack. I would always advise a woman to start out vanilla with a guy she thinks she could be serious about just to be safe. As things progress she can ramp things up safely because the guy will think he turned her out. Let him think he taught you all of those tricks and he'll be a happy man

[Speakingofwhich]

I agree. My plan now is to spend three months with her not thinking about a wedding and to see if she is really able to become more passionate and open sexually and to see if I can really get passed these thoughts of mine.

 

 

I would still appreciate more input from females who have had a similar experience as my fiancé.

 

I read only to page 4 so perhaps by this time you've had enough input from females with same experience as your gf.

 

From my viewpoint, hot sex is a result of my partner (man) getting into my head (my soul), not a result of the words, antics or size involved.

Edited February 18, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[oldshirt]

 

If the guy thinks maybe she is "the one" he could be put off if she is a freak in the sack. I would always advise a woman to start out vanilla with a guy she thinks she could be serious about just to be safe. As things progress she can ramp things up safely because the guy will think he turned her out. Let him think he taught you all of those tricks and he'll be a happy man

 

This was probably pretty standard grandma advise years ago to try to gloss over or even hide the fact a girl wasn't virginal. Perhaps it even still goes on.

 

I will admit I got freaked out once by a gal I thought was too adventurous for my tastes and let her go. I had just turned 20 and she was only my 2nd lover. ...and boy do I wish I could have another crack at her now!!!!! :-D

 

It happens but is probably more of an issue with younger and relatively less experienced men.

 

We have to keep in mind we're talking about full grown adults here.

[road]

Not only that. A good girl has learnt that she shouldn't show her wild self to a guy who she wants to take her seriously. Now that her bf knows for sure that this part of herself has once existed, she is scared that he may not take her seriously anymore. She prefers to have a so-so sex life (I'm not saying mediocre, learnt my lesson ) than to show her bf that she likes it rough and wild and maybe lose his respect. Women still have the impression that if they show they are too experienced in sex and that they know what they like and demand it, they automatically show that they had many sexual partners in their lives, which equals (for most men) to having been slutty. So now she doesn't want him to see her as a sexually liberated woman all of a sudden with the fear to lose his respect. This is what I'm almost 100% is happening now.

 

 

 

 

 

When you say So So you are just saying mediocre in another way. Something that is so so is not worth the effort.

[SD1000]

I'll say it again, talk with her about her needs on the bed, where she wants to be touched, etc. You can't know if you don't communicate.

 

 

 

I had tried to communicate a few times. She generally said that she didn't know what she wants, except for the feeling of being wanted, because she never had an experience before where her partner tried to please her needs.