Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[SD1000]

 

 

Simple equation here actually. With bad men, women can be naughty girls. With nice guys, they feel they have to be nice girls.

 

 

here are some other bullet points in no particular order-

 

- become more like that.

 

 

 

Thank you. I wish that I had read this two years ago so that I could better understand her. The damned thing is that I know that I shouldn't be 2nd place to that POS. Because I was more gentle and considerate to her two years ago, I probably was not the right type of lover for her. My previous great lovers encouraged me and I got used to that, but my fiancé does have a much more reserved type of personality. I think that showing her outside of the bedroom that I am not such a soft caring man that she can be lazy with also may be helpful. During our break, she is learning that she is no longer guaranteed to have me through my actions.

 

 

Sexually, I can be a better lover that better matches her needs IF she is naturally attracted to me. She says that I'm handsome and I can look more manly after pushing myself hard in the gym for the next couple of months. If it doesn't work out with her, at least I will be in good shape.

[SD1000]

Moral of the story - if you want a tigeress in bed, be the tiger first, not a cuddly kitten.

 

 

 

 

I'll add one more thing: I think that we also need to be more of a tiger outside of bed first.

[SD1000]

There is a bottom line here but you are clearly not yet ready to accept it.

 

You have the rare opportunity to make your final decision about the wedding with more information than most guys ever have. Its your call - do what you think is best for the rest of your life.

 

 

 

I don't think your first sentence is fair to me. I am in NO WAY not ready to accept whatever the truth is.

 

 

Yes I have the opportunity to make a smarter decision about a future marriage and I plan to take advantage of that. I will not accept a few insincere words from her. I will be able to tell from her actions and reactions.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

Sexually, I can be a better lover that better matches her needs IF she is naturally attracted to me.

.

 

 

 

I disagree to a certain extent. Again, women's desire is reactive. She becomes more attracted as you become a better lover.

 

 

You don't become a better lover because she is more attracted. SHE becomes a better lover the more attracted she is.

 

 

Ergo she becomes a better, more adventurous lover the better lover you are.

[SD1000]

Ok I'm sorry, but you were dating and thought you were exclusive. She didn't like or respect you enough to not screw other people during this time. She also didn't respect you enough to at least inform you she was going to do this.

 

So you should leave her. Why be with a cheater? Monogamy should be a given in a relationship. We should have to have a major sitdown and talk if the other person feels this should NOT be the case.

 

She is also lying to you, claims sex was uncomfortable with the guy, but her texts to him say otherwise? Yeah, a red flag. If sex was that uncomfortable for her she wouldn't of really enjoyed it. So she lies to you when you ask her things and she bangs other people behind your back when you first begin dating. Why do you want such a person?

 

 

 

Yes, I thought we were exclusive and she was a very selfish person during those first four months. However, several people have told me that I was unreasonable to expect that after spending two weeks with her, then being apart for four months. Yes, she should not have let me believe that we were exclusive during that time and I have strongly expressed this to her during the past five weeks.

 

 

She is probably being less than honest about her feelings of why she had sex with the other man, but how many women could be 100% honest about that? I believe most women would not be completely honest about those details because they do not want to hurt the men who love them. In the near future, she will need to show me that she can be the woman that I need her to be.

 

 

Why do I want such a person who did that to me before? Because after we resumed being together 1 1/2 years ago, she has been dependable and loyal. In her mind, that is when she decided to commit to me. In many other ways, she is someone that I have been looking for for many years. We get along well and if she truly loves me and wants me very much emotionally and sexually, then I need to accept who she is now.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I think that showing her outside of the bedroom that I am not such a soft caring man that she can be lazy with also may be helpful. During our break, she is learning that she is no longer guaranteed to have me through my actions.

 

.

 

 

 

This is good.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

I can look more manly after pushing myself hard in the gym for the next couple of months. If it doesn't work out with her, at least I will be in good shape.

 

 

 

CORRECT!

 

 

Workout like it's the cure for cancer.

[SD1000]

 

 

 

I disagree to a certain extent. Again, women's desire is reactive. She becomes more attracted as you become a better lover.

 

 

You don't become a better lover because she is more attracted. SHE becomes a better lover the more attracted she is.

 

 

Ergo she becomes a better, more adventurous lover the better lover you are.

 

 

I think that we might actually agree, but I did not express my words correctly. I can become a better lover that matches her needs first. My only point is that she needs to be a willing receptor to me. If she is attracted to me (not sexually at first), then my willingness to be a better lover will be more effective. If she simply has little natural attraction to me, then she will not be receptive to me no matter how much of a better lover I become.

[oldshirt]

 

 

However, several people have told me that I was unreasonable to expect that after spending two weeks with her, then being apart for four months.

 

 

 

I AM ONE OF THEM.

 

She is probably being less than honest about her feelings of why she had sex with the other man, but how many women could be 100% honest about that?

 

 

 

 

THE REASON SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM WAS HER BUSINESS. BUT REGARDLESS, YES, YOU ARE CORRECT, NO WOMAN IS GOING TO TELL HER NEXT MAN WHY. AND SHE DOESN'T NEED TO, I'LL SAY IT FOR HER - HE TURNED HER ON AND FLIPPED HER THROW-DOWN SWITCHES. YOU NEED TO LEARN TO DO THE SAME.

 

 

Why do I want such a person who did that to me before? Because after we resumed being together 1 1/2 years ago, she has been dependable and loyal. In her mind, that is when she decided to commit to me. In many other ways, she is someone that I have been looking for for many years. We get along well and if she truly loves me and wants me very much emotionally and sexually, then I need to accept who she is now

 

 

FOR SOME STRANGE REASON I KIND OF AGREE WITH YOU ON THIS ONE. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT FULL GROWN ADULTS MAKING RATIONAL DECISIONS HERE.

 

 

WHO WE ARE ATTRACTED TO IS NOT A CHOICE BUT WHO WE HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH IS. ATTRACTION IS CRITICAL FACTOR BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THAT INDICATES SHE UNATTRACTED TO YOU, JUST THAT HE MAY HAVE MADE HER SQUEAL A LITTLE LOUDER. SEXUAL TECHNIQUE AND EVEN ANIMAL MAGNITISM CAN BE IMPROVED.

 

 

.

 

 

 

I'm not yelling. just capitalizing to differentiate my responses.

[SD1000]

Again, thanks to everyone for taking the time to write. This is helpful to me. Before yesterday, I kept all of this to myself and had no one to share this with. You guys have helped me to honestly face all of these thoughts. It is still a process and I don't know yet what I will do or if I can get passed these thoughts, but thanks to all of you, I slowly coming to terms with this.

[SD1000]

I'm not yelling. just capitalizing to differentiate my responses.

 

 

 

Even if I thought you were yelling, I would want you to continue because I value your input.

[oldshirt]

 

. My only point is that she needs to be a willing receptor to me. If she is attracted to me (not sexually at first), then my willingness to be a better lover will be more effective. If she simply has little natural attraction to me, then she will not be receptive to me no matter how much of a better lover I become.

 

 

 

If she is going out with you, willingly having sex with you and generally enjoying and participating in the sexuality and wanting the relationship to move forward, then she is receptive.

 

 

Again, I haven't seen anything definitive that indicates she is NOT attracted to you. just simply that they may have had a little more chemistry and energy.

 

 

Women that are not attracted can fake it for a short period of time to get the home and family and then they quit trying.

 

 

What's questionable is whether she simply faking it and Hoovering you (look it up if you aren't familiar with the term) or whether she is good with you, just that he had a little more energy with her.

 

 

the signs that would indicate she's just gaming you for some companionship and security would be if she -

 

 

- rarely if ever initiates any sexual activity or flirting, banter etc.

 

 

- makes no effort to dress up or primp and preen for you or wear what you ask her to but will spend hours getting ready and looking hot if going out where there will be other men.

 

 

- seems to only engage in sexual activity when you initiate it and then appears to just be performing another household chore, ie "duty sex" or if she even appears somewhat hostile and has an "OK-Fine.-let's-just-get-it-over-with" attitude and just lays there with arms at her side and lets you masturbate with her body, ie "starfish sex."

 

 

- always has an excuse to postpone sex ie too tired, too stressed, too achy/crampy/, too much work to do, too tired, not in the mood, feels too fat, hasn't showed/put on make up etc etc etc but then never follows through with the promise of doing it 'later'.

 

 

- outright rejects your advances.

 

 

- carrys on flirtations, banter, lunches, hang-outs, etc etc with other men despite your protests, claiming them to be "just friends." Blames your discomfort on your insecurity or that you are just imagining it.

 

 

- has actual emotional and physical contact with other men (again debatable if her involvement with other man constitutes cheating. some here obviously do think that she cheated. I'm not so convinced)

 

 

- indicates your interest in sex is excessive and that YOU have a problem because you "want it all the time."

 

 

 

 

There are probably more but that should give you an indication of if there are any other red flags flapping in the breeze.

 

 

My bottom line here though is that unless she is truly unattracted to you and finds you completely sexually unappealing, she will be receptive to your attempts to increase your prowess.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

My bottom line here though is that unless she is truly unattracted to you and finds you completely sexually unappealing, she will be receptive to your attempts to increase your prowess.

 

 

 

The exception to this is if she is completely wanting you strictly for a beta supporter to pay her bills and keep a roof over her head with no intentions of having a passionate sexual relationship with you.

 

 

If that is the case then she will be very resistant to you dressing better, hitting the gym, becoming more assertive and more flirty etc etc because she knows that some other woman will be attracted and will put out.

 

 

If she resists your attempts to become more attractive and more assertive and more masculine RUN FAR AND RUN FAST!!!

[peruano99]

 

 

 

If she is going out with you, willingly having sex with you and generally enjoying and participating in the sexuality and wanting the relationship to move forward, then she is receptive.

 

 

Again, I haven't seen anything definitive that indicates she is NOT attracted to you. just simply that they may have had a little more chemistry and energy.

 

 

Women that are not attracted can fake it for a short period of time to get the home and family and then they quit trying.

 

 

What's questionable is whether she simply faking it and Hoovering you (look it up if you aren't familiar with the term) or whether she is good with you, just that he had a little more energy with her.

 

 

the signs that would indicate she's just gaming you for some companionship and security would be if she -

 

 

- rarely if ever initiates any sexual activity or flirting, banter etc.

 

 

- makes no effort to dress up or primp and preen for you or wear what you ask her to but will spend hours getting ready and looking hot if going out where there will be other men.

 

 

- seems to only engage in sexual activity when you initiate it and then appears to just be performing another household chore, ie "duty sex" or if she even appears somewhat hostile and has an "OK-Fine.-let's-just-get-it-over-with" attitude and just lays there with arms at her side and lets you masturbate with her body, ie "starfish sex."

 

 

- always has an excuse to postpone sex ie too tired, too stressed, too achy/crampy/, too much work to do, too tired, not in the mood, feels too fat, hasn't showed/put on make up etc etc etc but then never follows through with the promise of doing it 'later'.

 

 

- outright rejects your advances.

 

 

- carrys on flirtations, banter, lunches, hang-outs, etc etc with other men despite your protests, claiming them to be "just friends." Blames your discomfort on your insecurity or that you are just imagining it.

 

 

- has actual emotional and physical contact with other men (again debatable if her involvement with other man constitutes cheating. some here obviously do think that she cheated. I'm not so convinced)

 

 

- indicates your interest in sex is excessive and that YOU have a problem because you "want it all the time."

 

 

 

 

There are probably more but that should give you an indication of if there are any other red flags flapping in the breeze.

 

 

My bottom line here though is that unless she is truly unattracted to you and finds you completely sexually unappealing, she will be receptive to your attempts to increase your prowess.

 

Okay so if I want a woman to be passionate and wild in bed, I should let her know beforehand?

[Fluttershy]

 

Okay so if I want a woman to be passionate and wild in bed, I should let her know beforehand?

 

Communication is key. If I am in the mood for something i express it or initiate it. We aren't mind readers.

[oldshirt]

 

Okay so if I want a woman to be passionate and wild in bed, I should let her know beforehand?

 

 

 

No. you need to be wild and passionate. in and out of bed.

 

 

Everyone, including all women already know that you want them to be passionate and wild in bed. It's just up to you to make them that way.

[Fluttershy]

 

 

 

No. you need to be wild and passionate. in and out of bed.

 

 

Everyone, including all women already know that you want them to be passionate and wild in bed. It's just up to you to make them that way.

 

Actually some guys r really vanilla. And could down without the wild.

 

I actually dont think OP had a problem with passion unti he saw her being "ddirty" with this guy. He sees it as being more passionate.

[oldshirt]

...also I just want to add, I'm a little uncomfortable with how many people are wanting him to pull the ejection handle at this point.

 

 

There is no wrong doing here. They obviously like each other and both are envisioning a future together.

 

 

All that I have seen so far is that some guy made her squeal a little louder in bed than he has. They're in their 40s, they've each had prior encounters.

 

 

Nothing has indicated that they are incompatible or that she is unattracted to him, just that this other may have made her eyes roll up in her head a little more.

 

 

Sex can be improved. This may be able to be fixed.

 

 

As far as the size issue, no one here has seen any pictures or stated any measurements, for all we know this other dudes dick may be 3.2 millimeters bigger than SD's and she was just stroking his ego and his dick was all they had to talk about.

 

 

dicks come in 3 sizes - too big, big enough, not big enough. Nothing has indicated SD's equipment isn't big enough. Everyone can always learn to use what they have better.

 

 

It seems to me that dumping someone because someone else screwed them better is self-defeating for him and punishing her for liking some other guy in bed before they were even an established couple.

Edited February 17, 2014 by oldshirt

[LuckyLady13]

SD1000 - The situation you're in right now could so easily happen to the guy I'm with and some posts really explain the side of men and how it feels to hear things like "we don't have the greatest sex but I chose you because ________".

 

Point taken, men. That can not be easy.

 

I'll explain why I relate to your situation, OP. I was in a serious relationship years back and went through a bad breakup and needed time to myself to get in a healthy place mentally. My ex was so insane that I knew my head got scrambled being around him too long. I decided at first being single for quite a while was good for me but then realized I could have a sexual relationship (thanks to a FWB situation) without any long term commitment or worry about potential problems stemming from a serious relationship. I didn't have to worry about making any long-term decisions. Just carefree, great sex. It was really good for me at that time.

 

I knew though that I would want to eventually get into a long-term, serious relationship and the FWB situation would end.

 

This is where you need to pay attention because this answers some questions you have:

 

In order to pick out a great lover in the sack, he only had to be good at one thing. Sex! But fun and flirting was a big part of that. The guy didn't need a whole lot of skill in any other areas of his life. And to be honest, he was so immature (which in a way is what made him fun) that I could never for a split second picture myself in a serious relationship with him. No way! He was good for one thing.

 

In order to choose a long-term, serious potential partner, he had to be smart, mature and responsible. I'll admit that I had no real hope of finding a man who could be all that and a bunch of fun in the sack too! Seems like just too much to ask. All these great things wrapped up in one guy? And I don't think I'm alone when I say I had low expectations in the bedroom for the more mature, smarter guy. I think a lot of women think they will have to make a choice and sacrifice one for the other.

 

Does that mean she doesn't love you? No. What I think it does mean is inside, she's secretly wishing and dying for you to be that awesome fun and flirtatious guy in bed but that type of personality doesn't typically go with smart and mature so she probably doesn't expect to ever see this from you.

 

It will never do you any good in this situation though to compare yourself to that other guy she seemed to have some carefree fun with and try to emulate him. Rather, be a whole lot of fun in your own way. I'd bet anything she wishes this is what would happen but if she tells you that, and you do it, are you faking it to try to please her or is this the real you?

 

I don't think anyone wants cubic zirconia when they can have the real diamond.

[BeholdtheMan]

Unfortunately, I had never seen that side of her with me. She tells me that those words to him were not meaningful and that she never said such words to me because I was more honorable and a gentleman.

 

In her eyes, you're a provider, not a lover

 

You're not that sexy, macho guy she has dirty fantasies about. You're that reliable, faithful guy she wants to settle down with after she satisfies her craving for dirty sex with men she's attracted to on a primal, sexual level

 

She told me that sex was uncomfortable with this man, but her replies to him back then indicate to me that she did enjoy it very much.

Obviously she's lying. You've read the texts

 

Am I over reacting and is this something that people can get passed? I would like input from both men and women.

Ultimately, your happiness is at stake and it's up to you whether you think you'll be happy with her.

 

This much is obvious though. She views you as a provider, not a lover. You don't turn her on in a deep, sexual, primal way. You're that nice guy she wants to settle down with.

 

If you're OK with that, stay with her. If not, tell her you can't get past her lack of physical attraction to you (obviously she's capable of more physical attraction than she's showing to you). Part ways amicably.

 

She loves you, she chose you, she wants you! dont be jealous about her past. its pointless.

 

Just as likely, she merely settled for him...let's not blow smoke up OP's arse

[BeholdtheMan]

her: Maybe you are right. I believe it is the difference between men and women. I asked some girlfriends, we all agree women use their heart to make love more, but men behave differently

 

How can you swallow this sh*t? You deserve better.

 

Everyone in this thread who's good at recognising bullsh*t has already called her out. She's just not that sexually attracted to you. Sexually, she's settling for you. Now she's in damage control, talking about how women "make love with their hearts".

 

No...women make love with their vaginas. Your willy doesn't pleasure her vag as much as Mr. Confident Aggressive Businessman's giant pecker. She's also a lot more sexually attracted to Mr. CAB's whole package than she is to yours.

 

This is a very serious issue. Sexual incompatibility can easily break a relationship. If I were you, I'd treat discovering her lustful texts as a blessing. Now I can dodge this bullet.

[peruano99]

He is right, sexual dissatisfactions an lead to affairs...

[Fluttershy]

He is right, sexual dissatisfactions an lead to affairs...

 

It can but the woman has not shown any signs of bein dissatisfied with him. There is a lot of assumptions and misinformation in these posts. I think the OP should be cautious and evaluate the situation. But I am not going to blather on about how she MUST feel and how SHE views him.

 

My favourite sex is slow and making love. But that doesn't mean I didn't have some wild sex at times. But I am not in the business of comparing my husband to past lovers. It is only a competition if you make it one. The person I want to have sex with is my husband. And it is the best sex I have had. And though at times we need to add some zest again we have a healthy sex life. If my husband and i seperate and I meet someone new that will be the best sex i have because i can only enjoy what I have in the now.

[peruano99]

It can but the woman has not shown any signs of bein dissatisfied with him. There is a lot of assumptions and misinformation in these posts. I think the OP should be cautious and evaluate the situation. But I am not going to blather on about how she MUST feel and how SHE views him.

 

My favourite sex is slow and making love. But that doesn't mean I didn't have some wild sex at times. But I am not in the business of comparing my husband to past lovers. It is only a competition if you make it one. The person I want to have sex with is my husband. And it is the best sex I have had. And though at times we need to add some zest again we have a healthy sex life. If my husband and i seperate and I meet someone new that will be the best sex i have because i can only enjoy what I have in the now.

 

I agree the past, should stay in the past, sex with every relationship is different.

[Iguanna]

Most women are with their husbands for security, comfort, familiarity, the kids, and financial security. Fifty-four percent of marriages end in divorce. Most of the time, it's the woman who initiates the divorce. Something isn't right about this picture. Society, imo, has shamed women about their sexuality so much that women frequently do not give it the attention it needs when they first get married.

 

Maybe it's about shame. But for me it's all about accepting that nobody is perfect and I prioritize amazing sex in a low percentage. If I have all the rest you mentioned (security, comfort, familiarity, the kids, and financial security) I would definitely sacrifice amazing sex cause I've done it and I think it's overrated and I wouldn't jeopardize my (perfect, other than this) relationship for sex. I find this very immature. Maybe it is cause I could find amazing sex in my life but I had difficulty finding the rest that are vital to me, so I don't value sex that much anymore.