Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[Iguanna]

Example: A woman does X with a random guy. If her soul mate likes X, she should do it with him too.

 

As to not have to give her BH what she gave her OM. That is correct. She can keep her BH receiving 2nd rate. Her BH does not have to accept 2nd rate either.

 

Why are you using the term second rate or leftovers? Can't it be that this woman didn't even like what she did with the old man and she doesn't want to repeat it? Can all men know all the past sexual acts of their gf/wife and then demand they have the same treatment as well?

Edited February 24, 2014 by Iguanna

[road]

Why are you using the term second rate or leftovers? Can't it be that this woman didn't even like what she did with the old man and she doesn't want to repeat it? Can all men know all the past sexual acts of their gf/wife and then demand they have the same treatment as well?

 

 

 

Does not matter if the WW did not like it. It appears that she did because she kept on doing it with the OM after the BH came back.

 

 

Her actions say's she liked it. The BH can not ignore that truth.

 

 

Yes men can know if their GF, wife tells them or they ask them. Though usually that would be foolish.

 

 

Demand is a harsh word. To expect, desire, want, what the OM got is normal. For a WW to withhold those things is saying the OM was more special then the BH to her. That the OM knew how to get the most out of her. Which implies that the BH has inferior skills and or equipment.

 

 

She did not end the relationship with the OM before she started with the BH. So she can not claim she was younger and dumb and wilder because she did not know better and was immature. That she does not want to talk about past lovers that where before him. The stories as the OM are in the past and are never coming back so they are a non issue.

 

 

She chose to play with two guys at the same time. Play with fire you risk getting burned.

 

 

 

 

There are guy's that just to say when they go back to work on Monday morning I got laid Saturday night. So they will hang in a bar till closing. Make a move on girl that has not gotten anywhere for ages if ever. Because she is so fat, ugly, or so fat and ugly. They tell how they get lucky on Monday morning. How the girl gives them their number and says call me as he gets up and leaves the next morning. The guy then tells his friends how he threw the paper away before he got into his car. Then with a shudder I can't believe I woke up with such an ugly girl. I must of been really drunk. Simply put they used a woman to masturbate.

 

 

Then there is the men as the guy in the movie Crazy Stupid Love. The stud that gets a different hot girl to go home with him every night in a matter of minutes. The 10's use him and he uses them. He befriends and tries to elevate a BH's game.

 

 

For many men, they see the first guy as a loser praying on a women that are very lonely. They wish they could attract a girl as easy as the stud. Though once they got one they would be happy and keep her. They are happy that they got a 7. They can't believe their luck. They have no delusions or need to try and trade up.

 

 

You see most men want a relationship. This is why they date one woman at a time. They see a woman they put all there efforts into courting just her.

 

 

This BH falls into the many men group. She was woman enough to make him forget all before her and no way he felt that he could do better.

 

 

He committed himself fully to winning her. For her to be doing the OM at the same time hurts him. Then to find out his sex with the WW is less in what was done and intensity hurts also.

 

 

This BH needs to know that the sex now is better so his WW never strays again. He is measuring better by him getting the same as the OM and his WW responding the same for him now.

 

 

We are dealing with emotions and the need to feel secure and repair BH's self esteem.

[reggie500]

My general point of view is that there is no perfect relationship. Of course I'd love to have the great guy with a million skills in everything, who will be a great husband, lover, friend, father, everything. But this is not going to happen, not because I lack something, but because there is no such person, we all have our flaws. So if I had to sacrifice something, it would definitely be the sex life. I can compromise in that department cause I'm satisfied from it from my years till now. What I could never find was a good person who will truly love me, without any hidden things behind that, and that's one thing I can't negotiate. Sex matters, but not so much as what I mentioned above.

 

Any man worth his salt who figured out that you felt this way about him (that you sacrificed your sexual satisfaction) would leave you.

[Iguanna]

Any man worth his salt who figured out that you felt this way about him (that you sacrificed your sexual satisfaction) would leave you.

 

This would mean he wouldn't know me at all and that he wouldn't be that good as I had thought, so I wouldn't mind him leaving.

[reggie500]

This would mean he wouldn't know me at all and that he wouldn't be that good as I had thought, so I wouldn't mind him leaving.

 

I would think that you would want to clarify those issues before getting married. Perhaps you can tell your future husband that he is not the most sexually capable man you've ever been with. You are taking a serious risk otherwise. If you take my advice, let me know how it works out....

[bigman1]

I would not want a woman to be with me and fantasize about someone else every time we had sex. I would not want a sexually unsatisfied partner. I would want a woman to tell me what she wanted. Sure, some past partner may have been into standing sex, but I am not. If that is her go to position, then tell me and we can do that, every now and then and make it special. Sexual techniques can be learned and perfected and I love to practice.

 

If I am not as good as the other guys she better damn well teach me. Of course, I also would not have gone for a very experienced woman as wife material unless it was long term relationship type experience. Sex worthy, sure, I'd take a turn like everyone else. I would also drop her like a hot potato if she made me work for what she gave away to everybody else. If she did not like doing certain things, fine, I'm not going to push it or ask anymore. But, if she liked it and then told me that I could not have any, good bye. I gotta put a ring on it and pay the freight, not gonna happen.

[peruano99]

Cause there is a common mentality from men's part that when a woman is very expressing and confident and open sexually, she has slept with many men = she is a slut. I know many men will deny they think this, but sometimes it's better to be safe than sorry.

 

I don't think like that.

[peruano99]

No, the relationship wasn't fine before I found the old texts. It was improving during the two months I found the texts, but there was still a sense of me knowing that I was missing something. I mentioned in an earlier post that last summer after we made love, I asked her what she thought of our sex life. When she answered that it was better than she expected, it affected my confidence. She still claims that she meant those to be good words, but it is hard for me to believe that.

 

 

She also says that her sexual text messages to him we not sincere and that she wrote those things because she felt that is what he needed to maintain interest. The difference after I saw the texts is that I know that she does know how to use sexually encouraging words. Last summer, she should have seen that I could also use those encouraging words. She says that the sex with me was better (as anyone would say), but even if that was true, I still feel some resentment that she could not use those strong encouraging words with me.

 

 

Okay man you need to make a choice on staying with her or leaving her and finding peace within yourself. You can'st feel this bad for yourself if you stay with her.

[Arvin_Solheim]

I have been in a relation with a woman that I loved very much for nearly two years. This past new year's eve, we officially got engaged and I was very happy. When we first met in April 2012, we spent a couple of weeks together, then I had to leave for four months and we continued long distance.

 

 

After getting engaged, I saw an old text message on her phone. She did not remember it was still there because she had given me her phone to use for a day. In the text messages, I learned that she was also involved with a much older man (age 57 and 17 years older than her) during those first four months. She actually met him a couple of weeks before she met me and he happened to be away on business when I was with her. After those first four months, she has been loyal to me.

 

 

I could forgive her for those first four months because we were apart and had not known each other very long. However the problem that I don't think I can get over is that she was a very different person with him. I discovered through text messages that he was a man who was sexually aggressive and just helped himself without caring about what she wanted. After their 2nd dinner and first sexual encounter, he did not remember her name, but mentioned that he hoped he was not "too big" for her.

 

 

Her replies showed her attraction by telling him that he is a very big man, he is very manly, and that she very much enjoyed making love with him. He even told her that he was not ready for a long-term relationship in the middle of their relationship, but she kept going back to see him. After two months of sex, he still did not remember her name. However, that experience seems to be the best sex of her life.

 

 

Unfortunately, I had never seen that side of her with me. She tells me that those words to him were not meaningful and that she never said such words to me because I was more honorable and a gentleman. I always cared about making sex pleasurable for her and trying to learn how to make her satisfied. However, even though I am her age, in good shape, and love her, I doubt if I can get passed this and ever enjoy making love again with her because it seems like she enjoyed sex much more with this man. And yes, I'll say it, it seems like he was very well endowed. I am exactly average in that area, even though I am taller and bigger than him. She told me that sex was uncomfortable with this man, but her replies to him back then indicate to me that she did enjoy it very much.

 

 

Am I over reacting and is this something that people can get passed? I would like input from both men and women.

 

It's really bad that you read those texts; it's a terrible thing to know that your girlfriend even said this to one of her exes, especially if the texts make you feel belittled in front of someone you had never seen. I somehow wish you hadn't told her because there is a risk when you tell a woman that you know her secret and you still hang around(it might have bad consequences of her not respecting you anymore if she doesn't have a mature personality)

well I might sound like a total arse saying this....but the first few months of almost every relationship is like that; people usually don't put all their eggs in one basket, I understand that I'd be pissed off in your shoes but I can also relate; sometimes you don't know which of the people you're seeing is a decent loving person to keep in long term....I know people will attack me now for this post but I believe that you can let this go.

[peruano99]

If he is constantly going to be stressed out whenever he is with her, then he needs to let her go because it will only damage their relationship and his mental state even more.

[janedoe67]

If he is constantly going to be stressed out whenever he is with her, then he needs to let her go because it will only damage their relationship and his mental state even more.

 

This is actually excellent advice and applies to a whole myriad of situations. ANY relationship that is going to have am indefinite cloud f the past over it is a relationship that should be ended.

[SD1000]

Okay man you need to make a choice on staying with her or leaving her and finding peace within yourself. You can'st feel this bad for yourself if you stay with her.

 

 

 

I agree. That's why I am taking my time before we see each other again. I need to find peace with everything and also pay attention to her attitude regarding how she feels about me now.

[SD1000]

It's really bad that you read those texts; it's a terrible thing to know that your girlfriend even said this to one of her exes, especially if the texts make you feel belittled in front of someone you had never seen. I somehow wish you hadn't told her because there is a risk when you tell a woman that you know her secret and you still hang around(it might have bad consequences of her not respecting you anymore if she doesn't have a mature personality)

well I might sound like a total arse saying this....but the first few months of almost every relationship is like that; people usually don't put all their eggs in one basket, I understand that I'd be pissed off in your shoes but I can also relate; sometimes you don't know which of the people you're seeing is a decent loving person to keep in long term....I know people will attack me now for this post but I believe that you can let this go.

 

 

 

I appreciate your post. I do keep in mind that it happened early in our relationship and that is the only reason that I still think that this has a chance to be worked out. The most important thing is how she feels about me now. I am trying to determine that.

[peruano99]

I agree. That's why I am taking my time before we see each other again. I need to find peace with everything and also pay attention to her attitude regarding how she feels about me now.

 

Okay so you two had an amicable split to think about thinks ?

[SD1000]

Okay so you two had an amicable split to think about thinks ?

 

 

 

Before all this happened in early-mid January, we were already going to be apart for six or seven weeks. Being apart now was not caused by our problems. However, our time apart has been extended to give me more time to think and to also have a better idea about her thinking.

[peruano99]

Think about if you can handle her past sex life, because if you can't, you won't be happy and it will probably ruin your relationship. You also have to realize that if you said she didn't cheat on you, her past sex life is her business. Not every partner has the same sex with different people. What one boyfriend might like might be totally different than what another boyfriend might like. Good luck and think about your choice.

[Kate9292]

It would be unfair to break up with her over sth she did so early on in a relationship if even in a relationship yet.

 

Also every relationship is different. Just because she was like that with him, doesn't mean she has to be like that with you, and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or care for you. In fact what she says suggests she loves you very much, it would be silly to lose sth great over some insecurity over her past.

[JS84]

. I mentioned in an earlier post that last summer after we made love, I asked her what she thought of our sex life. When she answered that it was better than she expected, it affected my confidence. She still claims that she meant those to be good words, but it is hard for me to believe that.

 

 

 

 

......woooooow.....

 

 

Not exactly a ringing endorsement. I wouldn't believe it either.

[peruano99]

At the end of the day, it will be your decision, just think it over for the sake of the relationship between you and this girl. If you feel you can't forget her past, then let her go.

[Buckeye2]

She told me that she held back because she didn't want me to think that she was a 'bad woman'. I held back because I had lost confidence because she never expressed to me that she is attracted to me sexually and she didn't seem excited about our sex life.

 

I mentioned in an earlier post that last summer after we made love, I asked her what she thought of our sex life. When she answered that it was better than she expected, it affected my confidence. She still claims that she meant those to be good words, but it is hard for me to believe that.

 

OP, you are in the respectable marriage material file in her brain. That's why she still wants to see you. The other guy in the bad boy file. His disrespect makes her hot and it feels right because he’s bad. It would be akward to do the same with you and it wouldn’t feel right.

 

You’re too nice and would make a good husband. He would make a terrible husband and she feels like such a bad girl when she is with him.

 

Your relationship is so new that if you are having this much trouble already, it would be better for both of you just to move on.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Buckeye2

[SD1000]

It would be unfair to break up with her over sth she did so early on in a relationship if even in a relationship yet.

 

Also every relationship is different. Just because she was like that with him, doesn't mean she has to be like that with you, and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or care for you. In fact what she says suggests she loves you very much, it would be silly to lose sth great over some insecurity over her past.

 

 

 

Yes, I already believe that she loves me in a warm way and sees me as someone who is caring, warm, and gentle. However, I also need her or any future wife to love me strongly and passionately. I think that most men also have this need.

 

 

Last month aside from what happened during our first four months of a mostly long distance relationship, I also learned that she had a close, caring friendship with another man who lives overseas. She met him in person two times (once two years before I knew her and once one year before I knew her. For the past year, he knew about me and wished her luck with me but continued to call her a pet name through text messages - maybe once every two months.

 

 

However last Fall, I asked her if she maintained contact with any male friends that I don't know about. (I never minded about the few males friends that I knew about). She did not mention this guy to me at that time. She said it was because she didn't want me to worry about him.

 

 

I can let that go because I also have been in that situation. However, now I think that it is her turn to show me how important I am to her and to show me that she loves me strongly. During the past week I have kept some distance between us with no more phone calls. Therefore now is the time to see how she feels when she sees more and more that she might lose me. During this time, I have only showed her that I am doing better now and becoming a strong, confident man (like I used to be).

 

 

I agree that the only thing that really matters is how she feels about me now and in the future.

[SD1000]

You’re too nice and would make a good husband. He would make a terrible husband and she feels like such a bad girl when she is with him.

 

Your relationship is so new that if you are having this much trouble already, it would be better for both of you just to move on.

 

 

 

Because I love her much, invested a lot of time with her, and she has been faithful after we confirmed our relationship 1 1/2 years ago, and both of our families are expecting us to get married, throwing in the towel without giving this more time doesn't seem to be the right thing to do yet. I have time to see how this plays out and I will eventually have a more clear answer for myself. In the meantime, I will be strong and not accept anything less than what I need.

[peruano99]

Because I love her much, invested a lot of time with her, and she has been faithful after we confirmed our relationship 1 1/2 years ago, and both of our families are expecting us to get married, throwing in the towel without giving this more time doesn't seem to be the right thing to do yet. I have time to see how this plays out and I will eventually have a more clear answer for myself. In the meantime, I will be strong and not accept anything less than what I need.

 

What matters is your happiness , NOT what people around you want, but what YOU want. If you can't be happy and this woman can not be the person in bed you'd like, you will not be truly happy.

[oldshirt]

yes, i already believe that she loves me in a warm way and sees me as someone who is caring, warm, and gentle. However, i also need her or any future wife to love me strongly and passionately.

 

 

That is reasonable. My aunt beula loves me and thinks i am warm and caring and gentle but that is not the kind of love i want from my special someone. Wanting someone to love you in an intimate, passionate way is a legit "price of admission."

 

 

 

 

 

 

however last fall, i asked her if she maintained contact with any male friends that i don't know about. . She did not mention this guy to me at that time. She said it was because she didn't want me to worry about him.

 

 

 

 

Translation = there is some romantic/sexual interest there but since he is long distance she is keeping him on the backburner as a back up.

 

 

The reason she doesn't want you to know about it and doesn't want you to "worry" is because there will be something to be upset about if they have contact. If there wasn't anything to worry about, she wouldn't be worried about you worrying.

 

 

I can let that go because i also have been in that situation.

 

 

 

 

We've all been in that situation and so we all know that there really is a little of a red flag there. She is now starting to show a pattern of keeping various men in a holding pattern while she's trying others on for size. This isn't necessarily a deal breaker if her behavior is otherwise appropriate but how much time and energy do you want her to spend grooming and maintaining back up plans while you are involved with her?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, now i think that it is her turn to show me how important i am to her and to show me that she loves me strongly.

 

 

A question for you - what will it take for her to show you that she loves you strongly? What sign are you looking for that will give you the indication you need one way or the other? (not a rhetorical question, i want your actual answer)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

during the past week i have kept some distance between us with no more phone calls. Therefore now is the time to see how she feels when she sees more and more that she might lose me. During this time, i have only showed her that i am doing better now and becoming a strong, confident man (like i used to be).

 

 

 

 

Be careful with this. Women are different than men and have a different threshold. A little insecurity may make her wake up and step up to the plate with a little more effort and not get lazy and neglectfull. But one tiny bit too much and she'll chalk it up to your no longer invested and she'll move on.

 

 

One of the burdens of being a male is that we must walk a very fine line. If we come on too strong we are "aggressive" or "domineering" or "controlling" etc but if we are too aloof or too detached we are just plain out of the running. Mother nature wants men to be the proactive ones and the pursuers and women instinctively quickly lose interest in men they do not feel are invested in them.

 

 

Being a bit aloof may draw a woman and may make her jay-jay tingle in the very early stages of attraction in the opening days of a relationship. Taken too far it can really blow up an established relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

Some times it helps to better understand how a woman acts when she's not into you in the first place. If a woman is not into you in the first place, she doesn't follow you into your world and doesn't really respond sexually to you 'at all'.

 

 

A woman who only wants you for your companionship and support and comfort, may have sex with you but it is typically once a month or so which is called "duty sex" and that typically corresponds to ovulation when her body is telling her to have sex. Duty sex is typically also characterized by her being very passive and moreless just laying there allowing you to masturbate with her body.

 

 

If she is sexually responsive to you the majority of the time you initiate and occurs at any or all times of the month and she appears engaged in the moment and is participating in the act, then she's likely good to go. If she's receptive and engaged but is somewhat lackluster in permormance, then she is just likely more of a poor performer or you two are just not all that sexually compatible as opposed to her not being sexually attracted to you.

 

I agree that the only thing that really matters is how she feels about me now and in the future.

 

 

Is what matters to you really how she "feels" about you or how she engages and performs with you? Remember your aunt beula loves you and thinks you are the nicest boy on the block, but is that what you want in a special someone?

 

 

Her feelings may be warm and sincere here, but that doesn't mean that the chemistry and energy level and her performance level are quite up to what you want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ten characters

[SD1000]

ten characters

 

 

 

Thanks. You, as usual, brought up some good questions.

 

 

This isn't necessarily a deal breaker if her behavior is otherwise appropriate but how much time and energy do you want her to spend grooming and maintaining back up plans while you are involved with her?

 

It is pretty clear to me that she has not been grooming back up plans since we decided to try to move forward in September 2012. The guy she maintained contact with had become more like a close personal friend that she met two years before me. They haven't seen each other for over 2 1/2 years and part of the reason for the continued friendship was that they both work for the same global company, albeit in different continents.

 

 

Another reason why I believe this is because the aggressive business man that she dated during our first four months (again we were in a long distance relationship after the first two weeks for any new person reading this post) sent her a text in January 2013 for the first time in five months, mentioning that he misses her. A few weeks later, he sent a final text that she must be too busy to reply to him (meaning that she didn't reply to his message in January).

 

 

what will it take for her to show you that she loves you strongly? What sign are you looking for that will give you the indication you need one way or the other? (not a rhetorical question, i want your actual answer)

 

This is a tough question and I guess that my answer will continue to evolve over time. At this time, I want to see that she is determined to resolve our problems. This includes being patient to understand my thinking and to not become defensive when I question or disagree with what she tells me. She has told me several times, that she is here to talk with me about this anytime I need to. However, aside from a few sincere talks, she tends to become defensive when I question what she tells me.

 

 

Last night she sent me 3 messages yesterday and last night. I will include them here to give a clearer picture.

 

 

From her yesterday afternoon: I love you so truly and deeply, giving you all my heart, put you need as my priority. I 100% accept you and love you completely and unconditionally, but you are still not happy with me and told me it is not the love you want. Could you understand a bit of my feeling?

From her last night at 9 pm: Dear, sorry I need to give you more understanding and time to think over everything. Please remember I love you truly and want to support you to be happy and confident very soon.

From her late last night at 1 am: I want you to know anytime you want to talk to me is ok. I sincerely want to resolve any problem between us. If we truly love each other, both of us need to be more brave, positive, and patient. I truly want you to be my only lover and lifetime partner.

 

 

The messages provide hope, but she needs to back up these words with actions. I have reminded her that when I sometimes question what she tells me or when I ask a difficult question, I am not trying to attack her.

 

 

One of the burdens of being a male is that we must walk a very fine line. If we come on too strong we are "aggressive" or "domineering" or "controlling" etc but if we are too aloof or too detached we are just plain out of the running.

 

Yes, I am trying to walk the fine line of showing strength vs. being too distant. I want her to know that this is a big issue for me, but not so great that I can never get over it.

 

 

Is what matters to you really how she "feels" about you or how she engages and performs with you? Remember your aunt beula loves you and thinks you are the nicest boy on the block, but is that what you want in a special someone?

 

Her feelings may be warm and sincere here, but that doesn't mean that the chemistry and energy level and her performance level are quite up to what you want.

 

 

I guess both how she feels about me and how she engages with me are equally very important to me. During this period, it is difficult to make progress on figuring out the sexual chemistry issue. My first step is to figure out the emotional passion. Emotional passion and sexual passion are not the same, but I think that they are related and one tends to affect the other.