ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 It did sting, yes, I just don't see why even if he said he couldn't get away, why he allowed himself to be alone with her for that long even if it was about work though he did say some of it was her telling him about whats been going on for her personally. He'sa people pleaser but there MUST have been a way to escape her AND not tell her about him leaving, I don't understand why he'd do that at all Yourre right about the happy ending...maybe I've just lost my mind entirely, but I really do see his job move and putting distance between them as a good thing. Wehad another talk about the job last night where he told me that when he told her what it was she said he'd hate that and she's right but he's prepared to do it so he doesn't have to see her every day and for our family It's because you've chosen to ignore what we've all been saying since February and over the last 17 pages in this thread. You're choosing not to understand. You know damn well why he did it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bonnie2767 Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 It might sound stupid but I hadn't actually considered what Survivor said...that's hit me quite hard. I really did think him choosing to get this transfer was for our family's benefit. I told him to tell me every time he speaks to her and he did again today. He said there was no one else around to serve in the bar area and so he did but it was like she was waiting for him, he said and she asked about the interview and he told her when it was. I did tell him that he shouldn't be telling her anything and why was he and he said she asked and he answered, there was nothing more to it than that. He didn't really say much when I said he should be avoiding her and I shouldn't need to tell him that, he only said that if she's the one approaching him, what can he do, he's not going to be rude and walk off... Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 (edited) It might sound stupid but I hadn't actually considered what Survivor said...that's hit me quite hard. I really did think him choosing to get this transfer was for our family's benefit. I told him to tell me every time he speaks to her and he did again today. He said there was no one else around to serve in the bar area and so he did but it was like she was waiting for him, he said and she asked about the interview and he told her when it was. I did tell him that he shouldn't be telling her anything and why was he and he said she asked and he answered, there was nothing more to it than that. He didn't really say much when I said he should be avoiding her and I shouldn't need to tell him that, he only said that if she's the one approaching him, what can he do, he's not going to be rude and walk off... Ah, back to his first excuse/lie, eh? ("It's not MY fault--she's OBSESSED with ME!" Why not, it worked the first time. Same song different verse... Read what you wrote... I told him to tell me... I did tell him that he shouldn't be telling her... I said he should be avoiding her...AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE TELLING HIM THAT! You're RIGHT--you shouldn't have to tell him how to act, but you DO! Geeze, you may as well hand him a script titled "How to Fake a Happy Relationship". Seriously, Bonnie, are you really satisfied with living a lie? Edited June 13, 2014 by Survivor12 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bonnie2767 Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 He said he wants tomake his life as easy as possible and doesn't want her going to HR again so it's easier to keep her on side until he goes Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 He said he wants tomake his life as easy as possible and doesn't want her going to HR again so it's easier to keep her on side until he goes This is exactly the problem. He's all about his wants and needs; yours don't matter. He's shown you this for months now, and you still find ways to pretend it isn't happening. Sad, and not healthy for your children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bonnie2767 Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Expat, do you think it really could be that, that he's doing it to make his life easier/no HR? I believed it until todays above points...butthen to me, his life would be easier without her in it at all, I don't see how any involvement withher would do that. He says since he spoke to her about work 3 weeks ago she'skept on talking to him Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Wow, it seems that the bottom line is you will do anything to keep him. If you insist on keeping a man who is not in love with you, that has to get another job to stay away from the woman he really loves and to police him for the rest of your life who are we to tell you to think better of yourself and want a man who really loves you. It's a sad life just to have a man. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Expat, do you think it really could be that, that he's doing it to make his life easier/no HR? I believed it until todays above points...butthen to me, his life would be easier without her in it at all, I don't see how any involvement withher would do that. He says since he spoke to her about work 3 weeks ago she'skept on talking to him His life would be easier if he could.be with the woman that he is actually in love with. That's what he truly wants but he is staying with you for his kids sake. He doesn't want to be with you- this man has shown that he would be far happier with a woman that he was in love with. You would rather cling onto a man that is not in love with you than let him go and be with a woman he is in love with, whole at the same time you could one day find a new part enwwho IS in love with you. What is best for the both of you is to find partners that you are both in love with and who are also in love with you! THAT is what would make you and your partner the most happy. It is NOT making his life easier or better to stay with you. He is doing it because he feels bad for you and his kids. He would much rather be with the woman he is in love with and Co parent hus children with you in a mature and fair manner. What makes you think that this man is in love with you? You DO realise that when a man is in love, he doesn't fall in love with other women? You do realise that you would be happier with a man who is truly in love with you? You do realise that you can still Co parent your children and both have a mature and healthy relationship for the sake of your children, while you both seek out partners who are more suited? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 he is lying plain and simple 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bonnie2767 Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 todreaminblue - about what, making his life easier? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 I genuinely believe his problem is this specific woman. After him telling me about talking to her though, it's playing on my mind. He knows the effect it would have on me that they spoke with other people there, but the fact they were alone together for nearly half an hour doesn't sit right...or that he felt theneed to tell her about the new job when he's not told others thereyet... Why are you choosing to police his every move? He's a grown man - crushing on a young pretty gal! Give him extreme consequences! He hasn't followed a path that shows he's respecting and honoring you and the marriage! Pack his bag - kick him out today and change the locks - he's had his chances to be a decent husband and he keeps crossing YOUR boundary! That's not acceptable! Maybe when he realizes the way HE has participated is harming you and the marriage - HE will change because HE WANTS TO! In the meantime - you playing the role of his mommy and policing him ISN'T WORKING - so out he goes! Your H lies! Face it - it's the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 todreaminblue - about what, making his life easier? Every single one of us think he is lying about that. A man's life is ALWAYS made easier when he can be with a woman that he is crazy about and is in love with! You obviously do not understand how true love works. People are generally HAPPY if they seek out a parter that they are in love with! !!! It is very sad and I feel terrible for you , however, sadly your partner is no longer in love with you. If he was in love with YOU he wouldn't fall in love with another woman. People in love don't allow themselves to fall in love with other people because being in love makes you want to protect your relationship. I'm in love with my boyfriend and therefore I never allow myself to spend time with men I have chemistry with because there is a chance we could fall in love if we spent a lot of time together. I fiercely want to protect the integrity of my relationship with the man I am in love with. You don't even seem to believe that your partner is no longer in love with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 You are grasping at anything he will give you - meanwhile he's grasping at anything she will give him. Does that make for a happy marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bonnie2767 Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 2sunny - we aren't married Leigh, I do still believe he loves me. When he's with us he's still affectionateand still holds my hand etc. I also meant do you think he's lying about speaking to her to make his life easier/no HR rather than being in love with her He did tell me that he made sure not to look up at her or at her eyes, he kept his eyes on the register/drink/money...I asked why he wouldn't just look at her normally if there was nothing between them and he said it makes him feel uncomfortable...surely if he definitely still felt that way, he'd not feel uncomfortable looking at her eyes? Link to post Share on other sites
Jaaded Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Bonnie reading this thread makes me so sad for you. I agree with everyone else that's posted....your BF isn't truly in love with you and obviously doesn't respect you. In fact, it seems that he is showing this other woman more respect than his own girlfriend and family! He continues to confide in her and discuss personal issues.....why????? He can't look her in the eye because it's uncomfortable....why??? BECAUSE HE IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER. wtf Bonnie....he has cheated and lied to you and basically continues to rub it in your face. He talks to this woman because he misses the connection they once had.....but he won't ever admit that to you. Instead, he says he's just being polite and trying to make sure HR doesn't get involved. That's bs and you know it. I know that you may feel content and okay with your life the way it is now but if you stay....you are setting yourself up for failure. God forbid you end up marrying this man...then you will really be screwed. You have seen the writing on the wall and have been slapped in the face with numerous red flags....please stop continuing on this path. Please know that many of the posters on here...including myself... have been through similar hells ourselves and are speaking from experience. Please, please, please.....start thinking of an exit plan and leave this man. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 You KNOW why he wouldn't look at her. Why are you forcing him to do the relationship your way when he clearly has strong feelings for her. An innocent person looks anyone in the eye. I have to ask you - why are YOU fighting his battles? And more important - why are you fighting to keep him? He wants to act this way - send him on over to her! Link to post Share on other sites
snowflakes88 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I do appreciate that, really I do, but I have made the choice to give it one last go. If it did happen again, I'm gone...but don't you think the new job etc (same company, but a transfer 40 miles away) is a positive step for us? I'll admit I'm not happy he spoke to herand chose to do so when there were other options, or that when she came to talk to him they ended up talking for 20 minutes but he said he couldn't get away I highly doubt you'd be gone. You didn't answer my question, but is there a reason you guys have been together for so long / keep having kids, but aren't married? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 If you're not married to him - why are you making this kind of effort to force him to stay with you? You really need him to be with you that much that your willing to betray yourself by staying? What is the reason you want to force him to be with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bonnie2767 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I think I've said before, but I'm on the spectrum so I really don't understand the eye contact or lack of thing. If he's deliberately not looking at her eyes because he's uncomfortable, how would that be a sign of still loving her? I'm not being sarcastic, I genuinely don't understand I don't ever want to force him to be with me, but the reason I want him is I love him, I can't imagine my/our life without him Snowflakes, we've talked about it but it's just never happened. Further back in the thread you'll see I saidhe's talkedwith work guys about buying a ring then the next minute says he doesn't want to get married Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 todreaminblue - about what, making his life easier? how is it easier i could not begin to imagine anything more awkward than what you described......easy ...on who ? to me i dotn know if i will get support with this...but a real man who wants an easy life wouldnt stand behind his wife with his head bowed liek pussy...but thats me....when a man behaves like a wimp i wonder what he is scared of.......but thats me.....you dont use women as ground cover....somethings wrong here dotn you feel it....does he often act this way and let you handle dirty awkward work instead of manning up and tellign this woman in private back off im married that seems so much easier to me.,.....maybe im retarded because this whole thing makes me feel that way so that is why i believe it isnt ringing true...deception always makes me feel retarded...and to me this was handled in a very inappropriate manner that possibly wasnt at all easy on anyone .....including you with your anger issues...boiling hot arent you ....anger is blinding my friend....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jaaded Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Regarding the eye contact - He can't look her in the eye because they both still feel a connection to each other. He feels sad when he interacts with her and realizes they can't be together. At this point, he is trying to follow your rules and stay away from her....but he is unable to do so. I don't care if they have to talk about work stuff or not.....it's inappropriate at this time because he has agreed to stay and work things out with you. They should go through upper management to handle work issues so they don't have to speak to each other. She also probably told him how hurt she was about that confrontation. He basically stood back and watched the two women he loved have an arguement over him. And he just stood back and really didn't stand by either one of you. That's what cowards do. He got caught and instead of facing it or choosing a side....he stood with his tail between his legs looking at the ground. I am sorry to say but if you and your kids weren't in the picture......he would be with her right now. And the fact that they "love" each other and can't be together.....makes him want her more. And you will always be wondering if he is secretly talking with her, thinking of her and missing her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jaaded Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I'm sorry. I really feel awful being so blunt because I know you love him and you have a life together.....but what kind of life?? He lied to you in the past and you had no idea. He came home, hugged and kissed you, played with the kids and you thought everything was perfect. Meanwhile, he was secretly carrying on an affair with a younger woman. He went outside of the relationship with you because he feels it is lacking something.....something that this girl obviously provides him. Bonnie...he would wrap his arms around her, stroke her hair and tell her how happy she made him. How can you even look at him?? You don't deserve to be anyone's second choice....and right now that's what you're settling for. You and your kids deserve so much more... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Expat, do you think it really could be that, that he's doing it to make his life easier/no HR? I believed it until todays above points...butthen to me, his life would be easier without her in it at all, I don't see how any involvement withher would do that. He says since he spoke to her about work 3 weeks ago she'skept on talking to him No, that's not what I meant. I meant it's making his life easier because he can have his cake and eat it, too. i.e., he can carry on with the woman he's in love with and still talk to her, and at the same time come home to you. Bonnie, I recall you saying before that you're on the spectrum and have trouble understanding the meaning behind eye contact and his other behaviour. But we have all explained it to you. I don't get what you still need clarification about. We're all broken records now. We're all repeating the same thing. You keep asking the same questions. Nothing has changed. He's still not in love with you; he's still pursuing her. Lather, rinse, repeat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 If he looked her straight in the eye - I'm sure he knew you would see the passion and fire burning between the two of them - I'm sure you would feel the energy too. That is why he wouldn't look. But why are you fighting this battle? Loving him isn't worth the self respect you've forfeited by embarrassing yourself by attempting to control her and control him. Threatening her doesn't make his feelings go away. It just makes you look silly. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Why is everyone so focused on the EYE CONTACT.!?!? Just because he brought it up doesn't make what he said TRUE! As a matter of fact, because he's motivated to mislead, distract and lie to the OP, the odds are it DIDN'T happen --at least not in the way he said. Most lies are based on a bit of truth. The subject of eye contact COULD have come up ("I can't even look you in the eye around here without everyone knowing how I feel about you" or "I can't look you in the eye without wanting to take you in my arms and kiss you"), but had a much different connotation than what he suggested to the OP. It is a distraction from what is really important--that despite the whole debaucle & HR's warnings, they had a conversation in which he told her about his new job. In fact, there is nothing but his word where or when the conversation occurred. The only believable part of his story is that he chose to tell her about the job. He then fabricated the rest to explain & distract from the fact that there is NO good reason to have told her if there wasn't still something going on between them. Do not forget that he lied for months about the OW being obsessed with HIM although in truth HE was in love with HER! He is a proven liar. NOTHING he says, however innocent it may seem, can be believed. If he goes home & says that the sky was such a beautiful shade of blue today, he may really be thinking of the color of the dress his gf wore to work. The bottom line is that each time the OP buys into another of his lies, the more foundation he has for the next one. The only truth is that there was/is something going on between him and the OW & he was/is in love with her. To say that he has to talk to her to stay out of trouble with HR is nonsense. Claiming that the OW is initiating contact with him against his will (after her being the one to go to HR) is unbelievable. The whole story about why he's quitting his job to take one an hour away that will make him miserable is ridiculous. Attempting to disprove every little lie, is a waste of time and completely unnecessary. The truth is that he is in love with the woman and is doing whatever it takes to be with her. Once he succeeds, he'll be gone and the OP will be trying to convince herself that he was kidnapped. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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