Bonnie27 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 No she was there to meet her friendfor coffee/use other aspects of the facility Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Funny timing, he's just got home. He said he asked her to not go in at those times and she didn't react well Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I wonder if he just said that to appease you. How does he bar someone from being in a public place because it upsets you? Does that mean she has to rearrange her life because you can't deal with an uncomfortable situation that was created by your boyfriend? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Funny timing, he's just got home. He said he asked her to not go in at those times and she didn't react well He can't prevent her from being there. It's a public space that she can use when she wants. Same for you. That's the awkwardness he created. It's a horrible shame it hurts you so deeply, but there isn't much you can do about this particular issue, unfortunately. What did he expect? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I just asked him specifically what he said and don't know if my anger is rational or not. He said he went up to her, said our child has swimming lessons on Saturdays and could she not be there...that hewas asking her not to be there...and when she looked at him not saying anything, he said I was still touchy and she said that she's not usually there at that time but if shewants to be she will be and he walked off after saying that he was only asking as he doesn't want me losing it again Link to post Share on other sites
Jaaded Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 First of all - you and your cheating boyfriend have absolutely no right to tell her not to be somewhere at the same time you are. Are you freakin serious with that?? Your boyfriend CREATED this entire situation. No offense, pull your kids out of the swim class if you don't want to chance running into her. Maybe you shouldn't go to that facility or place of business if you are so on edge about being around her? Sorry to be blunt but your demands are f'n ridiculous. If someone "asked" me not to go somewhere because it would upset their girlfriend....I would tell them to go "you know what" themselves. Unreal. And your boyfriend sounds like a bigger tool every time I read an update on this. He is still portraying you as a crazy jealous girlfriend.....he should be apologizing to her for the uncomfortable situation you all are in now. (She isn't without blame either....but she's not making ridiculous demands that you and your bf are) Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Zahara, I'm not saying shehas to rearrange her life but she should at least have the decency to listen to him and respect the fact I don't want her there aroundour children. Why she would even want to bethere then is beyond me Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 It is not her fault she fell in love with her. She likely didn't know he had a gf when she first met him. If she did know then I do think less of her for still pursuing him though. I am sorry you have to endure all of this, I wouldn't be able to tolerate it personally. The fact your boyfriend fell in love with another woman will plague you for your entire relationship, you have to learn how to deal with your uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings associated with this situation. Whilst you all still live in the same area, he is likely to run into her at some stage, especially working with her. You seriously need counselling if you intend to put this well and truly behind you. Are you still wanting to continue with a man who fell in love with another woman? Are you SURE this is what you want? Do you not believe that separated parents can raise their kids optimally? Do you not think you would be happier with a partner one day who doesn't fall in love with other women? We all want what is best for you Bonnie, None of think this is a good relationship for you to remain in, it is all about the kids now and I doubt he has any passionate lustful feelings centred around you, men that are madly in love with their partners do not fall for other women. Your partner would need ground breaking therapy to learn how to fall passionately in love with you again, if he ever was to begin with. If your partner has the will and determination to stick with you for the long haul he NEEDS to do better than what he is currently doing...therapy, leaving his job and never seeing this other woman again. I feel so bad for you, this sounds just awful. I cannot imagine how I would feel if my partner of a mere 8 months fell in love with someone else........ Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Zahara, I'm not saying shehas to rearrange her life but she should at least have the decency to listen to him and respect the fact I don't want her there aroundour children. Why she would even want to bethere then is beyond me What has she done to your children? She is not a monster. She has no ill will towards your children, you do not even know her, why is she unfit to be around your children and why should she decline meeting her friends at a local jaunt that she normally spent time in? Although if I were in your shoes I would despise her too. She doesn't necessarily WANT to be there when your partner is there. In fact, I doubt she wants anything to do with him, I sure wouldn't if I were her! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Zahara, I'm not saying shehas to rearrange her life but she should at least have the decency to listen to him and respect the fact I don't want her there aroundour children. Why she would even want to bethere then is beyond me Sorry, Bonnie, I understand you don't want to see her, but I disagree. She doesn't have to listen to a damn word you or your "boyfriend" say. He has absolutely no right to tell her when she can and can't come there. You say you don't want her around your children, yet their own father is the chump who created this. He is the one who fell in love with another woman and lied to you. He is the one who wants to park his baloney pony in someone who isn't you. Why you would even want to continue with this farce of a relationship is beyond me. Do you see the twisted logic here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 (edited) Zahara, I'm not saying shehas to rearrange her life but she should at least have the decency to listen to him and respect the fact I don't want her there aroundour children. Why she would even want to bethere then is beyond me She should have decency and respect? Your boyfriend didn't have the decency and respect for you when he started all this. Your logic is skewed. She has no responsibility over you, your feelings or your children. This man betrayed you and your children and you're upset over her being around your children? You allow him to be around you and your kids after what he's done but you're all riled and livid over her being at a public swimming pool? Edited July 8, 2014 by Zahara 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 It's a valid point about their father still being allowed near them but not her but I'm coming from more of a, she must know the effect it has on me their mother and if she cared about him at all why would she want to do that to his children point of view Apparently when he said he didn't want me kicking off again he was being honest, her response was that she didn't either but that it wasn't her fault then either...and that if I have a problem, I should go somewhere else Is him saying that I'm still touchy and he doesn't want me losing it again betraying me too...I don't know how I feel about him telling her that Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Is him saying that I'm still touchy and he doesn't want me losing it again betraying me too...I don't know how I feel about him telling her that Translation to me: He told her that as in he doesn't want you nagging and bitching his ass out again. Essentially, he wasn't doing it because he felt if was the right thing for you, him and the kids, he did it because he didn't want to have to deal with your wrath. Given a choice I think he would have been fine with her visiting the pool. You're trying to lay accountability on her -- when the accountability for your hurt and pain lies solely on facts -- your bf creating it and you accepting it. If she came to your yard and walked her dog around your house, get mad. If she came to the pool and parked herself right next to you, get mad. But she was visiting a friend at a public pool. If you have a hard time dealing with it, you change your schedule and you change the venue because you want to shield yourself and your children from anymore drama. What happens when you start seeing her at the grocery store or the movies or at the gym? She has to then manage her time and schedule around you? She has to extend respect and decency that she owes you and your family for something your boyfriend started. It ludicirous. Your entitlement is displaced. I understand you are hurt and in seeing her in such close proximity brings up very negative feelings. But YOU choosing to stay with your bf, is you choosing and having to deal with everything that comes along with the choices that your bf made and the repercussions that have now befallen you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 It's a valid point about their father still being allowed near them but not her but I'm coming from more of a, she must know the effect it has on me their mother and if she cared about him at all why would she want to do that to his children point of view Apparently when he said he didn't want me kicking off again he was being honest, her response was that she didn't either but that it wasn't her fault then either...and that if I have a problem, I should go somewhere else Is him saying that I'm still touchy and he doesn't want me losing it again betraying me too...I don't know how I feel about him telling her that Why does she have some obligation to care for your children? You're children don't know about what went on, how is she a bad influence to have around them when they don't know what is going on? I would be annoyed too if I were you, seeing the face of the woman my partner was in love with. I am not sure why you stay with him. You have the option of finding a man that only has eyes for you and whom you don't have this issue with at all, yet you seem to believe that being with your children's father is far better than finding a man who truly adores you and is in love with you. Again - you can have a happier ending than simply opting to stay with the father of your children simply because you share children. You can go on to find a man who is madly in love with you, and happily co parent. Anyways you wont leave him so I suppose you can only try to make the best out of this situation - if you see her, avoid her. Look the other way. It certainly isn't her job to avoid you, although she shouldn't deliberately turn up in places just to spite you, which she doesn't seem to do on purpose anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I spoke to my friend and she said similar to you, Zahara, only took it one step further. She said maybe he was protecting himself but maybe he was protecting her from my wrath as you put it? I don't know what to think of that either. To use those words about me to her though......................... Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 We did argue in the car on the way home on Saturday. Leigh, I couldn't not look over at her...she looked back a few times but was laughing with her friend most of the time (it was only about 5 minutes as wewere leaving anyway, just packing up). I know it's irrational but I do feel a how dare she be standing there in front of my family laughing and smiling...the friend I spoke to about it said maybe that was just a front but who knows Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 (edited) I spoke to my friend and she said similar to you, Zahara, only took it one step further. She said maybe he was protecting himself but maybe he was protecting her from my wrath as you put it? I don't know what to think of that either. To use those words about me to her though......................... Honestly, he put it all on you and washed his hands of it. The other thing is, how do you even know that he spoke to her, communicated to her exactly what he said to you, etc? Just because he said so? The thing is -- both of you are hurt. She's hurt. You're hurt. Everyone is affected by your boyfriend's actions. She may have been doing the fake it till you make it going on about her life. She's probably trying to move on as well. Unfortunately, you both are going to see/bump into each other. It is something you have to be prepared for. Whether she's doing it to intentionally hurt you, you can't control that. If it bothers you so much, then you have to take the step in avoiding it. You can't force or place responsibility on her to protect your feelings. You're too focused on this woman being at the pool. You have much bigger issues that you need to be focusing on -- your future with this man. He's still showing you behavior that isn't prioritizing you. Edited July 8, 2014 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Hello, I’ve had to change my email yet again. I understand if people don’t want to reply to this but I need this as an outlet, so..[/FONT][/sIZE] The job fell through, he didn’t get it. He’s now looking for something else However that’s not what this post is about. I saw the woman on Saturday for the first time since. We were at the facility with our children like we do most Saturdays for our child’s swimming lesson but she’s never been there before. We were having something to eat and leaving and she waltzed in and met a friend, I assume. I couldn’t help myself looking over and feeling so angry/sick. My partner was in the bathroom with our older child and the baby was with me. I hated seeing her there laughing with her friend as if nothing was wrong My partner said he would talk to her today and ask/tell her not to be there at that time on a Saturday…I just cant deal with it Ask/tell her not to be there? Lol this is insane. How could anyone of you fix your mouth to say this? Who are you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Bonnie, I completely understand why you would be furious at her laughing and seeming happy and carefree in front of you and your family, given what has happened between her and your partner. Now it is time for you to learn how to deal with it appropriately. You cannot go around acting like she is some kind of monster that you need to protect your children from. Your feelings are very valid and frankly, anyone in your position would feel that way - their partner falling in love with another women is enough to make ANY woman furious towards the woman in question! Are you SURE this is what you want, Bonnie? Do you think it will be easier to deal with the anger and rage you feel, opposed to leaving the relationship and co parenting your children in a mature manner so they never have to suffer? Not all parents stay together; their kids are no less happy on account of this one fact alone. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Your feelings are very valid and frankly, anyone in your position would feel that way - their partner falling in love with another women is enough to make ANY woman furious towards the woman in question! Wouldn't they be furious with their partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Wouldn't they be furious with their partner? Of course. First and foremost, it is the partner I would be furious with! However, it would still be sickening to think of the one you're in love with falling in love with another woman. Seeing the woman and thinking about her would make my blood run cold, personally. I wouldn't direct undue anger at her though. He is the one who fell in love with another woman INSTEAD of addressing what is lacking within his own relationship OR ending it..... Feeling heartbroken, depressed and SICK at the sight of the other woman is ONE thing; feeling actual ANGER towards her as though she MADE him fall for her, is not fair on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaaded Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Bonnie, by staying in this relationship with this man you are also agreeing to deal with all the unpleasantries that come with a cheating scenario. You will run into this woman, frequently or infrequently, but it will happen. You will find that certain things "trigger" you for years......get used to it. You obviously can't control how he acts towards her or she towards him. If you are choosing to stay with him....you are choosing to trust him again. You are saying that you trust him to make the right decisions and respect you and your children from now on. It also means you do not have the right to try to control where the other woman chooses to spend her time. You again, are coming off as the needy, crazy, jealous girlfriend. I don't know about you....but that's a title I wouldn't want to have. I agree with other posters thalt you should seek individual counseling as well as couples counseling. I feel like you have major self esteem/self worth issues.....IC may help you find your strength. Couples counseling will help you deal with the betrayal and handle future situations. I know a lot of us come off as harsh but it's because we've already lived through similar situations. You seem to be lost and definitely seem to be places more blame on this girl rather than your partner. It's probably a lot easier to deal with if you are more angry at a stranger.....not the father of your children and man who's shared your life all these years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I think that’s the thing, I DO feel sick. I just see red when I see her. I sort of feel out of control. I don’t even know what I would want to say to her but it’s like a red mist Jaaded, I know you’re right. A friend said that if I want to stay with him then I have to let this go. When you say I’m coming across as theneedy, crazy jealous girlfriend – do you mean to him or to her? I didn’t ask him to say anything to her, he did that himself but I keep replaying hiswords of me being touchy and doesn’t want me losing it again…does that sound like he’s trying to protect HER? Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 One other thing…on Saturday, I saw my partner look at her and her look back before he realised I’d seen her and it’s bothering me. I asked him about it and he said he was just surprised to see her but…I don’t know, I do genuinely believe there is nothing physical going on, but that split second they looked at each other…I don’t know, I don’t know what it was but is it possible to see a connection within less than a second of eye contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 One other thing…on Saturday, I saw my partner look at her and her look back before he realised I’d seen her and it’s bothering me. I asked him about it and he said he was just surprised to see her but…I don’t know, I do genuinely believe there is nothing physical going on, but that split second they looked at each other…I don’t know, I don’t know what it was but is it possible to see a connection within less than a second of eye contact? It is very obvious that they are still in love. It may take a while for them to fall out of love. Are you willing to live with your partner being in love with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
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