Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[soccerrprp]

I disagree. Couples that stay together for 40 or 50 years don't base their long lasting relationship on sex. For me it's a plus to have a satisfying sex life, but I would most definitely never leave a great guy if I didn't have that.

 

Agreed. Never heard that long term relationships are due to satisfying sex. It makes sense that early on sex is useful in the cultivation of deeper emotional and physical needs and bonds, but it soon phases out leaving a lasting respect, interconnection of interdependence and eternal affection. This is what I want during my twilight days with my SO.

[violet1]

I agree. The question is, do they know that they are settling and if they do, do they mind?

 

 

 

I disagree. Couples that stay together for 40 or 50 years don't base their long lasting relationship on sex. For me it's a plus to have a satisfying sex life, but I would most definitely never leave a great guy if I didn't have that.

It's true that long-term relationships aren't based on sex. However, sex is a form of communication. In most marriages monogamy is expected. Without sex, you become disconnected from your spouse. This is what happened in my M. Letting the issue go is how affairs happen. Fortunately, my H and I are working on our issues and our M is slowly becoming stronger. Honestly, without sex and intimacy in a marriage, it's a roommate situation. Who wants that in a marriage? Not me! I probably could go without sex as long as there are other physical elements involved, but that wouldn't be fair to my H or M.

[gia37]

I just know that if I wouldnt get passionate sex in my relationship I would look for it elsewhere. In my marriage we didnt have sexual chemistry (married too young, were both first to each other etc) and it failed.

[SD1000]

Right, those are exciting words for a woman to hear.

 

Why don't you try talking with her this way? I'll bet she'd soon be talking with you the same way. It may take a little time and courage to do this but you can do it gradually.

 

 

 

Before, yes, I would be careful to not use such strong words with her. Very early this morning, she text me that she could not sleep well last night. It said "I'm wondering if you agree to make love early in the morning when I can't sleep."

 

 

My reply was: "If I'm going to be woken up at 4:30 am for sex, it will need to be damn hot sex." I'm not timid with her anymore. : )

 

 

Her reply was "Yes".

[SD1000]

I think the misunderstandings here happen cause men and women think and act differently (obviously ). A man can easily understand another man if he tells him that he married a woman almost only for their amazing sexual life. A woman can't do this. A woman wants other things in a man she considers marrying. If a female friend of hers tells her she married someone cause he is great in bed, this will create a lot of judgement and even shock. In my opinion a woman choosing to marry a man exclusively for good sex does not show a stable person and is not something that happens every day, while the opposite is something that happens a lot. Most men can "look the other way" if their wife doesn't have some qualities that are essential for a man to have, according to a woman, if their wife is amazing at sex and seems to not being able to get enough of it. Some women (mostly feminists) would maybe disagree now and say that amazing sex is equally important to both men and women, but I disagree. A woman can take it if her husband is not that good in sex, but she can't accept it if he's lazy, abusive, wasteful, addictive, etc. A man can marry a woman and feed her and buy her clothes and gifts and even bear her being a little abusive if she gives him amazing sex.

 

 

 

I'm not sure how many men this applies to, but definitely not me. I dated a woman who was extremely passionate about sex and looked good and had a good job. However she was not someone I could communicate with or feel close to. She was not a sweet lady. She was definitely not what I was looking for.

[SD1000]

What I'm wondering though is this. If SD does what we tell him to do (try to be more "open" sexually to his gf and help her get out her wild side with him), how will she react to this? Won't this be like him saying to her "I was not totally satisfied with our sex life so far cause I wanted you to be more [whatever], but I couldn't ask you that cause I respected you / didn't want to press you, but now that I saw that you have had this wild side with another man, I'll try to make you be like this with me as well". If it were me in his gf's shoes, I'd take it like he doesn't respect me that much anymore and/or he doesn't care to push me about this matter anymore. I wouldn't like it. Especially if she knowingly all this time did not show her wild side to make him take her seriously (a theory I stated in a previous post of mine). I'd be sad and disappointed, to be honest.

 

 

 

I think that she understands that our sex life needs to have some changes and there are signs that she also wants it to be better. I have already made it known in the past two weeks that I need things to be different. Before I thought that she wasn't able to be that way, so I was understanding. However, since she is able to, then I need that from her as well. It is also important for me and so I don't think I want to accept that she could give this to a very POS businessman who didn't care about her at all, but not to the guy who cares about her and wants to marry her.

[SD1000]

The point is that the two persons arent enough passionate sexually with each other... lets call it lack of chemistry. Instead of hurting himself more and more (and starting to believe he is a bad lover...) the OP could simply acknowledge that he doesnt bring her wild side out and SHE doesnt bring his wild side out EITHER. They are both settling.

 

 

 

I agree that chemistry must be there. No, I will not settle. I will do my part and then see if she is able to be more passionate over a long enough period of time. If she is settling for me, then I will eventually know and I will end the relationship.

[drifter777]

It's really very, very difficult to change your basic personality; who you are. The bedroom is certainly one place we don't want to be judged and that's what it feels like if you are putting on a performance instead of naturally responding. If your partner asks for something that you are willing to do but doesn't come naturally I think you should try to please them. Over time you might come to enjoy the new trick and then it feels natural for you. OP shouldn't try to change who he is but be willing to try a new approach to please his lady - as long as it's something he is comfortable with. I don't think a person can just turn into a dom because they want to, but maybe can play the part once in a while.

[dichotomy]

On the one hand I feel maybe this might be the transformation and exploration you both needed.

 

However, on the the other hand I am concerned you are getting "traction" with your gal over the sex issue, because her "wild side" was found out, and she wants to be married, and risks loosing this now. In other words, she has to be wild with you or else, but she does not want to. If this sexual response from her does not come naturally in response to you as man (as she said you don't do this for her) than I feel resentment may build in both of you - including after marriage.

 

But your not married yet, and if you hold off for a while - I suppose nothing to be lost in both of you exploring a change in how you interact in the bedroom. As man I think it is fine you explore and grow and see if you can add to (but not complete change) how you approach with sex and alpha sides with her. At least your going to be getting some oral...

 

Just remember, your past lovers did not need you to be different in order to be sexually aggressive and expressive with you.

[Iguanna]

I think that she understands that our sex life needs to have some changes and there are signs that she also wants it to be better. I have already made it known in the past two weeks that I need things to be different. Before I thought that she wasn't able to be that way, so I was understanding. However, since she is able to, then I need that from her as well. It is also important for me and so I don't think I want to accept that she could give this to a very POS businessman who didn't care about her at all, but not to the guy who cares about her and wants to marry her.

 

Can you guarantee you will still respect her and take her seriously 100% the same as before?

[BHsigh]

Can you guarantee you will still respect her and take her seriously 100% the same as before?

 

Can he guarantee that he will respect her and taker her seriously 100% the same as before if she doesn't at least try?

[Iguanna]

Can he guarantee that he will respect her and taker her seriously 100% the same as before if she doesn't at least try?

 

If their sex life was somewhat not satisfying before he found out about the messages, then he should have tried to make her try about this matter then. Has he done that? No. My understanding is that he was too polite and gentleman to press her to be more wild in sex. Now he feels like a kid that just found out that other kids can have ice cream before dinner, he feels like he's missed something that ought to be his and now he'll spend all his energy to counterbalance what he was missing all this time. This behavior from him may be misunderstood by his gf. If I were his gf, I'd think "he was treating me with respect before, but now he found out I did a couple of wild things with another man, he wants to take what he think he deserves from me, but will this mean he will not respect me that much anymore?". This is the reason why we don't talk to current boyfriends about past sexual experiences. It always comes back to bite us in the end.

[oldshirt]

It's really very, very difficult to change your basic personality; who you are. The bedroom is certainly one place we don't want to be judged and that's what it feels like if you are putting on a performance instead of naturally responding. If your partner asks for something that you are willing to do but doesn't come naturally I think you should try to please them. Over time you might come to enjoy the new trick and then it feels natural for you. OP shouldn't try to change who he is but be willing to try a new approach to please his lady - as long as it's something he is comfortable with. I don't think a person can just turn into a dom because they want to, but maybe can play the part once in a while.

 

I kind of agree with this in principle.

 

However I have the feeling that SD 1000 May have been holding himself back with her sexually and was not really unleashing the inner fire that lays within him.

 

This is often the case with guys who were brought up to be "nice guys" and were raised to suppress their sexuality and not treat women with overt sexuality. Many times the message to not treat women as sex objects or as whites get taken to the point that they are not treated as sexual beings at all.

 

I don't think people are telling him to begin unnaturally dominant or aggressive, but rather to not artificially hold himself back and be more willing to freely express his natural interests.

[Iguanna]

Men won't think any less of their partner because of something they do in bed. That's just women projecting their insecurities.

 

I'm sorry but many times I've heard otherwise from men. If a woman shows too much experience in bed and asks for weird stuff, a man will like it of course, but the next day he'll wonder with how many men she has slept with and will doubt her seriousness (if I can use this term).

[SD1000]

Can you guarantee you will still respect her and take her seriously 100% the same as before?

 

 

 

Yes, definitely. In my opinion, there is nothing disrespectful for a couple to show passion and a wild, desiring side for each other if they are in a committed relationship. Actually, I think I would love her even more if I felt her desire for me more.

[SD1000]

I kind of agree with this in principle.

 

However I have the feeling that SD 1000 May have been holding himself back with her sexually and was not really unleashing the inner fire that lays within him.

 

This is often the case with guys who were brought up to be "nice guys" and were raised to suppress their sexuality and not treat women with overt sexuality. Many times the message to not treat women as sex objects or as whites get taken to the point that they are not treated as sexual beings at all.

 

I don't think people are telling him to begin unnaturally dominant or aggressive, but rather to not artificially hold himself back and be more willing to freely express his natural interests.

 

 

Your post describes me very accurately. I'm impressed with your and others intuition and equally impressed with the quality of people in this forum.

[SD1000]

I'm sorry but many times I've heard otherwise from men. If a woman shows too much experience in bed and asks for weird stuff, a man will like it of course, but the next day he'll wonder with how many men she has slept with and will doubt her seriousness (if I can use this term).

 

 

 

I think that might be true if this happens too early in the relationship. However, after it is established that the guy already really likes the woman and they have developed a close connection, then he will not think any less of her.

[SD1000]

One interesting update. My new found confidence and strength does seem to have an effect on her. For the past two nights, she has not slept well and has texted me. For example, last night before going to bed, I sent her a simple text that said that I hope she sleeps better tonight. She replied that she can sleep better if I tell her that I will love her forever. I did not reply. Then at 2 am, she texts "I guess you don't want to answer that question.

 

 

I replied that I thought she would already be sleeping and wrote that I still love her and wish that we can love each other forever. She then replied that I am her greatest love and that she will always love me.

 

 

I mention this here because I had not seen such emotion from her before. I think it is a good sign, but of course I need to see if it lasts.

[BHsigh]

I'm sorry but many times I've heard otherwise from men. If a woman shows too much experience in bed and asks for weird stuff, a man will like it of course, but the next day he'll wonder with how many men she has slept with and will doubt her seriousness (if I can use this term).

 

You do have a good point, and it's unfortunate that some men think that way.

 

However I would like to point out that this far into OP's relationship, being wild in bed will not be anything but positive. I would understand your point better if it was very early in the relationship.

[Iguanna]

You do have a good point, and it's unfortunate that some men think that way.

 

However I would like to point out that this far into OP's relationship, being wild in bed will not be anything but positive. I would understand your point better if it was very early in the relationship.

 

I agree. I was talking more general. I'm sure that OP would not misunderstand his gf if she would show her more wild self in bed from now on. I'm just suggesting that he shouldn't push her so she doesn't feel that he would take her less seriously from now on out of a sudden. I'm sure that SD won't do this, but she may think so and that's what I'm trying to prevent. He should be gentle and careful, as he already is with good results.

[oldshirt]

. I'm just suggesting that he shouldn't push her so she doesn't feel that he would take her lessbecomem usly from now on out of a sudden. I'm sure that SD won't do this, but she may think so and that's what I'm trying to prevent. He should be gentle and careful, as he already is with good results.

 

This may seem like a play on words but it really isn't. SD isn't "pushing" her to be more sexual with him. He is becoming more sexually expressive and assertive himself and she is responding to that (and seems to be responding favorably I might add :-) )

 

In otherwords he isnt trying to change her behavior, he is changing his own behavior and she is reflecting that back on to him. That's a good sign.

[Iguanna]

She doesn't want gentle.

 

She does cause it will happen after the discovery of her wild side, it hasn't come naturally, and she may feel bad if he becomes too pushy all of a sudden after this discovery. It's better to take some time to have better results AND she won't feel bad.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure you have been following the OP that closely. She has also expressed her disappointment in him not being wild or passionate with her.

 

As long as he's not stabbing her, everything should be fine. She doesn't want him to beg, ask, or be gentle. If she did, she would be as passionate with him as she was with the man who treated her like ****. She wants him to be sexually aggressive.

 

I agree ^^^^^^^

 

 

But I also think I understand where Iguana is coming from as well.

 

I think what Iguana is saying is that one of women's deepest fears is of being judged slurry and of being treated as slurry by a current man based on her sexual history with previous men/man.

 

In otherwords what is bothering her is that SD1000 is bumping up his sexuality and treating her in a more sexual manner based her her sexual response to the OM instead of following his own sexual paradigms.

 

This is something men can't really grasp and have no frame of reference for but is something women feel very strongly about - women want men to just instinctively "know" what turns them on and just naturally do it. It is a major DLV for women when men try to calibrate or adjust their sexuality based on what they think the woman will like and especially if it is something based on her prior sexual history.

 

Women have strong desire for couples to just "click" and naturally and instinctively know and deliver what the other likes.

 

I don't want to speak for Iguana and she can correct me if I am wrong but I believe what is making her so uncomfortable with this is it appears to her that SD 1000 is changing his his sexual repertoire based on finding out about how she responded to OM.

 

To the female brain, him changing his sexual approach based on the OM' s dynamics with her is setting the GF up to potentially feel sultry and used at some point as well as being a big DLV for SD1000 since it kind of appears he is trying to reproduce the OM' s path of success rather than them just naturally clicking based on his own sexual style.

 

I am somewhat close to describing your concerns Iguana?

[Fluttershy]

I agree ^^^^^^^

 

 

But I also think I understand where Iguana is coming from as well.

 

I think what Iguana is saying is that one of women's deepest fears is of being judged slurry and of being treated as slurry by a current man based on her sexual history with previous men/man.

 

In otherwords what is bothering her is that SD1000 is bumping up his sexuality and treating her in a more sexual manner based her her sexual response to the OM instead of following his own sexual paradigms.

 

This is something men can't really grasp and have no frame of reference for but is something women feel very strongly about - women want men to just instinctively "know" what turns them on and just naturally do it. It is a major DLV for women when men try to calibrate or adjust their sexuality based on what they think the woman will like and especially if it is something based on her prior sexual history.

 

Women have strong desire for couples to just "click" and naturally and instinctively know and deliver what the other likes.

 

I don't want to speak for Iguana and she can correct me if I am wrong but I believe what is making her so uncomfortable with this is it appears to her that SD 1000 is changing his his sexual repertoire based on finding out about how she responded to OM.

 

To the female brain, him changing his sexual approach based on the OM' s dynamics with her is setting the GF up to potentially feel sultry and used at some point as well as being a big DLV for SD1000 since it kind of appears he is trying to reproduce the OM' s path of success rather than them just naturally clicking based on his own sexual style.

 

I am somewhat close to describing your concerns Iguana?

 

I couldn't disagree more as a woman and someone who has been involved in many sex talks. Men and women fear that the other person WANTS then to be amazing in bed the firsr time and therefore think the other person wants it to be instinctive. I don't doubt there are men and women who want perfection on demand. But prefrences and sexual fantasies are often something that ends up being discussed. IME it is the spoiled personalities that want someone to just know. The people who are in touch with reality and not brainwashed by fiction, media, porn or whatnot realize communication is the key.

 

Some like it hot, some like it cold, and some like ot nine days in a row.

[oldshirt]

I agree ^^^^^^^

 

 

But I also think I understand where Iguana is coming from as well.

 

I think what Iguana is saying is that one of women's deepest fears is of being judged slurry and of being treated as slurry by a current man based on her sexual history with previous men/man.

 

In otherwords what is bothering her is that SD1000 is bumping up his sexuality and treating her in a more sexual manner based her her sexual response to the OM instead of following his own sexual paradigms.

 

This is something men can't really grasp and have no frame of reference for but is something women feel very strongly about - women want men to just instinctively "know" what turns them on and just naturally do it. It is a major DLV for women when men try to calibrate or adjust their sexuality based on what they think the woman will like and especially if it is something based on her prior sexual history.

 

Women have strong desire for couples to just "click" and naturally and instinctively know and deliver what the other likes.

 

I don't want to speak for Iguana and she can correct me if I am wrong but I believe what is making her so uncomfortable with this is it appears to her that SD 1000 is changing his his sexual repertoire based on finding out about how she responded to OM.

 

To the female brain, him changing his sexual approach based on the OM' s dynamics with her is setting the GF up to potentially feel sultry and used at some point as well as being a big DLV for SD1000 since it kind of appears he is trying to reproduce the OM' s path of success rather than them just naturally clicking based on his own sexual style.

 

I am somewhat close to describing your concerns Iguana?

 

 

....Damn autocorrect! I meat slutty where is says slurry and sultry. It won't let me edit.