Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[xAkulax]

IMO, you can't truly assert that you are the dominant partner in any relationship unless you're able to bring your wife into orgasm with your penis alone. You're always going to be in a lower position if she's not climaxing during vaginal intercourse.

 

The guys I personally know that are rumored to be well-endowed or good at sex continue to have sex with their former girlfriends even after they breakup. That tells you something about how addictive good sex and orgasms are. Personally, the best, most stable, and genuinely loving relationship I had was with a girl that came most of the time we had sex. We didn't match on so many superficial BS things like politics or dress style, but everything else was just SO chill. She forgave so much BS from me and I wish I was mature enough at the time to realize that what I had (not just the sex being good; there were so many things I took for granted piled on to it) was love.

 

When a woman truly loves you, you KNOW she loves your sex and you don't have to post about it on internet message boards asking strangers what you should do.

 

 

 

Wow what can I say you have a good point. Are you sex therapist by any chances

[SD1000]

There are more than a few similarities to a situation I had to deal with in the beginning of my marriage....and some differences. But close enough that I feel your pain.

 

Some things for you to consider - random thoughts:

 

1) You leave her and go find another woman to marry. How many lovers would that women have had, how many would have been hung more, or she enjoyed the sex more. Crap shoot right ? chances are if some other women (at your age) decides to marry you or love you - are you going "the best?" in every little (or ahem big) area> . Probably not dude, sucks, but unless you find a 40 year old virgin, or some one who was married for 25 years to a horrible lover, you going to have to face there may have been some really nice sex with others - maybe a thing or two another guy had or did which was memorable or unique to that man.

 

2) tougher question I have delt with ...is not me being "her best"... but if my wife is giving me her best. Its a subtle distinction . You bring up oral, she was happy (or tolerated it or was just ok) to give him oral, but not you, because he demand it, were YOU were maybe NOT not demanding it or expressing it was important to you? Is there a lesson here for you? Maybe its not about her wanting to do it - but being the type of man that strongly lets a gal know it is something you want very early in the relationship and letting than woman decide if she will do it. Maybe you own this one issue here....Maybe not. If you got real sexual needs (oral is kind of important to many) then maybe you need to focus on expressing your needs clearly going forward - IF - it is very important to you - and you are not just pushing because OM got her to do it. Has she never ever given you oral at all? Perhaps if your going to discuss this at all with her - I would change it to something that's not about you or about OM comparisons....but about her... as in... "I am disappointed, I not getting your best passion" and leave it at that.

 

3) You have 3-4 previous women lovers. So how where each of these women compared to your wife - their weight, boob size, hair, face, eyes, vagina, butt, sexual enthusiasms for you. Were they better in some ways than your wife? Was some or parts of them and the sex better than with her? Ever think about them? hmmmm....maybe your wife falls short in a few areas if you really think about it? Beyond sex, what about "wife qualities" of your past lovers - compared to your current gal was the best sexual parts the same as best partner for you?. Maybe not.... just saying you got a past too, do you really compare them this way - or only when I asked you too. When I started to do this - I realized a couple of things - I could decide that a few of my past women where absolutely better in some parts or sex acts, but I never really focused on this or let it diminish what i enjoyed with my wife so why would I think my wife would feel differently with me? Ya sure maybe some nice memory pops up in your head every now and then but if you like the sex in general then its not an issue really. Also I had to consider perhaps (at least with one old lover I had) that I may have been one of her best lovers - I remember the look in her eye, the words of praise, the craziness she had with me.....so regardless of what any ONE woman says - even my current wife - I feel reasonably confident I am a very good lover - in shape (for my age), attentive, creative. So OP - what do YOU think about your sexual nature ? Focus on what you think, and what you are and can be as a lover.

 

4) While it sound like she did enjoy the sex, and perhaps was more passionate with him, the texts also sound like he was just a tool to her, she basically got some sex, and was sexual in words, but what I sense other wise (reading tone in the text) was "thanks for the dick - but - meh - don't want to get serious with you, not really someone I would commit too or even just want to hang on to more than a few months...I am moving on" .....So what do you think (old big dick) guy felt about that??? - guess he did NOT have have the "full package" needed to make her choose him for any real commitment. Maybe he is on some other relationship board talking about "hey I got a big dick, but my young lover still dumped me, what don't I have? am I too old? not good man?, a jerk? what did that other guy have that she choose him?" Or maybe that OM just shrugged his shoulders and kept his confidence and not let one gal make him feel less about himself.

 

5) There is also a mindset that you need to perhaps consider a bit, are you the type of man you wife would have an affair with? Are you expressing confidence as a man, lover ? or are you descending further in to beta ville by discussing how you measure up to this old, now gone, OM. Do you think your conversations are revving up your wife about you - or getting her sympathy and guilt? Feel good about you - then promote and present this to her and the world.

 

6) Perhaps one word of caution - I know I will get some negative feedback - but if you may wish to dig a little further in to her other messages - like find a way to get into her emails or social media accounts. I ONLY say this because I am more than a bit concerned she carries around old texts from him and her words to him. I don't get this, its been a while, why?

 

7) If your not married yet, extend the date and work on this some more on this - and try to lay off asking her for reassurances. Get your self esteem in order, be the man you can be.

 

 

 

Thank you very much for your helpful insight. I had written a long reply to your post, but LS timed me out when I submitted it and lost it all.

So I'll try it again...

1. I agree that if this relationship ends, I would not likely be the best in every sexual way for a future partner. I am ok with this and it doesn't bother me.

2. Last summer during a night when we were having a special night with wine and music, she gave me a bit of oral sex for a short time. Afterwards I told her that I enjoyed it and that it was a nice surprise and I hope she does that again sometimes. She said that she didn't mind to do that if I didn't think less of her. For the next few months, she didn't do that again. In early November I brought it up and asked her why. She said again that she doesn't mind and will do it again. However, she never did and I was not aggressive about it and I never directly asked her when we were making love. I never want to put pressure on her to do that if she doesn't want to. I must point out though that in November and December, she did seem more excited about being with me and when making love together.

3. Two of my previous lovers were better loves, but ONLY because they were passionate about me and expressed their excitement to me. If my fiancé showed me the same excitement, then she would be the best ever because I love her the most and want to share everything with her.

 

 

My sexual nature is to be creative, have fun, and try to know what she likes. I enjoy her physical pleasure more than my own. I have introduced her to vibes and she does like that I really appreciate when she wears sexy clothes for me. I much prefer to have sex with someone that I love and feel close to. Therefore I am open minded and passionate about sex with her, but I have never been completely aggressive and just did whatever I want with her. I could try that and maybe enjoy that, but it goes against everything I was taught and is different than my caring personality.

4. I don't think the OM felt too bad when she ended it because he had other younger women to sleep with and he did not have any emotional feelings for her.

5. After I discovered the text, my confidence has crashed. However, I am back in my home city for two months so we have not been together since then. We did have a few talks about that first summer and our sex life a few times. One interesting thing is that after our first long talk, it turned into the first time we ever had phone sex. That was very unusual for our relationship.

6. She says that she did not delete old messages after she got an iphone in 2011 because at first she didn't know how. She says that she did not remember that the old texts with OM were still on her phone.

7. Yes, I need to repair my self esteem. I have always been active in sports, but I stopped lifting weights and really pushing myself about four years ago. As a result, I had a little bit of belly fat. She did as well. I plan to go back to the gym regularly and really push myself. During the past five weeks, I have lost 18 lbs. due to the stress so I am a little too thin now and no longer have any belly fat.

 

 

If we continue, I will not think about marriage for a few months. First I will see if our relationship and sex life can recover and become even better than before in the future. Thanks again.

[Iguanna]

When a woman truly loves you, you KNOW she loves your sex

 

I think that's as inaccurate as it can be. A woman who loves her man loves having sex with him but doesn't necessarily enjoys the physical part of it, she can love the intimacy and the hugging etc but does this guarantee her coming every single time? Hell no.

[SD1000]

I want to ask a question: you said a man would ideally prefer to be all things to their wives/gfs. Lets say now a guy should choose only one of these things, being great in bed but not marriage material OR being marriage material but not great in bed, what would he choose?........... She chose to spend her life with the OP and this in women's eyes matters more.

 

 

 

I would also like to answer your question. I would choose a woman who was marriage material, but not great in bed. However there's a caveat, I need to be sexually attracted to her. She doesn't need to be a great lover, but needs to be open about it and I need to have that desire to make love with her.

 

 

Yes, she chose to spend her life with me and that is meaningful to me. However, to play devils advocate, she is 42, never married, and the other man did not want to marry her anyway.

[SD1000]

My general point of view is that there is no perfect relationship. Of course I'd love to have the great guy with a million skills in everything, who will be a great husband, lover, friend, father, everything.

 

 

 

I am also not looking for a perfect relationship. If you find a man who loves you very much, I think you would still want/need him to have a strong desire for you sexually. I believe you that he doesn't need to be so skillful in sex, but you probably need to be sexually attracted to him and want to express your attraction for him. I don't need my fiancé to be great at sex, just that she has a strong physical desire to make love with me.

[SD1000]

I have great sex with my wife, but i'm not sure she had'nt greater sex before she met me.

 

You shoudnt have read those old messages. but since you did, you should take responsibility for your mistake.

 

and.... start trying new stuff in bed. she will forget him, belive me.

 

 

 

I don't mind if she has previously had better sex, well at least not mind too much. However, I assume you agree that need your wife to have strong desire to have sex with you.

 

 

I don't regret reading those old messages because without that, I would have never known who she really was. I would have never been able to have the knowledge to be able to have an honest deep conversation with her about our sex life. As stressful as it has been for me, I think that I deserved to know who she really is and not be under the wrong impression that she just hasn't had much experience before.

 

 

I have been very creative to try new stuff in bed, but whatever I do, it will fail unless she does have passion for me and has an awakening about the importance of this in our relationship. It takes both of us to improve this part.

[SD1000]

It may be hard to swallow, but I think that she is just not that sexually into you. And it has nothing to do with your looks/size... it is a package deal.

 

 

 

Your input is also very important and I need to find out if my fiancé's past issues are because of the same reasons that you had with your ex husband. If it is, then yes, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in your ex husband's shoes.

[SD1000]

sure you can find a great lover and a great partner combined in the same person.

 

BUT you will not find the perfect one, THE BEST of everything.

 

Maybe the OP is sexy for her, but not NO 1 of all times. his spouse may think he is not THE BEST lover ever, but she might certainty feel that his love for her is the most precious in the world.

 

 

 

I do think that she feels that my love for her is very precious. I think that she thinks I am a good lover, but it is possible that she was not completely satisfied because I was not an aggressive and animalistic lover. Maybe she never told me that because she thought it doesn't fit with my gentle character.

[SD1000]

I am saying the OP can IMPROVE his sex life if he wants.

 

 

 

Yes, I can try to be more aggressive to make her more excited, but we'll see if ME being aggressive can give her that excitement.

[dichotomy]

I said "great in sex", there's a difference. There are many scales in how good someone is in bed and many aspects. So if I had to choose between great spouse / father or great lover (but at least mediocre, not bad, lover), I'd choose the first.

 

Ok - you would be okay with a good loving man who gave you mediocre sex. Because you had your fill already with others.

 

Would you give this good loving man your best sexual efforts - even if you were not receiving the best? Or would you have reserved your best - when you got the best. Or does getting the best inspire giving the best?

 

This is the point i was making to OP and to others. I think what bothers these men most - is not that they might not measure up fully to their woman's past lovers - but that those other men got better from her. She is holding back.

[dieseldave]

Wow what can I say you have a good point. Are you sex therapist by any chances

 

I'm a psychologist, but not a sex therapist. I have a side interest in sexuality and have done quite a bit of research.

[SD1000]

 

The more layers we peel back on the OP's story, the more is sounds like she just doesn't feel any sexual sparks with him.

 

 

 

The following is her reply to my question about "better than expected":

 

 

me: The part that affect me the most was your answer that it is better than you expected. Therefore I knew that I was not very attractive to you.

 

her: 'better than i expect', to me,is a positive thing, it is a good surprise

 

me: Yes, you enjoy sex with me for the emotional closeness, but not for the physical excitement. During the past few weeks, I have been learning to accept that you don't have that strong physical desire for me, but you do enjoy the emotional closeness.

 

her: Maybe you are right. I believe it is the difference between men and women. I asked some girlfriends, we all agree women use their heart to make love more, but men behave differently

[dichotomy]

The following is her reply to my question about "better than expected":

 

 

me: The part that affect me the most was your answer that it is better than you expected. Therefore I knew that I was not very attractive to you.

 

her: 'better than i expect', to me,is a positive thing, it is a good surprise

 

me: Yes, you enjoy sex with me for the emotional closeness, but not for the physical excitement. During the past few weeks, I have been learning to accept that you don't have that strong physical desire for me, but you do enjoy the emotional closeness.

her: Maybe you are right. I believe it is the difference between men and women. I asked some girlfriends, we all agree women use their heart to make love more, but men behave differently

 

 

First two bold statements - their ya go. Honesty from her. So what to do with this now?

 

Third bolded statement - Bullsh....it....My two cents - if a man is truly in love with a woman - the MORE he will do - or try - and go the distance for a woman in the bedroom then he would for some new gal he just started having sex with. I have found the opposite with many women (not all ok) - they are more likely to go to freaky places and try more in the bedroom with strangers and womanizers - because they struggle with the roles wild single gal vs nice good respectable wife that our society imposes. There are studies to back this up. It is very common that wives when cheating, or shortly after divorce do things they would never have done with their husband - because they felt it was not compatible with being a good wife - or harder to look your husband in the eye over breakfast while arguing over the kids school play that night - when you just let him tie you up and rough ride you the night before - easier with some casual guy you only see for that.

Edited February 16, 2014 by dichotomy

[dieseldave]

I think that's as inaccurate as it can be. A woman who loves her man loves having sex with him but doesn't necessarily enjoys the physical part of it, she can love the intimacy and the hugging etc but does this guarantee her coming every single time? Hell no.

 

Physical sexual attraction is the bedrock foundation of sexual relationships. Without that, you just have a companionship. Look at the link I posted.

 

It is complex. I agree with you that intimacy is not enough to guarantee an orgasm. Unfortunately, this is all most husbands can offer their wives. You need physical masculinity, a big enough penis, and the ability to last longer than 10 minutes to really take women there. And's that just the minimum. This is a gross, repulsive topic that is frequently swept under the rug because mutual orgasms are basically the real bedrock, primitive foundation of any sexual relationship.

 

Most women are with their husbands for security, comfort, familiarity, the kids, and financial security. Fifty-four percent of marriages end in divorce. Most of the time, it's the woman who initiates the divorce. Something isn't right about this picture. Society, imo, has shamed women about their sexuality so much that women frequently do not give it the attention it needs when they first get married.

 

OP, if I had money to spare, I would put money down on her cheating on you again. It's just nature.

[SD1000]

she excused his lack of courtesy (not remembering someone's name who you recently had repeated sex with is pretty messed up, imo). If I'm not mistaken, she was doing this guy while she was in a relationship with you.

 

 

 

 

Thanks Dave. Yes, that is also messed up to me. From looking at his photos, his dating profile, and his messages to her, I can tell that I would not like this guy at all. She says that she is embarrassed that she saw him and one of her excuses was that she always had very low self confidence. She did see a therapist for a few weeks at that time about her low self confidence. Last Fall, she told me that after being with me, she feels much better about herself.

 

 

In regard to her settling with me physically, I will be determined to be cognizant of that and to make sure that if that is the case, I will end the relationship.

[dieseldave]

The following is her reply to my question about "better than expected":

 

 

me: The part that affect me the most was your answer that it is better than you expected. Therefore I knew that I was not very attractive to you.

 

her: 'better than i expect', to me,is a positive thing, it is a good surprise

 

me: Yes, you enjoy sex with me for the emotional closeness, but not for the physical excitement. During the past few weeks, I have been learning to accept that you don't have that strong physical desire for me, but you do enjoy the emotional closeness.

 

her: Maybe you are right. I believe it is the difference between men and women. I asked some girlfriends, we all agree women use their heart to make love more, but men behave differently

 

Jesus no, OP. This is unhealthy. Lots of husbands think like this and lots of them end up getting divorced. You are getting more and more attached each time you have sex; she is sexually either in a bit of pain or totally bored.

 

You are exchanging with her your social attention ("emotional closeness") for orgasms (yours alone). On a subconscious, physiological level, this trade is not equivalent. Your oxytocin levels soar when you climax with her, hers stay about the same; maybe a bit elevated due to the social attention you're giving. Oxytocin is a feelgood hormone involved in pairbonding that is released in large quantities during orgasm. She has experienced tremendously elevated levels of this hormone with the guy she cheated on you with. The hormonal cocktail she releases in your presence is not equivalent to what the masculine businessman induced.

 

You will never be on an equal playing field with her.

[SD1000]

Women love a good seeing to from a dominant masculine bad boy type. But it's purely sexual. Most naturally sexually aggressive men are aggressive in other areas and that's not what women like. Maybe take a break for a while and start afresh with her.

 

Make sure you ask her what she likes/needs in the bedroom and try to accommodate each other.

 

The dude sounds like a prick and she knows that deep down you sound like a life partner, a caring loyal type and there's a lot to be said for that.

 

And penis size isn't everything!

 

 

 

I think you seem to be right. And yes, size is not everything. She told me that sex with him was uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I think that it must have mostly been not painful though because if it was, she would not have continued seeing him. One more thing regarding size, she is a short petite lady and I never felt that I was too small for her or her too big for me.

[dieseldave]

I think you seem to be right. And yes, size is not everything. She told me that sex with him was uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I think that it must have mostly been not painful though because if it was, she would not have continued seeing him. One more thing regarding size, she is a short petite lady and I never felt that I was too small for her or her too big for me.

 

When it comes to people, especially in romantic relationships, judge them by their behaviors, not their words.

 

You are making an astute, clear-headed observation here.

 

You should read Women's Infidelities by Michelle Langley.

[SD1000]

It just seems to me that she is making an effort now to be more sexual with you because she does not want the engagement to be called off. She was never like this previously but now says she will make a greater effort.......Oh please. She did not have to make an effort with this OM and she in fact greatly desired it with him.

 

I hate to say this but I get the feeling that once she gets married to you her effort will not be that strong ever again. Look at the facts:

 

1. She in fact cheated on you while while you were dating her.

2. She put your health at risk for STD's and never told you about it.

3. You find out from readings that she had great great sex and lust with this other guy and told him how much she enjoyed having sex with him and engaged in all sorts of sexual activities with him.

4. The best she can say about you is that the sex with you was better than she expected??? She does not engage in the sexual activities she did with the OM and is now trying to make an effort to be more sexual with you??????

5. She tells you all of the things she said to the OM was not what she really felt. Well we now have established she is a liar so why would you believe she is saying the truth now?

6. She wants to get married so she is in damage control and is saying the words she thinks you want to hear.

 

What are all of these things saying to you? For God Sakes Open your eyes.

There is nobody who is as blind as a person who refuses to see.

 

 

 

Thanks BryanP. It should be clear that my eyes are definitely open due to my being here and what I have written until now. I agree with you that it seems likely that she says she will make a greater effort to express her sexual desire for me because she doesn't want to lose me. That is my default thinking and it is up to her to be able to prove for a long time that you and I are wrong.

 

 

I appreciate both sides of this. For one hour, I think like you and realize that I need to end this. Then I wonder if I am being too hard headed and try to understand the other side. Then, of course I wonder if I am being too stupid and naïve again, and go back to my hard headed stance. It's back and forth. This really sucks, but I do seem a bit of humor in this part of human nature.

[SD1000]

Jesus no, OP. This is unhealthy. Lots of husbands think like this and lots of them end up getting divorced.

 

You will never be on an equal playing field with her.

 

 

 

When I wrote to her that I was "accepting" this, I did not mean that I will live with this and continue the relationship. I agree that mutual sexual attraction is important.

[oldshirt]

 

Also I don't understand this...one person has wild sex with someone he/she doesn't love, but doesn't do it with a person he/she loves.

QUOTE]

 

 

 

That is also difficult for me to understand, but it is similar to what my fiancé said.

 

 

Simple equation here actually. With bad men, women can be naughty girls. With nice guys, they feel they have to be nice girls.

 

 

here are some other bullet points in no particular order-

 

 

- he never asked her what she wanted or what he should do to please her. He just did what he wanted (not rape of course) That's what bad guys do and that's why women find them so alluring. Nothing is more stimulating than being desired and "taken."

 

 

- generally speaking women aren't really capable of telling you specifically what they like and what satisfies them. They don't walk around in a state of desire or have much of an idea of they want to do. They have what is called reactive desire and respond to the mans masculine and sexual energy. They don't really know what will trip their trigger. They just find out about it after the fact once they've had it done to them.

 

 

- the real irony is, even if they did tell you something they want, it's actually a strike against you to have to be told what to do. They want you to just take the initiative and do it without having to be told. If you have to ask, you are already behind the 8ball trying to play catch-up.

 

- look up the term "alpha widow". see if it applies to your situation. I think it does. If it does, you will have a problem on your hands. This will attack your sense of security and you'll always wonder if she settled for you since he wouldn't have her fulltime.

 

 

- she may also be secretly pining for him and comparing you unfavorably to him. she may be having regular sex with you now since you are talking about marriage but after a few years and things have settled down she may lose attraction for you and you'll be one of these guys on here posting that you haven't had sex in six months and that your wife is never interested in sex.

 

 

- you basically need to be the top dog in the bedroom in her life. In order to do that you need to do less talking and more doing. you need to be more masculine and more sexually assertive and stop asking her what she wants and doing more of what you want and what you like. I know it seems counterintuitive but who ever said women are rational and make sense.

 

 

- be more creative and exploring in bed. but don't talk about it or ask for permission first. just do it. If she doesn't like it she'll tell you to stop.

 

 

- if you ask permission for something, then that will make her responsible for it happening and a lot of women don't like the feeling of being sexually responsible for something. They want it to "just happen."

 

 

- bad boys 'just happen' to make out with chicks they just met in the bar. 'just happen' to get them in their cars. 'just happen' to get them back to their house and in bed. 'just happen' to take their clothes off and touch and kiss them all over and get them all aroused and turned on. 'just happen' to get their penises into their mouths, vaginas and back doors etc etc ....... they didn't discuss any of this beforehand or ask what the ladies wanted to do or ask for permission for any of it beforehand. They just did it.

 

 

- become more like that.

[oldshirt]

?

 

Third bolded statement - Bullsh....it....My two cents - if a man is truly in love with a woman - the MORE he will do - or try - and go the distance for a woman in the bedroom then he would for some new gal he just started having sex with. I have found the opposite with many women (not all ok) - they are more likely to go to freaky places and try more in the bedroom with strangers and womanizers - because they struggle with the roles wild single gal vs nice good respectable wife that our society imposes. There are studies to back this up. It is very common that wives when cheating, or shortly after divorce do things they would never have done with their husband - because they felt it was not compatible with being a good wife - or harder to look your husband in the eye over breakfast while arguing over the kids school play that night - when you just let him tie you up and rough ride you the night before - easier with some casual guy you only see for that.

 

 

 

I haven't read all of the previous posts and I should have. I tried to say this but Dichotomy has said it better. women are often more reserved and hold back in bed with men they feel are 'nice guys' and with whom they are more emotionally invested with.

 

 

Very unfair, but probably true nonetheless.

 

 

Moral of the story - if you want a tigeress in bed, be the tiger first, not a cuddly kitten.

 

 

I wish someone had told me that 30 years ago.

[drifter777]

There is a bottom line here but you are clearly not yet ready to accept it. You are not married yet. You don't have children. You know this is going to bother you every time your memory of it is triggered and as long as you are together those triggers are going to happen pretty often. And the painful truth is that she is going to tell you what she thinks you want to hear forever. If you think you will someday know that she settled for bad sex (for her taste) with a good man you are sadly mistaken. She'll take her true feelings to her grave.

 

You have the rare opportunity to make your final decision about the wedding with more information than most guys ever have. Its your call - do what you think is best for the rest of your life.

[peruano99]

 

 

Simple equation here actually. With bad men, women can be naughty girls. With nice guys, they feel they have to be nice girls.

 

 

here are some other bullet points in no particular order-

 

 

- he never asked her what she wanted or what he should do to please her. He just did what he wanted (not rape of course) That's what bad guys do and that's why women find them so alluring. Nothing is more stimulating than being desired and "taken."

 

 

- generally speaking women aren't really capable of telling you specifically what they like and what satisfies them. They don't walk around in a state of desire or have much of an idea of they want to do. They have what is called reactive desire and respond to the mans masculine and sexual energy. They don't really know what will trip their trigger. They just find out about it after the fact once they've had it done to them.

 

 

- the real irony is, even if they did tell you something they want, it's actually a strike against you to have to be told what to do. They want you to just take the initiative and do it without having to be told. If you have to ask, you are already behind the 8ball trying to play catch-up.

 

- look up the term "alpha widow". see if it applies to your situation. I think it does. If it does, you will have a problem on your hands. This will attack your sense of security and you'll always wonder if she settled for you since he wouldn't have her fulltime.

 

 

- she may also be secretly pining for him and comparing you unfavorably to him. she may be having regular sex with you now since you are talking about marriage but after a few years and things have settled down she may lose attraction for you and you'll be one of these guys on here posting that you haven't had sex in six months and that your wife is never interested in sex.

 

 

- you basically need to be the top dog in the bedroom in her life. In order to do that you need to do less talking and more doing. you need to be more masculine and more sexually assertive and stop asking her what she wants and doing more of what you want and what you like. I know it seems counterintuitive but who ever said women are rational and make sense.

 

 

- be more creative and exploring in bed. but don't talk about it or ask for permission first. just do it. If she doesn't like it she'll tell you to stop.

 

 

- if you ask permission for something, then that will make her responsible for it happening and a lot of women don't like the feeling of being sexually responsible for something. They want it to "just happen."

 

 

- bad boys 'just happen' to make out with chicks they just met in the bar. 'just happen' to get them in their cars. 'just happen' to get them back to their house and in bed. 'just happen' to take their clothes off and touch and kiss them all over and get them all aroused and turned on. 'just happen' to get their penises into their mouths, vaginas and back doors etc etc ....... they didn't discuss any of this beforehand or ask what the ladies wanted to do or ask for permission for any of it beforehand. They just did it.

 

 

- become more like that.

 

 

Well then I'm sorry, but I never want to be the good guy women step on .

[oldshirt]

 

 

Well then I'm sorry, but I never want to be the good guy women step on .

 

 

 

This thread really hasn't been about being stepped on.

 

 

SD1000 hasn't said anything that has implied that she has mistreated, manipulated or taken advantage of him in any way shape or form. There is simply valid reason to believe that he hasn't rocked her world to the degree her other dude did.

 

 

I think people are even using the term "cheating" a little too fast and loosely here. they had just started seeing each other, he was out of town and there was no explicit discussions of exclusivity. These were full grown adults, he should have known better than to have assumed she was exclusive simply because she didn't explicitly say she was seeing anyone else.

 

 

(news flash for future reference for everyone - grown women ARE seeing other unless they explicitly say they aren't. ....and even then you need to keep your eyes and ears open)

 

 

Whether she cheated or not is very much up for debate and we can argue that till we all die.

 

 

What is at issue is whether he wants to accept the position of 2nd choice in the bedroom or not, not that she has walked on him or mistreated him or acted in bad faith in any way.

 

 

And also for reference, I guy doesn't have to be a bad boy or a dick or douchebag to not get walked on. He can be a perfect gentleman and the guy that every grandmother loves and wants her granddaughters to marry. He simply has to have definitive boundaries and be willing to enforce them.