mickleb Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 It's not devil's advocate for a moment, though, is it Bonnie? It's devil's advocate constantly because you're terrified to look at the evidence and address the facts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) Look quiet honestly Bonnie is not going to leave this man. He will have to break up with her or betray Bonnie Trust yet again before she finally wakes up. I was there. I didnt want to leave my ex even though the writting was very obviously on the wall. Just think, they have kids together plus she loves him. Of course she is in denial and she is too attached to just leave him. I pray that Bonnies partner does what my ex did: he left me in the end. I was devestated but soon realised it was such a blessing. I am now with a man who truly loves me. Edited July 21, 2014 by Leigh 87 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 You did read correctly that she emailed about him doing her reference and pointed out a job that would make him ‘happier’……………………… OK, Let's switch roles for a second and bear with me if you will... Suppose it was somebody that you considered the dearest of friends that came to you with this entire story..... What would you really say to them if they laid on you word for word what you have sought counsel on from us? I would bet you would tell your friend "Are you Effing Kidding Me? Dump this dope like yesterday". You are being fed a steady diet of just enough crumbs to keep you around and also just enough to allow you to delay acting. Why do you accept crumbs Bonnie? CRUMBS!!! The reason I keep coming back here to this thread is that I know that eventually you are gonna pull the Emergency Brake on this Runaway Crazy Train you've been riding for months....We have literally been telling you...pleading and screaming at you..."PULL THE BRAKE AND JUMP OFF!" You know when it stops? When YOU SAY IT DOES!...You and your baby deserve so much better than this...and you know it.... Stop accepting this treatment and..... PULL THE BRAKE 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jaaded Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) I actually believe that he never replies…but my friend pointed out that he probably just responds in person so there’s no paper trail Devils advocate for a moment – if he was telling the truth about her, even though they are on a ‘friendly’/civil basis, rather than not replying and avoiding her that way, you would go down some official channel…otherwise that would just encourage her?? Do you think, playing devils advocate, that he is just allowing it as he’s being cowardly and is scared if he tells her to stay away? You did read correctly that she emailed about him doing her reference and pointed out a job that would make him ‘happier’……………………… Blueskyday…thank you for the post, it resonated with me. I don’t want to get too deep, so I’ll keep it as a genuine thank you -YES. Finally, a friend of yours that is willing to give you a truthful a answer! He probably tells her not to text him him anymore cause his girlfriend will go on another jealous rant. -If he were serious about you and trying to make things right in your relationship he would absolutely cut all ties with her....professionally and personally. If he has to get a job somewhere that pays less and isn't as good.....so be it. Call it the price of infidelity. If that man was TRULY SORRY, TRULY LOVED YOU & TRULY WANTED TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP he would be kissing the ground you walk on to make things right. But HES NOT. In fact, he is continuing to engage with the woman he cheated with. He could and should instruct her to go to other management if she needs help....but he doesn't. Instead, he has slowly allowed the doors of communication open again between them. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings but he has no problem whatsoever hurting yours?! How is that right in your mind?? You a settling for a man that is disrespectful, cowardly and doesn't love you the way he should. -The fact that she still thinks it's ok to ask him for a reference should be a major red flag to you too. If she was told to stay away from him and to avoid him at work.....why would she think that it's ok to ask for a reference?? That tells me that your bf isn't giving you the whole story. In fact, you are either getting bits and pieces of the truth or just a straight up fabricated story. -Bonnie, what is your breaking point? Do you have to physically see him with another woman?..cause it will eventually happen again. Does he have to end the relationship and leave you and the kids?.....cause I see that as a future option as well. This man has already lied, cheated and broken your heart....why wait to let him totally destroy you? Edited July 21, 2014 by Jaaded 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 This man has already lied, cheated and broken your heart....why wait to let him totally destroy you? Because she doesn't have the guts to make the last step. I'm sorry Bonnie, just don't focus on him anymore and let it happen. A quick stab is better than careful prodding in a long-term view. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaaded Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Bonnie - I am sorry if some of our comments have been harsh but we are only being honest with you for your own good. I do hope that you are seeing a counselor/therapist to help you get through this difficult time. Please keep us updated on your progress.... Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Sorry, I've been away for the last week. Bar one, I know everyone is just trying to help me and I appreciate it Since the text he said he's not really seen her and it's like she's trying to avoid him or is scared about something now Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Sorry, I've been away for the last week. Bar one, I know everyone is just trying to help me and I appreciate it Since the text he said he's not really seen her and it's like she's trying to avoid him or is scared about something now Bonnie, take that with a grain of salt. It could be true, but it could also very well be a ruse to try to soothe you and get you to "back down" while he carries on as usual. If it is in fact true, this should be a relief for him - he claims he doesn't want to be with her so she's making it easy and bowing out. But I repeat - don't automatically believe whatever he says. You already know he's a liar. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Sorry, I've been away for the last week. Bar one, I know everyone is just trying to help me and I appreciate it Since the text he said he's not really seen her and it's like she's trying to avoid him or is scared about something now Prepare for another shoe to drop, Bonnie. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 I appreciate if you are sick of this but I just need to vent... After that text a few weeks ago things have been okay, she's not come up once. I had lunch with my friend (the one who uses the facility too). She asked me how things had been and she knows about the text and our discussion etc...she then told me that since the text had been sent she'd seen him actively ignore the woman, then last week she was in as it was closing. The woman was in using the facility too with a friend and asked him if the cafe was shut. He said it was and she asked if she could get herself a glass of water...he then went behind the bar and ran a glass of water for her and went back to the offices. 5 minutes later he came out and she asked if the water waiting on the counter was for her and seemed surprised when he said that one was for her and did she want one for her friend too, to which she said no but she needed to grab a straw. They were both next to the straw box but he walked around to get her one..........and then went back to ignoring her I know i might sound crazy looking at that small situation in such detail, but is it small? Could he just not be thinking or is the fact he did it for her then went to get a straw...both of which she could have done herself...mean anything? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 Zowie this is still going on since Feb 15th? If they are avoiding each other worse case sinario they had sex, and are feeling guilty about it, or they are still having sex and they are pretending nothing is going on between them. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 Could be anything -- it could be that he was just being polite but keeping a safe distance OR both of them are keeping up appearances and trying to get people off the scent. Who knows. The question is -- how long are you going to keep living this way. Analyzing every little step even to the point of him getting her a straw? It's exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 It's more me wanting to understand and not...She said in the text that she still feels the same about him/wants him....so why would he avoid looking at her yet go out of his way to get her a stupid straw when thats not his job Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 (edited) It's more me wanting to understand and not...She said in the text that she still feels the same about him/wants him....so why would he avoid looking at her yet go out of his way to get her a stupid straw when thats not his job Unfortunately you're never going to get a full understanding of what's going on. Maybe he doesn't want to make eye contact because he's struggling with his feelings. Maybe he's trying to make it appear casual like nothing is going on. Maybe he was just being polite and got her a straw. Nobody can tell you why. If you want to live with this, you have to accept what comes with it. Maybe you need to have your friend stop feeding you anymore stories. It doesn't help you in any way other than to drive yourself absolutely crazy. You either live with this, which means no more stories and spying and you start focusing 100% on rebuilding or you talk to him and come up with a plan where by he has zero contact with her and that means changing facilities or whatever you deem fit to help you BOTH move on from this. Edited August 13, 2014 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 It's more me wanting to understand and not...She said in the text that she still feels the same about him/wants him....so why would he avoid looking at her yet go out of his way to get her a stupid straw when thats not his job You're doing your head in worrying about such minor stuff as this. He came back out of the office and saw the drinks still sitting there, just offering to get them a straw was a polite gesture that many people would do for many other people. Yes she could have got it herself but when it comes to polite gestures / act of good manners thatt often doesn't matter. Eehh I could be wrong, but if 99.5% of the time he is ignoring her, that counts more. Given the EA they had, there is going to be some residual feelings as long as he keeps seeing her, until she leaves for new job. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 More importantly: What does your reaction mean? Or more specifically - your inability to take action regarding this crappy situation? Your inaction tells us a LOT! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 More importantly: What does your reaction mean? Or more specifically - your inability to take action regarding this crappy situation? Your inaction tells us a LOT! Huge 2nd. This is saying more about you than him now, Bonnie. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 What do you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 They are saying you wouldn't take any action to deal with this. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 What do you mean? Most people would be taking action to get out of a crappy relationship where their spouse is treating them poorly...but you don't do anything expect observe and continue complaining. Posters usually stop posting on a thread when they realize the thread starter has no intention of DOING anything different to solve their problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Bonnie27 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 This morning I've woken up to a letter from a friend of the womans. It was 5 pages long detailing the majority of what the woman had told her and what this friend had witnessed for herself. I don't really understand as it said it was written in July as to why they'd send it now but it said now that my partner has told this woman he's leaving (he isn't anymore, he just got a promotion) he can't hurt her friend anymore so now she isn't going to keep her mouth shut. She proceeded to tell me all of the reasons I should feel 'humilated and feel betrayed' listing dates and the ways in which this has 'destroyed' her friend My partner is furious (he said they'd spoken briefly about stock and she'd congratulated him on his promotion a few days ago) and has already arranged a meeting with his manager to complain or raise a grievance against the woman I'm sat here so confused as to why a friend of this woman would do this to me Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I'm confused....how was he hurting her? And why is her friend getting involved for? And why was it his fault? This woman knows he is married so why didn't she make the necessary steps to steer clear or placed a complaint with the HR personnel? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 There's SO much of this story that you're not telling us. Or He's not telling you. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 So, it was a letter written in July, when friend thought he was leaving. Friend believing he's leaving wants to blow it all up. But woman congratulated him and knows he is not leaving. Weird. Unless, this friend decided to take it upon herself and interfere, which I doubt. I have to wonder if woman is a part of this but why would she do it now, knowing he is staying and that it could cause her more issues. Something doesn't add up. I'd like to see proof that he made a complaint to HR/manager. Ask him for it. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 So, from my point of view, the woman herself wrote a letter and said a "friend" did it. There is a lot more going on that you don't know, I'm afraid. (ie. the nature of their current relationship is far beyond what you think it is) And I completely agree with Zahara's suggestion - ask him for proof that he is filing a complaint. A lot doesn't make sense here: how did you receive the letter? How much of the letter is news to you? Did your boyfriend read it? Link to post Share on other sites
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