Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[SD1000]

This thread is not about love but sexual compatibility.

 

 

 

You're correct, but I should have also expounded that I also felt that she didn't have that strong passionate love for me as well. To me, passion for someone involves a strong feeling of being in love and wanting to express it and also has the component of sexual passion. They are not the same, but I really want both to improve in our relationship. Both are equally important to me and they are connected in some ways.

[SD1000]

What I see here is a relationship that was fine until he found some old texts. Then, in addition to the fact that the relationships overlapped in the beginning (which is understandably painful), he sees this side of her that he didn't know was there. And he wants that side too. Again, understandable. So work into it. Experiment. Lay the needs on the table. Go toy shopping. Order 9 1/2 weeks on netflix.

 

 

 

 

No, the relationship wasn't fine before I found the old texts. It was improving during the two months I found the texts, but there was still a sense of me knowing that I was missing something. I mentioned in an earlier post that last summer after we made love, I asked her what she thought of our sex life. When she answered that it was better than she expected, it affected my confidence. She still claims that she meant those to be good words, but it is hard for me to believe that.

 

 

She also says that her sexual text messages to him we not sincere and that she wrote those things because she felt that is what he needed to maintain interest. The difference after I saw the texts is that I know that she does know how to use sexually encouraging words. Last summer, she should have seen that I could also use those encouraging words. She says that the sex with me was better (as anyone would say), but even if that was true, I still feel some resentment that she could not use those strong encouraging words with me.

[SD1000]

OK one thing I've been wanting to address from the opening post but didn't want to detract from the rest of the dialog -

 

 

I simply do not and will not believe that this OM literally could not remember her name.

 

 

Someone along this chain of dialog is exaggerating or embellishing to make a point. It's not literal. If he came back for seconds and thirds etc and they were having txt exchanges etc, he knows her name.

 

 

We can assume that their relationship was based primarily on sexual chemistry but let's not take the whole name thing as literal fact.

 

 

 

He seemed to only remember her dating profile name of Rainbow. He was also involved with at least one other woman during that time. I reread the lost history of their texts, and I now notice some messages that she was a bit disappointed that he only seemed to care about sex.

[SD1000]

Maybe there's a middle ground that we can at least understand if an actual agreement can be reached.

 

 

Let's look at it in terms of value and priority.

 

 

 

 

Very interesting to think about. You really should put all your thoughts into a book and sell it. : )

[Lei Ping]

No, the relationship wasn't fine before I found the old texts. It was improving during the two months I found the texts, but there was still a sense of me knowing that I was missing something. I mentioned in an earlier post that last summer after we made love, I asked her what she thought of our sex life. When she answered that it was better than she expected, it affected my confidence. She still claims that she meant those to be good words, but it is hard for me to believe that.

 

 

She also says that her sexual text messages to him we not sincere and that she wrote those things because she felt that is what he needed to maintain interest. The difference after I saw the texts is that I know that she does know how to use sexually encouraging words. Last summer, she should have seen that I could also use those encouraging words. She says that the sex with me was better (as anyone would say), but even if that was true, I still feel some resentment that she could not use those strong encouraging words with me.

My Man, you will be walking around under the shadow of the Big Bamboo until this relationship is done. Let it go. There are donkeys and there are rabbits. Find one who likes rabbits and when you find her for Pete's sake stay the heck out of her cell phone.

[SD1000]

My point was that it sounds like the OP and his GF have BOTH been holding back, possibly for fear of what the other will think, possibly wondering if it's "okay."

 

 

 

Yes, that seems to be true. She told me that she held back because she didn't think that I wanted her very strongly and also because she didn't want me to think that she was a 'bad woman'.

 

 

I held back because I had lost confidence because she never expressed to me that she is attracted to me sexually and she didn't seem excited about our sex life. I also always felt that I loved her more strongly than she loved me before. This is also a key component and I can't feel confident with her unless I feel that she also loves me strongly like I love her.

[SD1000]

road,

 

I guess it's the harsh reality that through sex men feel special for a woman. I guess as oldshirt said I'm too romantic to accept this. In fact I find it kind of shallow but I guess that's the truth. But does this mean a woman is obliged to do wild things in sex just to keep a man? I don't know. QUOTE]

 

 

 

Iguanna, I never needed her to do "wild things in sex" before. Although our sex life was not what I hoped for and that I could not be my true confident self sexually, I still loved her very much and wanted to spend my life with her. After I found the texts, I still don't need her to be very wild, just to have sexual excitement for me and to express it to me. Love and close friendship with her are equally as important to me.

[peruano99]

Yes, that seems to be true. She told me that she held back because she didn't think that I wanted her very strongly and also because she didn't want me to think that she was a 'bad woman'.

 

 

I held back because I had lost confidence because she never expressed to me that she is attracted to me sexually and she didn't seem excited about our sex life. I also always felt that I loved her more strongly than she loved me before. This is also a key component and I can't feel confident with her unless I feel that she also loves me strongly like I love her.

 

 

 

Well now don't hold back and please each other. I don't see the problem in which two people who love each other, can't have really passionate sex without holding back.

 

How can she think she is a bad woman for wanting to please her partner?

 

 

Look man, I think you need totell your wife what you want to happen during sex wether she needs to be more aggressive, passionate, etc. Be talkative because it will make her feel like you know what you want.

Edited February 23, 2014 by peruano99

[Iguanna]

Yes, that seems to be true. She told me that she held back because she didn't think that I wanted her very strongly and also because she didn't want me to think that she was a 'bad woman'.

 

What I was saying is the matter from the start. She has the need for you to see her as a serious, marriage material woman. She doesn't know that your opinion about her will not change if she shows you a wilder side. You have to tell her and confirm to her that this won't happen. Only when she feels secure about this will she open herself sexually. Still, this doesn't mean automatically that she will do everything she did with the old man and/or everything you expect her to do. That's for her to decide and she has her reasons whatsoever.

[Iguanna]

How can she think she is a bad woman for wanting to please her partner?.

 

Cause there is a common mentality from men's part that when a woman is very expressing and confident and open sexually, she has slept with many men = she is a slut. I know many men will deny they think this, but sometimes it's better to be safe than sorry.

[HomanWater]

I'm just trying to share the perspective the OP probably has and the way he feels.

 

He shouldn't give up now, I agree. It seems both he and his wife are disappointed in their sex life because neither is showing that much passion for each other.

 

He should give it a chance.

 

Actually, wrong.

 

He shouldn't do anything just because some people on forum tell him to. It's his life and his decision. And if he thinks suggested decision won't make him happy, he's allowed to make it regardless of other say. Such jabs or judgements like:

 

But to toss an entire relationship away because you can't be Christian Grey RIGHT NOW?

 

That is not what a grownup does OR advises.

 

Are therefore completely irrelevant and not needed.

 

If OP thought breaking up is worth it, he should go for it. If OP thought staying is worth it, same. Whether random internet person thinks it is immature to leave or stay has ZERO relevance to it.

 

I'd advise to keep personal judgements about someone's maturity to yourself and post sth actually constructive.

[road]

road,

 

We have already accepted (and so has the OP) that this 4 months thing she had with the old man was not an affair cause they had just started dating, so we are not talking about a BH here, rather than a bf who happened to find out some of the past sexual acts of his gf an he is not even sure that she enjoyed it, regardless what the messages were saying. The facts are that shehe chose OP rather than the old man and she chose to love him and be in a serious relationship with him. Whether she settled or whether she will become wilder in the future or not, we don't know. The fact is that she has the choice to not do the same things she did in her past with her bf, for whatever valid or stupid reasons she has.

 

Moonie,

 

I can't argue about what a man wants from a relationship. I'm sure you know better, being a man. I guess it's the harsh reality that through sex men feel special for a woman. I guess as oldshirt said I'm too romantic to accept this. In fact I find it kind of shallow but I guess that's the truth. But does this mean a woman is obliged to do wild things in sex just to keep a man? I don't know. Everyone has their own limits and everyone makes their own compromises. It's all about what you get and what you give. We are all more or less settling. I'm not scared to settle cause there is no perfect relationship. So I guess I'll try to settle for things that are less important for me, isn't it logical? If my husband thinks that he can't settle for what he considers important, then I'll deal with it.

 

 

 

Betrayed boy friend. Well BH is easier to type.

 

 

And in the end she cheated on him.

 

 

No guy wants to have a GF bang another guy while she is dating himself.

 

 

That is the point. Another man was riding his bicycle.

[road]

From the text messages, I can see that they had sex a total of four times during the first summer. Once in May and three times in July. In mid July, she sent him a message that the relationship is not what she is looking for. His reply was "Ok, no problem". However, on July 21 they started meeting again three more times. They did not contact again from early August until mid September. In mid September, he sent her a message that said he misses her. She replied to him that while he is attractive, this is not the kind of relationship she wants. After that, there are no messages between the two until five months later when he contacted her and said that he misses her. She did not reply.

 

 

Also as a reminder, I am not a BH because we are not married. During that summer 2012, we were apart for four months. Before those four months, we had only spent 12 days together before I had to leave for four months.

 

 

She told me last night that she was dishonest with me because she was selfish and didn't want to lose the opportunity with me. However, she had been cheated before and wasn't sure that she could trust me until we spent more time together later.

 

 

 

Because she got cheated on before it was ok for her to cheat?

[road]

Cause there is a common mentality from men's part that when a woman is very expressing and confident and open sexually, she has slept with many men = she is a slut. I know many men will deny they think this, but sometimes it's better to be safe than sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

No being confident and open does not equal slut.

 

 

Being confident and open with half the town does equal.

[janedoe67]

No being confident and open does not equal slut.

 

 

Being confident and open with half the town does equal.

 

You need to get a grip

 

They had known each other 12DAYS. Even the OP says it was not an A

 

And a 57 year old man is NOT half the town.

 

THIS is why I agree that some men NEED to divorce after an A...for everyone's sake (including the child they want to disown)

[Buckeye2]

She has the need for you to see her as a serious, marriage material woman. She doesn't know that your opinion about her will not change if she shows you a wilder side. You have to tell her and confirm to her that this won't happen.

 

 

Sigmund Freud first identified the Madonna–wh*re complex. This psychological complex develops in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Freud wrote: "Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love."

 

 

A variation of this is a woman who wants her life partner to see her as respectable. By having an affair she is already a bad girl by definition. That’s the way the OM sees her and that is the way she sees herself in the affair environment. She is free to be wild.

 

 

The following thread by Mattzeo is a classic example of this. Just read the posts by the OP (mattzeo).

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/349853-my-wife-had-long-term-affair

[janedoe67]

It is a very interesting psychological study. However, that does not mean is HAS to be that way.

[Buckeye2]

I guess it's the harsh reality that through sex men feel special for a woman. I guess as oldshirt said I'm too romantic to accept this. In fact I find it kind of shallow but I guess that's the truth.

 

I think it’s romantic when a man feels special because the woman he loves only gives her body to him.

 

There is also a very primitive reason for this. In order to be biologically successful, you have to pass on your genes. Women know that their children are biologically theirs, men don’t. A woman’s primary concern was to have a man around to help her children survive. A man’s primary concern was to insure that her children were also his. In other words, a woman wanted a good relationship with her mate to keep him around. A man wanted a good relationship so that he wouldn’t be raising another man’s child.

 

The mother of your children should be very special to you. The mother of children that may or may not be yours, not so much.

 

But does this mean a woman is obliged to do wild things in sex just to keep a man?

 

Not at all, but the OM shouldn’t get better sex than the man she intends to spend the rest of her life with.

 

 

oldshirt, your posts were fantastic.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Buckeye2

[SD1000]

Because she got cheated on before it was ok for her to cheat?

 

 

 

No, not ok. However because she had been cheated on and lied to previously from previous dating experiences, she says that she didn't want to make the same mistake by trusting me too early. However, now she acknowledges that she was wrong and unfair to me.

 

 

Her first date with the OM in April 2012 was the night before our first afternoon date. That bothers me a lot sometimes because we had planned our date for two weeks and I was very excited to see her again. Before that I saw her three times as friends a few months earlier and I already liked her a lot.

 

 

After I left in January, I was scheduled to return this coming week. However, because of what happened, my return plans were changed to April to give me time to think about everything and to see how she handles our relationship. Because it involves a university research project, the timing of my return could be pushed back, but it is not so flexible that I could choose any date.

[SD1000]

You need to get a grip

 

They had known each other 12DAYS. Even the OP says it was not an A

 

And a 57 year old man is NOT half the town.

 

THIS is why I agree that some men NEED to divorce after an A...for everyone's sake (including the child they want to disown)

 

 

 

Her relationship with him began the evening before our first romantic date. As I was only visiting her city at that time, we had intended to spend a lot of time together during my 12 days in her city. One week later after spending every day together, we slept together three times. Therefore, yes, while I agree that it was still very early in our relationship and I would then be away for four months, it still has been difficult for me to accept this.

[SD1000]

He shouldn't do anything just because some people on forum tell him to. It's his life and his decision. And if he thinks suggested decision won't make him happy, he's allowed to make it regardless of other say. Such jabs or judgements like:

 

 

 

 

I understand that the decisions of what do to are mine. I do appreciate other people's perspectives and advising me what they think I should do. I'm here because I needed their perspective.

[janedoe67]

Her relationship with him began the evening before our first romantic date. As I was only visiting her city at that time, we had intended to spend a lot of time together during my 12 days in her city. One week later after spending every day together, we slept together three times. Therefore, yes, while I agree that it was still very early in our relationship and I would then be away for four months, it still has been difficult for me to accept this.

 

This is completely understandable. It makes that it would be VERY hard to deal with and painful. My post was more about how UNhelpful cookie cutter projecting is.

[Iguanna]

the OM shouldn’t get better sex than the man she intends to spend the rest of her life with.

 

First of all and again, the old man we are talking about was not an OM, he was just someone she had sex with at the same days she had a date with the OP. This was not an affair, this was only sex. Second of all, are you or me in the position to DECIDE this about the OP's gf? What she should or shouldn't do in her sex life with her bf? Is any person in the earth allowed to demand from her to do this or that or not do this or that in her sex life with anyone? Can't you get that a woman has many reasons to maybe withhold some sexual acts from a man she intends to marry in order for him to take her seriously? (I'm not making this up, the OP's gf has ADMITTED this to her bf). What is better sex anyway? Wilder? More passionate? More open? Whatever it is, she has the right to give or not give these things. It's up to her and up to how the OP handles the situation.

[Buckeye2]

First of all and again, the old man we are talking about was not an OM

 

You asked a general question about a woman, not the OP. “But does this mean a woman is obliged to do wild things in sex just to keep a man?”

 

I should not have used the term OM in my answer. I should have answered: Not at all, but the man a woman intends to spend the rest of her life with should get the best sex. Better or at least as good as some random guy.

 

What is better sex anyway? Wilder? More passionate? More open?

 

Example: A woman does X with a random guy. If her soul mate likes X, she should do it with him too.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Buckeye2

[road]

First of all and again, the old man we are talking about was not an OM, he was just someone she had sex with at the same days she had a date with the OP. This was not an affair, this was only sex.

 

 

What is better sex anyway? Wilder? More passionate? More open? Whatever it is, she has the right to give or not give these things. It's up to her and up to how the OP handles the situation.

 

 

 

Technically there was no OM, no affair. Though men do not like or want the girl they are beginning to date to be seeing another guy. Let alone his new GF banging other guys.

 

 

We are territorial. Very. There is no guy that wants to have follow up date another man's date with his GF. No guy wants a great afternoon date to end. He will try to keep it going through the evening. There is no guy that would date a girl knowing that soon as he dropped her off another guy would be picking her up. That sends the message that she is not all that interested in you.

 

 

It shows that she is a player. Or was one back then.

 

 

As to not have to give her BH what she gave her OM. That is correct. She can keep her BH receiving 2nd rate. Her BH does not have to accept 2nd rate either.

Edited February 23, 2014 by road