Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[SD1000]

You take the this prototype too literal.

 

 

How about the woman that is so attractive she is everymans type/dream.

 

 

 

I generally do not have the same opinions as many other men about who is hot, for some reason. I prefer a cute, sweet lady than someone who looks like a Hollywood actress or a Victoria's secret model. That's just me.

[SD1000]

Probably a test.

 

A little push-back to increasing the alpha is to be expected.... appreciated in fact. That shows she's noticing the change and is testing to see if it is "real" or just an act. It gives him a chance to show what he's made of and what he can do.

 

At this stage it is just a simple fitness-test.

 

The point to be concerned is if she starts actually rejecting him with actual hard-no' s on a consistent basis, starts pulling away from him and disconnecting, starts seeing other people etc etc.

 

Some lighthearted and superficial resistance followed by riding him like a big white horse is a good sign.

 

 

I think you're completely right in this post and your previous one. I'll stay strong and post updates.

[SD1000]

Not only that. A good girl has learnt that she shouldn't show her wild self to a guy who she wants to take her seriously. Now that her bf knows for sure that this part of herself has once existed, she is scared that he may not take her seriously anymore. She prefers to have a so-so sex life (I'm not saying mediocre, learnt my lesson ) than to show her bf that she likes it rough and wild and maybe lose his respect. Women still have the impression that if they show they are too experienced in sex and that they know what they like and demand it, they automatically show that they had many sexual partners in their lives, which equals (for most men) to having been slutty. So now she doesn't want him to see her as a sexually liberated woman all of a sudden with the fear to lose his respect. This is what I'm almost 100% is happening now.

 

 

 

I have thought about this and I hope you're right. There were two nights last summer in which I felt that she was pretty wild. It was pretty passionate and I was aggressive after we started because I knew that she was turned on. However after that, she never mentioned it again and never hinted that she would also like to do that again.

 

 

Good job of eliminating the word 'mediocre'. However, I have bad news for you, "so-so" has the same negative connotation as mediocre. : ) I recommend that you use the word 'satisfactory sex' or 'decent sex'. Aside from that, you don't need any other language tips because your English is very good and you can express things very well.

[SD1000]

Not sure if that's a man I take seriously from my part... It sounds too shallow.

 

 

 

A man is shallow if that is what he only wants. I also want her to be my close friend and sweetheart and life partner. She even mentioned last November that she heart that men like their wife to be a slut in the bedroom. I also want my wife to show sexual interest sometimes outside the bedroom.

[SD1000]

 

Well, DUH! That's the behavior of that 57 year old guy and if she wanted that, then she would be with HIM and not YOU!

 

She sent this guy texts all the time say that he was great...blah...blah...

Did you ever think that she HAD to do that because she knew that he needed an ego boost? That everytime he was with her, he need Viagra first...or something along those lines?

 

And so what if the guy had a big....unit. A friend of mine that happens to be a girl answered my "Does size matter?" question. And her answer was, "Yes, it does. But not in the way you think."

 

She said when a guy is big, then THEY know that they're big and they convince themselves that they are incredible lovers because they think that having a big penis is ALL they need to satisfy women. They do nothing else and are incredibly selfish lovers.

 

Medium sized guy are not under this delusion, so they take the time to explore a woman's body. They watch her reaction to what they like and don't like. They make sure that the woman has a pleasurable time and stick to the old saying that nice guys FINISH last. They do this in hopes of a repeat performance from her in the future.

 

So, I think what you need to work on is the romance. You can never be too overtly romantic. Surprise her with a night out on the town. Take her to a fancy restaurant, take her to a broadway production of something, bring her flowers or draw her a bubble bath with candles, rose pedals and wine. Leave little post it notes all around for her to find stating that you love her. THOSE are the things she's going to love and remember.

 

So, I want you to try something. It worked for me and I'm wondering if lightning will strike twice. One time, I called my girl at work and she was obviously having a bad day. When I got off the phone with her, I called the local flouriest. I had them deliver a dozen roses to her work with a note saying, "Just because it's Wednesday and you sounded like you needed flowers. Love me."

 

When those flowers got to her work, all her female co-workers were like, "AWWW!!! That is soooo sweet! I wish my boyfriend or husband did stuff like that for me!" It made her day! She felt desired, she felt loved AND she felt that SHE won the lottery because no one else's man does this for them. Makes you look like a keeper and when my girl got home, I had the lights down low. I was cooking dinner and she saw that I REALLY did up the dining room table with white linen table clothe, candles...the works. She was walking on cloud 9 and jumped my bones.

 

I think THAT'S the more desired assertiveness she's looking for.

 

 

 

In our situation, I have always been more romantic to her. I am a part-time musician with a recording studio. Early in our relationship, I wrote and recorded a song about her, wrote her love letters, took her out often. She liked those things, but she is not such a romantic person to express her feelings in those ways very often. Last Fall, she told me that our time together was the happiest time of her life. She also recently told me that she expresses her love by wanting to take care of me. I told her that those things are also very valuable to me, but that I know that I will need more of a passionate and romantic love for me to be completely happy.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

In our situation, I have always been more romantic to her. I am a part-time musician with a recording studio. Early in our relationship, I wrote and recorded a song about her, wrote her love letters, took her out often. She liked those things, but she is not such a romantic person to express her feelings in those ways very often. Last Fall, she told me that our time together was the happiest time of her life. She also recently told me that she expresses her love by wanting to take care of me. I told her that those things are also very valuable to me, but that I know that I will need more of a passionate and romantic love for me to be completely happy.

 

 

Then you need to tell HER about it! The most successful relationships are only successful because they know how to communicate with each other. And also UNDERSTANDING what each of you are saying to each other. And if you don't agree, then you talk it out and come to a happy median.

 

A lot of women say that they have needs, well...guys have needs too. We just need to express those needs to our partners.

 

Maybe you guys should think about attending some couples counseling to help you guys do that.

[oldshirt]

I think you got this.

 

 

Just bump up the sexy. Hit the gym, spend some time and effort grooming a little more meticulously, update the hairstyle/glasses/contacts/LASIK, dress a little more stylishly in well fitting stylish clothes. Then work on being more assertive in what YOU want in bed and be less inhibited in bed.

 

 

I disagree with the above poster that said to ask her what she wants and what she likes. Asking her what she likes is a step backwards and will make her uncomfortable and make you look weak and timid.

 

 

Find out what she likes by trying it. Don't ask first just do it like you put here on Earth to do it. If she doesn't want you doing it she will squirm away from you. If she likes it you'll know. Determine what she likes by her responses. Don't put her on the spot or make yourself look weak by asking.

 

 

By taking the initiative it will make you look more assertive and sexy and you will learn her likes and dislikes.

 

 

Enjoy.

[Speakingofwhich]

OP, you can't always judge a person's sex life with another person by reading texts between the two of them.

 

She may have been following this guy's lead with the texts and responding to him in a way she thought he expected from her, rather than in the way that she would have most liked to interact with a man.

 

A relationship is like a dance. One leads in setting the tone and the other follows. I'm going to get reamed out for this probably, but most of the time it is the guy who leads.

 

This guy your gf texted with may have led with colorful sexual language and expressions of desire so she felt comfortable speaking to him that way.

 

Whereas if you haven't spoken to her in that way she then may not feel comfortable speaking to you in the way she did with him, even though she may/probably does enjoy sex with you as much or more than she did with him.

 

It seems your gf really loves you. I would hate for you to be misled by some crazy sounding texts into thinking she wants that kind of thing more than she wants/enjoys the love you have to offer her.

 

It sounds to me as if your gf is a woman of depth, not some airhead who needs to bounce all over the place, scream and shout obscenities during sex and then text about it to enjoy it! Alright, just being a little facetious here! But, you get the picture!

 

This woman is communicating with you, trying to work through this with you and to let you know that she's very happy with the sex life the two of you share. Build on what you have (she obviously likes it!) by observing her, listening to her, studying who she is and what she likes so that you can get into her mind. Then no other man will be able to compare to what you have to offer her!

[oldshirt]

 

 

Then you need to tell HER about it! The most successful relationships are only successful because they know how to communicate with each other. And also UNDERSTANDING what each of you are saying to each other. And if you don't agree, then you talk it out and come to a happy median.

 

A lot of women say that they have needs, well...guys have needs too. We just need to express those needs to our partners.

 

Maybe you guys should think about attending some couples counseling to help you guys do that.

 

 

 

Talking and counseling are for addressing actual problems and dysfunctions. I haven't seen any actual problems here.

 

 

In this case do less talking and more doing. Don't tell her about your wants and needs, show her.

 

 

Don't ask her what she likes or dislikes, find out for yourself.

[SD1000]

 

 

Then you need to tell HER about it! The most successful relationships are only successful because they know how to communicate with each other. And also UNDERSTANDING what each of you are saying to each other. And if you don't agree, then you talk it out and come to a happy median.

 

A lot of women say that they have needs, well...guys have needs too. We just need to express those needs to our partners.

 

Maybe you guys should think about attending some couples counseling to help you guys do that.

 

 

 

I have told her about many times. However, looking back, I think that I should have mentioned in the beginning that I require this instead of merely saying that I wanted that many times. You can't ask someone to have more passion for you, just like you can't ask someone to love you more. At this point, it seems the best thing for me to do is to be more confident, be strong and unwaivering about what I need from her, work hard in the gym, show her that no one can take me for granted, and show my passion before and when in the bedroom. If that causes her to be more passionate for me, I will notice it.

[SD1000]

I think you got this.

 

 

Just bump up the sexy. Hit the gym, spend some time and effort grooming a little more meticulously, update the hairstyle/glasses/contacts/LASIK, dress a little more stylishly in well fitting stylish clothes. Then work on being more assertive in what YOU want in bed and be less inhibited in bed.

 

 

I disagree with the above poster that said to ask her what she wants and what she likes. Asking her what she likes is a step backwards and will make her uncomfortable and make you look weak and timid.

 

 

Find out what she likes by trying it. Don't ask first just do it like you put here on Earth to do it. If she doesn't want you doing it she will squirm away from you. If she likes it you'll know. Determine what she likes by her responses. Don't put her on the spot or make yourself look weak by asking.

 

 

 

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. I will stop asking her what she likes because that has not helped me so far. If we are together in one year from now and our sexual communication and confidence is high, then it would perhaps make more sense to ask her again what she liked if she brings the topic up first.

[SD1000]

OP, you can't always judge a person's sex life with another person by reading texts between the two of them.

 

She may have been following this guy's lead with the texts and responding to him in a way she thought he expected from her, rather than in the way that she would have most liked to interact with a man.

 

.....

 

This guy your gf texted with may have led with colorful sexual language and expressions of desire so she felt comfortable speaking to him that way.

 

Whereas if you haven't spoken to her in that way she then may not feel comfortable speaking to you in the way she did with him, even though she may/probably does enjoy sex with you as much or more than she did with him.

 

It seems your gf really loves you. I would hate for you to be misled by some crazy sounding texts into thinking she wants that kind of thing more than she wants/enjoys the love you have to offer her.

....

This woman is communicating with you, trying to work through this with you and to let you know that she's very happy with the sex life the two of you share. Build on what you have (she obviously likes it!) by observing her, listening to her, studying who she is and what she likes so that you can get into her mind. Then no other man will be able to compare to what you have to offer her!

 

 

I showed the texts to another female counselor and she also said that we can't know the complete dynamics from only reading the text messages. However, it does hurt to see that she never sexually flirted with me in the same way. He enjoyed a part of her that I had always wished for.

 

 

I do think she loves me in one important way and often tells me that. Today she sent me a long text message. Here it is:

 

 

The way I show my love is a traditional way and it shows my love and passion. Cooking and cleaning are things that I have always disliked very much. When we lived together last summer I tried my best to learn how to do those things because in my eyes, these are the most romantic things to do for your man and shows the determination to be his woman.

 

I still hate to do these things back in my own home. It always reminds me of the time spent living with you and why I enjoyed doing these things so much when I was with you. It was the time in which I most felt very feminine and soft. These changes automatically happened when I was with you. Why? The only reason is you and the love for you.

[SD1000]

This guy your gf texted with may have led with colorful sexual language and expressions of desire so she felt comfortable speaking to him that way.

 

 

 

Yes, that's true. After their first meeting, which was a dinner, he texts her "I miss kissing you. I want to kiss your whole body all over". And keep in mind, he was a 57 year old business man.

[Fluttershy]

Yes, that's true. After their first meeting, which was a dinner, he texts her "I miss kissing you. I want to kiss your whole body all over". And keep in mind, he was a 57 year old business man.

 

I believe my assumption (of course I do it is mine) is still right and that she swooned for him and was a lovesick puppy and was trying to play his tune an feed his ego. Not something very attractive IMO. I don't think it is others assume that the sex was so awesome and then she settled for you. None of her behaviour since then has indicated that is what happened.

 

Maybe she wasn't even lovesick. Or maybe it was a short visit to fantasy and she snapped out of it. Or maybe she is a people pleasure and instead of seeking her own desires she tries to do what she thinks others want. Him a dirty girl who stroked his ego. You a vanilla girl. This is all just supposition. I don't know. But i do think there are a lot more possibilities than the cut and dry sex was better eith him, she will always long for him, she is settling for you. Sex isn't good with you.

 

The question is? Is she worth the time and risk! To you? No one here or elsewheres because that is what is really important.

[Speakingofwhich]

Yes, that's true. After their first meeting, which was a dinner, he texts her "I miss kissing you. I want to kiss your whole body all over". And keep in mind, he was a 57 year old business man.

 

Right, those are exciting words for a woman to hear.

 

Why don't you try talking with her this way? I'll bet she'd soon be talking with you the same way. It may take a little time and courage to do this but you can do it gradually.

[BHsigh]

SD1000,

 

 

First of all, I agree with you that you should forgive her for the first four months, many people see dating at not exclusive until there has been a discussion about being exclusive. I believe that this is a good call, she was with him before she met you, she was dating both of you for a short time, then she chose you.

 

 

She maybe should have told you about him to begin (not intimate details of course). Maybe not though, whichever. But being that he's so much older than her it sounds like a fling until she found someone better, and that would be you.

 

 

Plenty of people have flings that they aren't serious about, and people like sex differently with different people. She may be so serious about you that doesn't want to show that side of herself while with him she didn't really care and let it all go. I say just treat this like you would any of her previous relationships.

 

 

Follow the advice given, because ultimately it is up to you to open up this side of her. She sounds like she wants to be slightly submissive, a lot of women do, feed that part of her and be dominant and have fun, she'll open up.

 

 

I don't know how many times I've gotten my wife into the mood for sex when she offered a quicky because she was tired etc., by just being dominant.

[Iguanna]

I think the misunderstandings here happen cause men and women think and act differently (obviously ). A man can easily understand another man if he tells him that he married a woman almost only for their amazing sexual life. A woman can't do this. A woman wants other things in a man she considers marrying. If a female friend of hers tells her she married someone cause he is great in bed, this will create a lot of judgement and even shock. In my opinion a woman choosing to marry a man exclusively for good sex does not show a stable person and is not something that happens every day, while the opposite is something that happens a lot. Most men can "look the other way" if their wife doesn't have some qualities that are essential for a man to have, according to a woman, if their wife is amazing at sex and seems to not being able to get enough of it. Some women (mostly feminists) would maybe disagree now and say that amazing sex is equally important to both men and women, but I disagree. A woman can take it if her husband is not that good in sex, but she can't accept it if he's lazy, abusive, wasteful, addictive, etc. A man can marry a woman and feed her and buy her clothes and gifts and even bear her being a little abusive if she gives him amazing sex.

[Woggle]

I think the misunderstandings here happen cause men and women think and act differently (obviously ). A man can easily understand another man if he tells him that he married a woman almost only for their amazing sexual life. A woman can't do this. A woman wants other things in a man she considers marrying. If a female friend of hers tells her she married someone cause he is great in bed, this will create a lot of judgement and even shock. In my opinion a woman choosing to marry a man exclusively for good sex does not show a stable person and is not something that happens every day, while the opposite is something that happens a lot. Most men can "look the other way" if their wife doesn't have some qualities that are essential for a man to have, according to a woman, if their wife is amazing at sex and seems to not being able to get enough of it. Some women (mostly feminists) would maybe disagree now and say that amazing sex is equally important to both men and women, but I disagree. A woman can take it if her husband is not that good in sex, but she can't accept it if he's lazy, abusive, wasteful, addictive, etc. A man can marry a woman and feed her and buy her clothes and gifts and even bear her being a little abusive if she gives him amazing sex.

 

Yeah but if a man does not get a woman wet the relationship is pretty much doomed from the start. This divorce forum on here and many other boards are filled with heartbroken who were settled for. The settled for man is the lowest on the totem pole.

[Speakingofwhich]

SD1000,

Follow the advice given, because ultimately it is up to you to open up this side of her. She sounds like she wants to be slightly submissive, a lot of women do, feed that part of her and be dominant and have fun, she'll open up.

 

^^^^^^^^^^

This. Also you probably already say some of the following type comments but if you don't you may want to try it maybe when you're away from her and talking on the phone with her or even when you're with her........

 

"You know that dress you were wearing Tuesday, when you sat down at the restaurant the hem pulled back a little and I could see right up your thigh...I keep thinking about seeing your thigh like that (or thinking about seeing your gorgeous leg!) and it's driving me crazy."

 

Can comment on her scent staying with you after you've had a day together. (tell her you keep putting your hand to your face to smell her scent or don't want to wash your hand, you could smell her scent on your shirt, etc.)

 

"When you walked by me wearing that (whatever) your (whatever) was so beautiful I wanted to just reach out and put my hand on it.

 

Kind of lower your voice as if you're going to tell her a secret you don't want anyone else to hear when you say these things.

 

Ease into it kind of gradually and naturally as opposed to bombing her with it. Think it'll turn the heat up for both of you.

[Iguanna]

What I'm wondering though is this. If SD does what we tell him to do (try to be more "open" sexually to his gf and help her get out her wild side with him), how will she react to this? Won't this be like him saying to her "I was not totally satisfied with our sex life so far cause I wanted you to be more [whatever], but I couldn't ask you that cause I respected you / didn't want to press you, but now that I saw that you have had this wild side with another man, I'll try to make you be like this with me as well". If it were me in his gf's shoes, I'd take it like he doesn't respect me that much anymore and/or he doesn't care to push me about this matter anymore. I wouldn't like it. Especially if she knowingly all this time did not show her wild side to make him take her seriously (a theory I stated in a previous post of mine). I'd be sad and disappointed, to be honest.

[janedoe67]

Yeah but if a man does not get a woman wet the relationship is pretty much doomed from the start. This divorce forum on here and many other boards are filled with heartbroken who were settled for. The settled for man is the lowest on the totem pole.

 

Well lucky for this poster he doesn't have that problem

[BHsigh]

What I'm wondering though is this. If SD does what we tell him to do (try to be more "open" sexually to his gf and help her get out her wild side with him), how will she react to this? Won't this be like him saying to her "I was not totally satisfied with our sex life so far cause I wanted you to be more [whatever], but I couldn't ask you that cause I respected you / didn't want to press you, but now that I saw that you have had this wild side with another man, I'll try to make you be like this with me as well". If it were me in his gf's shoes, I'd take it like he doesn't respect me that much anymore and/or he doesn't care to push me about this matter anymore. I wouldn't like it. Especially if she knowingly all this time did not show her wild side to make him take her seriously (a theory I stated in a previous post of mine). I'd be sad and disappointed, to be honest.

 

If he wants her wild side, then it's never too late to try. And anyone that's in a long term relationship knows that eventually vanilla sex gets boring, what's wrong with changing it up.

 

If she doesn't like it, then it is her right to tell him so, but if having a wild side isn't something that bothers her (which it obviously isn't) then she at least needs to try for her future husband, just like he would need to try things for his future wife. If it's not something that bothers them, then why not?

 

And at least he's being honest about what he wants, that's always a good thing.

[BHsigh]

What I'm wondering though is this. If SD does what we tell him to do (try to be more "open" sexually to his gf and help her get out her wild side with him), how will she react to this? Won't this be like him saying to her "I was not totally satisfied with our sex life so far cause I wanted you to be more [whatever], but I couldn't ask you that cause I respected you / didn't want to press you, but now that I saw that you have had this wild side with another man, I'll try to make you be like this with me as well". If it were me in his gf's shoes, I'd take it like he doesn't respect me that much anymore and/or he doesn't care to push me about this matter anymore. I wouldn't like it. Especially if she knowingly all this time did not show her wild side to make him take her seriously (a theory I stated in a previous post of mine). I'd be sad and disappointed, to be honest.

 

And you do realize that for many men this is a big deal, by trying to "hide her wild side so that he takes her seriously", she may just be pushing him away and making him take her less seriously.

 

Angel in the street, devil in the sheets, that's what many, many men live by. Women that follow what you said have it backwards for the majority of men, including OP.

[gia37]

I have followed this thread because it reminds me a bit of my (now broken) marriage.

I imagine that many things that have been written here are not pleasant to read for the OP. Some posters go even so far that they presume that the woman in question had vaginal or multiorgasms or whatever world wonders from the 57 yrs old alpha businessman while the OP is giving her nothing. This is pure fantasy. All we know is that the woman has not shown such a level of passion to the OP.

The point is that it doesnt make the OP a worse lover. The point is that the two persons arent enough passionate sexually with each other... lets call it lack of chemistry. Instead of hurting himself more and more (and starting to believe he is a bad lover...) the OP could simply acknowledge that he doesnt bring her wild side out and SHE doesnt bring his wild side out EITHER. They are both settling.

 

My conviction is that sexual passion is the base of a fulfilling relationship. A French saying goes that if all is good in the bedroom, the relationship can be saved. So true.

[Iguanna]

The point is that it doesnt make the OP a worse lover. The point is that the two persons arent enough passionate sexually with each other... lets call it lack of chemistry. Instead of hurting himself more and more (and starting to believe he is a bad lover...) the OP could simply acknowledge that he doesnt bring her wild side out and SHE doesnt bring his wild side out EITHER. They are both settling.

 

I agree. The question is, do they know that they are settling and if they do, do they mind?

 

My conviction is that sexual passion is the base of a fulfilling relationship. A French saying goes that if all is good in the bedroom, the relationship can be saved. So true.

 

I disagree. Couples that stay together for 40 or 50 years don't base their long lasting relationship on sex. For me it's a plus to have a satisfying sex life, but I would most definitely never leave a great guy if I didn't have that.